Mystery Science Theatre

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 was an old television show where a mad scientist locked up a helpless innocent or two and forced them to watch countless bad television shows, movies, and so on and so forth. The only way the victims could survive and maintain their sanity was by mercilessly mocking the things they were forced to watch. MST has had some popularity in written form on the internet, mocking the gamut of writing, including game scripts, fanfic (only with the author's permission), etc. It has also been used to poke good-natured humor at good writing, but more often than not, it conforms tightly to the spirit of the original show.

Sadly for Baldur's Gate fans, one of the most terrible pieces of writing is the official Baldur's Gate novel and its sequels, first put into MST form here, and we at SHS have decided to bring it here. Anyone is welcome to participate-if you want to do a section, just post in the Comments thread your intention, and have at it! Use any characters you like-the official BG cast, Charname, your own made-up characters... the gloves are off. And yes, this stuff really did get published.

Irenicus: Ah, Tempest? these are the new test subjects I asked of you?

Tempest: Yes, indeed. Three figments of my imagination, and one young lady with a Bioware trademark. I bring you Alexandria, alias Charname-

Alexandria: An elf in a bondage suit? Is that the best they can come up with for enemies these days?

Irenicus: Your suffering will be all the greater for your insolence.

Tempest: Darian, Talon of Myrrhavin-

Darian: This cannot possibly be more humiliating than some of the flirts you?ve written for me.

Tempest: More humiliating, perhaps not. But more painful? oh yes indeed. Next, Xarana of the Crystal Forest-

Xarana: You are going to die for this indignity, Tempest.

Tempest: In your fondest dreams. And lastly, Mazzy, Truesword of Arvoreen.

Mazzy: What?! Me? Why?

Tempest: No particular reason, to be honest.

Mazzy: Darian, kill him.

Darian: Yes, dear.

Irenicus: Don?t waste your energies struggling. A symphony of pain is about to begin!

Tempest: May the gods have mercy on you all.


Chapter One

Alexandria: Let the games begin!

The blades came together so hard they threw out a blue-white spark bright enough to burn its gentle arc into Abdel's vision.

Xarana: This is unusual. Sparks are generally the result of intense friction, not impact.
Mazzy: Indeed. I?ve never seen sparks fly from a mere parrying blow.
Alexandria: Depends what kind of sparks you?re talking about. (Winks slyly at Darian)
Darian: Let?s assume both blades are enchanted with shock or shocking burst properties. No need to assume things are out of control.

The impact sent a heavy shudder through the heavy blade of his broadsword,

Mazzy: A blade that?s shuddering is either poorly affixed to the hilt or about to shatter.
Alexandria: Well, there is an iron crisis plaguing the sword coast. Maybe his sword is about to break.
Xarana: Seems reasonable enough to me.

but he ignored it and pushed back in the direction of the attack

Mazzy: If your sword is about to break from the impact, wouldn?t you have paid attention?

Abdel was strong enough and tall enough to seriously unbalance his opponent.

Alexandria: Uh huh. I?m no sylph, but if my enemy is unbalanced by one parried blow, he?s got bigger problems than just my size.
Xarana: So? many? double entendres? would have been more amusing if Darian said it, though.

The man stumbled two steps backwadrs and brought his empty left hand up to keep from falling

Darian: Combat Tip of the Day #7: Don?t fight while unable to stand up correctly with a sword in hand.

Abdel saw the opening

Mazzy: He?d damn well better. His enemy is on the Arvoreen-damned ground!
Xarana: At this point, I?m beginning to think I?m better with a sword in wolf form than this Abdel is in human form.
Mazzy: You don?t have hands in wolf form.
Xarana: My point stands.

and took full advantadge of it,

Alexandria: Gee, the guy I?m fighting is on the ground. Think maybe I should kill him?
Darian: Now, now. Let?s give this the benefit of the doubt.

flashing his sword across his opponent's midsection and slicing deeply through chain mail, flesh and bone.

Xarana: It?s my personal experience that a weapon in the process of eviscerating a man seldom ?flashes?.
Mazzy: Related to the mysterious sparking swords earlier, perhaps?

Abdel recognized two of the four men who were trying to kill him.

Darian: Make that two of three, now.

The men were sellswords, hired guards and thugs, just like Abdel.

Alexandria: So Abdel?s a thug. It?s starting to make sense.
Darian: One has to wonder, however, how he knows they?re mere mercenaries so readily.

They had obviously been paid.

Xarana: Yes, that is generally a requisite condition for being a mercenary.
Alexandria: I?ve been a mercenary of sorts on the Sword Coast, and I assure you, I was never paid before actually doing the damn work.

but by whom and for what reasons, Abdel couldn't fathom.

Mazzy: I get the feeling this is supposed to be ominous.

The man Abdel had killed took ten to twenty second sto realize he was dead.

All: ?
Darian: If I?ve just been eviscerated, there?s a good chance I?m going to realize I?m dying.
Alexandria: Was he keeping count as seconds went by? One one-thousand, two one-thousand? still not dead? four one-thousand?
Xarana: And the other three attackers were doing? what, during this time?

He kept looking at the deep gash that had nearly cut him in two.

Xarana: Right? I?ve been cut nearly in two, my internal organs are probably spilling out of my belly, and it STILL takes twenty seconds to realize I?m dying?!
Irenicus: Patience, girl. We are not yet halfway through the first chapter.
Xarana: Dear Auril?

Blood was everywhere, and there was a hint of the yellow-gray of entrails.

Alexandria: This really doesn?t make sense. If I?ve slashed you deeply enough to come within a hair of sending your torso and abdomen toppling away in different directions, there?s going to be more than a hint of entrails.

The expression on the man's face was nearly comical:

Darian: There is nothing funny about dying.
Xarana: To the contrary. The shrieks of the dying are quite melodious, and it?s really quite amusing to watch them beg and plead for a life that will end soon.
Mazzy: (Edges away from Xarana)

surprised, pale, and somehow disappointed.

Alexandria: Oh, dear. This isn?t nearly as heroic as I imagined it would be-I?ve been split almost in half, the laws of physics and biology appear to have taken leave of Toril for the day, and I?m just looking kind of silly as I take a full twenty seconds or so to realize that being torn almost in half means I?m dead.

The look of it made Abdel's heart leap

Mazzy: By all that is holy, if this is a love scene, I'm going to get violent.

and he couldnt tell if it was from horror or the pleasure of the sight.

Mazzy: Who the hell takes pleasure from killing people?
Xarana: I do.
Alexandria: I don?t normally, but there have been times when the bastard really had it coming?
Darian: Well, I?
Mazzy: Finish that sentence and you?re a dead man.
Darian: Yes, dear.

The pause was enough, though, to allow another of the bandits to step in

Alexandria: If I saw an enemy pause for twenty seconds while they looked at someone die, I?d have stepped in and killed him. Staring at someone while they die in the midst of a battle is really unhealthy, you know.

and nearly gut him with one of the two small, sharp axes the mercenary spun madly in both hands

Darian: Who the hell spins madly if they?re trying to attack someone, Haer?Dalis aside?
Xarana: Not anyone trying to actually fight effectively, I?ll tell you that much.

"Kamon," Abdel said as he skipped back half a step to avoid teh second axe. "Long time"

Xarana: Shouting a taunt as the battle commences, good. Goading the enemy during a fight, also good. Trying to strike up a chat while the other guy?s trying to gut you, not good.

He'd worked with this one before, a year ago, guarding a warehouse in Athkatla that was storing something a very long and increasingly bizarre parade of thieved were intent on stealing.

Alexandria: Odd. Father never let me stray more than a quarter mile or so from Candlekeep?s walls. And I?m a much more competent fighter than this idiot.
Darian: I must admit, it makes a much more compelling story for the protagonist to be someone new to the dangers of the world.
Mazzy: Logic appears vacant thus far in the story. I?m beginning to wonder if it will ever come about.
Xarana: At this point, I seriously doubt it.

Kamon's trademark was this fast and furious, though not terribly exact twin axe attack.

Darian: Which would be completely ineffective against anyone with a crossbow.

A short stocky man, he was a fighter many less experienced fighters underestimated.

Mazzy: I resent that!
Xarana: He sounds like a dwarf. Don?t people normally regard dwarves as being very dangerous killing machines?

Tempest: (Casts Time Stop) Next round of victims, please.

Edited by Tempest, 09 July 2007 - 05:47 AM.

And here is the second installment of Mystery Science Theatre!

Irenicus: Ah, who is the second group of test subjects?

Kaylia: Let?s get to it!

Anomen: At once, my lady!

Minsc: Boo isn?t scared of a little book!

Edwin: Bah. No mere scrap of paper can bring harm to a Red Wizard.

Kaylia: What about the Nether Scroll?

Edwin: Silence, you chimpanzee.

Irenicus: Cease your struggling and submit to the pain!


Anyone who'd been fighting as long as Abdel had

Kaylia: Oooh. He?s experienced. I like that in a man.

could tell by the man's quick, crystal blue eyes that he was a smart and capable fighter

Minsc: Why hasn?t he clawed the eyes out already, then? Instead of wasting time looking at them?
Anomen: The world may never know.

"Abdel," Kamon said "Sorry about your father."

Edwin: Bah. Gorion was powerful, as far as spineless masses of jelly called Harpers go. I find it difficult to believe a common mercenary could slay a wizard.
Kaylia: I?m a mercenary. I?ve killed plenty of wizards.
Edwin: You are hardly a common mercenary. Comely, perhaps.
Anomen: Touch my betrothed and die, wizard.

It was an old trick, older even then Gorion,

Kaylia: Mind you, Gorion?s a human. I?m older than him, technically.
Anomen: You wear your age well, my lady.

who sometimes seemed to Abdel to be the oldest man ever to walk the streets and trails of Faerûn.

Minsc: Boo disagrees. When we visited your home, the man with sinister eyes and beaky nose seemed much older than the painting of Gorion.

Abdel could see his foster father out of the corner of his eyes.

Edwin: Not even a clever plot device to write about Gorion. My respect for the author is dropping as rapidly Minsc?s IQ.
Minsc: Boo wants to know what an IQ is. Is it something he can eat?

Gorion was on his feet, fighting, but as usual not trying to kill the bandit

Kaylia: Who does he think he?s kidding? Gorion fried those two ogres without a moment?s hesitation, injured Sarevok, and left Tamoko unconscious for a few hours. ?As usual not trying to kill the bandit? my smooth elven-
Anomen: My lady!
Kaylia: Sorry.

who was obviously not as considerate as the older man.

Anomen: Obviously.

The dark complexioned bandit with teh elaborately covered headscarf

Edwin: And what, pray tell, do you cover a headscarf with?
Anomen: And if he?s wearing a headscarf, whatever that is, how can Abdel tell he has a dark complexion?

was coming orion with a scimitar too fast, too out of control

Minsc: Watch the sword go, Boo! Watch the sword go!

Gorion was able to keep him at bay with his oaken staff, but for how long?

Edwin: So Gorion is as worthless as the rest of the Harpers. Any competent wizard would have reduced the entire city block to smoldering ashes by now.
Kaylia: Insult my father in my presence again and I?ll personally introduce you to Angurvadal.

Abdel let Kamon come in

Anomen: Why doesn?t he merely remove Kamon?s head from his shoulders?

with his right hand axe and caught it with the blade just under the head. The broadsword's sharp edge cut into the axe handle, and Abdel pulled up but not out,

Kaylia: Hey? wasn?t this the guy who clove a man almost in half with one blow before? And now he can?t break a damn wooden axe haft?

and the axe came out of Kamon's hand so quickly it left a red burn on the bandit's palm.

Anomen: So how many hitpoints of damage is that?
Edwin: Under normal circumstances, I?d count it as one point of nonlethal damage. But from the way things have been going, the simian will as likely as not keel over from the pain.
Solstice: Easy on the fourth wall!

Kamon cursed and backed up three quick steps

Anomen: But? Abdel?s guard is completely open! Making a disarm attempt provokes an attack of opportunity! TAKE IT, DAMN YOU, AND GET THIS OVER WITH!!!
Edwin: And I thought it was only Kaylia who was subject to mood swings during her pregnancy.
Anomen: Never marry an elf, wizard. Their pregnancies go on for two years.
Edwin: Words do not exist that can adequately express how much I pity you right now.

The loss of one of his weapons surprised him

Minsc: But is he not in the midst of a raging axe attack? How could he be broken out of such an attack so easily? Boo is confused.

caught him off guard maybe, but Kamon was experienced enough to keep his eyes open.

Kaylia: As opposed to closing them.

The axe was still stuck on Abdel's blade Abdel knew he shouldn't stop to try to pull the axe off.

Edwin: Why doesn?t the gorilla simply kill Kamon? I disdain direct hand-to-hand fighting like you monkeys espouse, but my skill is more than sufficient to have dispatched these fools bare-handed. At the same time.

but when he heard the crunch of the gravel behind him, he did it anyway

Anomen: These battles are just plain painful to listen to.
Kaylia: No offense, but your battle descriptions weren?t a heck of a lot better when we first met.
Anomen: Even so? this is sheer torture.
Irenicus: Torture? Silly knight, this is but a grand experiment. Your screams are merely a personal incentive.

He was hoping Kamon would do the obvious thing, and Kamon obliged.

Kaylia: Rather than being clever, a quality absolutely no one in this story seems to have.

The bandit came in fast with the other axe, swinging low to cut his victim at the waist.

Minsc: Boo questions how experiences this man can possibly be? cutting him at the waist?
Kaylia: Mind you, a swift kick there with my steel-toed boots can have quite an effect when fighting a man.

Abdel pulled his knees to his sword across his chest to protect him

Edwin: A tactical maneuver that makes no sense whatsoever.

His feet came off the ground, and he fell on his backside

Anomen: La la la la la! I?m not listening!

at the same time the big halberd came down from behind him.

Edwin: And missed. How in the nine hells can you miss an attack from behind against a man who?s fallen on the ground in a fetal position with a sword to defend against a man with an axe and doesn?t even know you?re there?!
Minsc: Boo doesn?t know, either.

The crunch of gravel was the heavy step of Eagus, the first of the bandits Abdel had recognized when they first prevente dthemselves on the road.

Kaylia: So he can now recognize people by the crunch of gravel alone? Does he crunch gravel in some particularly distinctive way? Does the crush scintillate with the essence of a man long known?

Eagus still bore the scar on his face from hat bet he'd lost to Abdel in Julkoun ages ago.

Anomen: Where is Julkoun and what relevance does this have with this atrocity Irenicus calls a story?

The memory made Abdel smile as he wa suddenly drenched in thick, hot blood

Edwin: Please tell me it?s the blood of Abdel as he is suddenly shredded into raw liver.

Eagus blow, meant for Abdel, had split Kamon's head in half from crown to chin.

Edwin: ?
Anomen: That? just? doesn?t? work?
Minsc: Is not Kamon in front of him, and Eagus behind him? How can a blow from one slay so thoroughly the other without touching the man in the middle?
Kaylia: I?ve only ever once seen a man get cleaved completely in half from crown to groin. And that was Minsc with Gram the Sword of Grief enhanced with the Heart of the Damned, having gone berserk after drinking a potion of storm giant strength. This? this isn?t right.

Abdel was dissapointed only because now he wouldn't be able to ask Kamon if he ever found out what it was they'd been guarding in that warehouse.

Minsc: Boo thinks you should do less wondering and more fighting. There is still a man behind you attempting to kill you, and you are curled up like a sleeping kitten on the ground.

Still curled up in a ball

All: ?

Abdel swung his feet up and brough his sword back, the hand axe still stuck awkwardly to the blade.

Kaylia: Wait? didn?t it say earlier he removed the axe from the blade?
Anomen: I am not certain. The phrasing is as terrible as Abdel?s swordsmanship.

He was hoping to gut Eagus from behind while the halberdier still had his weapon stuck in his friend's head.

Edwin: Didn?t he just say he split the man from head to waist? And if he?s striking from above, why would it be stuck in the head?

halfway up a burning pain drove the breath from Abdel's lungs, and he instinctively dropped to his left.

Minsc: How is this possible? There were four bandits, two are dead, one is fighting Gorion, one has less skill with a halberd than a Rashemar child? Boo wants to know what is going on.

The fifth bandit,

Minsc: Er, I thought there were four?
Anomen: There were.

the one who had been hanging back

Edwin: Back where? Even a monkey like Abdel should be able to count-look at my fingers. One, two, three, four, five. There are either four bandits or there are five. And weren?t they mercenaries, not bandits?

had fired a single crossbow bolt into Abdel's right flank. Abdel tore it out, pulling some links loose from his chain mail tunic and roaring at the pain.

Kaylia: Idiot. That only makes the injury worse and causes it to start bleeding. It?s a better idea to leave the bolt in until the battle?s over and the party is recovering. Didn?t this lunatic take fighting lessons from Jondalar?

He made eye contact with the crossbowman just long enough to send the man scurrying back in fear.

Anomen: And what is remotely frightening about a man curled up in a fetal position on the floor?
Edwin: It would make much more sense if one such as I were the protagonist, to be sure, but this? this is simply idiocy. Pure, undiluted, idiocy.

The Selsword could only hope the crossbowman was scared enough not to shoot him again.

Kaylia: When I?m scared, I usually go completely berserk and try to kill whatever?s scaring me. And who in their right mind would be scared of this creep?
Minsc: Boo wishes to remind you that Abdel is a highly experienced thug.
Kaylia: So am I. Except I?m a halfway competent swordswoman. And I?m capable of higher brain functions.

Abdel had more immediate problems.

Anomen: Like the man with the halberd behind you and you?re STILL curled up on the floor.

Eagus swore as he worekd at wriggling the blade of his halberd out fo Kamon's head.

Edwin: Perhaps he was hit by a ray of enfeeblement?

He had to stay close to the halberdier

Minsc: Boo says the best course of action would be to kill the halberdier, as he evidently cannot remove his halberd from his friend?s skull, when there is no possible way for the blade to be lodged in the man?s skull in the first place.

but Abdel gave himself a handful of seconds to check his father's progress

Kaylia: Those ?more immediate problems? can bite me.

Gorion was holding up ell.

Edwin: Rather than killing him?

He was letting his opponent tire himself out with one hopeless lunge of a scimitar after another.

Anomen: Lunges are really not the best way to attack with a scimitar. It is a heavy, single-edged blade. Heavy slashes are generally more effective.
Edwin: Having a brain superior to that of a pigeon is more effective as well. No one has let that failing deter them yet.

We can go on like this forever , Calishite." Gorion said, guesing the man's origin by his peculiar dress and choice of blade"

Kaylia: And a four point five from the west German judge for racial profiling!

"or long enough for you to tell me who hired you and why."

Minsc: So he?s going to collapse from exhaustion before either one of them kills the other?

Abdel grabbed Kamon's axe free of his sword, keeping track of Eagus' hurried progres with one eye

Anomen: He?s had? how long now, to free his halberd?
Kaylia: Not long enough for Abdel to form a coherent sentence.

while keeping the other on his father

Edwin: As opposed to one of the other men trying to kill him?

Irenicus: That is enough for the time being. NEXT!

Irenicus: So, who is our third group?

Livarion: When I get out of this, wizard, I'm going to make you eat this book.

Branwen: And I'm going to help.

Yeslick: Calmly, lasses, calmly. It's Clanggedin's will that we be here.

Xan: We're all doomed.

Irenicus: Well, one of you has the right attitude.

The Calishite sellsword smiled, revealing a tarnished silver tooth,

Livarion: Ooh.

Branwen: You can't take it from his mouth while he's still fighting.

and said to Gorion, “We were paid extra, sir, not to say. You can give us your ward, though, and maybe live.”

Livarion: What? Give is what we want, and maybe we'll let you live! What sort of offer is that?

Branwen: A treacherous one. This man has no honour.

Yeslick: That's the sorta offer you make before attackin' people.

Xan: Foolish human.

There was a sound as if someone had tossed a maiden’s-thigh melon

Branwen: I thought a maiden's melons...

Livarion: Don't bother with that sort of joke in this group.

from a guard tower, and Eagus’s halberd was free.

Livarion: About time, too.

He swung the polearm up and around, spraying Abdel and the road with more of Kamon’s blood. Abdel threw the axe, and Kamon dodged it easily. The throw wasn’t meant to kill but to force Eagus off balance, and Abdel knew there was only one way, and one second, in which to test the success of this method.

Yeslick: Off balance after dodgin' one blow. Ain't he had any trainin'?

Xan: If he had, by now Abdel would be dead and we would be spared this atrocity.

Abdel came in fast, leaping really, his feet leaving the ground for a risky half second.

All.....

Xan: I have it. Next time something like this happens, insects will be introduced through our gaping mouths and allowed to eat into our brains. It will be a blessed release from this prison.

He speared Eagus and felt his blade sink home through a gap in the bandit’s rusted armour before he tucked his feet back under him.

Livarion: He jumped up, why I can't quite tell, and is now tucking his feet up for the landing. Does he think this is a gymnastic competition with marks for style?

Branwen: I do not believe he is capable of that much thought.

He meant to stand and drag his blade up through Eagus’s guts to disembowel him, but Eagus wasn’t quite as off-balance as he could have been.

Yeslick: O' course he weren't. He ain't bein' off balance at all, less'n he's a novice.

The bandit slipped gingerly off the tip of Abdel’s blade. There was blood, and Eagus was obviously in pain, but he fought on.

Xan: Because most people give up as soon as there's any pain at all.

Branwen: Only if they have no honour!

