I'm a lurker who read both the Mystery Science Theater version of the BG novels and the Eye of Argon. So, of course, I had to try this--Jim Theis' immortal work. Systematically abused by various members of the Baldur's Gate cast and two of my Bhaalspawn. So...here goes. Chapter one of MST Argon. Hopefully I'll avoid stepping on the other MSTing's toes.
Group: Ildera, Deirdre, Sarevok, Haer'Dalis
Ildera (Avariel sorceress): Hi! *waves*
Deirdre (Multiple-personality lycanthropic bard): *sigh* Why me?
Haer'Dalis: How cruel is Fate, to cage this sparrow once again.
Sarevok: No...I...I refuse!
Irenicus (Over magical loudspeaker thingy): You will do nothing but accept your fate.
Deirdre: Say, Jonny, how do you pronounce the scribe's name?
Irenicus: I believe that his surname is pronounced ?tice.?
Ildera: Ooh! Rhymes with nice!
Irenicus: I assure you, he is not. Now, begin.
The weather beaten trail wound
Ildera: How do you get a wound from a trail? And is the wound from the weather, or is it something else?
ahead into the dust
Ildera: Ah. But?how does it wind into the dust? Is it a floating trail?
Deirdre: Do not make the mistake of thinking that Theis is sane.
racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire.
Sarevok: The... Norgolian Empire? I do not believe that I have heard of it.
Deirdre: Theis is an idiot. Third unofficial rule of barding: always assume that your audience is a group of retarded gibberlings.
Haer'Dalis: Like Theis, I believe.
Deirdre: *smirk* Takes one to know one.
Irenicus: You are not supposed to kill one another. That is the purpose of the story. Continue reading.
Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone
Deirdre (age worn hoof prints): I...can't...breathe...
Ildera: Shiny...
dully against the dust splattered crust of earth.
Ildera: Ooh! Splattering dust! I want some!
Sarevok: Has the taint driven you mad already?
The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense
Haer'Dalis: This sparrow has not yet heard of a tired sun.
Ildera: He misspelled ?incandescence.?
Deirdre (singing): ?the sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace...? *
Haer'Dalis: What is this ?nuclear??
Sarevok (panicked): The fourth wall exists for a reason, bard! Leave it!
Deirdre: He is a twittering sparrow, brother. Not a dog.
from overhead,
Deirdre: As opposed to from underground, the normal source of sunlight.
half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives.
Deirdre: such as conquering that blasted Redwall Abbey.
Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while
Ildera: Spraying dust and blinding clouds! I want some!
Sarevok: Why now?
Ildera: To go with my splattering dust, of course!
they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers.
Deirdre: As opposed to while they bore the magical floating cargoes.
Sarevok: Weak.
Deirdre: I'm working on it. This goes on long enough, I'll have time.
Irenicus: It is seven and a half chapters, by the original author's notation.
All: Seven and a half!
Ildera: Roleclaim. ?We're all doomed.?
Others: Yes.
"Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier.
Deirdre (Grignr): Mom! Dad! I missed you! Can I have a hug?
"Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death, wretch!" returned Grignr.
Ildera: returned Grignr...what?
Deirdre: He gave his parents back the car keys, naturally.
Sarevok: Fourth wall! Watch it!
Deirdre: *malicious smile* Oh, no. Not yet, brother.
Ildera: It's wall-o-phobia!
A sweeping blade of flashing steel
Deirdre (sweeping blade): Think I'll do a little housework here. My, it's dusty.
Haer'Dalis: *singing* "Oh broom you must now sweep for me, the dust it fills my room"
Deirdre: *singing* "No John I will not sweep for you, for I am not your broom"
Both: *singing* "I am not your broom, I am not your broom, I've had enough, I'm throwing off my chains of servitude. I am not your broom, I am not your broom, no longer must I sweep for you for I am not your broom." **
Deirdre: All right, that was fun.
Sarevok: Is it not enough for the story to torture us?
riveted from the massive barbarians hide enameled shield
Ildera: The blade...riveted? From his shield?
Deirdre: That is a very belligerent shield.
as his rippling right arm thrust forth, sending a
Ildera: Rippling right arm? Is he a slime?
Deirdre: No, he's just flabby.
steel shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers vital organs.
Deirdre: As opposed to his vital harpsichords.
The disemboweled mercenary
Ildera: I don't get it. Is he a soldier or a mercenary?
Sarevok: He is both, it would seem.
Deirdre: Again, you make the mistake of assuming Theis maintains some level of consistency through the story.
crumpled from his saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid.
Ildera: Woohoo! Parched dust!
Deirdre: Not now. The man of indeterminate occupation is busy bleeding on it.
The enthused barbarian swilveled about,
Ildera: Enthused? He's enthused because he just killed someone?
Sarevok: *blank stare*
Deirdre: *blank stare*
Haer'Dalis: Well done, raven! 'Twould seem that you've broken your siblings!
his shock of fiery red hair tossing robustly in the humid air currents
Ildera: Visit beautiful?er... *looks at earlier pages* Norgolia! Where the land is barren and dust-racked, the paths are weather-beaten, and the air currents are humid!
as he faced the attack
Ildera: Um...Because turning your back is stupid?
Sarevok: Although the thought of Grignr doing so is certainly a pleasant one.
of the defeated soldier's fellow in arms.
Deirdre (Grignr): Fellow, you appear to be in arms.
Haer'Dalis (fellow): Nay, but I am under arms.
Ildera: That's not what the story says.
"Damn you, barbarian" Shrieked the soldier
Ildera: Shrieked?
Deirdre: Yes. Shrieking implies a certain pitch, which I do not believe that this soldier should have. Barring any unfortunate kicking, of course.
Irenicus: Quite right. No, that occurs later.
as he observed his comrade in death.
Deirdre: His comrade-in-death, as opposed to a comrade-in-arms.
Haer'Dalis: Subtle foreshadowing, perchance?
A gleaming scimitar smote a heavy blow against the renegade's spiked helmet,
Haer'Dalis: Does the scimitar float, and attack of its own will?
Deirdre: It might be floating, but it has no free will. If it did, it would attack Theis.
bringing a heavy cloud over the Ecordian's misting brain.
Ildera: I've only known one person who lived with a cloud over his head, and it's not because someone hit Xan with a scimitar.
Deirdre: Misting brain? Vampire alert!
Shaking off the effects of the pounding blow to his head,
Sarevok: I do not believe that a scimitar would ?pound.?
