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The Ranger Rap

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#1 vilkacis


    Rashemen REPRESENT! Word to yo hamsta!

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Posted 07 June 2007 - 05:26 PM

...because I promised to post this. It's not exactly "fiction", but this seems to be the most fitting place to post it. (I believe I could get away with calling it "poetry"... if I run really really fast.) Created a little less than a year ago, this also explains the story behind my Totally Aweseome avatar! Rated O for OMGWTFAREYOUTHINKING for rapping, crack, rapping, insanity and mild Fowl Language™. Also, rapping.

DJ Minsc in da house! HIT IT!


DJ Minsc is my name, I'm a world class ranger
If you see me say "hi" - don't be a stranger
Spend my days righting wrongs wherever I go
I hail from the land of ice and snow
I kick ass and take names every single day
I'm not Mr. T but I'm still strong as - hey!
I charm all the ladies and get all the treasure
A lover and fighter in equal measure
My companion's a hamster, I ain't compensatin'
For lack of equipment - don't mind demonstratin'
A champion of Good, I don't tolerate Evil
Rampaging orcs make Minsc go medieval!
If you do something bad, I'll smack you, it's true!
Otherwise I'll be chillin' with my mate homey Boo
Break it down!

Now listen closely to what I gonna tell ya
My party and I have just been to hell, ya
I see Edwin hitting on a pretty black elf
That wizard should really get over himself
Viconia the drow could be much much nicer
Pity the clerics of Lolth want to ice her
Jaheira the druid likes leaves, trees and grass
If you cross her she'll shove a stick up your- AHEM!
Yoshimo the thief sure looked Oriental
His betrayal was certainly not accidental
Imoen got caught and locked up by a wizard
Who was really an elf (but looked more like a lizard)
<CHARNAME> that bastard steals all the attention
It's time for the Bhaalspawn to get some detention
Break it down!

I tell you now we had lots of adventures
Like the time we went hunting for Elminster's dentures
We got fire-proof lanterns and 10-foot poles
In our Bags of Holding and Portable Holes
It's great that we got all this kick-ass loot
But I can't wash the kobold blood from my boot
I got magic plate mail and a plus five vorpal sword
Pretty much guaranteed that I never get bored
It's quite entertaining to watch all our antics
Unless you... want to argue semantics? (Help me out here, Boo!)
I'd tell you 'bout the time when Edwin switched gender
'cept he threatened to do something with a blender
I don't know what, but it sounded quite icky
I hope he knows all that blood would be sticky
Break it down!

I should recommend quickly modding your game
'Cause if you're playing vanilla, it just ain't the same
There's nothing like third-party banter packs
To get the whole party right back on the tracks
Sure, all the NPCs may be Sues
But Minsc will make sure that they all get their dues
They get some great stats and their own equips
And take you on lengthy around-the-world trips
They want to boink Imoen or the Bhaalspawn hero
The odds that I'll get some? They're damn close to zero
Sexy tieflings and chaotic good drow
It's quite uncanny and I wanna know how
I tell them they're not playing standard races
You should see the looks of fear on their faces
Break it down!

I've had it with all these incompetent elves
They should be putting their swords on their shelves
We team up with Drizzt? I don't freaking think so
He may be a ranger, but he's also a twink, yo
Sarevok may talk big, but he acts like a sissy
(Don't tell him I said that, or he'll just get pissy)
Amelissan needs to swallow a chill pill
I tell ya we fought that bitch to a standstill
Irenicus thought he was cool in the nine hells
I just wish he'd stop spamming all of those death spells
Yaga-Shura may have been a pain in the rear
Ain't nothing we can't fix with a Freezing Sphere
I could keep rappin' but that's all from me
I'll see you again in Baldur's Gate Three!

...hey, I warned you. :P :P :P

#2 -Disorganizer-

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Posted 23 July 2015 - 10:08 AM

Thats hilarious, and nice job on that avatar.



Man, the memories ....


There wasnt, isnt, and probably wont be a rpg in the world that can replace Baldurs Gate 2.