34 replies to this topic

[Shadowhawke]

Thanks, Little Dragon. Is everything clear enough? Because Damaris actually isn't hallucinating...

I'll be posting a new chapter soon, as well, so that's good. It might clear a few things up for you. (Or add to the confusion. ). . I'm glad people are still reading this.

[DalreïDal]

I feel a little bad but... I really don't get it. I'm totally confused. I'm reading chapter 6 now, and I still can't get who is who in the texts in italic... Er. What did I miss?

[Shadowhawke]

I feel a little bad but... I really don't get it. I'm totally confused. I'm reading chapter 6 now, and I still can't get who is who in the texts in italic... Er. What did I miss?

Eh... I'm sorry about that. . I tend to not write very clearly sometimes and skip around everything. I'll try not to do that in future chapters, and when I have time, perhaps to rewrite the others. When the voices in the italics are arguing with each other, it's the internal bickering of the two-in-one-body characters; Sahara/Damaris and Imoen/Kathryn. The scenes described in Chapter 6 in italics, however, are meant to remain obscure. . Feel free to guess and place who you think they are. .

Thanks for letting me know, DalreiDal. . I will try to work on it.

[DalreïDal]

Well, this was one of the possibilities I was envisionning. To be totally honest, what completely confused me was the pronouns that you used just after the "episodes" in italics - when using "they", I had no idea if you spoke of the second personality inhabiting Sahara or Imoen, or of Imoen and Sahara, or the four of them together. So... that is it.

Now I guess it will make more sense when I read it. (!)

[Shadowhawke]

Ah, I see. Thanks for that. I guess I never really thought about how confusing the 'they' would get, considering sometimes I'm referring to Imoen/Kathry, and sometimes I'm referring to Sahara/Damaris right after those italics sections. I'll try to clear that up when I begin writing the chapters again. To tell the truth, though, I did actually wish to convey a sense of confusion at those times. I tried to make the reader slightly unsure of what was happening and who it was because that directly reflected the characters' absolute and complete confusion at the time. So I hope in the later chapters as things become clearer, the clarity and writing to this will become clearer to you as well.

[DalreïDal]

aeuh... is it just me, Shadowhawke, or are your chapter numbers a little... out of order???

[Shadowhawke]

Thanks for alerting me to that, DalreiDal. >.<;;. I don't know how that happened... it's all fixed now and there's a new chapter

[Erephine]

Oh, I am so sorry for not commenting over here for so long. Please forgive me that I let my issues here interfere with commenting/posting, okay? You know I have not been here for a long time, but I admit I have been sneaking in as a "guest" from time to time to read your updates.

I love where you are taking the plot! I think I can definitely see where you are branching off from the 'original' now, and I like it a lot.

Looking forward to more as always! ^^

[Shadowhawke]

Oh, I am so sorry for not commenting over here for so long. Please forgive me that I let my issues here interfere with commenting/posting, okay?

There's nothing to forgive, old friend. . Thank you very much for commenting. . It does a writer good to see that her work is still being read! . Hope things get better for you soon.

You know I have not been here for a long time, but I admit I have been sneaking in as a "guest" from time to time to read your updates.

Heh, I'm honoured. .

I love where you are taking the plot! I think I can definitely see where you are branching off from the 'original' now, and I like it a lot.

Looking forward to more as always! ^^

I'm glad you're liking the new version. . I must admit, this fic has given me problems during the course of its conception, but hopefully at the end it'll be all worth it.

Edited by Shadowhawke, 24 February 2006 - 01:59 AM.

[Erephine]

Oh... first person narration!

I'm not sure, but I think it's the first time, isn't it?

I really love Jaheira's "monologue" - it's rare that we get glimpses at her real emotions or thoughts (both in the games and fanfics) and I think you have told the conflict between her state of "control" and her "nature" very well.



If I'm not making much sense right now, blame my studying for maths next week.

[Shadowhawke]

Oh... first person narration!

I'm not sure, but I think it's the first time, isn't it?