Haer'Dalis: Indeed, fierce hound. A scimitar's damage is of the slashing persuasion.
Grignr brought down his scarlet streaked edge against the soldier's crudely forged hauberk,
Ildera: scarlet streaked edge...Is that the sweeping blade of flashing steel mentioned earlier? What is he wielding?
clanging harmlessly to the left side of his opponent. The soldier's stead whinnied
Ildera: Yes, it whinnied, saying ?Fear not! Your AC is too high for him to strike you!?
Deirdre: And here I was thinking you'd make some stead/steed comment. No, you just had to go for the fourth wall.
Ildera: Yeah, I attacked the fourth wall instead. Or insteed?
Deirdre: I am vindicated, and unhappy for it.
as he directed the horse back from the driving blade of the barbarian.
Ildera: I thought the horse was the one being described. I mean, IT was whinnying. *cries* I want consistency in descriptors!
Grignr leashed his mount
Deirdre (Grignr): Now you be a good little horse and stay here.
forward as the hoarsely piercing battle cry
Ildera: *cries some more*
Deirdre: *yelling* See what you've done, Theis? You made my sister cry! THERE WILL BE RETRIBUTION! *pats Ildera's shoulder* There, there.
Haer'Dalis: Hoarsely piercing or horsey-piercing?
Deirdre: AARGH! *shapeshifts into a werewolf, and throws herself at the cell door repeatedly.*
Irenicus: Stop this or you will be restrained and gagged.
Deirdre: *shapeshifts back* Would I still have to read this?
Irenicus: Naturally.
Deirdre: I'll stop, I promise!
of his wilderness bred race resounded from his grinding lungs.
Haer'Dalis: These being comparable to the berk's smoother lungs? Ah, but you primes have just the one set.
Deirdre: Or the ones he uses for sanding rather than grinding.
A twirling blade bounced harmlessly from the mighty thief's buckler
Ildera: *grabs purse and looks around* A thief? Where?
Deirdre: How many thieves could be described as ?mighty?? More to the point, would any of them want to be?
Sarevok: You would know, sister.
as his rolling right arm cleft upward,
Ildera: Rolling arms? It's the Arm Circus!
Deirdre: I wondered how the Friendly Arm Inn got its name.
sending a foot of blinding steel ripping through the Simarian's exposed gullet.
Haer'Dalis: Pray tell, how might a foot slice?
A gasping gurgle from the soldier's writhing mouth
Deirdre: A writhing mouth?
Haer'Dalis: Clearly the berk read the same works as Philip Athans.
Ildera: Xzar did not have worms under his skin. He was a twitchy freak of dubious sanity, but his skin was normal.
as he tumbled to the golden sand
Ildera: *stares* Golden sand! Sparkly! Want...
Sarevok: Will you cease with your sand obsession?!
Ildera: But it's pretty...
at his feet, and wormed agonizingly
Deirdre: What is this scribe's obsession with squirming?
Haer'Dalis: Perhaps he was a slime mold.
in his death bed.
Haer'Dalis: Ah, the berk takes a dirt nap on his death bed?
Ildera: It's not a dirt nap, then.
Grignr's emerald green orbs
Irenicus: Most peculiar. The scribe later describes emeralds as red.
Ildera: Colorblind!
glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier
Deirdre: Too easy.
Ildera: What...oh. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Deirdre: Get your head out of the clouds, little butterfly.
struggling before his chestnut swirled mount.
Haer'Dalis: Chestnut swirl? Does this bear any resemblance to fudge ripple, perchance?
Deirdre: ?oh little ice cream friends! Thog delays boredom-driven rampage only for you!?
His scowling voice
Deirdre: ...took some Prozak and started smiling.
reverberated over the dying form in a tone of mocking mirth.
Haer'Dalis: 'Tis redundant to speak of both voice and tone.
"You city bred dogs should learn not to antagonize your better."
Sarevok: A most original method of teaching them, barbarian. I have always found maiming more effective, as the victim lives and learns.
Reining his weary mount ahead,
All: *stare*
Ildera: *starts crying again* My head hurts and my eyes are bleeding.
grignr resumed his journey to the Noregolian city of Gorzam,
Deirdre: I thought it was the Norgolian?NO!
Sarevok: What is wrong?
Deirdre: *wide-eyed* I just corrected Jim Theis.
hoping to discover wine, women, and adventure to boil the wild blood coarsing through his savage veins.
Deirdre: His blood is coarse. That explains why his veins are savage.
The trek to Gorzom
Ildera: He just spelled it ?Gorzam.? Which one is right?
was forced upon Grignr when the soldiers of Crin were leashed upon him by a faithless concubine he had wooed.
Deirdre (random salesman): Grignr! Take this genuine "trek to Gorzom!" I insist!
His scandalous activities
Deirdre: *bangs head against cell wall repeatedly*
Sarevok: What is it now?
Deirdre: I just had the most horrible image.
Haer'Dalis: All things fall to chaos and entropy. You may as well share it.
Deirdre: Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you. *pause* Grignr in a thong.
throughout the Simarian city had unleashed throngs of havoc
Haer'Dalis and Deirdre: Throngs of havoc? *burst out laughing*
Deirdre: That's so bad it's funny.
Haer'Dalis: An apt description for much of this work.
and uproar among it's
Ildera: HE USED THE WRONG ?IT'S!? How dare he!
Sarevok: The vehemence in your tone is alarming.
Ildera: I keep a journal that no one sees, and I never made that mistake. Theis published this.
He had barely managed to escape through the back entrance of the inn he had been guzzling in, as a squad of soldiers tounced upon him.
All: TOUNCED?!
Ildera: Somehow, that sounds like a lot of fun. If only I knew what it meant.
After spilling a spout of blood
Deirdre: Spills spill, spouts spurt. Say that three times, fast.
Ildera: If his blood was spouting, he probably would have died anyway.
from the leader of the mercenaries
Ildera: They were soldiers before. Most adventurers are mercenaries of a sort, and definitely not soldiers. Theis uses the words interchangeably, and it's starting to offend me.
as he dismembered one of the officer's arms,
Sarevok: I am not sure that this is possible.
Deirdre: Well, you can go for the fingers, but that's about it.
he retreated to his mount to make his way towards Gorzom, rumoured
Haer'Dalis: Grignr hails from Britain? Or Theis does?
