21 replies to this topic

[Shadowhawke]

Heh, I guess we all sometimes feel in need of a clean up of all those characters running around in our heads, don't we, DalreiDal? . A nice start, and I especially like how you've detailed Anomen's ageing.

Just one little nitpick

'She knocked three quick times on the door, then opened.' - I thought that this sentence stood out because it didn't flow as well as your other ones. A suggestion; you could reword it like this. 'She knocked three times quickly on the door, before opening it.'

That's it though... the rest in my opinion flowed very well.

[Celestine]

aww, so cute. family bliss... I can't helped but think "he dies in the end", are you refering to Anomen, he being the obvious oldest one.

[DalreïDal]

Thank you very much for your comments It's always so good to get reviews!!!

Shadowhawke: you're right. Edited it. Since we're speaking of flow, there's one sentence that's slightly bothering me, so I'll ask your opinion. That sentence when I make an enumeration (is that a word in english??? hell, why don't I keep my dictionary here) of the colours of Coreen's aura, is it too long? Anyone is free to give their opinion on the matter.

Celestine: yes, I'm quite afraid it's going to be Anomen's time soon. After "She dies in the beginning", "He dies in the end" eheh....

[Shadowhawke]

I thought that part was actually fine, DalreiDal. . It adds character and explains later in a very good way Amousca's point of view reading her aura.

[DalreïDal]

Hm, okay then Thanks.

[Balathustrius]

Very nice first chapter. Your writing style is pleasant to read, and does a fantastic job of making the reader feel a part of the world you are describing. If that makes any sense. But I really liked it.

I was going to mention the paragraph with the description of Coreen's auric colors, too, but now I think that Shadowhawke is right, and that it does a good job of describing her personality and character. So nevermind that.

[Alandrea]

I quite liked the aura bit, it was entirely well written, as was everything else.

[DalreïDal]

Thank you so much Balathustrius and Alandrea for letting me know that you've read (edit: I didn't really, really write written there, did I? oh my) my story and liked it.

As for the aura bit, since opinions seem divided, I'll have to do some thinking and see if I can find a way to write it that won't strike anyone as out of flow without losing the insight to Coreen's feelings.

Another chapter soon up! Continue reviewing eheh!

Edited by DalreïDal, 30 April 2006 - 09:39 AM.

[Shadowhawke]

Hey DalreiDal. . Good new chapter, I just have one little nitpick.

He turned around, a little embarrassed to have been overheard, and saw one of the said girls, which apparently had not been stolen yet by Rhizoperth.

The 'which' should be a 'who' .

Apart from that, I thought the chapter was excellent. The interaction between Matteo and Calandra was highly amusing and very well written.

[DalreïDal]

Aw, the damned devil pairs: "who-whom" and "what-which". I never know what to put where. I'll edit that, thanks to you, Shadowhawke.

I'm glad you like my Matteo/Calandra pair I had a bit of fun writing Calandra - it's one of my very few characters who's not mortally serious and solemn.

Btw, I hope I didn't insult anyone with my choice of her name.... LOL if anyone discovers where I take my inspiration from, she'll be embarrassed eheh.

[Shadowhawke]

Heh, don't worry DalreiDal. For a second-language English speaker, your writing is fantastic. .

Your latest chapter was great. . As I said the last time... the interaction between Matteo and Calandra is wonderful, especially her reactions to his more physical attributes. . Very cute.

Btw, I hope I didn't insult anyone with my choice of her name.... LOL if anyone discovers where I take my inspiration from, she'll be embarrassed eheh

No insult taken, although I wasn't aware that I was expected to . But I guess you're going to take away all our fun and not reveal your wellspring of inspiration...

Edited by Shadowhawke, 06 May 2006 - 08:01 PM.

[DalreïDal]

Lol I'm glad Calandra's reaction to a handsome guy was not out of place or making her sound bad. But hey, they're young, and first love does wonder on someone

As for Calandra's name, well, Calandra was just something I put together because I thought it sounded nice - no embarrassment there. It's her family name that has a more funny origin - along with Rhizoperth too eheh. At least I didn't call any of my characters Vampyroteuthis infernalis, eheh.