The halnerd came down hard again, and Abdel almost didn’t have a chance to get his sword up to block it. His broadsword blade bit deeply into the thick wood of the halberd’s pole, and this time it was Abdel who was disarmed.

Livarion: Yes, blocking a fifteen pound weapon swung down with both hands probably will knock a one-handed sword out of your hand. I knew that before I left Candlekeep.

Branwen: This author seems to be fascinated by the idea that swords get caught when they hit a polearm shaft.

Yeslick: How is he blocking the shaft? If he's far enough inside to make that possible, there's no way the head is going to hit him with a swing.

Xan: Step inside, you idiot.

Others: stare

Xan: Sorry.

Eagus, his yellow teeth showing through the brown and grey mass of his ill-kept bear, had the advantage of leverage. Though the act of twisting the long, heavy weapon out of Abdel’s strong grasp obviously caused Eagus pain, opening his wound yet wider, the sword came free of Abdel’s grip.

Branwen: Because doing anything while you're wounded makes it worse, unless you're Abdel.

Eagus allowed himself a coughing laugh when the broadsword fell from the halberd. He wouldn’t be as encumbered as Abdel had been, and he took full advantage of it.

Livarion, hopefully: So Abdel will be dead in the next second or two, yes.

Irenicus: Do you really believe that?

Abdel could still hear the ringing of steel that meant his father was yet engaged with the Calishite swordsman.

Xan: Wasn't your father using a staff earlier, Livarion?

Yeslick: What be the steel ringin' against?

He would have to fight Eagus alone, and without his sword.

Livarion: Use your had, then.

Others: stare.

Livarion: I mean head butt him, not thinking.

Xan: At least your brain is still working, as much as it can.

Eagus, maybe a bit fatigued now,

Branwen, screaming: He's only made two swings. How can he be tired already?

maybe having lost too much blood,

Yeslick: There's no' enough time fer tha'.

came in too slowly, and Abdel was almost disappointed when he easily batted the halberd away with his arm.

All......

....

Xan: Clearly my death-by-insect infection idea was wrong.

The force of Abdel’s blow meeting Eagus’s nearly broke the young sellsword’s right forearm.

Livarion: Really. How unexpected.

It hurt, but Abdel ignored the pain and kicked up with his left foot, slamming the toe of his sturdy boot into Eagus’s seeping wound.

Yeslick: He after bein' a monk too, then.

Eagus shrieked and dropped, his knees falling out from under him like dry twigs.

Branwen: Like the wimp he clearly is.

Abdel pulled out the dagger Gorion had givenhim as a coming-of-age gift, the one with the silver blade.

Xan: It didn't occur to you to use that earlier, rather than parrying halberds with your arm?

He cut Eagus’s throat, watching the man’s eyes as his life fled him.

Livarion: Well, that's a valuable use of time.

Xan: Your heritage never tempted you to, well...

Livarion: Stare into someone's eyes while a fight goes on around me? It wants me to be bloodthirsty, not stupid.

Abdel smiled at the sight, though he knew Gorion wouldn’t approve.

Branwen: This man is sick in his head.

That’s when he realised Gorion was still fighting and there was-

Yeslick: There was wha'?

Xan: It took him long enough to remember his father. Perhaps the ringing of steel on wood had stopped.

The crossbowman stepped out, dark eyes slitted against the midmorning sun, padded leather vest creaking with every movement. His long red hair fluttered greasily in the breeze.

Xan: Pay careful attention, Livarion. Anyone with greasy hair is probably a villain and a threat to you.

Others: stare

Xan: And anyone without greasy hair is also probably a threat. We are all doomed.

Others: sighs of relief.

He aimed carefully at Gorion.

Branwen: As opposed to aiming at the person who is now free to act, I suppose.

Yeslick: Brains be no' the strong point o' this lot.

Abdel screamed out, “Fa-“

The crossbow released, and the heavy steel bolt shot through the air with a hiss.

“-th-“

Embedding itself deeply into Gorion’s eye.

“-er.”

Livarion: Good shot!

Branwen: What? You're encouraging the man who just killed your foster-father.

Livarion: This isn't my Gorion. And anyone who has Abdel as a foster-son deserves a quick death.

Abdel knew, before Gorion’s twitching body hit the gravel road, that the only father he had ever known was dead.

All: ......

Yeslick: Ya think?

Red filled his vision

Xarana: Please let this mean he?s dying.

a ringing filled his ears,

Alexandria: Must be quite loud, given how much empty space between his ears there is to fill.
Darian: Not the most articulate joke I?ve heard.
Alexandria: This stuff kills my creativity.

there was the stinging taste fo copper in his mouth!

Mazzy: Lovely.

He ran at the Calishite swordsman first,

Darian: Peculiar. At this point, I would have expected him to slay both remaining assailants simultaneously while managing to save Gorion.
Mazzy: I think the story?s getting to you, dear.
Darian: It is, melamin. I fear I?m being forced to resort to sarcasm if I am to survive this torture.
Mazzy: Do what you must. I will always be here for you.
Irenicus: How touching. But alas, you will never leave this place with your minds intact.

simply because he was the closer of the two surviving bandits.

Alexandria: Something approaching tactical sense!
Xarana: Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut.

Abdel's Heavy silver dagger was out in front of him just swinging back and forth as if he was working a field with it.

Mazzy: Even a Hin child knows that is a completely useless way to fight with a dagger.
Alexandria: Or most other weapons.
Darian: I think I have to agree with the man screaming on the other side of the theatre-these battle scenes are sheer torture.
Xarana: I believe that is the point.

The Calishite danced back and brought his scimitar up.

Alexandria: Rather than, you know, butchering him like a helpless pig? Which any half-competent swordsman could have done while Abdel was flailing about?

There was a clang of metal and the Calishite uttered the first sylable of the name of some long forgotten god.

Darian: Logically, if a random mercenary knows the name of the god, the god is not long forgotten.
Mazzy: Do not look for logic in this disaster, my love. It merely makes the pain worse.

as Abdel's sturdy blade.

Xarana: It?s a dagger. It is neither a blade nor sturdy. It is a small, sharp piece of metal you stab things with.

slashed through the finely wrought scimitar.

All: ?
Alexandria: How the hell?
Darian: Uh huh. A plain silver dagger cuts completely through a masterwork sword as though cutting butter. Reality check, please.
Mazzy: As you wish. Toril to story, please come in. Toril to story, please respond. Story, this is Toril, respond immediately?
Darian: ?
Mazzy: No response.

Two thirds of the curved blade spun wildly off into the brush at the side of the wide gravel road, and the Calishite couldn't help but watch it spin away

Alexandria: In this strange parallel universe where silver daggers can cut masterwork swords in half, wildly swinging said daggers hither and yon is an effective combat tactic, and men such as Abdel survive, I suppose it would be acceptable that a man watch half a sword spin away rather than fight back.

as he continued to back up and out of reach of the slashing dagger.

Darian: For the benefit of the uninformed, such as Abdel and his scribe, swinging a dagger is a completely ineffective combat technique.

The Calishite's foot dropped an inch and a half into a wagon wheel rut at the side of the road,

Xarana: My, my. How very conveniently placed.

and he fell backward, off balance, enough to be saved from the next balance that might have taken his throat out.

Mazzy: Arvoreen forbid anyone actually know how to fight competently in this story.

Growling in feral, incoherent rage,

Darian: Yes, rage seldom is coherent.
Xarana: I like this new attitude of yours.
Darian: Extreme hazards require extreme measures to survive.

Abdel came froward and slashed again. His arm vibrated from the sudden resistance along the blade of the heavy dagger.

Alexandria: May I point out that a dagger does not have a blade to speak of, let alone feel tension in?
Mazzy: You really think that matters to the author?

The Calishite probably saw

Xarana: Enough waffling. Either you saw it or you didn?t. Either there were four attackers or five. Either you?re a lobotomized ape or you?re a practical joke from Cyric.

his broken blade bounce on the ground.

Darian: I thought it was spinning?
Alexandria: And what kind of broken blade BOUNCES?!

before the world spun

Mazzy: (World): I?m dizzy.

and something wet and sticky splashed across his face.

Alexandria: Ick.
Xarana: I agree. So many obscene possibilities here?

His severed head might have lived long enough to experience that, but he was dead before the body hit the ground.

Darian: So. A silver dagger. Being swung wildly. Decapitated a man.
Mazzy: How gaunt do you have to be for a dagger to do that?
Xarana: For a standard dagger? you?d have to be abnormally thin, for an elf.
Mazzy: So for a human?
Xarana: Not possible in a world obeying the rules of anatomy.

The crossbowman didn'yt bother to wait long enough to curse or beg or be horrified.

Alexandria: Or shoot Abdel during this whole farce of a battle.

He wasn't the smartest man on the Sword Coast, far from it

Xarana: Smarter than Abdel.

but he was more than smart enough to know when to turn around and run for his life.

Darian: Whereas shooting and killing Abdel would have ended this whole sorry fiasco long ago.

Abdel, still wild with a murderous frenzy now wholly out of his control

Mazzy: Is a man in a murderous frenzy not by definition out of his control?
Darian: You never met Minsc, did you?

chased the man down and butchered him into a mound of bleeding meat.

Xarana: Savage, brutal, unthinking? are we certain Abdel is a human, and not an animal?

Finally spent, the foster son of Gorion of Candlekeep collapsed onto a pile of leather, gore and crossbow parts.

Alexandria: The way that?s written, you?d almost think Abdel died.
Mazzy: Wishful thinking.

and he wept.

Xarana: What is this? Big, tough Abdel is crying?

Abdel had been selling his sword arm.

Darian: If he can parry a halberd with it, he was probably doing rather well.
Alexandria: Was that hope or sarcasm? I can?t tell with you.
Darian: Does it make a difference?

and experience up and down the Sword Coast for years.

Alexandria: What the hell?! I wasn?t allowed more than a quarter mile outside Candlekeep until I left with Father!

and had spent the last tenday escorting a merchant caravan from Baldur's Gate to the Library at Candlekeep.

Mazzy: It takes less than a tenday to travel between Baldur?s Gate and Candlekeep on foot, for Arvoreen?s sake!
Darian: Calm down, dear.
Mazzy: This is so? improper! My patience is becoming frayed.
Darian: Becoming?
Mazzy: (Glares at Darian)
Darian: Yes, dear.

The massive monastery had been his boyhood hom, the closest thing to a real home Abdel had ever known.

Tempest: My creativity is lacking here. Credit to Rand Al?Tor for this line.
Xarana: All together now!
All: AWWWWW!

It was here that Gorion, a kind but stern monk

Alexandria: Huh?
Mazzy: Wasn?t Gorion a powerful wizard?
Alexandria: Yes? a monk?!
Darian: There?s quite a difference between those two callings in life. I find it difficult to believe the scribe would make such an egregious mistake.
Mazzy: The scribe?s written the rest of this story so far.
Darian: Nevermind, then.
Alexandria: A MONK?!?!?!

had raised Abdel in the worship fo Thorm, god of the brave and the foolish

Xarana: Something he has in common with the winged elf and the halfling.
Darian: Incorrect. Talons are expected to kill enemies of the Menel?Quessir not necessarily be brave.
Mazzy: And Arvoreen frowns on foolishness and overconfidence, druidess.

and had tried to instill upon Abdel his own love of the written word and the history and traditions of Faerûn.

Darian: Noble, but clearly an abysmal failure.

Abdel studied hard, but his mind wandered.

Xarana: And it remains missing to this day.

and both he and his adopted father soon came to realize that he would never live the life of a monk, cloistered away copying the great texts, storing away the experience of others

Alexandria: Considering Father was never a monk, frequently left Candlekeep to pursue business with the Harpers, and never once encouraged me to become a monk, I think I?ll pretend I didn?t hear that sentence.

Abdel sought his own knowledge,

Darian: Which appears entirely wasted.

his own experience

Mazzy: Which does not appear to have done him any good.

and he found it in teh world outside the protective walls of Candlekeep.

Xarana: Found what? Death? I can only hope.

It seemed to frighten Gorion somehow

Alexandria: Father was never frightened of me. Now, Ulraunt on the other hand?

Abdel's need to fight, to kill,

Xarana: Just like any other non-sentient animal.

but he seemed also to have some deeper understanding of it,

Darian: By Aerdrie Faeyna? does the scribe think he?s being subtle enough with the foreshadowing?
Mazzy: I think we?ll see much worse, dear.

as if he expected it of his foundling son, though he could never really condone it.

Xarana: All this has left me feeling a bit perplexed over little Abdel. He?s nothing more than a beast walking on two legs.
Alexandria: That would seem an accurate description.

Abdel looked nothing like this man who was not truly his father

Mazzy: Not exactly a chip off the old block, is he?
Xarana: If he was, this story would be much more pleasant.

and it seemed to surprise no one who knew them well that they didn't think much alike either.

Darian: The difference being one is capable of thought, and one is not.

Where Gorion was thin of frame, bookish and rigid of posture,

Mazzy: In other words, a fairly typical elderly human wizard.

Abdel was powerfully muscled,

Xarana: Oh, Auril? this isn?t what I think it is, is it?
Alexandria: Judging by Abdel?s total defiance of physics, combat tactics, anatomy, and common sense thus far? prepare for the worst.

with chiseled features

Mazzy: Which really aren?t that attractive. I prefer sharp, but somewhat gentle features, like Darian?s.
Alexandria: Get a room, you two.
Darian: Mazzy, please stop before Alex chokes to death on her own bile.

and ink black hair he kept long to flow with teh same fluid grace as his body.

Xarana: I still get the mental image of a lumbering, shaggy beast barely capable of walking upright and utterly incapable of anything approaching coherent thought.

Abdel was nearly a foot taller than his adopted father, almost seven feet tall.

Alexandria: What is he-part giant? I?m much taller than average, and I?m only two inches over six feet!
Darian: The scribe does not appear to have read his Player?s Handbook.
Alexandria: His what?
Darian: Long story.

and probably outweighed the monk threefold

Xarana: What was Gorion-a halfling?
Mazzy: Say that again and I will break your kneecaps.
Xarana: Which is about as high as you can reach, girl.
Mazzy: Arvoreen, guide my!-
Irenicus: I can?t let you do that, Mazzy.

They hadn't spoken much in the last several years

Alexandria: Eh, understandable enough. The fact that I doubt Abdel?s vocabulary consists of more words than he can count on his fingers mitigates in his favor.

but when Abdel was offered the spot on the caravan from Baldur's Gate he jumped.

Xarana: Tsk, tsk. So very impulsive. So very bestial.

at the chance not only because his purse was growing light from some lean times.

Mazzy: Wasn?t the Sword Coast at a state of relative peace prior to the whole mess your brother stirred up, Alex?
Alexandria: Yeah. But Sarevok well and truly screwed that one up.

but because he truly wanted to see his father again.

Darian: Would anyone mind if I just dropped into the reverie?
Xarana: Oh, no. If we have to suffer through this, so do you.

Their meeting had been oddly emotional from the moment Abdel stepped through the gates fo Candlekeep.

Alexandria: What?s odd about being emotional when seeing your father again for the first time in a while?

Gorion was happy to see him.

Mazzy: Clearly lacking any sort of common sense that would lead to abandoning the infant in the wild to be slain.
Xarana: Say that again and I will offer your broken corpse as a sacrifice to Auril.
Alexandria: You?re both really prone to overreacting, you know that?

Maybe Abdel had spent too much time with sellswords and hired killers

Darian: If you?re a merchant, you?re going to spend a great deal of time around merchants. If you?re a mercenary, you?re going to spend a great deal of time around mercenaries.

but it seemed Gorion was almost too happy to see him.

Xarana: Because he promptly cast a lightning bolt and left the extra crispy meat for the vultures!
Alexandria: ?
Xarana: What?

They had talked of many things that first evening. Gorion was always curious to hear Abdel's stories of battles fought and won

Darian: Odd. When I went home to Myrrhavin after the battle for Suldanessellar and talked with my father, I had no problem admitting that I had been forced to retreat and otherwise come close to having my head handed to me on several occasions.
Alexandria: Yeah, but you?re not as strong and experienced as Abdel is!
Darian: My training as a Talon took more years than Abdel?s lived in his entire life.
Alexandria: Thank whatever god you worship you have no involvement with this story. Is this blundering idiot really supposed to be my half-brother?
Darian: Now that you say it? I really don?t see the family resemblance.
Tempest: May I remind you that Alexandria will never encounter any of the other three occupants of this cell?
Xarana: Oh, shut it and get on with the torture program!

of greedy merchants and marauding orcs or seaside's taverns and the warrior's camaraderie.

Alexandria: I know of no warrior with a functioning brain and senses that would remain within a mile of Abdel.
Darian: I would. Optimal crossbow range is significantly less than a mile.

This night though, Gorion seemed detached, preoccupied and nothing was more unlike Abdel's father.

Mazzy: Is the scribe implying Gorion had an active social life?
Alexandria: It?s Candlekeep. No one had a social life.

The young sellsword got the feeling his father needed to tell him something.

Darian: Praise the Winged Mother! Consistent tenses!

Abdel, as he was wont to do, simply asked his father what was on his mind.

Xarana: Good, good? reinforce the notion that you have no sense of subtlety? my hypothesis that you are incapable of any sort of thinking continues to accumulate evidence?

Gorion had smiled and laughed

Alexandria: Father? Laughed? Did he eat black lotus or something?

"And hid his face amid a crown of stars?" Gorion asked, quoting some bard Abdel vaguely recognized.

Darian: I don?t think that?s a line of Menel?Quessiri poetry, but it definitely sounds elven?
Mazzy: You never told me you enjoyed poetry.
Darian: I don?t.
Mazzy: How do you remain sane?
Darian: I don?t do that, either.
Mazzy: Darian, stop channeling Tempest?s spirit!

'Staey of Evereka?" "Pacys" Gorion corrected "if memory serves"

Darian: Now that that?s over with? what possible relevance to the gods-forsaken plot does this have?
Alexandria: I?m betting on ?none whatsoever?.

Abdel only nodded, and Gorion asked him a simple question. "Will you come with me somewhere?)

Xarana: Pay up to the tiefling, Darian.
Darian: I never actually bet against her. I?m not that foolish.
Xarana: A pity.

Abdel sighed deeply "I can't stay father, and you know I'll have no more of your books and scrolls.

Mazzy: No more? Didn?t the scribe say Abdel?s been adventuring for several years now?

No, no" Gorion cut his son off with a heavy worried laugh.

Alexandria: Didn?t the scribe already establish that Abdel is not Father?s son? And how the hell do you make a heavy worried laugh?
Everyone Else: ?
Alexandria: I forgot. None of you have a conventional sense of humor.

"none of that. I meant somewhere outside the confines fo Candlekeep. A place called the Friendly Arms."

Darian: Correction: the Friendly Arm Inn.

Abdel had to laugh.

Xarana: Here we go again?

Of course he'd passed through this legendary roadhouse on more than one occasion.

Alexandria: Roadhouse? The damn place is a fortress converted into a fortified waystation by a team of adventuring gnomes!

He'd gone there a few times to find work, or wine, or women, and had never failed to find at least one of the three.

Xarana: Cheap wine, guarding outhouses, and paid ladies of the evening with no standards. Makes sense.
Mazzy: That?s just? crude.
Xarana: And?
Mazzy: And probably accurate.

What his Father might want there, he couldn't hazard a guess.

Xarana: No, you couldn?t.

"There are two people there... people I must meet."

Darian: Oh, really? Why else would you go to a place like the Friendly Arm Inn if you?re not there on business?

Gorion said. "And the road is treacherous"

Alexandria: Well gee-reports of frequent and intense bandit attacks are flying up and down the Coast faster than crossbow bolts, especially as one heads towards Baldur?s Gate, and he has to actually say the road is dangerous?
Xarana: It?s Abdel. Gorion probably has to remind him hold the blunt end of the sword, and use the sharp end to fight. Not that that?s stopped him.

"Is this something to do with my parents... my mother?" Abdel asked, though he had no idea why, and even tried to stop the words as they passed unbdden through his lips. Gorion's reaction was the same as every time Abdel brought up the subject fo his mother and father he never knew.

Mazzy: Did you always ask deep, insightful questions the other person couldn?t answer, Alex?
Alexandria: Hell no. I can?t say I ever thought much about my mother until I started thinking about my ancestry.

The old monk was pained at the thought.

Darian: I?d be pained by the presence of Abdel, too.

"No." Gorion said simply. Then there was a long strained awkward pause before he said. "Not your... not your mother."

Xarana: Abdel is an idiot if he doesn?t pounce and pursue that moment of weakness wherever it goes.

He wanted to go to the Friendly Arms to meet some people who had some information.

Mazzy: Yes, yes. I do believe we?ve established this already.

Gorion's life had been centered around the gathering of other people's information.

Alexandria: HE?S A WIZARD, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE GODS IN THE REALMS! NOT A MONK, NOT A SPY, A WIZARD!!!
Irenicus: You are folding faster than I expected, child of Bhaal. Fascinating...

so Abdel was hardly surprised by this request.

Darian: Barring any unforeseen detours into reality, this continues to make sense.

He agreed of course,

Xarana: Hypothesis confirmed. Abdel is an idiot.

since he'd probably have wandered into the Friendly Arm on his own anyway.

Mazzy: I?m certain?

Having his father along for company on the road would be a pleasant change of pace.