Sarevok: I see the fourth wall cracking already.
to contain hoards of plunder,
Deirdre: Redundant. Or is that for dragon pirates? Pirates get plunder, dragons get hoards?
Haer'Dalis: *flips through a book* Barbarians receive plunder.
Deirdre: What book is that?
Haer'Dalis: Diana Wynne Jones' Tough Guide to Fantasyland. The best resource for any traveler to such a setting as this.
and many young wenches for any man who has the backbone to wrest them away.
Ildera: Tense change! Noooooo!
*Suddenly, part of the cell falls away.*
Sarevok: Indeed. They broke the fourth wall, as I warned them they might.
Ildera: Never mind that! We're free! Let's get out of here!
Irenicus: It seems that new test subjects are required.
My, this was long. The two songs I used are They Might Be Giants' "Why Does the Sun Shine" and "I am not your broom."
A Dose of Insanity
Started by Ipsissimus, Dec 02 2009 09:07 PM
5 replies to this topic
#1
Ipsissimus
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- Member
- 356 posts
[Insert witty statement]
Posted 02 December 2009 - 09:07 PM
And the mirror, it reflects a tiny dancing skeleton, surrounded by a fleshy overcoat and swaddled in
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
#2
Ipsissimus
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- Member
- 356 posts
[Insert witty statement]
Posted 03 December 2009 - 01:03 PM
So, here's about half of chapter 2. It's ridiculously long already, I had to split it up. I now present: *drumroll* EPISODE 2: ATTACK OF THE QUIPS
Ipsissimus: I did say you were going dungeon crawling. I just didn't tell you guys which dungeon.
Irenicus: Thank you. Into your cell, little torture victims.
Xan: We're all doomed.
Viconia: Shut up, darthiir.
Minsc: Rrrraaarrgh! Minsc and Boo will be FREE!
Deirdre: Argh! Not again.
Irenicus: *writing* Subject 2a depressed. Subjects 1b and 2b irate. Subject 2c insane.
Deirdre: Hey, Vicky?
Viconia: Do not call me that, darthiir.
Deirdre: Ah, but 2b or not 2b, that is the question.
Irenicus: Begin reading.
Xan: Onward, to futility!
Xan: Dismal. A perfect word for this?this...
Deirdre: Travesty of a story?
Viconia: Iblith?
Boo: *squeak*
Minsc: What, Boo? Exactly! Boo says that this story is like someone cut up a... dic-tion-ary and stuck the little bits together all wrong.
Xan: Boo is correct. I cannot believe I just said that.
reining his horse before a beaten tavern.
Deirdre: Tavern abuse!
The redhaired giant
Viconia: Strange. I had assumed the man was short of stature.
Deirdre: Not all men are drow males, you know.
Viconia: *sigh* I only wish they were.
strode into the dimly lit hostelry reeking of foul odors,
Xan: While no doubt accurate in this case, a room cannot ?reek of foul odors.?
Deirdre: Yech. Isn't reeking enough? Or smelling foul?
Xan: Apparently not.
and cheap wine.
Minsc: Boo calls that a comma splice.
The air was heavy with chocking fumes
Deirdre: Chocking fumes? What the hells does that mean?
Viconia: That it was chock-full of fumes, dalharil d' venoch. (daughter of murder)
Deirdre: *pause* Still not making sense.
spewing from smolderingtorches
All: *stare*
Deirdre: I would like to know what sort of torch spews chocking fumes.
Minsc: Boo thinks it could be used for buttkicking for goodness!
Xan: Or asphyxiation.
Viconia: Darthiir, was that a joke?
Xan: I fear so. *sigh*
encased within theden's earthen packed walls.
Deirdre: Earthen packed walls encasing torches?
Viconia: I believe that peat burns. *laughs*
Xan: Grignr is doomed.
Deirdre: I hope so.
Tables were clustered with groups of drunken thieves,
Deirdre: No rogue worth her salt gets drunk and sits in a group. You never know who's actually drunk and who's just pretending. I should know.
and cutthroats, tossing dice, or making love to willing prostitutes.
Viconia: Even Menzoberranzan's lust chambers have doors.
Eyeing a slender female crouched alone at a nearby bench,
Deirdre: Crouching at a bench? I think that's called slouching.
Grignr advanced wishing to wholesomely occupy his time.
Viconia: Oh no. *praying* Shar, prevent this idiotic male from attempting to write eroticism.
The flickering torches cast weird shafts of luminescence
Deirdre: I thought the torches were inside the walls.
dancing over the half naked harlot of his choice,
Xan: We are truly doomed.
Viconia: If this is what it seems...yes.
her stringy orchid twines of hair
Viconia: Stringy hair? This cannot be good.
Deirdre: Since when is ?orchid? an adjective?
swaying gracefully over the lithe opaque nose,
Viconia: For all know that little is as seductive as stringy hair hanging over a ssrigg'tul rothe's nose. (translation: pleasure slave)
Deirdre: That nose has a life of its own. Lithe...honestly. Does it get up and dance?
Xan: One wonders if transparency is its normal state.
as she raised a half drained mug to her pale red lips.
Deirdre: Mugs are not transparent. How could Grignr know that the mug is at half-capacity?
Xan: Half-empty.
Minsc: Half filled, but full to the brim with Goodness!
Glancing upward, the alluring complexion
Deirdre: The girl's complexion glances upward?
Viconia: It, too, has a life of its own.
Minsc: Minsc wonders if feet kick evil butts on their own.
noted the stalwart giant as he rapidly approached.
Deirdre: And the star-crossed lovers ran towards each other like trains on a collision course, one moving at 45 miles per hour having left from Topeka at 10:15, the other moving at 60 miles per hour having left Austin at 8:00. When, precisely, did they meet?
Viconia: That was worse than the story.
Deirdre: Exactly what I intended. *applauds* Yay me!
Minsc: Boo wonders what a ?train? is.
Deirdre: I found out earlier that if you attack the fourth wall enough, it breaks, and you can escape.
Irenicus: I have remedied that. It will not happen again.
Deirdre: Damn. *pause* It's still fun, though.
A faint glimmer sparked
Deirdre: Fire hazard!
from the pair of deep blue ovals
Xan: Eyes are generally rounded, not ovoid.
Viconia: Mmm...rounded.
Minsc: Boo is blushing, but Minsc does not get it.
Xan: I...oh Seldarine. Believe me, Minsc, you do not want to.
of the amorous female as she motioned toward Grignr, enticing him to join her.
