Certainly an unusual idea, for Sarevok to both hate and...love? desire? the PC, and it should be an intriguing theme for you to explore later. I think I'll enjoy reading this--assuming you want to keep writing. Pretty please? And I love the idea of a past history between Sarevok and the PC. Logically, it should be there, and it so rarely is... Yep, definitely interested.
Now, the nitpicky stuff. I might sound a little harsh here, so if I do, sorry! And of course, feel free to ignore anything I say Your story, your rules.
I think that your narration style is a bit awkward. The use of "you" gives it the feel of something being dictated--like at a BG2 chapter intro screen, or a DM telling the players something. You could use past-tense second person instead, so instead of "As you wake, you feel pain... You realize you are not in that temple now," it becomes "As she woke, she felt pain... She realized she was no longer in that temple." Or in second person, present tense, it becomes "She realizes she is no longer in that temple." First person would become "As I woke, I felt pain... I realized I was no longer in that temple." It depends on how you want to write it, and what your PC is like. Second person is handy, I've found, for showing action and interaction. First person is useful for a more introspective character.
Additionally, you need more punctuation. "The silver haired man looks angry with you as he breaks up the innocent tryst and sends you to the private area of the keep to do some mundane task" might be punctuated instead "The silver-haired man looks angry with you as he breaks up the innocent tryst. After a few sharp words, he sends you off to another section of the keep. No doubt some other mundane task needs doing." A lengthy sentence is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can cause readers to get confused and lose the point of the sentence. Don't be afraid to use more short sentences--there isn't a punctuation tax, is there? I'd also suggest reading sentences out loud. It feels weird and slightly embarrassing, though it can help identify too-long or oddly punctuated sentences.
Last, you had several minor mistakes and typos. If you want, I can try find them, but I'd suggest that after writing a chapter, you take a break and look at it again later.
Edit: And of course, don't be afraid to register here. We don't bite, I promise.
Edited by Ipsissimus, 18 April 2010 - 12:46 PM.