I really love Jaheira's "monologue" - it's rare that we get glimpses at her real emotions or thoughts (both in the games and fanfics) and I think you have told the conflict between her state of "control" and her "nature" very well.



If I'm not making much sense right now, blame my studying for maths next week.

Heh, thank you so much for reviewing, Erephine. . Yeah, I think it's basically the first first-person narration, or the first proper one at the very least . I'm glad you liked what I did with Jaheira... I think I have a habit of giving her monologues. Her real emotions are buried so very deep, after all. Thanks for the compliments, and I hope you go well in your maths.

[WeeRLegion]

I just read the story, and i must say that it is intresting...
Being unfamiliar with the original, reading through the first chapter could be compared to climbing down a violently flailing rope in a deep and dark void.
The direct d&d rule references (katana +1 etc.) which appearance frequency seemed to increase towards the end certainly served to pique my intrest...

For the rest, as it IS something like a huge mass of text, i'll just say that as the story dove from reality back to Baldurs Gate it got highly confusing, not so much to begin with, but it reached a peak somewhere around Därnisse keep, after which it was converted to intrigue.
But i fear i sense another wave of confusion approaching, what with the somewhat schizophrenic characters scattered all over and new characters being introduced.

It seems to be the most obvious weakness of the storytelling.
Beyond that, the characters have character and the story has been a veritable treat to read thus far.

[Shadowhawke]

I just read the story, and i must say that it is intresting...
Being unfamiliar with the original, reading through the first chapter could be compared to climbing down a violently flailing rope in a deep and dark void.
The direct d&d rule references (katana +1 etc.) which appearance frequency seemed to increase towards the end certainly served to pique my intrest...

For the rest, as it IS something like a huge mass of text, i'll just say that as the story dove from reality back to Baldurs Gate it got highly confusing, not so much to begin with, but it reached a peak somewhere around Därnisse keep, after which it was converted to intrigue.
But i fear i sense another wave of confusion approaching, what with the somewhat schizophrenic characters scattered all over and new characters being introduced.

I agree. >.<;;. It was brought to my attention that the story was rather confusing, and now I'm not sure whether I should just rewrite the entire thing to save it again. I did really enjoy the concept of it when it first occured to me, so maybe I will. The too-many-characters with most of them schizophrenic thing also doesn't work out too well >.<;;. Any suggestions on reducing it from being just a huge mass of text?

It seems to be the most obvious weakness of the storytelling.
Beyond that, the characters have character and the story has been a veritable treat to read thus far.

I'm glad you liked the rest of it, though.

[WeeRLegion]

Oh, no, don't rewrite it, i would myself still rather hear more of the story than read it rewritten.


Now...

First off, i did in no way intend to say that the first chapter was anyhow bad.
I think i can best make my point if i use some... expressive... language here.

As i said, reading it was like "climbing down a violently flailing rope in a deep and dark void."
But it wasn't bad.
More like (and here come's the language, cover your eyes all ye commies!):

"Whahhah?! Where's this thing heading? Whoo! WTF?! This dood 's a jolly good story writer, why's he making such silly references to spell levels an stuff?"

As the references piled up i started guessing at intent, but it remained unclear all the way to the end, where everything was made clear(er).

Well, a lot of the merriment came from reaching the exposition at C2, and the genius of it all became obvious with hindsight.



...

Anyway, to me, the biggest problem seems to be the sudden leaps to mysterious poems and stories of unnamed people.
The latter i think could use some description of environment, or something such, to make it more tangible.
Muhh, my brains ain't working properly now, i guess i haven't been getting enough sleep lately...

Erm, so if there is anything useful here, then great, if there's something offensive/stupid, or anything of such nature, ignore it.



EDIT
Right, now my gray matter has grinded up some more fine thought coffee...

Reformulated thoughts:
So, i've come to the conclusion that a certain level of confusion is actually great, as it keeps up the intrest; knowing that there is something to know is good.
Right now the confusion feels to be somewhat overdosed though.
No radical changes are called for, just a bit more clarity where confusion lacks a purpose.

