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#1 Jolyth

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Posted 25 January 2005 - 06:14 AM

So I get to the end and can't help but snicker at the way Anni got a good shot in at Edwin! :P

Interesting story. They have some sort of love/hate, hate/hate thing going there huh? I'm looking forward to seeing where you will take this.

Now, if I may nitpick a little. :) While a good read, some parts appear to be a bit disjointed. Almost as if you have two or three things you are trying to say and you are cramming them into one paragraph. Some thoughts are not finished before you start a new one, and it jars the picture in my mind and forces me to create a new one. (Am I making any sense? Didn't think so! ;) ) Here's a few examples.

Anyhow Imoen helped me escaped and we found Jaheira and Minsc in Irenicus' dungeon. Oh, the man's name is Jon Irenicus. Why does he want me to have my power I do not know, nor do I care. I *will* pay him back for the damage he has done, but some days I just don?t know if I will be able to handle killing more people. Though it haunts my mind what I want to do to him. I won?t tell you, I doubt you would like it.

It was this man who kill Khalid. Poor Khalid, I cared for him like a brother. It was always fun to walk up behind him and go "Boo!" and watch him jump. My friends had come looking for me, and I bring everyone so much pain. We escaped Irenicus' dungeon and we found ourselves in Athkatla and Imoen used magic against Irenicus and some fools called the Cowled Wizards took them both away!


You start off the sentence with a reference to Irenicus that is left over from the previous paragraph. Although you mention the killing of Khalid, the sentence is about Irenicus. Then you switch to Khalid for two sentences, then over to Anni, then the escape from the dungeon. In this case, I would start a new paragraph with each new topic, making certain there is a connecting sentence from the previous paragraph.

So...If I may be so bold...

Anyhow, Imoen helped me escaped and we found Jaheira and Minsc in Irenicus' dungeon.

Oh! Did I mention that the man's name is Jon Irenicus? Why he wants me to have my power I do not know, nor do I care. All I know is that I *will* pay him back for the damage he has done!

But, oh Father! Some days I just don?t know if I will be able to handle killing more people! Even though it haunts my mind what I want to do to him.

I won?t tell you, I doubt you would like it.

I mentioned earlier about losing Khalid? Well, it was this man who kill him. Poor Khalid, I cared for him like a brother. It was always fun to walk up behind him and go "Boo!" and watch him jump. He never got angry at me when I did it either. He would just turn and scold me for being a scamp, but you could see the affection in his eyes when he did it.

He was with the others when they came looking for me, but he never made it out again.

I bring everyone so much pain. (honestly, I would remove this sentence. It belongs elsewhere)

When we finally escaped Irenicus' dungeon, we found ourselves in Athkatla. It was there that, in an effort to stop Irenicus Imoen used magic against him, which caused a large amount of destruction in a portion of the city.

It was then that some fools called the Cowled Wizards showed up andtook them both away!

The stuff in bold are just my suggestions and you can tell me you hate them if you like. :P Either way, I really do hope to see more of this story in the near future.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOOHOO! What a Ride!

Some people are like slinkies. They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs!!

Dyslexia of Borg: Your ass will be laminated

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#2 SaintZenn

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Posted 25 January 2005 - 10:25 AM

I don't mind being picked at. ::hides torch behind back:: Nay no. Anyhow... I wanted the letter to be as disjointed as possible to show how Anni thinks. To give everyone a clue to how she thinks.
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Mme. Thenardier:
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
Master of the house? Isn't worth me spit!
`Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong sh*t!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!

#3 Erephine

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Posted 25 January 2005 - 05:22 PM

Generally an interesting read so far. :)

If anything, Edwin seemed a bit too "lovley" in the latest piece. ;)

Style is okay (could use a little work here and there); there's a few typoes in it (as in "It was this man who kill[ed] Khalid.").

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#4 Erephine

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Posted 27 January 2005 - 07:26 AM

Whoa, that's what I call fast progress.

While I generally like the new chapters, it seems grammar and style are going downhill (proportionally to the increase in posting speed). Refine the style, and proofread it, even if it means going at a slower pace. Go through a chapter once or twice before posting it.