Alexandria: Didn?t he say his relationship with Father was strained, and that they hadn?t spoken in a while? ?Awkward? would be the operative word for a trip like that? I know mine was, despite it being cut short by Sarevok.
Tempest: You?re not supposed to know who Sarevok is yet.
Alexandria: Bite me.

So the two of them walked out fo Candlekeep together for the first time that next morning.

Darian: I doubt Gorion spent any more time in Abdel?s presence than was absolutely necessary.

[i]and they'd made it past highsun of the third day out of Candlekeep, following the wide well-travekled Coast Way road, before finsing their way blocked by a band fo cutthroats.

Alexandria: The road to Candlekeep wasn?t well-traveled at all. It?s not like the fortress was a swinging hotspot.

Irenicus: So. This should be interesting.

Shadowhawke: Indeed. Anyway, this is Cormin the Bloody, a figment of my imagination.

Cormin: (glaring) You'll see how much of a figment I am when I get out.

Shadowhawke: Erm... eep? *coughs and collects herself.* And this is Danika, my resident Bhaalspawn.

Danika: Why? What did I ever do t' you?

Shadowhawke: And, er, Jaheira. I'm... sorry, you three, I just thought you had the best chance of survival. It's not like I was going to let Aerie in here until she became more emotionally stable.

Jaheira: Yes, well.

Shadowhawke: *looks around nervously* Well... I'll be going now. Do try to survive so I can write more about you in my actual fic.

Cormin: (Turning menacingly to Irenicus) Let us out of here, mage. Then your demise will be slightly less protracted.

Irenicus: Bluster, bluster? the previous groups have so far survived with some sanity intact. Unless you are weaker than they, I foresee no lasting harm.

Danika: You?ve got t? be kiddin? me. No lastin? harm? My eyeballs are goin? t? burn out before I?

Jaheira: Silvanus, mage! You had better free us or?

Irenicus: There will be no heroics. No action. Merely torture.


Abdel rushed to the side of his fallen father at the first sudden sight of life.

Danika: But he was dead. Wasn?t he?
Jaheira: Yes, I do believe they agreed he was dead already.
Cormin: It is merely the sign of a pathetic plot device when people are miraculously resurrected to give their last dying words meant to guide the hero on their way.
Danika: *snorts* Well with what we?ve seen so far, this Abdel idiot needs a sight more than just a few last words. He probably needs a soddin? guidebook. Which wouldn?t help him either, because I?ll be bettin? he can?t read.


It was a ragged, gurgling intake of breath and Abdel crawled toward it like a drowning man to a floating barrel.

Jaheira: You cannot crawl on the sea.
Danika: Well obviously, ABDEL can, because he?s so COOL and bloody hell, this is only th? second line?
Irenicus: Are you breaking already? Fascinating?
Danika: *snarls* When I get out of here, Irenicus, you?re going t? get th? Celestial Fury shoved right up your?
Cormin: (placing a hand on Danika?s shoulder) We will survive. Somehow.
Irenicus: Don?t count on it.

His wounded side sent brilliant flashes of pain from his waist up to his neck and into the space behind his eyes.

Danika: Obviously, the flashes of pain have t? jump straight from his neck to the space behind his eyes because it?s all empty.
Cormin: You do realise that that line of logic implies that Abdel has no insides, I hope.
Jaheira: Tell me, Cormin, have we seen any hint of logic in this godsforsaken tome yet?
Cormin: Good point.

Abdel fell to the ground more then he sat. He tried to say "father" or something else but the sound stuck in his throat, lodged there painfully, until he thought the word himself would choke him.

Jaheira: Yes, because we all know that he does not possess the intellect to say a simple two-syllable word. Gorion would never have suffered such a fool.
Danika: This obviously isn?t our Gorion.
Cormin: This obviously isn?t our world.
Jaheira: This obviously is pure excrement, the like of which Nature itself should rebel against!

His father?s one remaining eye wandered, searching blindly and his left hand fumbled in a pouch at his belt.

Cormin: So his unhurt eye is blind.
Danika: We did already ascertain there was no bloody logic to this whole thing.
Jaheira: I wonder why the wandering? Surely he could see the huge lump of stupidity in front of him?

His right hand twitched with painful spasms, clawing at gravel as if trying to push the pain away.

Cormin: Because gravel is pain.
Danika: Oh, I can see that happenin?. Fear the gravel. FEAR!
Jaheira: Nika, are you all right?
Danika: Do you even have t? ask?
Jaheira: Trying circumstances, true.

"Mine..." Gorion managed to say. Just that one clear word.

Cormin: Mine what? Mine mistake? Mine ?Dear Oghma, what did I ever do to deserve such a stupid foster-son??
Danika: C-Cormin? Did you just make with the sarcasm?

"Yes." Abdel breathed, his throat tightening again to cut off any more words and his eyes once more filling with tears at the sight of his bleeding dying father.

Jaheira: My, the scribe appears to have an unhealthy fascination with monosyllabic conversations. At least Abdel has managed to prove he can form the word ?yes?. Amazing.

"Stop it," Gorion said in an unbelievably clear voice.

Cormin: Seems like he also has a thing for the word ?clear? too. First of all, Gorion says the one clear word, and then he says the two. Is anyone else sensing a possible arithmetic progression?
Danika: Oh, and let?s not forget the poor sod?s dyin? at the same time. So it makes a lot of sense that his word count is goin? up.
Jaheira: While Abdel?s remains constant.
Cormin: That makes a lot of sense too.

He said something else then, something Abdel couldn't quite make out.

Danika: But his voice had been unbelievably clear just beforehand!
Jaheira: The logic problem is frightening. Just as frightening as the thought that my alter ego in this story actually falls for this deaf idiot.
Cormin: You cannot be blamed. This scribe appears to suffer from some sort of mind disorder. Perhaps one of my blades can relieve him of both.

The old monk's hands came up, and Abdel blearily realized he was working a spell.

Jaheira: That he can recognise such a thing is astonishing. Because people normally wave their hands around and chant at the same time when they?re not working magic.
Danika: And Gorion, for th? last time, is a MAGE! Not a bloody MONK!

Gorion touched him roughly, the dying man's hand falling more than reaching to the young sellsword's side.

Cormin: If the tales that you have told me of your Gorion are true, I can actually imagine him doing something so? selfless.
Danika: No. This is not my Gorion. Gorion was selfless, not stupid. If you had to pick between saving yourself, a vaunted MAGE that has done Toril good, and a droolin? psychotic barbarian who wouldn?t even warrant as a mindflayer?s snack, then what?s the obvious choice?
Jaheira: Perhaps he could clear out the illithid forever, though. They would not be able to sense his presence.
Danika: Mindflayers work by sensing minds, don?t they?
Jaheira: Precisely my point.

A wave of warmth washed over Abdel's midsection and the burning pain abated all at once. Gorion hissed out a long pained breath and Abdel, the wound in his side now closed, almost completely healed, said. "And now you."

Danika: And NOW you?! You were perfectly fine with runnin? down mercenaries and breakin? scimitars with a puny little dagger and thus defying all the laws of physics, so why do you need t? get healed before the guy with the bolt in his brain?

Gorion didn't begin another casting. "Last one." The monk croaked out.

Danika: Refer to what I said earlier. Selfless, not stupid.
Cormin: Interesting. His voice goes from unbelievably clear, to something that Abdel can?t make out, to croaking. I wonder what will happen next.
Jaheira: Hopefully, he will die and we will no longer have to suffer this imbecility.

Abdel wanted to spit his anger at his foster father for wasting his single healing prayer.

Cormin: And that, my friends, is gratitude.

"You're dying" was all he could say.

Jaheira: And even that was a struggle for him, seeing as it was three syllables long.

"Stop this war..."

?I'm not..."


Gorion's body shuddered with a wracking cough, and his left hand suddenly came up with a sudden jerk that made Abdel flinch.

Cormin: Tell me. Why isn?t he dead yet?
Jaheira: You spoke yourself of the dreaded plot device.
Cormin: True.
Danika: Is anyone else thinkin? that beneath all that muscle, Abdel?s a bit of a scaredycat? What?s with the flinchin??

Gorion was holding a tattered scrap of parchment in his hand and it tugged in the goosefeather-fletched quarrel still protruding from his ruined eye.

Cormin: Goosefeather? What kind of self-respecting mercenaries were they?
Danika: Obviously they weren?t self-respectin?.

The parchment picked up some blood

Danika: Can you just see the imagery? The parchment grows legs and arms, becomes a vampire, pops down t? the Faerunian equivalent of a bloodbank and, you know? picks up some blood.
Cormin: You do know that you?re going a little too far now.
Danika: I?m desperate. Bite me.
Cormin: (dark look) Do you mean that?
Jaheira: Please, you two. I am already disturbed enough by this? thing masquerading itself as a book.

Abdel reached out to catch his father's hand and Gorion let go of the parchment. "I'm taking you back to Candlekeep." Abdel said shifting noisily in the gravel?

Jaheira: Hmph. A real man of action, this Abdel is. One would think that he would consider the course of taking Gorion back to Candlekeep straight after the last bandit was killed, as opposed to moaning incoherently by his side and waiting for him to get healed.

? as he made to lift Gorion in his arms. "No." the monk grunted, stopping him. "No time. Leave me... come back for me..." Gorion was seized by a shuddering wave of pain and Abdel sighed at the sight of it.

Cormin: First of all, I believe that just broke my arithmetic progression?
Danika: (cutting across him) He SIGHED? That?s IT? Your foster father is dyin? before you and all you do is soddin? SIGH?!
Jaheira: It?s fiction, Danika. And very badly written fiction at that.
Danika: That?s no bloody excuse!

"Your father..." Then another cough. A single tear dropped from the only eye Gorion had left to cry with. And he managed to say "Khalid" and "Jahi-" before his last breath hissed away and his eye turned skyward.

Cormin: Okay, I?ve counted. That?s about twenty-two words that Gorion has said in this near death period, excluding whatever he said that Abdel couldn?t hear. Don?t you think he could at least finish Jaheira?s name if he?d made it that far already?
Danika: That clinches it. My Gorion was clever enough t? tell me about Khalid and Jaheira before we left Candlekeep. Not to mention that my Gorion died fightin? Sarevok, as opposed to some soddin? common mercenary fresh out of the tavern!
Jaheira: From my medical experience, eyes do not necessarily turn skywards when one dies. It depends on the way you are lying, and of course, the manner in which you die. And in this case, I believe, it doesn?t make sense?
Cormin: Drop it. Nothing has made sense.

Abdel cried over his father until Gorion's right hand stopped twitching.

Jaheira: Man of action indeed.
Danika: (slightly sick) Why would Gorion?s right hand keep twitching if he was already dead?
Cormin: The scribe has already shown a significant lack of understanding the world. And physics. And the human mind. Why would he bother to get the human body right?

The sellsword's hand brushed the parchment, and without thinking?

Danika: Now that was just too obvious. That?s like? beggin? for us t? be baggin? it.
Cormin: Nice alliteration.
Danika: Thank you.
Jaheira: May I state the obvious now and query the use of ?without thinking?, seeing as I believe that is Abdel?s normal state?

he took it in his grip. He sat there for a long time on the road surrounded by the dead and the call of crows.

Cormin: Wait, I thought they said before that this was a ?well-travelled? road.
Danika: Clearly the other travellers thought nothin? of passin? the random body parts littered over the path.

until he could finally stand and begin to prepare his father's grave.

Jaheira: Silvanus be praised! The end!
Irenicus: Do not be so jubilant, druid. You will be back.
Danika: (smiling weakly) Aren?t declarations of that type supposed to cue creepy music?
Cormin: Let us hope that the next time we are back, it will be to witness Abdel?s long and painful death. Then I could be inspired as to what to do to you, Irenicus. Not that I need inspiration.
Irenicus: Save your petty threats. Let the next test subjects be brought in!

Irenicus: Next batch please...oh no.
Virgil: *pulls out rapier* DAMN STRAIGHT, OH NO! Be happy I can't gut you here, mage.
Jailin: Please, please, Virgil. Calm down. He may be a bastard who tried to destroy our city for his own machinations, but...actually, you know? Go right on ahead, brother.
Imoen: Please...no more blood. It's enough to be in a room with him again.
Khalid: I-it'll be alright, everyone. Let's just sit down.
Irenicus: *sigh* Imbeciles.

Tamoko could not see what her lover saw when he stared into the empty frame
Jailin: It was empty. I kind of assume they saw nothing at all.
Imoen: Tamoko? Oh, great, cause when there's her, that means Sarevok. We're in for a treat. *rolls eyes*

There might have been a picture in there once, perhaps a mirror of silvered glass, but now it was just a frame, hanging by small brass chains from the ceiling of Sarevok's private chamber.
Imoen: Told ya.
Khalid: H-he's a fighter. Is he trying to scry?
Virgil: The man's eyes glow yellow. He could be trying to do anything.

Sometimes he would stare at the thing for hours, occasionally muttering a curse or jest to himself, or taking scribbled notes down in an expensive notebook bound in a gem-encrusted leather.
All:...
Imoen: Hoo, boy, did big brother ever lose it!
Jailin: He needs a priest
Virgil: Hehe, gimme a young priest and an old priest!
Khalid: He sounds like he turned into Xzar...

Tamoko could not read the language of Faerûn
Virgil: All he uses her for is sex and murder, why does he need her to be literate anyway?

was uncomfortable even with the intricate characters of her native Kozakura, so she had no idea what he was writing.
Jailin: So...she's COMPLETELY illiterate?
Imoen: What, was there a sale on illiterate girls from Kara-Tur that day in Thay or something? Two for the price of one?
Khalid: Y-yes, but if it was two for the price of one, where's the other one?
Virgil: ONE illiterate girl is enough, I'd think. He probably made her into that stupid frame he keeps staring at.

She knew only that Sarevok saw things in that frame
Imoen: How does she know that? I thought she couldn't see anything in it.

kept track of things, kept watch on his pawns
Jailin: Is he playing chess with bloody Halaster or something?

and he had many pawns
Imoen: Ooh, pawns. That's enough to get any girl to spread her legs, isn't it? *rolls eyes*
Khalid: N-now, Imoen...

She sat with her legs folded on the wide, too soft bed
Virgil: Does this woman do NOTHING but bitch? "That frame is too empty, that bed is too soft, that pottage is too cold!"

a silk sack eight feet on a side stuffed with feathers- and tried to meditate. Something was prickling in the back of her neck, and it was distracting her.
Jailin: So...it's only eight feet on ONE side? Is their bed a trapezoid or something?
Virgil: I rather like the idea that they sleep on a giant bag of feathers.
Imoen: Hehe, hit the sack got a whole new meaning.
Virgil: Y'know, Imoen...
Jailin: Virgil. No. Bad boy.
Virgil: Awww...

The smooth silk of Tamoko's black pajama's hissed against the silk of the bed.
Virgil: So she was a snake! It all makes SENSE now!
Imoen: Nope. Her pajamas are MADE of snakes.
Virgil: Ohhhh...

and sent a chill of goosebumps up her thin strong arms. She was a small woman, note even five feet tall, with the smooth skin of a pampered lady and the strength of a berserker.
Virgil: Hissing sounds...get her aroused? What?
Imoen: Oooh, baby, silk on silk!
Khalid: A woman that size really couldn't possibly have the strength of "a beserker". A "wet cat" perhaps, but...

A life of constant training made her what she was: a killer, in every sense of the word.
Jailin: Welcome to class, everyone. We're going to be killing people today!
Virgil: BUT WE KILL PEOPLE *EVERY* DAY!
Imoen: Yeah, it must get boring killing people constantly. Not much time to sleep.

She didn't bother to close her eyes, but kept her tongue on her palate and concentrated on her breathing, and on the blood flowing quickly through her veins.
Virgil: "blood flowing quickly through her veins" TOLD YOU THE HISSING TURNED HER ON.
Jailin: For once, *I'm* the one that's bored. I want some feywine.
Khalid: I don't believe we were reading "A Treatise on Tamoko's Meditation Practices"...uh...were we?

The room was dark and the air still, two things that normally helped her to center herself, but not today.
Imoen: Yeah, and a story usually has two things that normally make it decent: a plot, and plot development.

The steady orange candlelight, barely flickering in the still air made her blink
Jailin: Then close your gods-be-damned eyes!

The dampness made her silk garments stick to her every modest curve
Virgil: OOOOH! Now it's getting good!
Jailin: Pervert.
Khalid: I-I don't think Jaheira would like me reading this...
Imoen: She's not even that hot!

Minutes dragged on
All: WE'LL DRINK TO THAT!
Virgil: *passes around rum*
Irenicus: Cease this foolishness immediately! Give me that rum!
Virgil: *totally makes his Slight of Hand check* Nope. Now you can't find it!
Imoen: Hee, I feel warm!
Irenicus: Fools...

and she continued to struggle to meditate
Imoen: Shouldn't she realize by now it's not going to work?
Virgil: Seriously.
Jailin: You said she was illiterate, not stupid. Come on.

When Sarevok stared this intently and this dissappointed
Imoen:...dissapointedly?
Virgil: OH BY ALOBAL, HER STUPIDITY IS SPREADING!
Khalid: Soon enough, I'll be stabbing myself with my sword. Or Jaheira.
Virgil: From what I heard, that's not too far off, my friend.
Khalid: W-what?!
Virgil: Nevermind...

it usually meant he was going to ask her to kill someone, so she would need her concentration.
Jailin: So...he gets all sad and asks her to kill someone?
Imoen: She needs to concentrate to have him tell her to kill someone?
Virgil: Is the frame telling him this?
Khalid: O-or the wall behind the frame?

"My brother" Sarevok said suddenly
All: *fall out of seats*
Virgil: Tamoko is his brother?
Jailin: Tamoko is his brother AND a girl?
Imoen: He could just have moobs or something.
Khalid: Then why does the author refer to Tamoko as "her"?
Jailin: Why was Abdel able to block an oaken halberd shaft with his forearm with no lasting damage? We don't know.
Virgil: I doubt the author does either.

so suddenly a lesser trained assassin might have flinched, but not Tamoko
Virgil: Well, good for bloody her!
Jailin: Virgil!
Virgil: *whimpers* It hurts, sissie...
Jailin: I know, I know. It'll be over soon.
Irenicus: You will be returning later for more tests, little elf. Do not place hope in your situation. It would be folly.

"is on the path"
Imoen: Thanks, there, Vokky. Some arbitrary, unknown path.
Virgil: She's illiterate. I doubt she'd know what path he's talking about.

"Your brother?" She asked, too quickly
Virgil: I thought SHE was his brother?
Khalid: For all we know, she's also a tiny gelatinous cube.
Isilven: *appears from nowhere* DON'T TALK ABOUT SLIME MONSTERS, KHALID. BAD KARMA.
Khalid: W-what? Issy?
Isilven: Hehehe *runs off*

and Sarevok took an long unsettling time to turn around.
Jailin: Aye, about the pace that this story is going.

"I have at least this one brother, yes."
Imoen: Hey...wait a damn minute.
Khalid: W-what is it, Imoen?
Imoen: "At least this one brother"? Why hasn't he mentioned me yet? He felt what I was, didn't he? AND I was THERE when Gorion died! Where am I.
Others: ...
Jailin: Imoen...honey...we forgot to tell you something.
Virgil: You don't show up in this book. At all.
Khalid: You don't show up until the s-second book, Imoen.
Imoen: ...WHAT?! But I was THERE!
Jailin: We know honey. But, would you want to have faced the same fate as Gorion did? Or Khalid will?
Imoen: *sniffle* I guess not...
Khalid: F-fate? What are you talking about?
Jailin and Virgil: Noooooothing...

Sarevok told her in that voice she often thought was- not seductive-- maybe seductive
Imoen: Partially seductive, vaguely seductive, uber-seductive!
Virgil: Make up your damn mind already! Sheesh.

A cold chill ran down her spine, making her angry with herself
Khalid: Why is she mad at herself for it? Sarevok is a frightening man...

There was something about Sarevok, to be sure, that she knew she should be on her guard about.
Imoen: The fact that he's a huge creepy son of Murder?

He wasn't a man.
All: ...*die laughing*
Virgil: Now they're BOTH women?
Jailin: I was previously unaware that this story had a lesbian romance.
Imoen: Explains a lot about the armor.
Khalid: He obviously didn't want anyone to know.

not a human, that was for cerain. Even the barbarian men of Faerûn
Virgil: Yeah. He doesn't make that battle cry like he's puking.

She had no idea what he was, but she liked it.
Imoen: ...wait. 'Even the barbarian men of Faerûn'...what? WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?
Virgil: He's a woman. And you like it.
Jailin: Thus making you, in your language, "doseiaisha". A lesbian.
Khalid: Priestess...how do you know that?
Jailin: No...no reason!

He wore power around him in a haze like Faerûnian women wore perfume
Khalid: THAT'S what it was. I was under the impression that it was "lack of hygeine"

She could imagine him steeped in it. He was decisive and sure, not blundering about at the whim of a god,
Jailin: Oh, shut up, please. You are trying my patience like Anomen does.

nor blindly attached to some infantile cause
Imoen: Hey!
Khalid: I take offense to that!
Virgil: Hehe, looks like I'm off the hook!

nor forever in search of shiny metal disks!
Virgil: HEY! YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT ABOUT ME, WENCH, BUT YOU *LEAVE MY GOLDERS ALONE!!*

Sarevok wanted power-- power and something else
All: Sex.

