well well, very interesting. I liked the start; descriptive, set out your character etc.
i didn't think he was a paladin by the description though, maybe some kind of rogue but if that's the effect you were going for, fair dos.
I thought your characterisation of Yoshimo was pretty good but didn't contain the subtle nuances of the canon. when you were describing his allies, you kinda pounded it in with a sledgehammer, which contrasted with the tranquility of the rest of the piece.
There were no real personality traits shown by your PC but again, that might have been the effect you were going for.
The only real issue i have is you slipped from 3rd person to 1st person perspectives in your writing and that tends to be a big nono in the literary department unless its used for specific effect.
Very promising though.
Comments on "About a young paladin"
Started by Thrain, Aug 21 2004 12:18 PM
4 replies to this topic
#2
Lady LeFay
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- Member
- 320 posts
The Resident Perverted Freak
Posted 21 August 2004 - 12:25 PM
Thanks.
I'll go back and edit, I was kind of doing it fast and dirty. Yoshimo is pretty difficult for me to grasp in writing.
I'll go back and edit, I was kind of doing it fast and dirty. Yoshimo is pretty difficult for me to grasp in writing.
"This Rod will be your doom!" -- Kilik.
"Do you know how much that turns me on, Ki?"
"Maxi! I'm trying to be serious here!" -- Maxi and Kilik
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Oscar Wilde
And alien tears will fill for him Pity's long-broken urn, For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn.
Dante Romancable Mod: 'Tis a courtly love of a different sort
"Do you know how much that turns me on, Ki?"
"Maxi! I'm trying to be serious here!" -- Maxi and Kilik
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Oscar Wilde
And alien tears will fill for him Pity's long-broken urn, For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn.
Dante Romancable Mod: 'Tis a courtly love of a different sort
#3
Lady LeFay
-
- Member
- 320 posts
The Resident Perverted Freak
Posted 21 August 2004 - 09:44 PM
And I tweaked it -- does it help?
"This Rod will be your doom!" -- Kilik.
"Do you know how much that turns me on, Ki?"
"Maxi! I'm trying to be serious here!" -- Maxi and Kilik
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Oscar Wilde
And alien tears will fill for him Pity's long-broken urn, For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn.
Dante Romancable Mod: 'Tis a courtly love of a different sort
"Do you know how much that turns me on, Ki?"
"Maxi! I'm trying to be serious here!" -- Maxi and Kilik
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Oscar Wilde
And alien tears will fill for him Pity's long-broken urn, For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn.
Dante Romancable Mod: 'Tis a courtly love of a different sort
#4
Thrain
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- Member
- 56 posts
Posted 22 August 2004 - 05:04 AM
better. still don't like this bit though
Unconsciously braided the flaxen locks, the Paladin gave silent prayer to Lathander as he did so. Finally, just a morning without some desperate pitch-battle to precede it, and with no plans to engage in conflict… When was the last name the youth had a moment such as this?
Peaceful.
Calm.
A tranquil unspoiled— huh… what… what was that shadow?
just doesn't scan for me
Unconsciously braided the flaxen locks, the Paladin gave silent prayer to Lathander as he did so. Finally, just a morning without some desperate pitch-battle to precede it, and with no plans to engage in conflict… When was the last name the youth had a moment such as this?
Peaceful.
Calm.
A tranquil unspoiled— huh… what… what was that shadow?
just doesn't scan for me
#5
Lady LeFay
-
- Member
- 320 posts
The Resident Perverted Freak
Posted 22 August 2004 - 04:34 PM
a bit more adjustment... hope it's more chorent
"This Rod will be your doom!" -- Kilik.
"Do you know how much that turns me on, Ki?"
"Maxi! I'm trying to be serious here!" -- Maxi and Kilik
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Oscar Wilde
And alien tears will fill for him Pity's long-broken urn, For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn.
Dante Romancable Mod: 'Tis a courtly love of a different sort
"Do you know how much that turns me on, Ki?"
"Maxi! I'm trying to be serious here!" -- Maxi and Kilik
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Oscar Wilde
And alien tears will fill for him Pity's long-broken urn, For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn.
Dante Romancable Mod: 'Tis a courtly love of a different sort