Deirdre: I thought he was already ?moving rapidly.?
Viconia: There is no consistency in this nonsense.
The barbarian seated himself upon a stool
Viconia: Ohh, there are so many things I could say here...
Deirdre: You're really losing it, aren't you? Bathroom humor? I think our cleric needs a cleric.
at the wenches side,
Deirdre: Continuing what Viconia began?that place must be really filthy.
exposing his body, naked
All: Ohhh...
Deirdre: *bangs head against the wall* I predicted this, and I hate myself for it.
save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword,
Minsc: A cloth such as that has no hands. *puzzled frown* Does it, Boo?
an iron spiraled battle helmet,and a thick leather sandals, to her unobstructed view.
Viconia: Jaluk, I do not think she wants to see.
"Thou hast need to occupy your time, barbarian",questioned the female?
Deirdre: I don't know either. You tell me, scribe.
"Only if something worth offering is within my reach." Stated Grignr,as his hands crept to embrace the tempting female, who welcomed them with open willingness.
Viconia: She must be under a spell of mind control. Nothing else would explain it.
Xan: Feeblemind? Confusion? I do not think that Grignr could charm anyone.
Deirdre: He can cast Aura of Confusion. All he has to do is talk and act, and Theis does the rest.
"From where do you come barbarian, and by what are you called?"
Viconia: She asks that now?
Gasped the complying wench, as Grignr smothered her lips with the blazing touch of his flaming mouth.
Deirdre: Definite fire hazard! Sic a Water Elemental on him!
The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female,
Viconia: Any half-decent ssins d'aerth should wrap a male about her little finger first. *snort* This girl is pathetic. (translation: prostitute)
Deirdre: She was described as half-naked earlier. So she is half-decent.
pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest.
Deirdre (chest): I yearn for you.
Viconia: Weak.
Deirdre: So's this.
Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzedhide of Grignr corded shoulder blades
Xan: I swore that I would not comment on this section, but I believe that a space and an apostrophe are missing.
as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts
Xan: ...and that this sentence is technically a run-on.
"You make love well wench,"
Viconia: The scribe attempts to describe this as lovemaking?! What! Waelun jaluk, xun l' tresk'ri natha elamshinae lu' elgg dosstan! (translation: Idiotic male! Do the world a favor and kill yourself!)
Deirdre: My thoughts exactly.
Irenicus: The original author has been dead for several years.
Deirdre: Blast it. I wanted to kill him.
Viconia: Naturally, as painfully as possible.
Deirdre: He deserves no less.
Minsc: Yes! This nasty scribe deserves a swift kick in the morals, for upsetting miniature giant space hamsters!
Xan: Normally I would not agree, but in this case I cannot help it.
Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of potent wine his charge had been quaffing.
Deirdre: His charge? What, he's suddenly her guardian?
Viconia: Of course. He guards her from the attentions of other males.
Deirdre: Ohh, I think they're still watching both of them.
A flying foot
Minsc: Yes! Self-kicking feet!
Deirdre: Go kick Theis, foot. Or Grignr.
caught the mug Grignr had taken hold of,
Viconia: The foot missed.
Deirdre: It did its best.
sending its blood red contents sloshing over a flickering crescent;
Xan: I highly doubt that this seedy tavern has a ?flickering crescent? anywhere. Torches cast no such patterns, and no windows were mentioned in that agonizing description.
leashing tongues of bright orange flame
Viconia: Again with the leashes. ?Flames, stay there.?
to the foot trodden floor.
Deirdre: Well, yes, people do tend to tread on floors. That's what they're for, you see.
"Remove yourself Sirrah, the wench belongs to me;"
Deirdre: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Jim.
Xan: I am almost afraid to ask, but do...what?
Deirdre: Use a semicolon.
Blabbered a drunken soldier,
Xan: I see why.
too far consumed by the influences of his virile brew
Deirdre: Consumed by?so it was man-eating beer?
Minsc: Man-eating influences. There is a difference.
Deirdre (influences): RRRAAARRRGH! I eat barbarians!
Viconia: And it is virile brew. Were it not for the utter stupidity of this work, I would suspect that this referred to the sort of alcohol brewed in the Underdark.
to take note of the superior size of his adversary.
All: GARY STU!
Grignr lithly
Deirdre: I thought that in Theis' world, ?lithe? referred to noses.
Minsc: Boo says if you are wrong, you should try to be wrong in the same way.
Xan: This is "lithly." Not "lithely."
bounded from the startled female, his face lit up to an ashen red ferocity,
Xan: Ashes are gray.
Deirdre: Ashes are red
Ovals are blue
O reader, dear reader
I pity you.
and eyes locked in a searing feral blaze toward the swaying soldier.
Viconia: The jaluk's eyes burn now. Soon he will set the inn on fire, and I find myself hoping that the moment comes soon.
"To hell with you, braggard!" Bellowed the angered Ecordian,
Deirdre: It's POLKA time! *singing* ?This famous person wears the same size waterskis at me. She's got three cars, as many years as I've lived in this city. Her hair is blond and mine is brown, they both start with a B.? *
as he hefted his finely honed broad sword.
Minsc: There are many kinds of swords. So does he have a broadsword, or is his sword broad?
Viconia: *snicker* No. Too easy.
The staggering soldier clumsily reached towards the pommel of his dangling sword,
Viconia: Shar does not permit her clergy to wield swords, and yet I know that the hilt should be held, not the pommel.
but before his hands ever touched the oaken hilt a silvered flash was slicing the heavy air.
Deirdre: That's one sharp silvered flash.
Xan: This sentence brings a new meaning to ?heavy air,? if the air is being cut.
The thews of the savages lashing right arm
Viconia: Is that leashing or lashing?
Deirdre: You have a leash obsession.
Viconia: On the contrary. I enjoy lashing as well. Though a leashed victim makes the process more entertaining.
bulged from the glistening bronzed hide
Xan: I TOLD you the space was missing.
Deirdre: *pouts* So he isn't a bronzedhide barbarian?
as his blade bit deeply into the soldiers neck,
Deirdre (blade): Chomp!
Viconia: A blade that bites...perhaps it should meet Lilarcor?
loping off the confused head of his senseless tormentor.
Deirdre (head): I'm confused.
Viconia (head): One minute I had a great vantage point, the next I was on the floor.
With a nauseating thud the severed oval
Minsc: Is an oval a head or an eye?