As afraid as Tamoko sometimes felt in his presence, she couldn't help but admire him. The fact remained that when they were together, in the dark, with nothing physical coming between them
Jailin: Is...that a very bad euphemism for sex?
Khalid: Is everything about Tamoko and Sarevok going to be about sex?
Virgil: I think so...

even then he would tell her only what he wanted her to know, and he never wanted her to know much. He was in control, always
Imoen: I get the feeling she really doesn't mind all that much.

"The nature of his death?" she asked, meaning things. that she knew she was here to kill for him, and that she was loyal enough to ask why.
Imoen: People usually mean things when they speak. If not, they sound like Xzar.
Virgil: Most bad guys don't find it "loyal" when you ask why you want to kill someone. They find it undermining, and thusly kill you.
Khalid: And how would you know this?
Virgil: Because I'm a bloody pirate, that's why. Sheesh. Ask a silly question, my friend.

Sarevok laughed, and the sound made Tamoko smile-- not because his laugh was particularly pleasant, but because it wasn't at all pleasant. Indeed, this was no mere man.
Imoen: Tamoko is one weird girl...
Virgil: She needs to be put out of her misery.

"Then he will live?" She concluded.
Virgil: Well OBVIOUSLY. If he doesn't want him dead, he wants him alive.
Jailin: He could want him in Limbo.
Khalid: Or Mazed.

Sarevok continued to smile his dire wolf's smile.
Khalid: They smile?

and leaned forward , then rose and slithered onto the bed
Virgil: SLITHERED! SEE! I TOLD YOU! HE'S A SNAKE! THEY'RE ALL SNAKES!
Jailin: Virgil, calm down.
Virgil: BUT EVERYONE IS A SNAKE.

coming slowly toward her.
Imoen: Yes, please, go slower. Because it's not going slow enough as it is.
Jailin: This author has no sense of sensuality.

For the briefest fraction of a heartbeat, she wanted to back away, to escape the hard, tight, masterful embrace she knew was coming
Virgil: HE'S A BOA CONSTRICTOR! Told you.

but that was her mind's reaction, her body's was something else entirely.
Virgil: Did she get an erection or something?
Jailin: VIRGIL!
Imoen: *giggles*
Khalid: They did say she was his brother...
Jailin: *sigh* Khalid, please don't encourage him...

They slid together easily, and the touch was warm, welcoming and full of the promise of danger that drew her to him in the first place, kept her coming back and finally made her his slave
All: ...
Imoen: Are...are they having sex? Am I reading a sex scene about my brother?
Virgil: Clearly you've never been to fanfiction.net

She'd killed for him ten, twelve, fifteen times times, she'd allowed herself to lose count.
Imoen: Must've run out of fingers.

and would easily kill a hundred more if he would look at her like that, hold her like that, move into, through her
All: THROUGH her?
Jailin: Has this author ACTUALLY had sex before?
Imoen: I doubt it.

then past her like that. Just one more time.
Virgil: Sounds like he's stabbing her rather than sexing her.

"This one" He breathed into her ear the sound seemed made more of heat than air, "will lie for a while."
Imoen: Why is this author trying to make Vokky sexy? He isn't sexy! He's scary! It's like writing about Irenicus and me having romance together or something!
Isilven: Hey, shut up, cutie. Frikkin brat...*ambles off, drinking feywine*

He pulled away suddenly, and she heard herself gasp. She was disciplined enough to keep herself from blushing
Virgil: Well, he DID just kind of yank his...thing...out of her...other thing.
Isilven: *is getting progressively drunker* Good boy. We gotta keep it censored for the kids.

but a twinkle in Sarevok's eyes told her he noticed. Sarevok always noticed.
Virgil: Yeah, an erection on a five foot tall ninja-samurai...whatever...is noticeable.
Jailin: Virgil...behave. Please?

"The two Zhentarim."
Khalid: Oh, no.
Imoen: Fantastic.

he told her "will live for a time as well, but only for a time
Imoen: Yeah, a short time. It was really refreshing to shoot that arrow into the back of Xzar's skull.

I will bring them here from Nashkel."
Jailin: Why didn't he just leave them there? You really couldn't go further north of the Friendly Arms Inn due to the Flaming Fist blockade. Abdel would have to have gone to Nashkel eventually.
Virgil: Sis, you're expecting logic again.

"They have been useful to you." Tamoko said, her voice sounding small next to his, "so they shall die quickly."
Khalid: That's counter-p-productive.
Imoen: He's going to run out of competant minions soon.

Sarevok laughed again and Tamoko worked hard to suppress a shudder. It wasn't excitement she felt this time.
Imoen: So she finally feels revulsion!

"Let us not jump to any hasty conclusions, darling girl." He said
Jailin: Ugh. He talks like Irenicus.
Irenicus: Hush, girl-
Jailin: See? Told you.

he said "they have the ability to fail me." especially the little one."
Khalid: What?
Virgil: Montaron is a hasty conclusion that has the ability to fail him?
Jailin: I think there's something missing here.
Imoen: Yeah. He's stupider than I thought to trust Montaron.

Irenicus: Enough. Next!

Irenicus: And who blunders into my domain now? Ah Kellen. New subjects?
Kellen: *Nods*
Irenicus: I see well let?s see who we have here. Solyrin Irandiil, sun elf wizard and arcane devotee of Denier.
Solyrin: *Nods* Tall, dark, and, leath?ooh is that what I think it is? He has books!
Irenicus: Don?t touch, Solyrin. The time will come for that soon. Minsc, berserker of Rasheman.
Minsc: Minsc will be free! These bonds will not hold my wrath; your butt will be liberally kicked in good measure! Boo cries for justice.
Irenicus: Silence dog, your presence here is useful to me for now. Change that and you will have no more purpose for me. Who?s next? Ah yes, Jaheira, harper, wife of this ?Khalid?.
Jaheira: You will not speak his name, Irenicus! I will have your tongue for it!
Irenicus: Your threats mean little, but still I will keep the information in mind. Next a red wizard of some skill, around the level of the godchild, Edwin Odesseiron.
Edwin: Bah, I?ve more power in one finger than that mageling. (And one day I will show them too.)
Irenicus: Mageling indeed? And finally Imoen of Candlekeep.
Imoen: Sol? Remind me never to try leather for my wizardly outfits; I don?t think soap will remove that imagery.

Imoen So, uh, what book is this we?re reading?
Jaheira: I do believe I heard Kellen complaining about butcherings of our game before sending us in. An official writing of the events, perhaps?
Edwin: Bah! This drivel is hardly fit to be called a book. I could write a better tome in my sleep.
Minsc: Boo says that this book is worse than Irenicus. We must get rid of it!
Solyrin: Minsc, NO! You can?t hurt the book. *Casts Absolute Immunity upon said book*
Jaheira: Child, you have doomed us all.


During the days of the Avatars,

Solyrin: For the benefit of our faithful readers this first section is something being read by the characters within this story. A prophecy I suppose.
Imoen: Sol, I think this is the letter?
Jaheira: Child, the letter you received from Gorion was a letter from E, not a prophecy. Surely you still remember this?
Imoen: And Gorion wasn?t a monk, Jaheira.
Jaheira: Hmm, true. But still it does seem to be a prophecy.

the Black Lord will spawn a score of mortal progeny.

Solyrin: Was not Bane the Black Lord? I don?t recall him having children.
Imoen: Sol, you can barely remember last eve?s meal.
Edwin: No I do believe he is correct here. Bane bore no children, it was more Bhaal?s style.

These offspring will be aligned good and evil, but chaos will flow through them all.

Imoen: Um guys, wasn?t Balthy a monk?
Jaheira: Child I understand you wishing to divert the attention from this, but what has that to do with this.
Imoen: Aren?t monks the epitome of Lawful strict boredom?
Minsc: And they are good warriors. I remember this Balthazar. Minsc and Boo would have been proud to fight by his side, eh, if he was more willing to apply the boots of justice to the villains and not the heroes.

When the Murderer's bastard children come of age,

All: ?
Solyrin: Wait. Surely they mean? ?The Lord of Murder shall perish-
Edwin: But in his doom.? Yes, yes, we know the original. It seems that this is another.
Solyrin: Another prophecy? One that not even the scribes of Candlekeep have discovered? Where is my pen; I must write this down.
Jaheira: Does this really happen so often? What do you do with him all the time?
Imoen: I tend to let him have a pen; it passes quicker that way. And it?s safer.

they will bring havoc to the lands of the Sword Coast. One of these children must rise above the rest and claim their Father's legacy.

Imoen: Hey, I thought we were just supposed to die so he could be reborn.
Jaheira: I do recall?
Sol: Hush! The next line is coming!

This inheritor will shape the history of the Sword Coast for centuries to come.

Solyrin: Here endeth the reading.
Jaheira: Endeth?
Solyrin: I always wanted to say it. Not just for old Tethy?s usage.
Imoen: Hey I thought I was the only one who called him that.
Edwin: (One fireball, and I can end this torment!)

Nonsense.

Solyrin: Well it does seem to be a corrupted prophecy but apart from the inconsistencies of which god, the trouble with monkish children, and the child claiming their father?s legacy I wouldn?t call it nonsense.
Edwin: But those are all good reasons, so I would agree with this summary. Like the rest of this pathetic drivel, it?s nonsense. A good fireball would-
Solyrin: No destroying the book! *Casts Spelltrap on book*
Jaheira: If someone goads him into casting yet another protection spell on this book I?ll have their tongue.

Abdel couldn't believe it, but there it was.

Imoen: Seeing is believing, Abdie ol? pal.

The sheet of stiff parchment his father had thought so important

Solyrin: It could be a prophecy, thousands of years old!
Minsc: Eh, but Boo thinks it would be useless if it were so filled with errors.
Imoen: Don?t get him started. He could rant for hours on the importance of a single word. And that?s a lot more than one word.


that he clutched it with his last quiver of energy in a dying hand, that he smear it with his own blood,

Imoen: Wait, so if it?s important you wipe blood on it?
Edwin: with some of you monkeys I?d believe it.

was a disconnected bit of rambling about?what?

All@Sol: See, disconcerted rambling.
Solyrin: Even the most disconcerted ramblings of madmen can have a speck of something useful.
Edwin: Not this rambling they?ve seen fit to call a story.

Some dead god, maybe,

Jaheira: I?m amazed he came to this conclusion. The prophecy doesn?t explicitly say ?About dead god. Read me?
Imoen: Jaheira, I never realized you could be quite this bad.
Jaheira: I?m trying to balance my usual behavior, and this inspires it.
Solyrin: See the book is giving Jaheira inspiration.
Jaheira: To scathingly reply and think murderous thoughts, yes.

if the reference Avatars was indeed about the Time of Troubles, when gods walked Toril like men and like men, died there.

Solyrin: And men became gods.
Jaheira: Gorion hands him this prophecy with his dying breath and he thinks it?s worthless?
Imoen: I wonder if I got a peek at it, before I mysteriously didn?t enter this story.
Minsc: Boo needs to know, what men they were like. Afterall the strong berserkers of my homeland are different from the evil wizards.




When he'd first started to read it,

Edwin: (Abdel) D- duh- dur- duri- during th- the- the-
Jaheira: Silvanus guide me. Edwin if you don?t stop this instant this book will be the least of your worries.

over the still form of his father,

Solyrin: *Checks script* Oh, there?s our problem. The dead man is supposed to be moving. Take two.

Abdel had been certain it was some kind of personal message, some secret his father had been keeping from him.

Edwin: This Gorion ever the secretive sort, eh?
Solyrin: I found out I was a Bhaalspawn when Elminster himself told me. And Im didn?t find out until Irenicus told her. So yeah, he did keep secrets.
Edwin: I was being rhetorical!

When he first unfolded it and turned his still weeping gaze up to the graying sky

Minsc: Eh? Minsc is not a reader, but he still knows reading is easier when looking at the pages and not the sky.
Imoen: I couldn?t have said it better Minsc.

he thought it must have been about his mother,

Edwin: Never knew his mother. Let us pause for a moment and reflect upon the drama that is unfolding. Then someone find me a river or something; I need to clean myself.

maybe a message from her;

Solyrin: About his mother, and a message from her. ?Hello, Abdel. I?m your mother. I?m about 5?2, 140 lbs, medium length pink hair.?
Imoen: Don?t you dare blame me for that!
Solyrin: My muse was running low.

a letter she'd written to her son

Jaheira: Not his daughter.

moments before she died, or gave him up,

Edwin: Hey Abdel, this is mom. I got rid of you.

or sent him away, or sold him

Imoen: I don?t think she sold him.
Minsc: Boo says that selling babies is one of the worst crimes you can do.
Imoen: I was more thinking she?d have to pay someone to take him.

or anything

Edwin: perhaps dropping him on the side of the road, and letting nature take its course.
Jaheira: Nature would reject that.

- anything that would provide some explanation for why he never knew her.

Solyrin: Deneir preserve, I do believe he?s trying to have an emotional moment here.

Instead it was just nothing, a scrap of words that formed a bit of prophecy that may or may not come true, but wouldn't, Abdel was sure, have anything to do with him.

Imoen: Is he dense or what?
Edwin: (Abdel) I never knew my parents. Mope mope.
Jaheira: (Gorion) This letter is the most important thing to give you before I die.
Imoen: (Strange letter) Some god had a bunch of kids before he died. These kids will cause chaos, have strange murder fetishes, and eventually one will claim daddy?s inheritance.
Solyrin: ? Oh very well. (Abdel) Nothing to do with me, nonsense, words, head hurt.
Minsc: Come over here, Boo. You are too young to be joining their insanity.

"Whatever is to come to pass,

Imoen: Most people say ?Whatever may come to pass,?

old man."

Solyrin: Must they constantly refer to Gorion?s old age? Older than Faerun, old man.
Jaheira: The Time of Troubles. Gorion: 30 Abdel: 4
Edwin: 5 Years after the ToT. Gorion: 86 Abdel: 15
Imoen: 5 years later c. Present. Gorion 366 Abdel: 27
Solyrin: Hey, I?m older than Gorion and I?ve not passed my 130th.

Abdel said to his father, just before he laid him in his shallow grave,

Imoen: Can?t even give a good grave to the man who raised you. That?s gratitude!
Solyrin: *Shifts*
Imoen: Oh not you, Sol. We didn?t have the tools to dig even a shallow grave, but the funeral pyre was better, anyway.

"you won't be around to see it. Maybe I won't be either!"

Minsc: Where is the big man going, Boo?

He wanted to say something else.

Edwin: Goodbye.
Jaheira: I loved you.
Solyrin: Father?
Imoen: Thanks for the healing.
Solyrin: *Smack*
Imoen: Ow! Okay sorry, that was bad.

He searched his mind

Edwin: Searched, or searched for.
Imoen: Good luck with that.

and his heart for some prayer,

Jaheira: He?s going to send prayers to Gorion?

for some line of verse or story, for some memory.

Solyrin: I thought he wasn?t a bookish sort. Wasn?t that part of the reason he left?
Minsc: Minsc is no bookish sort, but he still knows the stories of the great berserkers from his homeland.

He struggled to find words, some marker to the winds

Jaheira: As a note, the winds rarely stay in one place for long. Putting a marker to the winds wouldn?t work well.

that this man had passed from its breath, but there was nothing.

Solyrin: ?
Imoen: ?
Jaheira: Oh come now. Surely you had something to say.
Solyrin: Goodbye?
Imoen: I think there were vows of vengeance too, and Sol promised a book.
Minsc: All that is righteous cried out. Even Boo, but Minsc just though he had been eating eggs again.

The rain started as he filled dirt and gravel over the dead body of his father,

Edwin: As opposed to him filling it over the living body of his father, and burying him alive.

and Abdel let the rain wash away his tears. When he was done

Solyrin: Done what; having his tears washed away?

he stood to his full height

Imoen: which remember was almost seven feet tall. I?m surprised the word impressive wasn?t in there.

and turned his face up towards the cold droplets. He ran his hand through his thick black hair

Edwin: If your trying to dry it, you would do better getting out of the rain.

and closed his eyes letting the rain wash away Gorion's grave dirt and blood.

Minsc: Minsc tried letting the rain wash him clean once. It didn?t work so well, and Dynaheir yelled at him for frightening the locals.
Imoen: You mean you were running around the rain?
Jaheira: Child, do not go there. That?s the last thing we need now.

His father had tended to the wound in his side.

Solyrin: Because the tiny wound in his side was more important than Gorion?s mortal wounds!

It had been deep, but it was now almost healed. He refused to feel the lingering pain, but it was difficult.

Edwin: My wound was deep; it?s almost healed; it still has lingering pain; it?s difficult to ignore.
Jaheira: Sounds like Edwin.
Edwin: I heard that!
Imoen: *Snicker*

He wouldn't live with a wounded heart.

Minsc: He?s going to die? Minsc may have cried when Dynaheir died, but he didn?t die himself. That would have done nothing to avenge her.

His father was dead at the hands of bandit sellswords.

Solyrin: Bandit sellswords? I wasn?t aware bandits were up for purchase?
Imoen: So they?re bandits, sellswords, thugs, hired guards, and mercenaries. Anything else?

Someone paid to kill him and probably paid well.

Jaheira: Is he saying that someone paid them to kill him, or that they were paid to kill him? I?m not sure.

It was business, that was all,

Edwin: Killing people is just business now?

but by failing to kill Abdel too, it was business left undone, business left for Abdel to finish himself.

All: ?
Solyrin: Wait, is he suggesting that he finish the killing himself?
Minsc: Boo says that this man has an unhealthy fascination with death.

Abdel, son of Gorion, adjusted his chainmail tunic, scuffed his hard leather boots on the gravel to clear away some of the mud, shifted his shoulder to center the weight of the big broadsword that hung from his back, found a stick, and set it upright in the disturbed earth.

Solyrin: That sentence is far too long.
Imoen: It?s like the thing that wouldn?t shut up.


He hung on the wet wood the tiny silver gauntlet

Sol&Im: Gorion worships Torm?

that his father had worn on a thin gold chain around his neck, knowing some anonymous traveler would soon enough steal it.

Edwin: So he hangs it there knowing that it would be stolen. Why?

"I'll be back for you." he said, then turned his back and walked away.

Jaheira: He?ll be back to what? Bury him deeper?
Imoen: Take him back to Candlekeep?
Solyrin: Give him a few books?
Edwin: Burn him?
Minsc: Give him a true warriors funeral?

Irenicus: Well if your curiosity is so great I shall be sure to have you read this again.
Solyrin: Minsc? Edwin? You have permission to wipe this thing from existence.
Minsc&Ed: Finally.
Im&Jah: *Cheer*

Foreword:

Err, got started with something there, and it kept going that way...
But I think I managed to leave plenty enough of it for people to read into themselves, so the story adjusts itself to the reader.
except for a few little things.
Oh well.
Thou shalt not suffer.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Irenicus: Ahh, WeeRLegion, I trust you have delievered the fresh test subjects as we agreed.

WeeRLegion: Yes we have.

Irenicus: Good, good, so what manner of an group did you bring?

WeeRLegion: Okarik of course.
WeeRLegion: And Imoen too, and Jaheira.
WeeRLegion: I grabbed Minsc, hope you others don't mind?
WeeRLegion: Not at all, not at all. I myself broguht Viconia.
WeeRLegion: Well, truth be told, we didn't know who to leave out so we just stuffed as many as we could into the auditioning closet, leaving out only those who would not fit in...

Irenicus: Rrriiigghttt then... Subjects, are you ready to suffer?

Okarik: Ha! Bring it leatherface! Always prepared, that's what I always say.

Irenicus: You say... But are you? Over-eager, that's what you are... Anyhow, Let us initiate the session...



It was impossible to tell what made the horrific sound that snatched Abdel out of a restless sleep, or how far away the source of it was, but he was on his feet in an instant.

Imoen: I hate my alarm clock too.
Okarik: ... I've grown rather fond of mine.
Jaheira: Leave that wall alone kids. Somebody put it there for a purpose.

He had buried his adopted father earlier that day

Okarik: More like, hid away from scavengers for later consumption I'd say...
Imoen: Huh?
Okarik: Could it be alive with so little functioning brain-mass if it weren't undead?
Imoen: Oh, that's just farfetched.
Okarik: Ah, but he also stares hungrily at dying people, I believe positive proof definitely outweights...
Edwin: Quiet you simians! I'm trying not to hear any of this. (Yes, it would not do to have my mind corrupted by this degenerate rambling...)

and made it to where the Way of the Lion from Candlekeep met the long well-travelled Coast Way Road.
A stone marker had been erected there. Intricately carved from a solid block of granite, it had been a welcome sight when he'd seen it. Now, it was a reminder of all he had lost since then.

Okarik: His frontal lobe maybe?
Imoen: Naww, he would have borrowed one from a hobgoblin if that ever happened.
Okarik: Maybe he did?

With Gorion gone, Abdel wasn't even sure he'd be allowed back into Candlekeep.
Now there was little time for those thoughts.

Okarik: What? But he didn't seem to be in any hurry to actually DO anything...
Imoen: Or maybe he was, but the author decided to polis up his image?
Okarik: Yeah... Makes me think, in stories they never mention toilets unless they're plot related...
Jaheira: Oh, grow up you!

The sound was getting closer, and getting closer fast.
It was like a chorus of angry dogs competing for attention with a thousand bards whose tongues had been cut out so all they could do was wail and mutter, grunt and shout.

Jaheira: Oh. He is about to meet Garrick?
Imoen: Aww, he wasn't THAT bad...
Okarik: He did keep ogling you too, you know...
Imoen: Yeah, maybe he is about to meet Garrick.

The sound made Abdel afraid, and that was a rare thing.