[Shadowhawke]

Both Calandra and Matteo's characters are shaping out very nicely. . I must admit I enjoyed reading this chapter, Mikal's comments were hilarious given the context

At least I didn't call any of my characters Vampyroteuthis infernalis, eheh.

*blinks*

That would make an *awesome* name for a demon

[DalreïDal]

Thank you for your comment, Shadowhawke I'm glad you liked Mikal, I have a bit of trouble to write children, not having many in my close family.

Now for the bad news: my computer burnt. I don't know yet exactly what's the problem, but if -si mon &%$@!#* de disque dur a cramé!!!! - my hard disk is burnt, I lost the rest of this story. So it's possible there will never be an end to "He dies in the end".

But I'm crossing my fingers and trying to keep my hopes up that it's just the power supply and that neither the processor, the motherboard card or the HD went poof. So I haven't lost my 100 pages of french original fiction I wrote in the last 4 days.

As for the matter of the names, I admit I was in the middle of studying my zoology when I chose names for this story, so biology must have "spilled over". Eheh Vampyroteuthis infernalis indeed is not a demon's name, although it means "vampire squid from hells". It's the name of something of a "living fossil" that is a taxonomic mystery, a mix between squids and octopuses that lives from 300 to 900m of depth. If you search for a picture of it, it's rather cute - for a squid, that is - with its big blue eyes and red skin.

Rizoperth now, if I recall correctly, was modified from a soil mushroon (mychorizal fungi?). The funniest is obviously catasbeina though. It's the latin species name of Rana catasbeina, the north american bullfrog! But if you don't happen to know what that name is, I think it sounds alright in "Calandra Catasbeina" eheh.

Edited by DalreïDal, 18 May 2006 - 07:01 AM.

[Shadowhawke]

Ahh, biology and the way it seeps so insidiously into your mind.

Well, I was happy to see your new chapter up. I thought the part you touched about the Inquisitor's discrimination of magic was wonderful, I haven't seen that much of it in many fictions. Your battle scene was also very realistic, albeit very brief. I guess you weren't focusing on the battle itself so much as the consequences of it?

A good new addition.

[DalreïDal]

Thank you Shadowhawke. Yes, my battle was more focused on what it looked like to Thaycree and Calandra, who had never been into battle before, than the battle itself.

I'm glad you liked my touchy paladin I always thought Keldorn was wonderful, but since there are fools everywhere, I figured at least ONE had to have slipped into the Order.

Thank you for your comment

[Shadowhawke]

I really liked your new chapter, DalreiDal, most probably because of the semi-flashback of Anomen's proposal and his perspective of the story. It really gave flesh to the characters and brought a realism into that situation. I remember when Anomen proposed to my character in the middle of the Pocket Plane, but I never thought about it the way you've portrayed it here.

[DalreïDal]

Thank you, Shadowhawke Yep, it seems flashbacks are one of my specialties. I laughed a lot when Anomen proposed to my character just as we were waking in the pocket plane. What gave me this perspective is that he made his proposition just three seconds after the cut-screen showing the green "sky" of that level of Hell. I admit, I laughed a lot, even if I'm usually deadly serious role-playing usually. I had to write it somewhere, it was too good to miss

[Shadowhawke]

Ach, I almost started crying, I did. Is that the end, then?

Just as a note, though, I was confused because at one point Amousca was crying when Samir sang, but then it said later that she would hold back, which didn't make too much sense. Also, you might want to vary your vocabulary a little at the bottom... crying can be replaced with weeping and sobbing.

Aside from that, that was really quite the exquisite chapter, DalreiDal.

[DalreïDal]

Thank you for your comment, Shadowhawke. I'll check that thing about Amousca's cries or not. But rest assured, this is not the end. I can't write anything so dramatic without putting a message of hope in it. Nope. Another chapter soon coming...... when the week of experiments (and no, I'm not a test subject) here in the lab I work for is over.