Xan: You cannot sever an eye.
toppled to the floor, as the segregated torso
Minsc: Minsc once cut a man in half, but he had to drink several potions and Boo told him where to hit.
Xan: Indeed. Theis has either described an impossibility or was merely unclear.
Deirdre: What do you think?
of Grignr's bovine antagonist
Deirdre: MOO! *casts Cowkill*
*cow falls from the ceiling and explodes, and everyone is showered with cow parts*
Viconia: What the vith was that for?
Irenicus: Refreshments, obviously. Good. This chapter is a long one, and you will need your strength.
swayed, then collapsed in a pool of swirled crimson.
Deirdre: Is this like the chestnut-swirled mount earlier? Because this is...hmm...Neapolitan? I'd have to ask Haerry.
In the confusion
Xan: *casts Confusion*
*everyone stumbles around, dazed*
Irenicus: *Dispel magic* Do not try that again, enchanter.
Xan: I knew it was of no use. *sigh* But it brought us a short reprieve, at least.
Minsc: Boo appreciates the effort.
the soldier's fellows confronted Grignr with
Deirdre: ...evidence that Grignr had stolen from the crew of the Black Pearl. In fact, he'd stolen their Maztican coins, and so he was invincible. *gasp* NO!
Irenicus: I did tell you that the fourth wall would not break again.
Xan: *casts Breach, which fizzles* My spell...
Irenicus: *writes* Dead magic zone fully functional.
unsheathed cutlasses, directed toward the latters scowling make-up.
Deirdre: Cutlasses! Attack!
Xan: The Mordenkain's Swords of this world.
Viconia: *snort* How would you know? You cannot even cast that spell.
"The slut should have picked his quarry more carefully!"
Viconia: I do not believe that the ssins d'aerth was attacking.
Roared the victor in a mocking baritone growl,
Deirdre: Now how do you do that?
as he wiped his dripping blade on the prostrate form,
Minsc: Minsc and Larry have beheaded people, and the blade does not drip after.
and returned it to its scabbard.
Viconia: Naturally. Always take care of your equipment. Is the jaluk a Helmite?
"The fool should have shown more prudence,
Deirdre: ?Prudence is a virtue, virtue is a grace, Gracie is a naughty girl who never washed her face.?
Irenicus: *writes* Subject 1b displaying signs of mental damage.
however you shall rue your actions while rotting in the pits.? Stated one of the sprawled soldier's comrades.
Deirdre: Comrades? Are they Commies?
Minsc: Minsc and Boo often address their friends as comrades.
Deirdre: You're special, though.
Grignr's hand began to
Viconia: ...move to his own throat. It tightened, and Grignr strangled himself.
Irenicus: Not quite, Drow.
remove his blade from its leather housing,
Viconia: *laughs*
Xan: *shudders*
but retarded
Viconia: Too easy.
the motion
Deirdre (motion): Durrrr.
Xan: I believe that phrase is better suited to Abdel Adrian.
in face of the blades waving before his face.
Deirdre (blades): Hi Grignr!
"Dismiss your hand from the hilt,
Viconia (Grignr): Hand, you are dismissed. *grunt*
Deirdre: What was that?
Viconia: I was imitating Grignr.
Xan: *shudder* Never do that again.
barbarbian,
Deirdre: It's Barbie's wild cousin, Bar-bar Barbie
or you shall find a foot of steel sheathed in your gizzard."
Minsc: Feet of steel are for kicking evil butts, not for sheathing in people.
Viconia: *laughs*
Xan: Merciful Seldarine, stop it!
Grignr weighed his position
Deirdre: 132 Imperial pounds, or 1/5 Grignr's weight.
observing his plight,
Deirdre (Grignr): Captain? Plight appears to be at 97 degrees and 3 minutes west by 121 degrees north.
where-upon he took the soldier's advice
Deirdre: *sigh* Give it back.
as the only logical choice. To attempt to hack his way from his present predicament could only warrant certain death.
Xan: In other words, it is exactly what he should do.
He was of no mind
Deirdre, Viconia: *start laughing hysterically*
Xan: *sigh* It is not that funny.
Minsc: What is the joke?
to bring upon his own demise if an alternate path presented itself.
Viconia (alternative path): Here I am, Grignr.
The will to necessitate his life
Deirdre: Nooo, your life is not necessary. Assuming that's what Theis meant, of course.
forced him to yield to the superior force
Deirdre: He just beheaded a man with one attack. *starts scribbling things and rolls a few dice* Yeah, he'd make it. And that's not counting his Stu factor.
Xan: More's the pity.
Viconia: I suspect this is a badly dropped plot hook.
Deirdre: Use the force, Grignr... *singing* Let's bloooow this thiiiiing... aaaand go hooooome!? **
in hopes of a moment of carlessness
Deirdre: Yep, no cars in this world. More than a moment of it, I'd say.
later upon the part of his captors
Deirdre (captor): Eww, I have ?carlessness later? upon my part!
Viconia: Think before you speak.
Deirdre: *slaps forehead* The story's getting to me.
in which he could effect a more plausible means of escape.
Minsc: More plausible than what? He does not have a plan of escape.
"You may steady your arms,
Viconia: Were they shaking?
Deirdre: The arms were trembling in their boots.
Viconia: *raises voice* And here we have our very own honorary Jim Theis!
Xan: You do not need to hasten our doom. Believe me, it will come.
I will go without a struggle."
Deirdre: ...even though he wanted nothing more than to take his little Struggle-beast with him.
"Your decision is a wise one, yet perhaps you would have been better off had you forced death,"
Death: FORCED ME TO DO WHAT?
Xan: I did say that Death was watching us.
Viconia: Kelemvor? Jergal? Myrkul?
Death: NO. DEATH.
Deirdre: *gasp* Can I have your autograph?
Xan: Now is not the time for fangirl syndrome.
Death: IF YOU MUST. *scribbles something* HERE.
Deirdre: Thankyouthankyouthankyou! *grins* Do you need help finding the egress?
Death: ?
Irenicus: Interesting. Most intriguing. How did he enter?
Death: THROUGH A PLOT HOLE. *vanishes*
Of COURSE my PC goes fangirl over Terry Pratchett's Death. Also, songs used are: The Famous Polka, by They Might Be Giants and Let's Blow This Thing, which any self-proclaimed Star Wars fan should watch. Link
Ipsissimus: I did say you were going dungeon crawling. I just didn't tell you guys which dungeon.