Minsc: Boo is confused, why is Abdel afraid? Minsc has yet to meet a sound that could kill a man!
Imoen: Oooo! Maybe he's soundophobic?

He had to force himself back against the stone marker, so strong was his urge to slash out into the night at that fear.

Anomen (Abdel): Graaa! Die fear! DIE!
Haer'Dalis (Paul Atreides): I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear... And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear is gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Okarik: Keep it quiet you lore-sucking geek.
Haer'Dalis: Why, my rabid chihuahua, does not the birth-cycle of a simian interest you in the least?
Okarik: I SAID SHUT UP!
Anomen: Actually you...
Edwin: Quiet you apes!

Abdel assumed he was in for a fight with whatever was making that godsforsaken racket.

Okarik: Oh, such broad generalization! I'm sure one of the deities would heartily endorse that racket!
Anomen: Pffftttt...

Whatever it was sounded like a lot of somethings and he?d have to fight as much with his mind as with his arm to make up for the odds.

Okarik: Haha! Foolish idiot! You gotta fight with your whole body, with all the strength and the speed of it, with a healthy blend of practiced reactions, instinct and mind...
Jaheira: Spare us the lectures, let's just get this over with.

The stone felt rough and wet against his back, and he realized he?d removed his chain mail tunic when he lay down to sleep.

Imoen: Smart moves! Learn them all from mister I'm-hunted-by-assassins-and-sleeping-alone-by-a-busy-road!

The night was dark, still overcast from the afternoon and evening?s rain.
Abdel set his eyes to slits to try to cut through the darkness and see what was making this noise which was now so loud the sellsword?s ears began to sting. The Chorus of incoherent vocalizations threathened to drive Abdel mad with fear and rage.

Jaheira: And we wouldn't want that to happen...
Imoen: Would you notice a difference?
Okarik: If ?incoherent vocalizations? ever threaten me with madness I'll just be happy knowing that I've already crossed that line.
Viconia: So it would be an, what do you call it... enlightening experience?
Okarik: Shaddap...

He saw the whole thing first as a mass of shadow, like it was one thing along the ground to the south of the crossroads. The mass hit a tree, not a huge tree, but sizeable- and seemed to suck it under without hesitating.

Okarik: HAHAHAHA! Beware the horrid tree-suckers!

Then the mass started to take on shapes inside it and Abdel ralized to his horror and frustration that this loud gibbering mass was a horde of individual creatures - hunderds of them - that walked like men.

Jaheira: Gibberlings? How disappointing...
Imoen: ?Horror and frustration?? Now what could possibly be the better option he had so hoped to see... ?
Okarik: The pride parade?

Abdel drew his breath slowly, his jaw sleck so he wouldn?t hiss and give himself away.

Okarik (Abdel): HISSSS! Take me gibberlings! Take me good! HISSS!
Viconia: Do stop fantasizing.
Okarik: Oh, screw you! Fricken overgrown pervert moles...
Viconia: Well it wasn't...
Imoen: Please! You're making me puke.

Though the moon was tucked behind a mantle of clouds and not a single start was visible.
Abdel was thankful suddenly that he wasn?t wearing his armour.

Okarik: *snort* He thinks he can enjoy the gibberlings better without...
Anomen: GAH! For Helm's sake! I should just smite you, you...
Viconia: Oh, if you ever do smite him... please, do invite me to watch.
Okarik: Somebody get me a gag or something!
Imoen: With pleasure, but Vicky needs one too...
Jaheira: Cut it out! We are not here to be the show.

A reflection might have attracted the attention of any one member of this horrible swarm and sent the entire swarm in his direction.

Okarik: And we all know gibberlings...
Anomen: SOMEBODY! GAG HIM WITH A SPOON! QUICK!

Even Abdel couldn?t possibly defend himself against this tide of dark skinned bodies.

Okarik: *MMPPPHHHGGHHRHRHRHRHRR!!!*
Jaheira: There, is that better?

Just then Abdel saw the glint of steel among the shadows of the horse. They?ve got swords, he thought, they?re armed with swords.

Viconia: Or maybe they carry stee...
Others: *Glare*
Viconia: *Smirk*

This made him realize he was holding a lot of telltale steel himself, and he silently slipped the broadsword behind his back.

Okarik: *GHHHRHRHRHUHHGHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!*
Viconia: Does he even need to say that?
Anomen: Quiet you or I'll... Gahh...
Viconia: Drool on my boots?! Fine, I won't say a word, but I'll have you know that is the most uncivilized threat I've ever heard.
Anomen: You...

He didn?t gasp when he heard the rustle of gravel behind him, on teh other side of the crossroad marker.

Imoen: ... aren't stories usually about what did happen, and not what did not?
Haer'Dalis: I believe you are correct, though I'll have to say that some stories would be better with everything arranged the other way around...

He tightened his grip on his sword and tried to think of a prayer to Thorm.
The sound behind him stopped, but he didnt care turn around.

Okarik: Oh, makes sense, usually you look about when you DO hear a sound...
Jaheira: ... What did you do with the spoon?
Okarik: I swallowed it.
Imoen: That's gotta be unhealthy...
Okarik: I always enjoy a challenge.

His attention behind him, Abdel didn?t hear the thing approach from his left side but he could smell it.

Okarik: ...
Jaheira: NOT a word.
Okarik: Fine, fine, I won't question what his attention is still doing behind him, no, I swear I won't. *grins, smugly*

Before he even realized what he was doing he brought his blade back around in front of him, twisted his wrist and slashed low across his left side.
The blade met with resistance, and though Abdel couldn?t see the beast in the darkness, he knew by the fact it ddin?t scream that he?d killed it instantly.

Okarik: Or maybe it was a meatshield.

There was a flurry of babbling, yelling, guttural throat noises that burst into Abdel?s heariing right after that though, and he realized there were more, lots more, and they?d seen him.
Rusted, pitted, jagged blades slashed at Abdel.
He flicked back one attack after another killed one of the things, then another, all the time keeping his back against the stone marker.

Imoen: ... Flicked?
Okarik: Hey, that's what I do with arrows.
Imoen: You're a monk.
Okarik: He's Gary Stu.
Imoen: Point.
Jaheira: Hello, is this 4th-wall concrete co.? Yes, we need a new wall here. Yes, yes, chateau D'Irenicus or whatever it's called.
Imoen: Hey, you broke that one yourself!
Jaheira: Cheeky girl, mind your own business.

He kept his blade slashing in front of him to make a sort of wall of steel, but the occasional slice got through.

Okarik: Of course, he should at least try to protect his flanks too, not only the front. Oh, and his rear too, he's got an opening there.
Anomen: No, no, he's got the stone marker there.
Okarik: *Snickersnickersnicker*
Anomen: ... you're SOOO dead once were out, you're SOOO dead...

The wound in his side began to hurt again but he had to ignore it and keep fighting.

Okarik: Uhh, what else is new?

When he killed another one of the screaming, babbling things another one stepped on the back of its falled horde mate and came at Abdel anew.

Imoen: A fresh another steps on the back of a fallen another and comes at him anew despite being fresh in the fight. Interesting.
Okarik: MOOOST interesting.

Abdel began to realize he was going to die that night.

Imoen: All on three... one, two three.
All: HURRAY! HURRAY! HURRAY!

There was a subtle change in the tenor of the mass sound and after a few seconds of an altogether different wail, the horde turned as one and came north, towards Abdel.
Abdel kept batting them away one after another until he was covered in blood, some of it his.
It seemed like hours, like forever but only a few seconds passed before a sudden burst of light blinded the sellsword.

[i]Haer'Dalis: And the god of the machine stepped down from heavens above to do his dirty work. *sigh* I sorely wish we had luck like that.

Imoen: Hey, we do! It ended!

All: HUZZZAAAH!

Since I got the text off the internet, there are a few spots where I had to guess what the strange grammar and spelling actually meant. It was especially fun where words were left out, so I had to make them up, as well as the spacing. So if there are any mistakes, sorry!
This is also your opportunity to play Guess Which Kido Portrait I Use!

Irenicus: Next?
Vix: What the --? Edwin, have you been messing with the Nether Scroll again?
Edwin: With my current power, did you really think I would continue playing with such paltry magics?
Irenicus: ...Oh, come on, Edwin again? And Jaheira? Their are plenty of other character's in this game, you know.
Edwin: ?I must say, even with my vast intelligence, I have no idea what you are talking about. I have not seen you since Vix and I utterly destroyed you.
Jaheira: Unless your chatter has truly driven me insane Wizard, I believe I was there too.
Viconia: And I.
Edwin: Hmph. (Foolish wenches, thinking we need them?although the drow is rather attractive?.)
Vix: I heard that.
Irenicus: Go. Read. NOW!

There was no noise, no thunder, but Abdel was sure it must have been lightning

Vix: Edwin, doesn?t lightning bounce off of things like rock in a way that defies any natural explaination?
Edwin: Yes?
Vix: So shouldn?t it have bounced forward and hit him?
Edwin: Yes?
Vix: So shouldn?t he be dead and not making us read this story?
Jaheira: Since this sad excuse of a tale has ignored all other logic, why would it follow that of magic?
Vix: Just wishful thinking, I guess?

striking the stone over his head. He?d had his eyes wide open, drinking in any meager scrap of light

Viconia: How do humans survive without darkvision?
Vix: Well, they don?t live as long as us.
Viconia: Good point.
Jaheira: And their eyes drink?
Vix: Yeah, I just don?t want to think about that.

he could when the yellow flash came out of nowhere. He screamed in pain and clenched his eyes tight. Tears streamed down his gore splattered face and the rhythm of his defensive slashes faltered.

Vix: Which tends to happen when you?re blinded.
Lillacor: Screw the defensive! Kill them ALLLLL!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Vix: Shoot, I thought I was still using Carsomyr?

The sound the horde of creatures made in reaction to the light was deafening. A thousand varieties of keening wails

Viconia: Only a thousand? Pity.

sent shivers through Abdel?s body It sounded like a whole village being slaughtered at the same time.

Vix: Wait?when had Abdel ever heard that before? Isn?t he some good guy off to save puppies and the like? I mean, even I?ve only heard it once.
Jaheira: What is this Vix?
Vix: I, uh?I had to do it! They were evil villagers and um?destroying the balance of nature? And uh, I love you and am trying to preserve party neutrality so you don?t leave!


They stopped attacking and as Abdel blinked past huge amorphous blobs of purple and electric blue that filled his vision,

Edwin: Yes, of course, it wasn?t a lightning bolt; it was Tenser?s Transformation of Gibberlings into Jello?

he saw the horde retreat. The creatures, ugly naked humanoids with sickly purple hides stretched over taut muscles and heads like distorted lions with wiry black manes fled the light that still burned brightly, but with no heat, above Abdel?s head.

Viconia: He can see in amazingly good detail for having JUST BEEN BLINDED.

Exhausted and relieved Abdel slid down to his [knees?], the stone scraping through his thin chemise.

Vix: He?s wearing a chemise?
Viconia: How fancy?that?s almost worse than Edwin?s dress.
Edwin: It is not a dress! These are highly authoritative robes which only enhance my already awesome power!
Viconia: And show off your girlish figure.
Vix: Viconia, you?re wearing robes too. Edwin, you?re very manly. And can someone explain why the chaotic-evil one is trying to make the party get along? Isn?t that Jaheira?s job?

He was panting, almost gasping for air, and his sword seemed to weigh a thousand pounds.
?Good enough.? a reedy, gruff voice

Vix: Uh, excuse me if I?ve got my adjectives wrong, but isn?t reedy usually high and thin, and gruff rough and low? So a reedy, gruff voice is??
Jaheira: Right in the middle, of course.
Edwin: This scribe must be a Harper if they even waste the time to balance their adjectives.

said. ?ye can stop that damn light.? Abdel wanted to spring to his feet and whirl into a defensive stance against this stranger but he just couldn?t.

Vix: Even I would at least wait until I saw who they were before I killed them. I mean, they just saved his life for Gods? sakes!

He decided to wait until whoever spoke those words came close enough that he could kill them without standing up.

Edwin: Now, if the simian had instead studied the delicate craft of wizardry, he wouldn?t have to wait.
Viconia: A spell would have taken out the Gibberlings quickly as well.
Vix: Hey, not all of us can zap people. I still get along fine.
Jaheira: With a party that all can cast spells. Except you and the Kensai.
Vix: Just proves I?m smarter than Abdel.
Jaheira: I think your sword is smarter than Abdel.
Lillacor: WOOOOOOO!!!! LET?S KILL THEM ALL!!!!!!
Vix: You?re right; he can at least consistently talk in full sentences.

?It?ll go away on its own, right?

Edwin: Since you cast it, I certainly hope you know.

another voice asked. ?Let?s get a look at our new -- our new friend.? Footsteps came around the stone marker, two steps and Abdel did manage to stand to meet them, though his chest still heaved. He closed his eyes tight again holding his sword out in front of him with both hands.

Vix: Yes, closing your eyes and waving your sword in front of you, the tactic of champions. If years of mercenary work never taught him that I?m surprised he learned not to hold the sword by the sharp end.
Lillacor: That?s right, put the sword in control! It?s stabbity time!
Vix: ?

He was looking down when he opened his eyes. He saw, past smaller purple flashes this time, a pair of bare, wide feet, covered on the instep with thick, curly red hair.

Vix: Three guesses to what race he is, and the first two don?t count.
Viconia: Racist.

The boots that stood next to those feet were finely made of shiny black leather. One of the newcomers chuckled and said, ?How ye fairin? boy??

Vix: How cute, they even gave him an endearing accent.
Viconia: Racist.

Abdel had to laugh. He wasn?t fairing well at all.
?That?s the second time this day,? Abdel said, blinking his watery eyes to finally clear his vision. ?that I?ve had to fight for my life. Do you intend to make it a third??

Viconia: This Surfacer is more paranoid than that depressed elf!
Jaheira: It is a sad day when ?How are you?? equals a battle to the death. What is our land coming too?
Vix: A sad day? Sounds like fun to me?all those annoying commoners?hehe

?Ha!? The one with the hairy feet -- Abdel could see now that he was a halfling ?

Vix: Now wait, Abdel is standing up and looking down, right?
Jaheira: I believe so, though this scribe?s twisting narrative leaves me unsure.
Vix: And he?s seven feet tall, making him a lot taller than the Halfling. So, shouldn?t he have seen the top of the halfling?s head at the very beginning, rather than just his feet?
Viconia: A better question: why are you paying enough attention to remember all that?
Vix: Thief thing. Attention to detail, and all that. But seriously, how did he not notice all the Halfling over those feet?
Jaheira: Have you ever seen a halfling?s feet? They are in fact quite distracting.

exclaimed. ?We intend no such thing.?

Lillacor: Of course, the one time I?m invited, they don?t even fight?

?By all means, no,? the other one, a tall, thin human draped in black robes

Vix: He?s wearing black robes, he must be a good guy!

?added, ?rest easy -- rest easy.? Abdel studied these two unlikely rescuers. The halfling was odd for his kind, though he was as short, stocky and fair of complexion as most of his race. He had a devilish quality to him, though, that Abdel had seen on a long parade of sellswords, toughs, thieves and rogues

Viconia: Now that sounds like a much more interesting parade than most.
Lillacor: But there probably wouldn?t be any firetrucks.
Vix: Shut up or you're going back in the Bag of Holding.
Lillacor: But it?s dark in their! And there?s nothing to stab!

but not many Halflings

Viconia: Racist.
Jaheira: I?m not sure?of the Halflings we met, most were just commoners, not devilish. And there was that one who wanted to be a paladin too?Maybe they?re just too small to hold enough evil.
Edwin: What about that one who bound the souls of those he killed to serve him? He ought to count as evil.
Vix: Yeah, Neb! He was cool.
Jaheira: ?

He was wearing thick, reddish brown leather worked into armour to protect his vitals

Vix: Wait, am I going insane, or did that actually make sense?
Viconia: No, you are correct. I too almost expected armor that left him completely defenseless.

but cut to leave his arms free.

Vix: Is it that hard to say he was wearing leather armor?

A long sword of excellent make, an imposing weapon for one as small

Viconia: Racist.
Vix: Hey, imposing weapons work. Why do you think two handed swords are so popular?
Lillacor: Ha! I knew you liked me! Now can we go kill something? Please?
Vix: As soon as we find him again, Irenicus. He's going to pay for making me sit through this.
Lillacor: WOOOOOOOOO! MURDER DEATH KILL!

as he hung at his side in a gold filigreed scabbard. The halfling wriggled his pug nose and smiled back at Abdel?s stare.
?G?day, young sir.?

Viconia: From ?boy? to ?sir? already? I?m quickly losing respect for this Halfling.
Vix: Yet you still won?t stop standing up for his rights.

he said in an odd accent that might have been -- Waterdeep? some city, Abdel was certain, which was again unusual for a Halfling

Viconia: Racist.
Vix: ?point proven.

?Name?s Montaron an? my travelin? companion ?ere is Xzar

Vix: Hey, I remember them. I killed them...then they showed up again. They wanted in the Harper's Hold, right?
Jaheira: And of course you didn't help them...?
Vix:...yeah, about that...

that?s ?im set that godsawful bright light up there to interrupt that little party ye were throwin?. Abdel nodded to the halfling and turned his attention to the human. The one called Xzar was tall, thin and twitchy. His face kept moving like there were worms under his skin

Vix: Ewwwww?just gross.
Edwin: Though rather intimidating? (With the right charm it would be possible?)
Vix: Edwin?no. Just no. If you make anything crawl under your face, I will make you regret it.

and his mouth worked as if he were talking to himself silently all the time.

Vix: What is it with wizards and murmuring?
Jaheira: Of course, we ended up with the wizard who mutters aloud.
Edwin: I do not mutter! I am perfectly clear and commanding with my every word. (She thinks I mutter?well, at least I don?t go hugging trees and talking to squirrels).

Every once in a while he?d twitch his head violently to one side, as if too shoo away a fly that wasn?t really there.
?Gibberlings? the human said ?are not quite at all?

Edwin: Or able to follow the laws of Grammar (I?m beginning to think whoever wrote this was a gibberling?).

a twitch made him pause ?fond of light... at all.?

Vix: Well, that sort of made sense, in a repetitive sort of way?ack, its starting to get to me too.

?Gibberlings?? Abdel repeated understanding that was the name of the horde of beasts, an apt name for their incomprehensible vocalizing.

Vix: So he?s traveled up and down the Sword Coast for years, and yet doesn?t know what a gibberling is? I thought they attacked all poorly equipped new adventurers.

?An? ye are?? The halfling prompted
?Abdel,? he said shifting his sword to his left hand and holding out his right ?I am Abdel... son of Gorion.?

Viconia: Well, aren?t you special.
Edwin: Doesn't that mean you're related to this ape?
Vix: No, just no.... My Gorion was not stupid enough to give up his life for someone like that.

Montaron took Abdel?s hand, and his grip was firm. He smirked a little, as if at some private joke. Xzar rubbed nervously at his own face absentmindedly racing lines around the rather prominent tattooed mask surrounding his eyes.

Vix: Hey, doesn?t Kido have a mask like that?wait, this guy sounds a lot like Kido?
Edwin: Except he seems actually competent at casting spells.
Viconia: You know, that?s probably not a good thing to say about the dagger-wielding chaos-worshipper of the party, unless you have a serious deathwish.

When the halfling?s hand fell away. Abdel turned his open palm to Xzar, but the human twitched away from it and made a quarter turn as if to wander off.

Vix: Twitching and wandering too?you know, if it wasn?t for the whole worm-face thing, I?d be ready to swear this was Kido.
Jaheira: No, the bard talks far too much, unlike this Xzar.

?Ye?ll have to excuse my friend there.? the halfling said, nodding to Xzar. ??e?s not the friendliest sort,

Vix: I wouldn?t be friendly either if there were worms under my skin.

but ?em casties he does makes ?im might ?andy in a pinch.?

Edwin: His casties make him handy?
Vix: Edwin, stop trying to kill the fictional character.

Abdel thought nothing of it. This Xzar was a strange one, but he?d met stranger.

Vix: But not a gibberling...

?I should thank you,? Abdel said to the halfling.
?Aye ye should.? Montaron chuckeled. ?if ye ?ad any manners. I don?t myself, so I don?t expect them in others.?

Jaheira: At least he?s honest?
Vix: I?d be more prone to thank him if he just killed Abdel off already.

This road ain?t an easy walk Maybe we could offer ye a chance to return the favor, eh??
?I?m bound for the Friendly Arms,? Abdel said, raising his eyebrows to wait for a response.
Xzar grunted but Montaron only continued to smile blankly. ?ye?ll find more work in Nashkel.? the halfling said.
?Nashkel?? ?Aye--? Montaron started when suddenly it was dark again.

Vix: So they?ve been standing there in the blinding light the entire time?
Viconia: Apparently.

The magical light went out all of a sudden and seemed to take the sound of the receding horde of humanoids with it.

Viconia: Ah, sweet darkness.
Jaheira: Though with the light gone, what?s to stop the gibberlings from turning around and coming back?
Vix: Other than their own stupidity? Though judging by the way this book has ignored logic so far, they?ll be back, with longswords +3 and animal companions.

?Thank the Lord of three Crowns?