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#5 Jolyth

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Posted 28 January 2005 - 06:46 AM

I agree with Lightspeed's suggestion. :) If you need help with the proofreading, just let me know.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOOHOO! What a Ride!

Some people are like slinkies. They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs!!

Dyslexia of Borg: Your ass will be laminated

Solaufein Flirt Pack

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#6 Celestine

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Posted 01 February 2005 - 01:25 AM

I'm not a native english speaker, so I didn't catch any grammar mistake. I was absorded in the story development though.

One question, is this going to an Edwin romance story, coz at this moment, I think there's a stuggle between the 2 guys but who will win? Is it going to be Edwin. Pray tell.

#7 SaintZenn

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Posted 02 February 2005 - 05:28 PM

Now if I told who Anni was going to end up with you wouldn't read it :D

I did go back and look at my writing and I can't believe how many damn mistakes I have.
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Mme. Thenardier:
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
Master of the house? Isn't worth me spit!
`Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong sh*t!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!

#8 Erephine

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Posted 10 February 2005 - 08:32 AM

Grammar, spelling, and style. A thorough proof-reading would certainly help this story (I'm kind of picky when it comes to that-- sorry :lol: )

But other than that I really like the latest addition. Best chapter so far, if I may say so. :)

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#9 Celestine

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 12:35 AM

eeks, Anni's going to change to a blood-thirsty demon. hehe just kidding but the end of the chapter hints of a new sinister twist. BtwI caught some more errors I missed the first time. sorry about that.

Minsc walked over to the sleep wizard and lifted him over his shoulder carry him like a sack of grain.

sleeping wizard, right?

"Good evening Edwin, have a nice sleep?"

"Good evening Edwin, had a nice sleep?" I think. I'm not too confident of my own grammar but I think it's 'had' rather than 'have'.

"I'm not getting in this fight with you. I'm telling you right now, after we get that scroll you are going to let me see it and you will not cast whatever it is without being there to heal you when you blow yourself up."

whatever it is without *me* being there to heal you... or maybe *Jaheria* being there to heal...

He must be a real patient man not to strangle you or worse."

He must be a real patience* man not to strangle you or worse." Not sure about this one but I think its patience. Patient is the person who's sick isn't it?

#10 Erephine

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 07:27 AM

Patient is correct, it's the adjective of patience.

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#11 celticrose

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Posted 21 February 2005 - 12:43 AM

No critizisims (spelling?) yet, just pure encouragement :hug:
Love the story so far. . . it's very enjoyable, easily caught up in the characters. I look forward to future chapters!!!! :rolleyes:

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#12 Celestine

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Posted 21 February 2005 - 08:28 PM

nice flashback. the idea of ripping Sarevok's heart out sounds just like what Bhaal will do to someone.

#13 Deathsangel

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Posted 03 March 2005 - 04:34 AM

Read Sarrey & Anna. It was beautiful. Never thought Sarevok to be a 'real' brother of the main character of BG. Some nice twists, perhaps not totally accurate with game rules (7 party members, Khalid, Jaheira, Minsc, Dynaheir, Edwin and Anni), but for the story it is perfect. Though I more or less had expected that Imoen would save Anna of the children and that Sarevok would just have watched, but it did not matter as I just read on and on. When I get the time I will read your "Misery & Happiness" besides Lightspeed his story.

[edit] Just read all. It is very good, with exciting and fun moments. It makes the Edwin romance believable for me. It seems Anomen has lost in my eyes.

Edited by Deathsangel, 04 March 2005 - 02:36 AM.

Still modding the Mod for the Wicked... It is a big project you know... And I got sidetracked (several times) a bit... sorry.
However, as we all know, Evil never really sleeps.


Sentences marking (my) life:

Winds of change... Endure them, and in Enduring grow Stronger
It takes a fool to look for logic in a man's heart
Never question the sanity of the insane
The Harmony of Life is Chaos
Living on Wings of Dreams



(1st march 2009) SHS women over me:
Kat: if there were more guys that looked like you out here, people's offspring wouldnt be so damn ugly
Noctalys: you are adorable :P

~~ I love it, and I am humbled! Yay! ~~


#14 SaintZenn

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Posted 05 March 2005 - 03:34 PM

Thanks! Anytime anyone sees any grammer or spelling errors could you guys either pm me or email me and tell me. You know I'm starting to wonder if maybe I need new glasses again... Of course it might help if I didn't write this at 3 in the morning....