Irenicus: Thank you. Into your cell, little torture victims.
Xan: We're all doomed.
Viconia: Shut up, darthiir.
Minsc: Rrrraaarrgh! Minsc and Boo will be FREE!
Deirdre: Argh! Not again.
Irenicus: *writing* Subject 2a depressed. Subjects 1b and 2b irate. Subject 2c insane.
Deirdre: Hey, Vicky?
Viconia: Do not call me that, darthiir.
Deirdre: Ah, but 2b or not 2b, that is the question.
Irenicus: Begin reading.
Xan: Onward, to futility!
-2-
Arriving after dusk in Gorzom,grignr descended down a dismal alley,Xan: Dismal. A perfect word for this?this...
Deirdre: Travesty of a story?
Viconia: Iblith?
Boo: *squeak*
Minsc: What, Boo? Exactly! Boo says that this story is like someone cut up a... dic-tion-ary and stuck the little bits together all wrong.
Xan: Boo is correct. I cannot believe I just said that.
reining his horse before a beaten tavern.
Deirdre: Tavern abuse!
The redhaired giant
Viconia: Strange. I had assumed the man was short of stature.
Deirdre: Not all men are drow males, you know.
Viconia: *sigh* I only wish they were.
strode into the dimly lit hostelry reeking of foul odors,
Xan: While no doubt accurate in this case, a room cannot ?reek of foul odors.?
Deirdre: Yech. Isn't reeking enough? Or smelling foul?
Xan: Apparently not.
and cheap wine.
Minsc: Boo calls that a comma splice.
The air was heavy with chocking fumes
Deirdre: Chocking fumes? What the hells does that mean?
Viconia: That it was chock-full of fumes, dalharil d' venoch. (daughter of murder)
Deirdre: *pause* Still not making sense.
spewing from smolderingtorches
All: *stare*
Deirdre: I would like to know what sort of torch spews chocking fumes.
Minsc: Boo thinks it could be used for buttkicking for goodness!
Xan: Or asphyxiation.
Viconia: Darthiir, was that a joke?
Xan: I fear so. *sigh*
encased within theden's earthen packed walls.
Deirdre: Earthen packed walls encasing torches?
Viconia: I believe that peat burns. *laughs*
Xan: Grignr is doomed.
Deirdre: I hope so.
Tables were clustered with groups of drunken thieves,
Deirdre: No rogue worth her salt gets drunk and sits in a group. You never know who's actually drunk and who's just pretending. I should know.
and cutthroats, tossing dice, or making love to willing prostitutes.
Viconia: Even Menzoberranzan's lust chambers have doors.
Eyeing a slender female crouched alone at a nearby bench,
Deirdre: Crouching at a bench? I think that's called slouching.
Grignr advanced wishing to wholesomely occupy his time.
Viconia: Oh no. *praying* Shar, prevent this idiotic male from attempting to write eroticism.
The flickering torches cast weird shafts of luminescence
Deirdre: I thought the torches were inside the walls.
dancing over the half naked harlot of his choice,
Xan: We are truly doomed.
Viconia: If this is what it seems...yes.
her stringy orchid twines of hair
Viconia: Stringy hair? This cannot be good.
Deirdre: Since when is ?orchid? an adjective?
swaying gracefully over the lithe opaque nose,
Viconia: For all know that little is as seductive as stringy hair hanging over a ssrigg'tul rothe's nose. (translation: pleasure slave)
Deirdre: That nose has a life of its own. Lithe...honestly. Does it get up and dance?
Xan: One wonders if transparency is its normal state.
as she raised a half drained mug to her pale red lips.
Deirdre: Mugs are not transparent. How could Grignr know that the mug is at half-capacity?
Xan: Half-empty.
Minsc: Half filled, but full to the brim with Goodness!
Glancing upward, the alluring complexion
Deirdre: The girl's complexion glances upward?
Viconia: It, too, has a life of its own.
Minsc: Minsc wonders if feet kick evil butts on their own.
noted the stalwart giant as he rapidly approached.
Deirdre: And the star-crossed lovers ran towards each other like trains on a collision course, one moving at 45 miles per hour having left from Topeka at 10:15, the other moving at 60 miles per hour having left Austin at 8:00. When, precisely, did they meet?
Viconia: That was worse than the story.
Deirdre: Exactly what I intended. *applauds* Yay me!
Minsc: Boo wonders what a ?train? is.
Deirdre: I found out earlier that if you attack the fourth wall enough, it breaks, and you can escape.
Irenicus: I have remedied that. It will not happen again.
Deirdre: Damn. *pause* It's still fun, though.
A faint glimmer sparked
Deirdre: Fire hazard!
from the pair of deep blue ovals
Xan: Eyes are generally rounded, not ovoid.
Viconia: Mmm...rounded.
Minsc: Boo is blushing, but Minsc does not get it.
Xan: I...oh Seldarine. Believe me, Minsc, you do not want to.
of the amorous female as she motioned toward Grignr, enticing him to join her.
Deirdre: I thought he was already ?moving rapidly.?
Viconia: There is no consistency in this nonsense.
The barbarian seated himself upon a stool
Viconia: Ohh, there are so many things I could say here...
Deirdre: You're really losing it, aren't you? Bathroom humor? I think our cleric needs a cleric.
at the wenches side,
Deirdre: Continuing what Viconia began?that place must be really filthy.
exposing his body, naked
All: Ohhh...
Deirdre: *bangs head against the wall* I predicted this, and I hate myself for it.
save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword,
Minsc: A cloth such as that has no hands. *puzzled frown* Does it, Boo?
an iron spiraled battle helmet,and a thick leather sandals, to her unobstructed view.
Viconia: Jaluk, I do not think she wants to see.
"Thou hast need to occupy your time, barbarian",questioned the female?
Deirdre: I don't know either. You tell me, scribe.
"Only if something worth offering is within my reach." Stated Grignr,as his hands crept to embrace the tempting female, who welcomed them with open willingness.
Viconia: She must be under a spell of mind control. Nothing else would explain it.
Xan: Feeblemind? Confusion? I do not think that Grignr could charm anyone.
Deirdre: He can cast Aura of Confusion. All he has to do is talk and act, and Theis does the rest.
"From where do you come barbarian, and by what are you called?"
Viconia: She asks that now?
Gasped the complying wench, as Grignr smothered her lips with the blazing touch of his flaming mouth.
Deirdre: Definite fire hazard! Sic a Water Elemental on him!