Kido: Cyric be praised!
Vix: AH! WHERE IN THE NINE HELLS DID YOU COME FROM?!?!?!?!
Kido: Of course I?m here. I?ll follow my Bhaalspawn anywhere, until I find something better to do. Besides, he mentioned Cyric, and since my showing up is just confusing, I had to do it.
Vix: You survived this long without saying anything?
Kido: How could I say anything that would improve upon this masterpiece?
Vix: Even I could find the humor in Biff the Understudy, but this??

Montaron said, his voice suddenly edged with a surprising glee. ?I was beginning to think that would never fade away.

Edwin: And it never did. It just went out.

Things are clearer in the dark, ain?t they Abdel.?

Jaheira: I understand now. He must be a vile drow, reveling in the night.
Viconia: ?
Vix: Um, I love you both, please don?t kill each other, party neutrality, yay?

The sellsword only blinked, hoping not to go blind from all sudden changes in lighting.

Viconia: No, please do go blind. You?ll die sooner.

?Anyway? Montaron added. ?there?s work for the taking in Nashkel?
?I have business at the Friendly Arms?
So ye?re not in need o? work??
Abdel was, in fact, quite in need of work,

Vix: Isn?t his job to go find Khalid and Jahi? at the Friendly Arms?
Jaheira: You were at least able find us without picking up any?strays.
Vix: Yeah?hey, did you notice that the scribe spelt your name?well, half your name wrong?
Jaheira: ...?

but promises had been made and there was this Khalid and another waiting for Gorion at the Friendly Arms. The gnome-run roadhouse was three days? travel to the north, and Nashkel was a full tenday in the opposite direction.

Edwin: If I?d wanted to learn geography, I would have gotten a map.

?What kind of work?? Abdel asked.
?The kind o? work I?m guessing ye?re in,

Viconia: Classism.
All@Viconia: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHSHUT UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Viconia: Hmph.

an lots of it. Word around the campfires is there?s some trouble in the mines there.?
?I have to go to the Friendly Arms first.? Abdel said flatly. ?There are people waiting for me there, but I will be in need of work.?
?So the Roadhouse first, then??

Vix: Did Abdel ever actually ask them to tag along? I mean, if someone started following me around without my permission, I?d stab them so fast?
Jaheira: What about Kido?
Vix: Well, yeah, that was an accident, but I didn?t really want to be smited by Cyric or anyone, so I thought stabbing him was probably not a good idea until I became all-powerful or something.

Xzar asked matter of factly, and in the darkness Abdel couldn?t tell if the mage was talking to him or the Halfling.
Montaron solved the problem by answering, ?Aye, the Friendly Arms first, then Nashkel. I could use a night?s sleep in a real bed anyway.?

Vix: ?wait, are we done? That wasn?t that bad, I guess. Other than the worm-face thing.
Irenicus: Don?t worry girl, I am not through with you.
Vix: Are you going to make me kill you again? Oh well, it might be fun.
Irenicus: Er?next victims please!

This section is the start of Chapter 4, just before the last bit.


After spending three days with Montaron and Xzar on the road to the Friendly Arms, Abdek had to admit he kind of liked the gruff halfling. The little guy was odd, to be sure. He would complain incessantly all day that the sun was too bright, even though the sky was overcast and dull grey most of the time. His aversion to light was sometimes silly, other times it was disturbing. Montaron seemed amused by his human companion, Xzar, and often teased him by tossing pebbles and twigs at the tall mage?s head as they walked.

Livarion: Now, I remember Montaron being distrubing in a number of ways, but he wasn't that bothered by light.

Xan: But throwing things at Xvar is quite in character.

Abdel was ready to do more than tease Xzar. Abdel was beginning to think about killing him. As the halfling joked, and the mage pontificated, and the hours dragged on, Abdel would devise elaborate plans to murder Xzar, just to pass the time.

Yeslick: Excuse me lass, but did you ever fantasize about killin' yer companions?

Livarion: Imoen when she was being a real pest. And Jaheira, but that's a normal response to meeting her.

Xzar had a way of speaking that confused and irritated Abdel. He would rearrange and repeat words for no good reason, would remain silent when he should speak and speak when he had nothing useful to say. The mage twitched literally all the time, and though Abdel felt sorry for the obviously disturbed man at first, eventually he couldn?t think about anything but how much he wanted to slap him.

Branwen: SLAP HIM! You are a warrior, not a teenage girl.

He was able to ignore the twitchy mage for the first day?s walk, but when they?d settled into camp, Xzar told him the one thing Abdel always wanted to hear.

Livarion: I want to have your children.

Others: stare

Livarion: He said it to me.

?I know,? Xzar told him, ?who your father?your father is.?

Xan: And Abdel will of course give serious consideration, or as much as his mind can manage, to the words of someone he believes to be deranged. Rightly I might add.

Abdel sat up straight and Montaron, who had been chuckling happily in the darkness was suddenly bone still.

Yeslick: Chuckling in the dark tends to give your position away.

?What did you say?? Abdel asked, the only way he could thinkl of to ask the man to continue.

Xan: And again he displays his lack of intelligence.

?Xzar,? Montaron started, then just said, ?Xzar?.? Again.

Branwen: So Montaron also has problems repeating words now?

?Your father,? the mage said to Abdel, ignoring the halfling, ?your father was??

?Enough!? Montaron said sharply, and the mage spun to lock eyes with him. ?Can?t ye see the boy?s a mite sensitive ?bout that.?

Yeslick: A well-timed interruption there, buildin' dramatic tension.

?How would you know this?? Abdel asked Xzar, ignoring the halfling. ?You don?t even know me. You don?t know who I am, how could you know my father??

Xan: He was there when you wer dropped on the head as a child, obviously.

Montaron reached out and put a hand on Xzar?s forearm. The mage jerked away violently.

Livarion: I'd expect him to shout, 'Don't touch me.' in response.

?He should be happy,? Xzar said to no one in particular, ?he should be happy to be the son of a god?of a god.?

Yeslick: Duh duh dihn.

Abdel sighed. The man was insane.

Xan: What's the human expression, it takes one to know one?

?I am the son of a god?? Abdel asked, anger making his voice tight and quiet.

Branwen: I believe Ghaunadar in a fit of rage blasted his followers so they lost their intelligence, so it is plausible.

?Oh,? the mage said, his voice dripping condescension, ?oh, yes, oh, yes, you most certainly are.?

?My friend,? the halfling said to Abdel, ?is obviously a madman, but ?e can make fire shoot from ?is fingertips, so I keep ?im around.?

?Shut your?? Xzar scolded, ??your?your?he?s the son of Bhaal.?

Livarion: And Bhaal is very proud of you, I'm sure. *mutters* Murderous idiot.

Xan: I believe Bhaal would be proud of this one. And remember that we aren't all half-deaf.

Abdel sighed again and lay down to go to sleep. Xzar muttered to himself for a little while, his voice eventually fading into the sound of the crickets.

Xan: He walked off into the night, or stopped talking?

?I buried my father,? Abdel said, more for himself than for the delusional mage or the halfling, ?the only father I?ll ever need, the day I met you two. He was no god, and neither am I.?

Xan: He isn't claiming that you're a god, merely that your natural father was one.

?An? what if ye were?? Montaron asked, his voice soft on the night?s quiet breeze.

Abdel looked up at him, and even in the darkness he could tell the halfling?s face was set, serious. This made Abdel laugh.

Yeslick: Good eyes, fer a human.

?I?d wish myself a thousand times a thousand pieces of gold, for one,? Abdel answered. This made Montaron laugh. ?I?d drop the Sword Coast into the sea just to see it sink and make zombies of everyone who ever spoke ill of me."

All, sniggering: Brains. Hungry. Brains.

[i]?Make me lord o? Waterdeep?? the halfling joked.

?Aye,? Abdel said, mimicking Montaron?s peculiar brogue, ?ye?ll be king of the world.?

Branwen: Oooh, he likes Montaron. A romance is budding between them.

Livarion: Excuse me while I bash my brains out against a wall to remove the mental image you just created.

Irenicus: The walls are padded, you will not be able to achieve this.

Xan: We're doomed.

[i]The two of them laughed, and when Montaron finally settled down to sleep he said,

?Sometimes, lad, things ?ave a way o? surprisin? ye.?

?Yes,? Abdel said, yawning, ?they do at that.?

Livarion: If that wasn't a cliche, it might indicate that he had learnt something in his travels.

Yeslick: Now unless I'm wrong, did'n yer Gorion keep ye in Candlekeep till this journey started.

Livarion: Yes, well, my Gorion wanted to keep me safe. And it was a good place to learn.

Xan: Obviously Abdel was less suited to intellectual company.

Branwen: Though he was suited to travelling with thugs, provided they did all the thinking.

Livarion: How much more of this to go?

Irenicus: Chapters and chapters.

All: Arrgh.

Edited by Bluenose, 27 July 2007 - 05:32 AM.

This is the repost, starting the process of getting this back in order.

Abdel had visited the Friendly Arms over half a dozen times in the past several years,

Anomen: Pardon me, my lady, but had you not been beyond Candlekeep before this point in your travels?
Kaylia: Gorion and Tethtoril would like to think so. But as for what I actually got up to, well... it's called the Friendly Arm Inn, dammit!

but the sight of it always surprised him.

Minsc: Boo wants to know how one could be surprised by a fortress. He says fortresses don't move much, and don't sneak up on you at night.
Edwin: Your rodent has more presence of mind than Abdel does. As do fleas, cockroaches, and other vermin.
Minsc: Are you calling Boo vermin, evil wizard?
Edwin: (Well, that too...) I was calling our dear Kaylia's gender-confused alter ego vermin, brute. And what kind of self-respecting man wears a chemise, for Thay's sake?!
Kaylia: As I recall, when I took you shopping after that little incident with the Nether Scroll, you looked rather good in a Calishite-style chemise.
Edwin: Of course I did! I look good in anything!
Kaylia: Uh huh... of course, when I had to take you shopping for underwear, well...
Anomen: You did WHAT?!
Kaylia: Er... nothing.

It had been a rather well-built fortress in its day constructed by a cult of the now-dead god Bhaal.

Edwin: That does not sound like Bhaal. He was a secretive god, not a self-respecting god like Kossuth.
Anomen: What is it with you and self-respect, wizard? Do you imply you have none for yourself?
Edwin: Silence, armor-plated monkey.

The story was that a band of gnomes who ran the place had run afoul of the cultists, and after years of fighting back and forth the gnomes drove the Bhaal worshippers out.

Kaylia: Didn't you just say the cultists were the ones who built the fortress in the first place?

This seemed unlikely to Abdel, though,

Anomen: Much like the concept of a competent warrior would seem to him.

as he met a few gnomes in his day and found it difficult to believe that people who barely reached his knee could drive anyone out of anywhere.

Kaylia: Racist *Is abruptly hit by an empowered Silence spell*
Irenicus: Watch your tongue, elf. This is a family show.
Edwin: *This* is considered appropriate family entertainment here? Kossuth help me, I love this place! It's just like Thay!
Minsc: Boo thinks that was obscenely cheerful, even for you, wizard.

Abdel didn't know anything about this god Bhaal

Anomen: Or anything else that cannot be expressed in a crude grunt.

but if it was true that his worshippers were driven out of such an imposing stone fortress by these tiny forest folk... well, no wonder their god didn't survive the Time of Troubles.

Edwin: This would be a prelude to dramatic irony, I suppose? Bah.
Kaylia: And I certainly knew about Bhaal. I grew up in Candlekeep, for the love of Erevan Illesere!
Irenicus: What is this?! How did you regain the power of speech?
Anomen: I cast dispel magic on her, you horror.
Irenicus: I'll take that as a compliment.

Xzar?s delusional ramblings weren't lost on Abdel either.

Anomen: Are not delusional ramblings by definition meaningless?

The fact that the mage had used Bhaal as the focus of his fantasies about Abdel's parentage

Kaylia: That's a big old warhammer of foreshadowing plus ten if I ever saw one.
Edwin: You suggest there is a plot here to foreshadow?
Kaylia: Hate to say it, but you have a point...

must have meant that Xzar had heard the story of the origin of the Friendly Arms as well.

Anomen: Or he simply could have read about it. Wizards are generally well-versed in lore.
Minsc: Even Minsc can read! Well, not much more than pictures, but even pictures tell stories!

If they'd been in the Dalelands his father might have been Elminster, or maybe he should move to Evermeet and take on Corellon Larethian as his sire.

Edwin: Abdel, this is reality. You are not an elf. And that buffoon Elminster is Mystra's lover. And you have not the wit to recognize a magical incantation when you hear one, let alone develop the spark of magic yourself.
Kaylia: The idea that this idiot may have shared my species would be enough to drive me to homicide.
Edwin: Of Abdel?
Kaylia: No, probably of you. Abdel's just a wandering idiot who has trouble counting to two. You're a Red Wizard of Thay.
Edwin: Yet I notice you keep my company. Even you recognize power incarnate when you see it.
Kaylia: Yes, I do. That's why my wedding with Anomen is scheduled for two weeks from now in Baldur's Gate.
Anomen: PWNED!
Everyone Else: ...
Anomen: Oops.

The Friendly Arms was a little village as much as it was a fortress.

Minsc: Boo says those two things tend to exclude each other. A little village is little. A fortress is big.

Within its high curtain walls of grey stone was a collection of buildings devoted to any number of purposes but all serving travellers in one way or another.

Anomen: That actually appears to be one of the less flagrant defiances of logic and cohesion we have seen.

Abdel and his two companions approached the front gate and a heavy wooden drawbridge was lowered over a moat.

Kaylia: Actually, the drawbridge is normally lowered during the day. People come and go from the Inn all the time-why would they raise and lower the drawbridge for each person.

Coming in from the south they could see that the moat didn't make it all the way around the keep yet,

Edwin: Thus defying the definition of a moat.
Anomen: It is not as though anyone attacked the Inn in the first place.

and there were teams of diggers and other labourers half heartedly moving about.

Kaylia: They're more motivated to work than we are to keep reading.
Minsc: But Boo says the sinister wizard with the leathery face is casting a spell that makes us read.
Kaylia: Hey! Aren't elves supposed to be resistant to that kind of magic?
Irenicus: Much as the book defies all logic, laws of nature, and common sense, so do all who read it.
Kaylia: Oh, Erevan Ilesere...
Irenicus: The power of the Seldarine cannot touch you here.
Minsc: But Boo can! Feet his fuzzy wrath!
Irenicus: How typical.

The moat was a new addition, then, and certainly more for show than for defence.

Anomen: There's nothing impressive about a moat. It is frequently stagnant, and not at all a pleasant feature.

The Friendly Arms never locked its gate, and everyone was welcome inside, so the likelihood of a siege was hardly pressing.

Edwin: Then why did they raise and lower the drawbridge for each person and build a moat?
Kaylia: Because it sounds good.
Edwin: Foolish do-gooders... this is why the Red Wizards will triumph in the end.
Kaylia: Mind you, if I hadn't interfered, you'd probably be a very caustic tavern wench in the Copper Coronet about now.
Edwin: SILENCE!
Kaylia: Temper, temper, Eddy...
Edwin: I refuse to listen to this babble.

They passed over the drawbridge and made their way with no wasted time from the pillared entrance to one of the biggest buildings in the broad, open bailey.

Anomen: Pillared?

Even if Abdel had never been there before, the sound of revelry leaking into the early evening air would have told him that this was the inn proper.

Anomen: Yes, yes. We're all astounded by your powers of observation.
Minsc: Boo is impressed he knows where his own hands are.
Anomen: That made very little sense.
Minsc: Boo agrees.

It was a long walk to the high oaken door, and as they crossed the bailey they passed a group of gnome guards. The sight of the tiny fighters made Abdel smile.

Kaylia: Okay, what's with the gnome fetish?
Anomen: Do not ask questions to which you do not wish to know the answer.
Kaylia: I'm asking because the guards when I was there were all human, with greatswords and halberds. Even Abdel couldn't mistake those for gnomes.

The three guards, each no taller than two and a half feet,

Peony: Hey! I was only that short when I was a little girl! We may be short, but we aren't that short!
Kaylia: What the hell? How did you get here? I thought you were in the Icewind Dale II npc expansion mod!
Peony: I have my ways, silly. *Winks*
Irenicus: A fascinating new development... you can evidently travel through time, little girl. Some interesting experiments appear to be in order...
Peony: Whoops! *Disappears*
Edwin: Now that simply made no sense at all.

were dressed in fancy but functional ring mail. Their short swords were smaller and no doubt lighter than Abdel's dagger.

Anomen: Ah, yes. His dagger that can cleave through masterwork scimitars and decapitate men in one stroke, despite being nothing more than a plain silver dagger...

One was holding a spear from which fluttered the banner of the Friendly Arms, less heraldry than advertising.

Anomen: No comment.

The three little men nodded to Abdel and returned his smile, then turned their attention abruptly to the inn.

Kaylia: Enough with the short-people fetish already!

Abdel noticed a sudden change in the tavern sounds.

Edwin: (Tavern): There's the simian! Off with his head!
Kaylia: Don't we wish...

Montaron stopped too and held out a hand to gently block Xzar.

Minsc: But Abdel hasn't stopped...

The mage twitched away and shouted. "Stop touching me!"

Edwin: Now aren't you glad you picked me for the party's ultimate master... er, wizard, instead of Xzar?
Kaylia: Xzar was just plain nuts. You're a power-hungry idiot, too, but at least you're very predictable.
Edwin: Predictable? Hmph. You merely say that because you have no hope of taking control of this party away from me.
Kaylia: Actually, I have you wrapped around my little pinky, I think. *Bats her eyelashes at Edwin*
Edwin: Why, I ought to... dammit... whatever you say.
Anomen: My lady, you do realize I feel the need to undergo a ritual of cleansing whenever I see you do that.
Kaylia: At least it keeps you bathed on a regular basis.

"Shhh," the halfling warned as the gnome guards began moving slowly towards the inn.

Minsc: If there is trouble, you charge! Not move slowly!
Anomen: For once, we are in complete agreement, my large friend.

There were pauses in the steady sound of laughter and frivolity, that was what first alerted the guards, then came loud cheers, a crash and breaking glass followed by a loud grunt.

Edwin: Hmmm... tavern with lots of drink and lots of customers... most of them chronically dysfunctional simians... a brawl is only to be expected.
Anomen: The last time we were in a tavern brawl was YOUR fault, Edwin. Why did you have to say such things to the man carrying a greataxe...
Kaylia: Settle down. You had fun in that fight and you know it.
Anomen: Well...
Edwin: At least the tavern wenches went to me first after the fight.
Minsc: Boo wishes to remind you that that was because you took a large wooden chair across the back of the head and was unconscious on the ground.
Edwin: Yes, and if I ever find out who did that, I am going to personally shove a lightning bolt up a very sensitive portion of their anatomy...
Kaylia and Anomen: (Grin at each other, then burst into laughter)

Montaron laughed and said. "Sounds like my kind of place!"

Kaylia: For once, I agree with something Montaron says!
Anomen: My lady... oh, Helm damn it... why did I have to fall in love with you of all people...
Kaylia: Because you know you have a thing for pretty elven girls in tight leather who dual-wield swords and steal everything in sight?
Anomen: Alas, including my heart. Helm, forgive me...

The three travelling companions followed the gnome guards. Abdel stood behind the gnomes and was hit with the blast of sound

Minsc: Boo rules that 1d2 points of sonic damage.

from inside just a fraction of a second before the chair hit him in the face.

Kaylia: GOOD THROW!
Edwin: Bah. This simian appears impervious to harm and common sense.
Kaylia: I think I know now why "mind-affecting" spells won't have any effect on him.
Edwin: I am stunned by your wit, Kaylia.

Down the big sellsword went,

Anomen: Hah! Joke's on you, wizard!

never seeing the three little gnomes wade into the crowd.

Edwin: Yes, when one is falling, one seldom keeps track of three individuals.

The guards? fists were small, but when they brought them into play at their eye level, taller men dropped like sacks of flour.

Anomen: That *must* hurt...
Kaylia: There are times I am very glad I'm not a male.

Abdel, angry, bleeding from the nose, stood up, grabbed the broken chair and surveyed the dark room

Edwin: So an inn's common room is not well lit? Is there no method to this madness? (And I thought Kaylia was insane...)
Everyone in the theatre, including multiple versions of Edwin: NO!!!
Edwin: At least you monkeys are capable of a prompt response.

full of doubled over men. He gave up hope of finding the one who threw the chair, but he gave the room an icy glare all the same.

Anomen: I am in a tavern brawl. I see someone walk in and take a chair to the face. He glares. I care.
Minsc: Boo says that is more reminiscient of Edwin or Kaylia than the mighty knight he has come to know.
Anomen: I fear for my sanity.
Minsc: Minsc is unafraid.
Anomen: You would be.

Laughter started, and Abdel turned red before he realised they weren't laughing at him but at the man being carried out by the three gnomes.

Kaylia: Good Erevan Ilesere... he's more egomaniacal than Edwin or Anomen!
Anomen: I beg your pardon?
Edwin: I heard that, you pointy-eared chimpanzee.
Kaylia: Nevermind.

They were dragging the dirty, vile smelling

Kaylia: So... any male on the face of Faerun?
Minsc: Boo says Minsc smells like pretty flowers!
Everyone Else: ...

commoner more than carrying him, and the big man made a small sound every time his head bounced against the wooden planks on the floor.

Anomen: That is no way to carry an injured man!

Abdel looked at the now unconscious man with undisguised fury

Edwin: As opposed to carefully hidden fury. From my experience, adrenaline-driven simians such as the others in this section of the theatre seldom bother with subtlety when brute force works just as well.
Kaylia: Well, you can't deny that I look damn good when I'm cutting people to ribbons...

as he was dragged past. Montaron grabbed the chair when he saw Abdel jerk forward.