Edited by SaintZenn, 05 March 2005 - 03:34 PM.

My Deviantart account

Mme. Thenardier:
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
Master of the house? Isn't worth me spit!
`Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong sh*t!
Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!

#15 Deathsangel

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Posted 10 March 2005 - 02:47 AM

---
Later...

[scene deleted due to sexual content... Go further]

Later than that....

[They're worse than rabbits... Keep going...]

Much much later...

And they all lived happily ever after.

[Umm.. that's too far.]

---

View Post


Posted Image Posted Image

Three Posted Image points extra for this story, due to this chapter!

Still modding the Mod for the Wicked... It is a big project you know... And I got sidetracked (several times) a bit... sorry.
However, as we all know, Evil never really sleeps.


Sentences marking (my) life:

Winds of change... Endure them, and in Enduring grow Stronger
It takes a fool to look for logic in a man's heart
Never question the sanity of the insane
The Harmony of Life is Chaos
Living on Wings of Dreams



(1st march 2009) SHS women over me:
Kat: if there were more guys that looked like you out here, people's offspring wouldnt be so damn ugly
Noctalys: you are adorable :P

~~ I love it, and I am humbled! Yay! ~~


#16 Erephine

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Posted 10 March 2005 - 05:12 AM

The OOC passages kind of ruin the flow <_<

But then again, that's just me.

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#17 Shadowhawke

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Posted 12 March 2005 - 06:01 PM

Nice work, Saint. Zenn! Sorry for not commenting earlier, but I've been away suffering from Writer's Block for the last two months, and I've only been able to visit occasionally, and this time, read your fanfic.

Promising beginning, I've got to say. Like Jolyth, I'd like to see where you take this. I hope you don't mind me nitpicking, but I also agree with Jolyth in that I think it's kind of disjointed. If this is the feel you're trying to put across, well, I don't mind, then. :)

Great story. Keep it up. :) :thumb: ^_^

Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love

***

And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain


#18 Deathsangel

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Posted 16 March 2005 - 01:44 AM

Great new chapter.

One thing bothers me. That is the following line:

"Edwin, would you still love me if I lost all my magic?" Anni hit him with a pillow when he had the nerve to actually think about it. He caught her wrists before she could hit him again and pressed a kiss against her lips until she yielded to him.

Either This needs to be "Anni, would you still love me if I lost all my magic?" or he needs to throw the pillow

Still modding the Mod for the Wicked... It is a big project you know... And I got sidetracked (several times) a bit... sorry.
However, as we all know, Evil never really sleeps.


Sentences marking (my) life:

Winds of change... Endure them, and in Enduring grow Stronger
It takes a fool to look for logic in a man's heart
Never question the sanity of the insane
The Harmony of Life is Chaos
Living on Wings of Dreams



(1st march 2009) SHS women over me:
Kat: if there were more guys that looked like you out here, people's offspring wouldnt be so damn ugly
Noctalys: you are adorable :P

~~ I love it, and I am humbled! Yay! ~~


#19 Erephine

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Posted 16 March 2005 - 09:34 AM

No. She asks the question, and whacks him with the pillow as he actually seems to need to think about it.

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#20 Deathsangel

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Posted 17 March 2005 - 01:31 AM

No. She asks the question, and whacks him with the pillow as he actually seems to need to think about it.

View Post


Oh, I see. Sorry, my mistake. :glare:

Still modding the Mod for the Wicked... It is a big project you know... And I got sidetracked (several times) a bit... sorry.
However, as we all know, Evil never really sleeps.


Sentences marking (my) life:

Winds of change... Endure them, and in Enduring grow Stronger
It takes a fool to look for logic in a man's heart
Never question the sanity of the insane
The Harmony of Life is Chaos
Living on Wings of Dreams



(1st march 2009) SHS women over me:
Kat: if there were more guys that looked like you out here, people's offspring wouldnt be so damn ugly
Noctalys: you are adorable :P

~~ I love it, and I am humbled! Yay! ~~