The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female,
Viconia: Any half-decent ssins d'aerth should wrap a male about her little finger first. *snort* This girl is pathetic. (translation: prostitute)
Deirdre: She was described as half-naked earlier. So she is half-decent.
pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest.
Deirdre (chest): I yearn for you.
Viconia: Weak.
Deirdre: So's this.
Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzedhide of Grignr corded shoulder blades
Xan: I swore that I would not comment on this section, but I believe that a space and an apostrophe are missing.
as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts
Xan: ...and that this sentence is technically a run-on.
"You make love well wench,"
Viconia: The scribe attempts to describe this as lovemaking?! What! Waelun jaluk, xun l' tresk'ri natha elamshinae lu' elgg dosstan! (translation: Idiotic male! Do the world a favor and kill yourself!)
Deirdre: My thoughts exactly.
Irenicus: The original author has been dead for several years.
Deirdre: Blast it. I wanted to kill him.
Viconia: Naturally, as painfully as possible.
Deirdre: He deserves no less.
Minsc: Yes! This nasty scribe deserves a swift kick in the morals, for upsetting miniature giant space hamsters!
Xan: Normally I would not agree, but in this case I cannot help it.
Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of potent wine his charge had been quaffing.
Deirdre: His charge? What, he's suddenly her guardian?
Viconia: Of course. He guards her from the attentions of other males.
Deirdre: Ohh, I think they're still watching both of them.
A flying foot
Minsc: Yes! Self-kicking feet!
Deirdre: Go kick Theis, foot. Or Grignr.
caught the mug Grignr had taken hold of,
Viconia: The foot missed.
Deirdre: It did its best.
sending its blood red contents sloshing over a flickering crescent;
Xan: I highly doubt that this seedy tavern has a ?flickering crescent? anywhere. Torches cast no such patterns, and no windows were mentioned in that agonizing description.
leashing tongues of bright orange flame
Viconia: Again with the leashes. ?Flames, stay there.?
to the foot trodden floor.
Deirdre: Well, yes, people do tend to tread on floors. That's what they're for, you see.
"Remove yourself Sirrah, the wench belongs to me;"
Deirdre: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Jim.
Xan: I am almost afraid to ask, but do...what?
Deirdre: Use a semicolon.
Blabbered a drunken soldier,
Xan: I see why.
too far consumed by the influences of his virile brew
Deirdre: Consumed by?so it was man-eating beer?
Minsc: Man-eating influences. There is a difference.
Deirdre (influences): RRRAAARRRGH! I eat barbarians!
Viconia: And it is virile brew. Were it not for the utter stupidity of this work, I would suspect that this referred to the sort of alcohol brewed in the Underdark.
to take note of the superior size of his adversary.
All: GARY STU!
Grignr lithly
Deirdre: I thought that in Theis' world, ?lithe? referred to noses.
Minsc: Boo says if you are wrong, you should try to be wrong in the same way.
Xan: This is "lithly." Not "lithely."
bounded from the startled female, his face lit up to an ashen red ferocity,
Xan: Ashes are gray.
Deirdre: Ashes are red
Ovals are blue
O reader, dear reader
I pity you.
and eyes locked in a searing feral blaze toward the swaying soldier.
Viconia: The jaluk's eyes burn now. Soon he will set the inn on fire, and I find myself hoping that the moment comes soon.
"To hell with you, braggard!" Bellowed the angered Ecordian,
Deirdre: It's POLKA time! *singing* ?This famous person wears the same size waterskis at me. She's got three cars, as many years as I've lived in this city. Her hair is blond and mine is brown, they both start with a B.? *
as he hefted his finely honed broad sword.
Minsc: There are many kinds of swords. So does he have a broadsword, or is his sword broad?
Viconia: *snicker* No. Too easy.
The staggering soldier clumsily reached towards the pommel of his dangling sword,
Viconia: Shar does not permit her clergy to wield swords, and yet I know that the hilt should be held, not the pommel.
but before his hands ever touched the oaken hilt a silvered flash was slicing the heavy air.
Deirdre: That's one sharp silvered flash.
Xan: This sentence brings a new meaning to ?heavy air,? if the air is being cut.
The thews of the savages lashing right arm
Viconia: Is that leashing or lashing?
Deirdre: You have a leash obsession.
Viconia: On the contrary. I enjoy lashing as well. Though a leashed victim makes the process more entertaining.
bulged from the glistening bronzed hide
Xan: I TOLD you the space was missing.
Deirdre: *pouts* So he isn't a bronzedhide barbarian?
as his blade bit deeply into the soldiers neck,
Deirdre (blade): Chomp!
Viconia: A blade that bites...perhaps it should meet Lilarcor?
loping off the confused head of his senseless tormentor.
Deirdre (head): I'm confused.
Viconia (head): One minute I had a great vantage point, the next I was on the floor.
With a nauseating thud the severed oval
Minsc: Is an oval a head or an eye?
Xan: You cannot sever an eye.
toppled to the floor, as the segregated torso
Minsc: Minsc once cut a man in half, but he had to drink several potions and Boo told him where to hit.
Xan: Indeed. Theis has either described an impossibility or was merely unclear.
Deirdre: What do you think?
of Grignr's bovine antagonist
Deirdre: MOO! *casts Cowkill*
*cow falls from the ceiling and explodes, and everyone is showered with cow parts*
Viconia: What the vith was that for?
Irenicus: Refreshments, obviously. Good. This chapter is a long one, and you will need your strength.
swayed, then collapsed in a pool of swirled crimson.
Deirdre: Is this like the chestnut-swirled mount earlier? Because this is...hmm...Neapolitan? I'd have to ask Haerry.
In the confusion
Xan: *casts Confusion*
*everyone stumbles around, dazed*
Irenicus: *Dispel magic* Do not try that again, enchanter.
Xan: I knew it was of no use. *sigh* But it brought us a short reprieve, at least.
Minsc: Boo appreciates the effort.
the soldier's fellows confronted Grignr with
Deirdre: ...evidence that Grignr had stolen from the crew of the Black Pearl. In fact, he'd stolen their Maztican coins, and so he was invincible. *gasp* NO!
Irenicus: I did tell you that the fourth wall would not break again.
Xan: *casts Breach, which fizzles* My spell...
Irenicus: *writes* Dead magic zone fully functional.
unsheathed cutlasses, directed toward the latters scowling make-up.
Deirdre: Cutlasses! Attack!