"Leave 'im," the halfling said. "Looks like 'e's paid in full."

Anomen: Wait... is this somehow the man who threw the chair at Abdel?
Edwin: It would appear so.
Minsc: Boo wishes to know if it would do any good to point out that it makes no sense.
Kaylia: I don't think it would, no.

Abdel stood stock still and tried to let the anger pass, but it wouldn't.

Kaylia: Abdel. You're in a bar. Go get drunk. That always works for me.
Anomen: My lady, the idea of an inebriated Slayer frightens me.
Kaylia: Anomen, I didn't have to turn into the Slayer to frighten you when I was drunk.
Anomen: Is it even possible for elves to get drunk?
Kaylia: Don't know. But if not, I can do a very convincing imitation.
Anomen: Such things are just... unseemly for a lady of your stature!
Kaylia: You never let "unseemly" things bother you before. (Winks at Anomen)
Edwin: GAH!!!

He wanted to kill someone.

Minsc: Boo wishes to eat your eyeballs, too.

Montaron was looking at him curiously.

"See?" Xzar stage-whispered.

Kaylia: HELLO, FAERUN! I THINK WE'VE ESTABLISHED HE'S A CHILD OF BHAAL BY NOW!!!

The halfling pushed the mage away and pulled gently on the chair. Abdel let him take it.

"Ye'll be needin' a drink." he said, and Abdel nodded.

Anomen: Pass the tankard around, please.
Kaylia: Am I hearing you right?
Anomen: Desperate times call for desperate measures, my lady.

A gnome woman climbed on top of the bar and called to the room. "Next one who throws a chair gets my fist in his danglies.

Edwin: Such a crude attempt at humor... was the scribe still in the process of puberty when this was written?
Kaylia: I doubt it. There hasn't been any sex yet. Pre-adolescent, it looks like.

This--" and she paused long enough to belch resoundingly-- "is a class establishment."

Minsc: That... was not funny.

A cheer followed this warning, and the crowded room fell back in the general chaos of a night at the Friendly Arms.

Kaylia: Abdel wouldn't have lasted ten minutes in the *real* world. Tarnesh would have kicked his --- all the way to Chult.
Edwin: I am astounded you even know where Chult is.
Kaylia: This from the wizard who spent more time hitting on me than he did studying his spellbook on our travels?

Irenicus: Ah... you have awoken.

Dieda: What... what in the nine hells is that?

Irenicus: Why, it is a book, child. It seems... I... underestimated the power of this tome. Perhaps a bard like you will... understand.

Imoen: It's... it's evil. I can feel it... I can...

Irenicus: Oh, and who have we here... our little poor winged elf. Oh, I forgot.

Aerie: Wh- what? N-no I haven't done anything! Let me go!

Irenicus: I think not. And this unsavoury stranger? I think I have not seen him in your... company before.

Coran: I don't know you, my poor fellow, but do not just stand there! I gather there are not many maidens in these isolated parts, but the way you stare at Dieda is scandalous!

Irenicus: What!?

Dieda: Coran, do you want me to explain your... urgent business... that kept you back at Baldur's Gate to our companions here...?

Coran: You know those er... rumours are not true, my Lady!

Dieda: *glares* No, I didn't think so.

Imoen: What... and you didn't tell me? Come on, you know I won't say a word, promise...

Irenicus: That is quite enough. You can begin reading now.

Coran: Ah, such pity... I was so enjoying the company of my lovely ladies.

Irenicus: You will accept the... gift... I offer. *begins casting*

Aerie: What is he doing?

Imoen: Probably trying to save his own hide with 'Melf's magical earplugs'.



The ale was good and after three pints of it, Abdel started to relax.

Coran: I am beginning to think we are all in need of some good ale... stories never seem quite so bad if plenty of ale is involved.
Dieda: I hope he drinks himself into a stupor.
Imoen: ... are you guys seriously telling me he was sober during the last four chapters?

He sat at the bar and kept his head down,

Dieda: Well, he has to... he's so *huge* he'd just hit his head on the beamed ceiling.
Coran: I reckon that may have happened to him a little too often in his past.
Aerie: Um... is... is he supposed to be sad now? I mean h-he was just about to kill somebody?
Imoen: Maybe Monty slipped something in his drink.

ignoring the tussle and bluster of the ever more crowded barroom.

Imoen: He's got another chair coming at his face!

He'd not spoken since he'd been hit by the chair

Dieda: And we all hope he won't be able to talk ever again.

and although his nose hadn't bled much he refused to wipe the blood away.

Coran: Oh... I get it now. Our friend is supposed to be undead.
Dieda: No blood... no brain,
Coran: and animated by stupidity!
Imoen: I think he's savouring the stinging taste of copper in his mouth again.

The big sellsword was quite a sight.

Aerie: Maybe he should look f-for work in the circus?
Dieda: No, he's probably too big for those cages.
Aerie: Now that I think about it... we... we had something like him once.
Dieda: An ogre with infantile brain damage?

He'd been rude and sullen enough that Montaron soon left his side

Imoen: Good for ya!
Coran: *yawns* Yes, our souls and hearts truly bleed with sympathy for this poor fellow.

disappearing into a crowd that naturally towered over the little halfling.

Dieda: We GET it. Abdel big big smash, Montaron widdle widdle halfling.
Aerie: I thought he... he said it was run by gnomes.
Dieda: They're too small for Abdel to see.

Xzar was easier to get rid off,

Imoen: Having to put up with Abdel, I'd think Xzar was quite eager to leave.
Coran: If I didn't know better I'd think he wants to be alone with the ladies.
Aerie: I-I'm sure s-such thoughts never entered his mind.
Coran: And you can't begin to guess how glad that makes me, pretty one.

the mage having found a dark booth, in a corner, in which to sit and mutter to himself.

Imoen: He's poking fun at you, Abdel!
Dieda: No, he's speaking to the worms in his face, convincing them to come out at night and eat Abdel.
Aerie: ...
Dieda: I'm sorry.
Aerie: T-the poor little creatures.

Abdel didn't do much thinking

Coran: We figured that much was obvious by this point.

he just sat there and drank.

Dieda: 'cause that's the manly thing to do!
Imoen: He needs to compensate for wearing that chemise.

He wasn't one for self-pity but it had been Nine Hells of a tenday.

Coran: Alas, I think he lacks the wit for a complex notion like pity.
Dieda: He still does a good job at feeling sorry for himself. Too bad we don't care.
Imoen: It's been 'Nine Hells' of a story for us too, Abdel.

The thought of leaving again in the morning with the halfling and the damnable muttering mage didn't appeal to him in the slightest.

Aerie: Hopefully he w-wont... then we can end this... this story here.
Dieda: We can always hope. I'm sure the idea doesn't exactly appeal to Monty and Xzar either.

His purse was light, though, and not getting any heavier.

Dieda: Strange... I'd half expected it to.
Coran: Being as inattentive as he is, he shouldn't have a purse left at all.
Dieda: I wouldn't want to pickpocket *him*!
Coran: I'm glad. His proximity would stain your exquisite beauty for years to come.

The trip to Nashkel, if he took it, would be a lean one.

Imoen: Maybe you should try not to waste it all on ale then, huh?
Dieda: You don't expect Abdel to make that connection?
Imoen: I'm just saying. Seems like getting drunk isn't working for him.

He'd decided to let Montaron and Xzar go on their way without him,

Aerie: Thank Baervar.
Dieda: Why do I doubt this will happen?

decided to look for some paying job at at the Friendly Arms

Imoen: Forget it. Paying jobs require you to be useful in some way.
Dieda: Perhaps some administrative sort of thing?
Imoen: No, remember how he tried to read that letter?

when he remembered why he'd come here in the first place.

Coran: That's the spirit! Bards and sages will pass down the tale of the man who remembered so vividly the events which took place days and days ago.
Dieda: Well, that was... um... unexpected.

Gorion, with his dying breath, had sent him here to look for-- and Abdel couldn't remember the names.

Dieda: Okay, he's starting to sound like Abdel again.
Imoen: Must've been a flash of genius.

"Damn it all to the Abyss." he mumbled to himself.

Imoen: ...
Dieda: ...
Dieda: Damn it. He can still talk.
Imoen: He needs to learn some new curse words, though.

"What does it matter anyway?"

Coran: A wise question for such as you.

Abdel ordered a fourth pint from the pleasantly gruff gnome woman, who was tending the bar.

Imoen: He likes her!
Coran: Ah, where love walks... have I ever told you the tale of the halfling and the ogre, sweetling?
Dieda: Um... I don't want to know.

He'd paid her every time from a dwindling supply of coppers.

Aerie: Y-yes. That's what you normally do when you're buying something. It... it's not like they will give you your ale for free... right?

"Nah," The gnome told him when he slid four copper pieces across the wet bar. "this one's for the smack on the beak."

Aerie: ...
Imoen: She likes him too! Oh, they'll make such a cute couple!
Dieda: Ew... I don't want to know why the bar is wet.
Coran: I think our author meant a wet bar instead of a bar that is wet.
Dieda: But that makes even less sense!
Coran: Exactly my point.

Abdel nodded, accepting the woman's drink,

Coran: Why, Abdel's middle name must be gratitude.
Dieda: A love potion!
Imoen: More like a potion of genius, so he'll remember how to close his mouth.

then accepting the wet rag she held out to him.

Imoen: (gnome woman) You're a wet blanket too, Abbie.
Dieda: This tale is truly brimming with poetic images.

He wiped the blood off his face and allowed himself a short laugh

Coran: Aw... the lady warmed his bitter, cold heart.
Dieda: And I thought the blood was a fashion statement.
Imoen: But only if it's fresh!
Dieda: Oh... I.... I think I see what you mean.

when he realized the gnome woman hadn't gone away but was just standing there staring at him.

Imoen: And she can't believe the horror that lay beneath that crust of blood.
Aerie: M-maybe that chair did more damage than he thought?
Dieda: It's hard to tell.

"You should put a window in that door." he said,

Coran: I have a feeling that window might have to be replaced too often to be profitable.
Dieda: It's Abdel's idea, right?

"so a guest can see what's coming before he opens it."

Imoen: And a dozen shards of glass with it!

The gnome laughed and said "I'll pass the suggestion along.",

Dieda: She sure will.
Coran: And share a good laugh with her fellow workers.

while waiting for him to finish the pint in one swallow

Dieda: A pint in one swallow... I'm sure all of us are swooning at his manliness by now.
Coran: Well, sweetling, he does have quite the big mouth, you know?
Imoen: 'waiting for him to finish in one swallow'... I wonder how long it takes for him to swallow.
Coran: He might have to remember how to do it first.

standing ready with a fifth pint. This time she took his copper.

Imoen: And another pint down!
Aerie: Oh Baervar, I'm pining away reading this, too.
Dieda: *smiling* That was brilliant, Aerie.
Aerie: W-why thank you.
Coran: So tragic... first they steal your heart, and then your money.
Dieda: Maybe he should've let her whack him with a chair again. *whack* free ale! *whack* free ale!


Imoen: Hey, I think his spell wore off.

Dieda: Will we ever find out what will happen to our hero? ... We certainly don't hope so!

Coran: I beg you, promise me to sing for us tonight, my fair one. Only your sweet voice can drive the shadows of this ghastly tale from our hearts.

Dieda: I'm... I'm not sure if I can, after being subjected to this. I don't think it can get any worse.

Irenicus: Oh, but it will, child. The chapter you read was... fortunate... indeed.

Irenicus: For now... I am quite through with you, though.

Irenicus frowned. The experiments were not going as well as he had expected. Still there was nothing to do but see this through to the end.
He turned to gauge the measure of his latest lackey.

Irenicus: Oh?.it?s you.

IronDragon: look Jon-boy I?m not thrilled to being here either. So can we just get on with it? I have a date with a demented physical therapist at ten.

Irenicus: Physical Therapist? And people call me evil. Well what experimental subjects have you brought? The requisite thinly disguised version of yourself I suppose

Hadrian: Hey. This isn?t the men?s room. What gives?

IronDragon: Just have a seat Hadrian and I?ll explain everything later.

Hadrian: Like you explained away the time you had Imoen backstab me at the end of ToB? ?Alternative universe? my oversized codpiece.

IronDragon: Look, I said I was sorry. Can?t you just let it go. Anyway JonJon I also brought Garrick.

Garrick: Remember you promised if I go along with this I don?t have to romance that drag queen Paladin in Shadows of Amn?right? And you promise to write me into a meaningful role in SoA?

IronDragon: um?yeah?sure?

Garrick: oh, oh, oh?do you think you could hook me up with Aerie. She?s a babe.

IronDragon: ewww?I mean?of course I can hook you up with Aerie. She has a thing for Bards after all.

Garrick: I am so in.

Hadrian: Sucker

IronDragon: AND?I brought along Rose Bouquet

Rose: Hey sexy. Hey! wait a minute. I told you I charge double for groups.

Irinicus: Silence woman. And sit down.

Rose: Oh hello Johnny. It?s been a while since you?ve made it down to the bridge district. Nanny has been awful lonely

Irinicus: I said sit down.

Rose: Oh I get it, doing a little role reversal here, well don?t worry, I can play along for my widdle Jon-Jon, but when were alone Nanny Rose will have a few things to say about your bad behavior.

Garrick: widdle *snicker*

Hadrian: somebody has Mommy issues

Irinicus: Will you please go, sit down and keep quiet.

IronDragon: AND finally I brought Cespenar

Cespenar: Me get to make horribly sarcastic statements now?

IronDragon: In just a minute.

Cespenar: Ohhh?plushy seats. Is this real velvet?

Irinicus: If we could begin now.

Cespenar: hey! Something mighty sticky on the floor. I?m not gonna be cleaning that up now way, no how.

Irinicus: If we could begin now.

Cespenar: am just saying?you can tell a lot about a person by how they keep house you know. hew! Are those Milk Duds

Hadrian: maybe

Irinicus: IF we could begin now.

Cespenar: better be sharing you be.

Garrick: Where did you get the milk duds?

Hadrian: like the concession stand.

Rose: I wonder if the they are going to make some fresh popcorn.

Irinicus: SILENCE?we are beginning now.

Hadrian my bad. Not mommy issues?control issues

Garrick: word




"Well met, good sir,? a richly Amnian-accented voice next to him said.
Garrick: Just the voice? No person attached to it?
Hadrian: Maybe its some kind of alcohol induced hallucination. I understand this guy drinks a lot. But then so do the people reading this.
Cespenar: Even though he is dead me often hear voice Bhaal I do. He very evil he is
Hadrian: How evil?
Cespenar: When he not speaking he play 1970?s easy listening music
Rose: That is evil.
Cespenar: Me know?is playing Captain and Tennille right now?Me wonder if love really did keep them together.


Abdel turned slightly to his right and glared at the lean Amnian that would give the man no illusions that his company was welcome.
Garrick: Well get a couple more drinks into that Amnian and maybe he would find Abdel a little more appealing.
Hadrian: I think it was the other way around.
Rose: There are some men that no amount of alcohol would make good looking.
Garrick: Like Abdel here
Rose: Yes, and Regis Philbin

The Amnian flinched at the stare.
Hadrian: I think the flinch was more the spinach leaf caught between Abdel?s teeth.


"You are Abdel," he said "Abdel Adrian"
All: Yo, Adrain
Hadrian: If you look close, you can see Abdel is wearing a ?hello my name is? badge
Garrick: If you look close, you can see Abdel misspelled his name

"Gods," Abdel breathed.
Rose: At least he is remembering to breath?that is something. Say this Amnian, would he be the assassin at the inn?
Hadrian: We can hope so.
Cespenar: Is wrong to wish assassin luck?
Garrick: Not in this instance

Was this the man Gorion had come to see?
Garrick: Gorion had much better taste in men. Don?t ask me how I know that.
Hadrian: If you had bothered to remember your father?s dying words you could be wondering that now.

"You are," The Amnian said "Where is Gorion?"
Cespenar: ohhh?assassin read ?hello my name is? badge? Very handy tool for assassins, yes it is

"Dead." Abdel said simply, then his throat caught, but he didn't cry.
Garrick: His throat is caught on something now?
Rose: I?m wishing it was a noose. But I suspect we aren?t that lucky.
Garrick: Did you cry after Gorion bit the big one?err?passed on
Hadrian: well?yes?but manly tears?you know
Rose: of course they were dear.

"Who is this Adrian?"
Rose: any idea who said that?
Garrick: the disembodied voice?
Hadrian: The lean Amnian?
Rose: Abdel?
Cespenar: Señor Wences?
Rose: I thought the disembodied voice belonged to the Amnian.
Garrick: No?that?s just what they want you to think

"You are not Abdel Adrian?" The Amnian asked.
Garrick: Five gold says he is
Rose: But we already know he is Abdel
Garrick: Yeah, but he doesn?t seem to know that


"I am Abdel, son of Gorion, but I go by no other name."
Rose: So?was that a yes?
Garrick: I told you he doesn?t know his own name
Hadrian: I guess INT was his dump stat

The Amnian's response to this was simply a puzzled stare.
Hadrian: Another one using INT as a sump stat
Garrick: No I think he is just dumbfounded by Abdel

The man was obviously a half elf. His long thin face and ears just barely too round to be called pointed would have been proof enough of that, but the bright violet of his eyes was a sure sign of elven blood.
Hadrian: What?
Cespenar: Cespenar has collected the eyes of many elves? but none of them purple
Rose: You?ve collected what?
Cespenar: ?it hobby

The human part of him was surely Amnian.
Hadrian: So which is the human part? The left side?
Garrick: It better not the be the bottom half?otherwise it means this guy isn?t wearing pants.

He had a large, long nose and dusky olive skin. He was dressed as if for battle,
Hadrian: Here was have Felix sporting this springs latest look in armor. Weather it?s splitting the heads of infidels or having it out in the boardroom nothing says power and confidence like full plate mail.
Garrick: *sings* I?m a model. Yeah I?m a model and I do a little turn on the catwalk

in dented armour he was obviously uncomfortable in.
Rose: makes you wonder where the dents are
Hadrian: and why he doesn?t have them hammered out

He was wearing a helmet which, considering the surroundings, seemed a wise idea.
Rose: But?they are inside a Tavern
Garrick: The Friendly Arm inn
Cespenar: Guess it not very friendly

His lips curled and twitched. He was nervous.
Hadrian: Maybe he just caught a whiff of you and that was a snear.

"You have come here to meet me though," the Amnian said "I am Khalid."
Rose: Oh darn?he isn?t the assassin
All: Awww!
Garrick: Khalid wears dented armor?
Hadrian: I thought Khalid was from Calimshan
Garrick: I vividly remember Khalid having a pronounced speech impediment
Rose: I have a shinny gold piece to anyone willing to be the assassin at the Friendly Arm Inn
Cespenar: Cespenar take you up on that
Rose: Abdel is a big experienced fighter and you?re a ? something.
Cespenar: Me butler. But he also drunk and stupid?which sort of balances things out

That was it. Khalid ? the last word his father spoke
Garrick: I thought it was rosebud
Cespenar: Rosebud
Garrick: Andre
Rose: With mustard

as his life drained away from his punctured eye,
Hadrian: just his eye?
Cespenar: his eye have life of its own?
Garrick: Your father was a beholder?
Hadrian: No but that would explain why everyone around Candlekeep called him ?blinky?

then Abdel remembered that there was another.
Garrick: Did we already use the INT was his dump stat joke?
Hadrian: Yeah, we did.
Garrick: It?s going to be a long chapter

"Jah," he said "I was to meet, Khalid and Jah."
Hadrian: I can?t remember how many times I told Gorion to enunciate?.but no?he was always talking with his mouth full
Rose: Well what do you expect, clear diction with the life was draining from his eye?

"Jaheira, yes," Khalid said, grinning ear to ear, but still nervous.
Garrick: Good job Abdel?next we will be working on our shapes and colors. Can you tell me what color this blue triangle is?
Hadrian: ?uhhh
Garrick: Go ahead?I know you know it
Hadrian: bl?.blu?purple!

"She is my wife. She is here."
Rose: Something tells me Jaheira crawled out through the window of the ladies room some time ago.
Garrick: Impossible, that window is too small?don?t ask me how I know that

The Amnian turned instinctively towards a table on the other side of the room, but the crowd blocked his view.
Rose: So?Amnians instinctively look towards crowds?
Garrick: I think the instinct would be to turn away from the stupid smelly fighter with the ?Hello my name is? badge.


"Come," he said. "Sit with us,
Rose: After all that you are still willing to invite him to join you?
Hadrian: I?m sure its safe. The man couldn?t remember his father?s dying words much less his own name. So what are the chances he will remember the invitation?

and tell us what befell your father.
Garrick: Um hello? The man couldn?t remember his father?s dying words much less his own name.

He was a great man, a hero in his own way. He will be missed."
Cespenar: Not missed by that big sword thou?found him real easy it did


"What do you know of it?" Abdel asked, bile suddenly rising to the back of his throat.
Hadrian: any clue what Ab-dul is upset about?
Rose: its Abdel sweetie
Hadrian: any clue what Abdel is upset about?

His voice was full of menace.
Cespenar: Thought I was full of bile
Garrick: Dennis the Menace?

"What was he to you?"
Rose: I bet they thought he was important enough to remember his last words.

Khalid stared at Abdel as if the sellswod had suddnely changed into a cobra.
Garrick : A cobra would be an improvement.