For one, i think, that the 1st person dialogs and monologs could have used... maybe some more hinting at who was doing the thinking before the sequence was halfway through, yes?
With a good number of more and less mysterious discussion and dream parts present, one could easily mistake one of the first for one of the latter.

A clearer separations between internal discussions, weird dreamings, events involving unknown characters, sudden view point changes, and whatever else that might be confused for one of the aforementioned, would be good.



Criticisms aside, i hope you don't plan on taking too long fixing the old before turning back towards the future; i'm anxiously waiting to read how things will play out in this story of yours.


EDIT #2

Gakk, you didn't take my "huge mass of text" comment as criticism, did you? I only meant to say that the rest of the story is such an... err... broad subject? is that ok? that commenting on it now would take a lot of time and effort writing, and i feel that writing such without being requested to woudl risk stepping on your toes in such a way that it would only serve to produce a counter effect.

Edited by WeeRLegion, 27 April 2006 - 07:17 AM.

[Shadowhawke]

Oh, no, don't rewrite it, i would myself still rather hear more of the story than read it rewritten.

Oh, really? Okay... maybe I'll just dig into some parts and add some extra information.

Now...

First off, i did in no way intend to say that the first chapter was anyhow bad.
I think i can best make my point if i use some... expressive... language here.

As i said, reading it was like "climbing down a violently flailing rope in a deep and dark void."
But it wasn't bad.
More like (and here come's the language, cover your eyes all ye commies!):

"Whahhah?! Where's this thing heading? Whoo! WTF?! This dood 's a jolly good story writer, why's he making such silly references to spell levels an stuff?"

As the references piled up i started guessing at intent, but it remained unclear all the way to the end, where everything was made clear(er).

Well, a lot of the merriment came from reaching the exposition at C2, and the genius of it all became obvious with hindsight.

. I'm glad you liked that, then . If there's any way I can improve it though, please tell.

Anyway, to me, the biggest problem seems to be the sudden leaps to mysterious poems and stories of unnamed people.
The latter i think could use some description of environment, or something such, to make it more tangible.
Muhh, my brains ain't working properly now, i guess i haven't been getting enough sleep lately...

Erm, so if there is anything useful here, then great, if there's something offensive/stupid, or anything of such nature, ignore it.

Yes, I think that will be one of the parts that I will edit. Too much confusion is a bad thing.

EDIT
Right, now my gray matter has grinded up some more fine thought coffee...

Reformulated thoughts:
So, i've come to the conclusion that a certain level of confusion is actually great, as it keeps up the intrest; knowing that there is something to know is good.
Right now the confusion feels to be somewhat overdosed though.
No radical changes are called for, just a bit more clarity where confusion lacks a purpose.

For one, i think, that the 1st person dialogs and monologs could have used... maybe some more hinting at who was doing the thinking before the sequence was halfway through, yes?
With a good number of more and less mysterious discussion and dream parts present, one could easily mistake one of the first for one of the latter.

A clearer separations between internal discussions, weird dreamings, events involving unknown characters, sudden view point changes, and whatever else that might be confused for one of the aforementioned, would be good.

Thanks. . I'll work on the clarity part while I keep posting. The 1st person dialogues is an interesting idea... I might rewrite some of them as such.

Criticisms aside, i hope you don't plan on taking too long fixing the old before turning back towards the future; i'm anxiously waiting to read how things will play out in this story of yours.


EDIT #2

Gakk, you didn't take my "huge mass of text" comment as criticism, did you? I only meant to say that the rest of the story is such an... err... broad subject? is that ok? that commenting on it now would take a lot of time and effort writing, and i feel that writing such without being requested to woudl risk stepping on your toes in such a way that it would only serve to produce a counter effect.

Heh, I'll try to be working more on it now and less on Dancing with the Night for the moment. . No, I didn't take it as criticism so much as constructive criticism. . Thanks for all your help.