He was scared of Abdel, and he wasn't able to hide it.
Cespenar: He big bully just like Bhall
Rose: He?s overcompensating for a ?shortcoming. I see it ALL the time in my line of work

He was scared of Abdel, and he wasn't able to hide it. "He was a friend." Khalid answered, "that is all. I mean no disrespect."
Hadrian I don?t get why this moron is intimidating
Garrick: it?s a projection of the author?s own insecurities. The author realizes that he cannot actually write or become the author he always dreamed of so he sublimates his own fears and projects the idealized self into the main character. Therefore, when Abdel intimidates another character the author is re interpreting his own encounters with dominant personalities that left him humiliated and submissive and he is now re-casting himself as the dominant personality. Notice he does this rather than engage in healthy self-evaluation of his own lackluster talent.
Hadrian:?
Cespenar:?
Rose:?
Garrick: What? I?m a bard. We breath that kind of stuff. The worst is yet to come.
Hadrian: Meaning?
Garrick the author will have to demonstrate to us that he is not sexually inadequate either.
Rose: you mean.
Garrick: yeah Abdel will be showing his sexual prowess by bumping ugly with some swooning young and busty babe real soon.
Hadrian: ewwww

Abdel wanted to say something rude to the Amnian, but he couldn't.
Hadrian: nothing stopped him before

Instead he fished in his pouch for
Garrick: I said with a babe?show his sexual prowess with a BABE!

money for a sixth pint of ale.
Hadrian: Hello my name is Ab-dul and I?m an alcoholic

He came out with only three coppers.
Garrick: I?m surprised he could count to three

"Bhaal!? he cursed loudly,
Rose: well at least his vocabulary is improving
Cespenar: he curses by saying ?Bhaal??
Garrick: It?s called foreshadowing. A common literary technique used to highlight tension and hint at future events.

stood and threw the coppers into the crowd.
Cespenar: now understand why people wearing helmets in bar.
Garrick: and I guess this is the future event being foreshadowed.
Rose: are you sure?
Garrick: its about as good as this author is going to get.

A drunk somewhere muttered something mildly offensive after having been clipped on the temple by one of the hard thrown copper coins.
Hadrian: only mildly?

Abdel shot to attention,
Garrick: I said with a babe?show his sexual prowess with a BABE!
Hadrian: maybe the drunk is a babe.
Garrick: no the babe would have to be a virgin beauty queen. Or at least claim to be
Rose: Not enough money in the world

and more than one man, even innocent ones, scurried off to darker coins.
Cespenar: darker coins worth more?

Sweat broke out visibly on Khalid's upper lip.
Garrick: well helmets are warm.

"Gods." The Amnian said. "What did he tell you?" Abdel looked down at the Amnian but said nothing.
Rose: the injured drunk or Gorion?
Hadrian: as if he could remember

"I will be happy to buy you a drink." Khalid said.
Rose: take him up on it honey. Someone like you should NOT be holding out for a better deal
Garrick: Babe!...Khalid does not count as a babe.

"Please, come with me. We don't want any more attention do we?"
Hadrian: yeah, there may be one or two people way in the back who haven?t noticed Ab-dul yet
Rose: its Abdel not? well maybe it should be Ab-dul

Abdel grunted
Garrick: you can tell form this guys vocabulary that he was raised by sages in the biggest library on the planet
Cespenar: Gorion proud papa yes he is.

and let himself be led through the crowd.
Rose: how sweet. I bet he wants someone to hold his hand when he crosses the street too

He caught sight of Montaron for only the briefest of moments. The halfling was holding a silk purse, and Abdel was sure the little man winked at him.
Hadrian: ya know?I always wondered about Montaron
Garrick: oh Gods?please let there be a babe soon.

Abdel took a couple of deep breaths to try to calm himself
Garrick: that wink from Montaron got him worked up it seems
Cespenar: young love. How sweet.
Garrick: a real living female?a babe?please

and when Khalid said "Here she is," Abdel looked up and his breath caught.
Rose: he forget to breath again?

Jaheira was beautiful.
Garrick: oh Gods NO!...I didn?t mean it. lets get Montaron back! Please!
Hadrian: I have a note here from Jaheira about this part?.hmm? it seems she would rather do the nasty with?and I am quoting here??a deformed orc with a social disease?
Rose: you have to admit, a deformed orc would be a definite step up.

Half-elf like her mate, she too must have had a human parent from The two looked oddly alike, but both the elf side and the human side favoured Jaheira the more.
Cespenar: So Abdel must think Khalid very pretty too.
Rose: either that or Jaheira has a big nose and a trembling and sweaty upper lip.
Garrick: maybe that is what Abdel finds sexy.
Hadrian: For the record and just so Jaheira understands - I had no part in this conversation.

Her face was wide and dark, her lips full and her eyes bright ? nearly the same violet as Khalid's
Rose: I thought she looked like Khalid.

and they sparkled with intelligence.
Cespenar: sparkles just reflections form Khalid?s helmet

Her face was framed in thick hair that might have been black if she were all human, but her elf blood highlighted it with fiery streaks of copper.
Hadrian: since when does copper burn?

Even though she sat, Abdel could tell she was strong of build, rugged even.
Cespenar: tee hee Jaheira pumping weights

She wore a bodice of hardened leather that was scratched from what might have been blade strikes. She was armoured.
Rose: so it enhances her figure and keeps knife wielding maniacs at bay - handy
Hadrian: I don?t think it working on keeping Abdel at bay
Garrick: and is offering no protection form Abdel?s drool

When her eyes caught his, he saw rather than heard her gasp.
Hadrian: No doubt in shock and disgust. But Abdel will take as a sign she thinks he?s hot.
Garrick: of course he will?sexually inadequate author?remember.

Abdel sat without looking at the chair. He couldn't pull his eyes away from hers, and she did nothing to discourage him.
Hadrain: I?ve got another note form Jaheira. Its tough to make out but she seems to be saying she would rather be the plaything of the entire Amnian army. Then there is something about castrating the author?


Her full lips twitched like her husband's. She was nervous too,
Cespenar: what is with the twitchy lips?

and though Abdel would never come between a husband and his wife,
Rose: yeah so you knock the husband off right?
Garrick: hey weddings and funerals are the best places to pick up babes?err?or so I?ve heard
Rose: You?re a virgin aren?t you?
Garrick: Hey! I?ve had sex lots of times
Hadrian: It doesn?t count if you are alone.
Garrick: Sex with women, I?ll have you know.
Cespenar: Human women?
Garrick: YES!...mostly?

he couldn't help but hoping that she was nervous for different reasons than Khalid was.
Hadrian: she?s afraid Khalid invited you to join them.
Cespenar: Cespenar would be afraid of that, indeed.
Rose: she is afraid she is wearing a big sign that says ?Babe? on it.
Hadrian: She would be safe then Ab-dul can?t read

"Why was I sent here?" Abdel asked them both, though he continued to look at Jaheira.
Rose: is that some kind of philosophical question?

"My father didn't live to tell me."
Hadrian: how can you be sure of that? It could have been part of those all-important dying words

"How did Gorion die?? Jaheira asked.
Garrick: horribly.
Rose: but he was the lucky one there. He didn?t have to sit through this.

"Sellswords," Abdel said "like me.
Cespenar: Fell on a sword? Him very clumsy then.
Rose: ?Sellswords? dear. Like a mercenary.
Cespenar: him fall on mercenaries? Really clumsy?or maybe him pushed

We were ambushed on the way to the Lion. I killed the men who attacked us but not soon enough."
Hadrian: I thought Sarevok did the killing.

"There are forces that didn't want us to meet," Khalid said
Cespenar: those are forces I support. But what forces were they?
Rose: Literate people, mostly

"Gorion knew that. It was..." The Amnian hesitated, and Abdel thought he might be lying, "it was why Gorion wanted you to come with him to meet us."
All: Huh?
Garrick: did anyone understand that?
Hadrian: I think the writer was trying to build up some kind of tension here. He failed of course

"My father was a monk," Abdel said, "A priest, a man of letters and such.
Hadrian: no he wasn?t, he was a sage. monks are religious asthetics that live in solitude.
Garrick: no way. they are kick-ass ninja type dudes

What could he have been caught up in that would set such forces against him? What are you people about?" Abdel was growing angry again.
Rose: oh please, stop this roller coater of emotion. One minute angry the next minute?well angry and they back to um?angry again.

He hadn't been able to blame the mercenaries for Gorion's death.
Garrick: he just did blame them ?sellswords like me?
Cespenar: maybe we get lucky and he blame himself and then decide to kill himself in revenge.
Hadrian: well he?s dumb enough to do that enough for that

Those men were just doing what he himself had done all his adult life.
Rose: Smell of alcohol?
Hadrian: refuse to use to articulate full sentences?
Cespenar: make everyone wish you were far far away?
Garrick: Make the prose of Danielle Steele look like Shakespeare?

Someone had paid them, and it took real money to hire five experienced killers for a wilderness ambush
Hadrian: no?when they found out the target was you they volunteered their services.

"There are... forces," Jaheira said, her voice barely audible in the crowded room "who want to bring war."
Rose: Bring it what?
Cespenar: presents!
Garrick: why is Jaheira speaking like a forgettable actress in a B movie?oh?yeah?

"So what else is new?" He asked sarcastically.
Hadrian: to be sarcastic one has to have some sense of what is going on around you

"I've made a living from one 'force' or another wanting war. It's what people do."
Cespenar: War! Good God! what is it good for?
Rose: Love is a battlefield
Garrick: Everybody wants to rule the world
Hadrian: Stop in the name of love

Jaheira was sincerely confused by his last statement, but when she turned a questioning gaze on her husband,
Hadrian: yeah, well the confused people line starts back there.



Abdel knew she was asking something else,
Hadrian: The way out of here?
Rose: No we are all asking that

something more important and more frightening to her.
Garrick will this story go on?
Cespenar: that frightens everybody

Khalid nodded, and Jaheira turned back to Abdel.
Cespenar: He is agreeing that it was Abdel who cut the cheese

"This is different." She said, her voice even quieter; and Abdel had to strain to hear her. "This is your bro-"
Cespenar: and he ain?t heavy, he?s my brother
Garrick: No its not?it a manzier


IronDragon: Will Jaheira find out why a stranger is impersonating her husband?
Will the stranger impersonating Khalid get his pants back?
Will Abdel finally remember his dying father?s last words?
And what about that saucy gnome waitress?
All these questions and more will be answered on the next episode of Soap

Irenicus: New test subjects? Excellent.

Linjo: (absent-mindedly) Pleased to meet you.

Imoen: Um, sis? You shouldn't be.

Linjo: Oh! Didn't notice it was Irenicus. Um, okay, I'm not pleased at all.

Choo Choo: Right, this is Linjo, resident Bhaalspawn and elven wild mage.

Emmeline: NO! I.. I refuse to be at this abomination's mercy!

Choo Choo: It's not like you have a choice, dear.

Emmeline: But he tried to kill me and all of my people and my best friends and the Tree of Life and--

Jan: You know, this reminds me of the time when--

Emmeline: By the Seldarine, no!

Jan: Didn't your mother teach you manners, Emmy? Well, my uncle Dannor decided to go adventuring a few years ago, since the sales on turnips had been really bad that year due to auntie Agatha accidently breeding a colony of snails in our cultivation, so he got equipped and set out on the road to look for money, or even better, new turnip plants. Well, he wasn't that lucky, as you might imagine, since he accidently stumbled across a portal to Baator and ran into a couple of twenty-foot tall demons. Uncle Dannor figured they weren't friendly, so he did what any sane gnome would have done in a situation which is almost more horrifying than having your entire turnip business eaten by malevolent slugs that were placed there by a slightly insane great-auntie..

Emmeline: (groan)

Linjo: Hm-hm.. slugs? Oh! Slugs. I tried to grow strawberries back in Candlekeep. Eaten by snails, they were, too. I feel for the loss of your family, Jan.

Imoen: What did he do, Jan?

Jan: The same thing that we should be doing.

Emmeline: Jan, I'll probably regret this question for weeks, but what, exactly, should we be doing?

Jan: Run.

Emmeline: Ah.

Irenicus: You cannot escape until I am done with you. Let us begin with the.. experiments.

A glass bottle disintegrated against the back of Abdel's head,

Linjo: Aww. Poor bottle.

and Jaheira had to flinch away from the shards of glass.

Imoen: Ya know, if I was her, I wouldn't be standin' that close to Abdel in th' first place.

Abdel ddin't bother to wipe the residual wine off the back of his head or pick the glass from his black hair.

Jan: You know, this is just like the time when--
Everyone else: NO.

He stood up and turned, and the crowd parted as if they were puppets attached to his joints.

Emmeline: Um, if he were turning and they were attatched to him in strings, they wouldn't be PARTING, they'd be spiralling around him..
Linjo: You know, I actually did that once.
Emmeline: Um, spin around him, or attatch people to your joints?
Linjo: No.. I turned around.
Emmeline: (sigh) Figures you'd say THAT.

At the door, a far throw away, was the man who'd been dragged out by three gnome guards.

Imoen: The.. the intensity!
Emmeline: The excitement!
Imoen: The tension!
Linjo: The time I accidently turned my boyfriend into a squirrel?
Emmeline: No. It's.. it's..

The chair thrower.

All: (collapse laughing)

The big stinky man was so drunk he could hardly stand.

Emmeline: Just like everyone else in this dreadful story.

Abdel stared hard at him, and the world around him seemed to slip away into blurred, echoing inconsequence.

Imoen: That's what happens when ya drink too much, folks..

Abdel only heard the drunk who said bluntly, "What."

Jan: Well, girls, this story reminds me of a strange illness that befell a village in Icewind Dale a couple of years back - since they lived in such a cold climate, they could barely grow any vegetables at all, and everyone know that if you don't eat any turnips your brains shrink, and suddenly one day they all woke up with their vocabulary reduced to but one word at a time. Of course, something similar happened to my--
Emmeline: ENOUGH.

The sellsword's dagger flashed across the room like a sliver from a lightning bolt, and Abdel's blood rushed through his head

Linjo: As opposed to its previous emptiness, I take it?

at the heavy thunk of the wide silver blade

Emmeline: Heavy? Wide? Blade? Wasn't it a dagger?

burying itself in the drunk's chest. The force of it knocked the man over,

Emmeline: I repeat - wasn't it a DAGGER?

and though he twitched once, then a second time, he was dead before his head hit the floor.

Imoen: Once.. twice.. aww, no thrice? Come on!

Abdel smiled

All: (hides)

and let the ecstacy of the kill

Imoen: Ya know, this guy's more bloodthirsty than your attitude towards dwarves, Emmy.
Emmeline: At least the filthy creatures *deserve* my ire..

wash away the anger and tunnel vision.

Linjo: Is it just me or did he just kill a guy who throwed a chair at him?
Imoen: (grin) Observant as always, Lin.

When he came out fo whatever trance it was he found himself in,

Emmeline: Did he regain his brain? DID HE?!

it was as if the inn had plunged into pandemonium.

Emmeline: Nope, doesn't seem like it.. (sigh)

Khalid pushed him from behind

Imoen: Eww, I'd rather not.. think of the ways that can be misinterpreted.

and said something like "What have you done."

Linjo: Um, I remember Khalid very well, and I know he wasn't stupid.

Inn patrons scattered, and serving wenches dropped their trays, splattering ale and wine over the fleeing or stunned revelers.

Jan: You know, something like that happened at the Copper Coronet once--
Everyone else: JAN, PLEASE, DON'T!!


Strangely, the serving girls advanced on Abdel, and he thought for a moment that it might be true what they said- that the serving girls really were golems in disguise. Abdel smiled broader still. He didn't care.

Emmeline: Abdel, you revolting N'Tel'Quess, if you had ever seen your hometown being ripped apart by adamantite golems.. you would.

"Wait!" called a familiar voice.

Imoen: Yep, one syllable, and no one's surprised..
Jan: Did I tell you girls of the village up in Icewind--
Emmeline: Yes you did, Jan. Yes you did.

The gnome woman at the bar let out a shrill whistle, and the serving girls stopped.

Linjo: Kind of like trained dogs. Perhaps that's what they were? (ponder)
Imoen: Sis, now you're scaring me.
Linjo: Hell, we wouldn't know, would we? Remember that kid south of Nashkel, with the dog?
Emmeline and Imoen: (shudder) Thanks for reminding us, Lin.
Linjo: Mhm.. hm.. oh, you're welcome.. m-hm..

Even Abdel paused as he want for the sword on his back.

Emmeline: Such admirable restraint.

The voice had been Montaron's.

Linjo: I remember him. The little halfling, right? Do you remember him, Imoen? Him, and Xzar?
Imoen: Um, yeah, tho' I try not to.

"Thief!" The halfling called again.

Linjo: (sigh) One--
Imoen: Syllable. Yes.

Montaron was kneeling over the body of the drunk and producing one purse after another from teh dead man's pants.

Emmeline: From the pockets or from.. the pants? If it's the former, the guy probably had very large pockets, and if it's from the latter.. (turns a very vivid shade of green)

"He must have been picking pockets all ni- here's mine!" Montaron said, his voice loud enough for the room to hear.

Imoen: He must've been a pretty damn bad thief if he didn't notice someone pickpocketing him!
Emmeline: *nods in agreement*

"Fortunate for you." Khalid whispered to a still uncaring Abdel. "it would have been murder otherwise."

Jan: Actually, my cousin Eddo did something similar once, but since he's very smart, if somewhat sinister, he let the judge taste some of the finest Jansen turnip wine before trial, and it all ended with them apologizing to him for disturbing him while he was 'frolicking in the daisies', as it were.
Imoen: That's hilarious, Jan!
Linjo: Turnip wine? I never tried that.
Emmeline: Lin, er, let's stick to Elverquisst..

Gooseflesh whispered up the backs of Abdel's arms at the sound of that word: murder.

Imoen: Bet he thought he was frolicking in the daisies.
Emmeline: Be he didn't think anything at all.

He shook his head and approached the halfling. Khalid and Jaheira following closely.

"We'd better be goin'." Montaron said when Abdel was close enough that only he could hear the halfling's whisper.

Linjo: No, they should stay and get killed by the guards to put an end to this miserable story.

"Aye," Abdel said "My dagger."

Montaron smiled weakly and handed the wide-bladed knife

Imoen: Montaron, smile weakly?
Linjo: Montaron, smile at all?
Emmeline: Montaron, willingly giving someone else a weapon instead of clinging to it like a teddybear?
Jan: Which reminds me of--
The others: NO!!

to Abdel. no blood dripped from it, though Abdel didn't even remember seeing montaron pull it out of the man's chest, let alone wipe the bood away.

Linjo: (snort) No wonder, when he didn't even remember Father's last words! Even *I* recall his last words to me!
Imoen: Which is nothing short of a miracle, either.. (mutter)

even drunk,

Emmeline: Hardly needs mentioning, since it's his default state.

reeling from the kill,

Linjo: By the time I and Immy reached the Friendly Arm, we were used to killing stuff.. mostly gibberlings, but still!
Imoen: And those bandits, remember th' bandits?
Linjo: Oooh, yeah, when-- oh. (blush)
Imoen: Yep, your magic missile backfired and ya summoned a nabassu instead.
Linjo: Well.. well.. (sigh)

Abdel admired Montaron's finesse.

Imoen: And backside.
Emmeline: Immy!!

the sellsword was only barely sober enough to realize he wouldn't find work here now, even if the drunk was a thief and he'd thrown his last three copper to the crowd.

Linjo: Oh, yes, that's right. The best thing to do when you're broke - throw your last coins away.

"Nashkel?" Abdel asked.

Emmeline: No, the amazing Oompa Doompa land on the other side of the multiverse.

"Yes" Khalid said; his voice edged with incredulity, "yes Nashkel. Gorion knew that was where we were planning to go?"

Linjo: Hm? Jaheira and Khalid didn't tell him straight away, right? That's weird, they did with me, instead of speaking about my brother.

Abdel turned to look down at the Amnian,

Emmeline: By the Seldarine, he was from CALIMSHAN!

then to the halfling who was regaring Khalid with a face like a stone mask. Khlid returned the stare with a questioning glance.

Imoen: Stern's the last word I'd use for Monty..

Xzar came out of nowhere and said "five, then? Who are they, those two?"

Linjo: Necromancer.
Emmeline: A-a perverter of death.
Both: *proceed to kill him*
Choo Choo: Now now, ladies. You're in a cage, remember?
Both: Aww..

inn patrons started making advances toward the purses now displayed against the bloody chest of the dead drunk,

Jan: Have you ever--
Imoen: (promptly puts a muzzle on him)
Emmeline: Sometimes I love you, Immy.
Imoen: (grin) I know.
Linjo: Imoen, you're the best sister I've ever had.
Imoen: Aww, th-- wait. I'm the ONLY sister you've ever had! Well, except for the rest of our siblings..

and Abdel let himself be both pulled and pushed out of the inn.

Emmeline: See? No drive at all.
Jan: Mmf mffm mhmfm mmhmfm.

He smiled, though he wanted to cry.

Imoen: Aww, poor widdle baaaaaaaaby..

For his sins, he would let himself be pulled and pushed all the way to Nashkel

Emmeline: I've seen golems with more initiative!
Linjo: And an imp and a beholder with less..
Imoen: Hey, girls? And Jan? I think we're free for now.
Irenicus: Indeed.. for now.

Edited by Choo Choo, 01 September 2007 - 03:10 PM.