Xan: The Mordenkain's Swords of this world.
Viconia: *snort* How would you know? You cannot even cast that spell.
"The slut should have picked his quarry more carefully!"
Viconia: I do not believe that the ssins d'aerth was attacking.
Roared the victor in a mocking baritone growl,
Deirdre: Now how do you do that?
as he wiped his dripping blade on the prostrate form,
Minsc: Minsc and Larry have beheaded people, and the blade does not drip after.
and returned it to its scabbard.
Viconia: Naturally. Always take care of your equipment. Is the jaluk a Helmite?
"The fool should have shown more prudence,
Deirdre: ?Prudence is a virtue, virtue is a grace, Gracie is a naughty girl who never washed her face.?
Irenicus: *writes* Subject 1b displaying signs of mental damage.
however you shall rue your actions while rotting in the pits.? Stated one of the sprawled soldier's comrades.
Deirdre: Comrades? Are they Commies?
Minsc: Minsc and Boo often address their friends as comrades.
Deirdre: You're special, though.
Grignr's hand began to
Viconia: ...move to his own throat. It tightened, and Grignr strangled himself.
Irenicus: Not quite, Drow.
remove his blade from its leather housing,
Viconia: *laughs*
Xan: *shudders*
but retarded
Viconia: Too easy.
the motion
Deirdre (motion): Durrrr.
Xan: I believe that phrase is better suited to Abdel Adrian.
in face of the blades waving before his face.
Deirdre (blades): Hi Grignr!
"Dismiss your hand from the hilt,
Viconia (Grignr): Hand, you are dismissed. *grunt*
Deirdre: What was that?
Viconia: I was imitating Grignr.
Xan: *shudder* Never do that again.
barbarbian,
Deirdre: It's Barbie's wild cousin, Bar-bar Barbie
or you shall find a foot of steel sheathed in your gizzard."
Minsc: Feet of steel are for kicking evil butts, not for sheathing in people.
Viconia: *laughs*
Xan: Merciful Seldarine, stop it!
Grignr weighed his position
Deirdre: 132 Imperial pounds, or 1/5 Grignr's weight.
observing his plight,
Deirdre (Grignr): Captain? Plight appears to be at 97 degrees and 3 minutes west by 121 degrees north.
where-upon he took the soldier's advice
Deirdre: *sigh* Give it back.
as the only logical choice. To attempt to hack his way from his present predicament could only warrant certain death.
Xan: In other words, it is exactly what he should do.
He was of no mind
Deirdre, Viconia: *start laughing hysterically*
Xan: *sigh* It is not that funny.
Minsc: What is the joke?
to bring upon his own demise if an alternate path presented itself.
Viconia (alternative path): Here I am, Grignr.
The will to necessitate his life
Deirdre: Nooo, your life is not necessary. Assuming that's what Theis meant, of course.
forced him to yield to the superior force
Deirdre: He just beheaded a man with one attack. *starts scribbling things and rolls a few dice* Yeah, he'd make it. And that's not counting his Stu factor.
Xan: More's the pity.
Viconia: I suspect this is a badly dropped plot hook.
Deirdre: Use the force, Grignr... *singing* Let's bloooow this thiiiiing... aaaand go hooooome!? **
in hopes of a moment of carlessness
Deirdre: Yep, no cars in this world. More than a moment of it, I'd say.
later upon the part of his captors
Deirdre (captor): Eww, I have ?carlessness later? upon my part!
Viconia: Think before you speak.
Deirdre: *slaps forehead* The story's getting to me.
in which he could effect a more plausible means of escape.
Minsc: More plausible than what? He does not have a plan of escape.
"You may steady your arms,
Viconia: Were they shaking?
Deirdre: The arms were trembling in their boots.
Viconia: *raises voice* And here we have our very own honorary Jim Theis!
Xan: You do not need to hasten our doom. Believe me, it will come.
I will go without a struggle."
Deirdre: ...even though he wanted nothing more than to take his little Struggle-beast with him.
"Your decision is a wise one, yet perhaps you would have been better off had you forced death,"
Death: FORCED ME TO DO WHAT?
Xan: I did say that Death was watching us.
Viconia: Kelemvor? Jergal? Myrkul?
Death: NO. DEATH.
Deirdre: *gasp* Can I have your autograph?
Xan: Now is not the time for fangirl syndrome.
Death: IF YOU MUST. *scribbles something* HERE.
Deirdre: Thankyouthankyouthankyou! *grins* Do you need help finding the egress?
Death: ?
Irenicus: Interesting. Most intriguing. How did he enter?
Death: THROUGH A PLOT HOLE. *vanishes*
Of COURSE my PC goes fangirl over Terry Pratchett's Death. Also, songs used are: The Famous Polka, by They Might Be Giants and Let's Blow This Thing, which any self-proclaimed Star Wars fan should watch. Link
Edited by Ipsissimus, 03 December 2009 - 01:05 PM.
And the mirror, it reflects a tiny dancing skeleton, surrounded by a fleshy overcoat and swaddled in
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
#3
Ipsissimus
-
- Member
- 356 posts
[Insert witty statement]
Posted 03 December 2009 - 08:40 PM
Argon Theater, Episode II, part II.
Deirdre: Irenicus? How did Death get here?
Irenicus: As he said. Through a plot hole.
Deirdre: What plot hole?
Irenicus: This work is full of them, godchild. Death noticed your plight, and arrived expecting to collect. His entrance created a plot hole in Discworld, and when he was finished here, he used it to leave.
Xan: In other words, no escape for us.
Irenicus: Not after the last time.
the soldier's mouth wrinkled to a sadistic grin of knowing mirth
Minsc: Boo calls that a Grin +6 of Knowing Mirth [cursed].
as he prodded his prisoner on with his sword point.
Deirdre: Watch the alliteration, Theis! Prodding prisoners with points is pointlessly provocative.
After an indiscriminate
Viconia: They do not discriminate? Were this not the world of Jim Theis, I might consider a journey.
period of marching through slinking alleyways
Deirdre: Again with the creepy crawly things. First it's the writhing mouth, now it's slinking alleyways.
and dim moonlighted streets the procession confronted a massive seraglio.
Xan: The procession confronted it? Had this...seraglio...offended the procession?
Deirdre: My lore rating's 198 and I don't know what a seraglio is.
Xan: *casts Identify, which fizzles* We are doomed not to know.
The palace area was surrounded by an iron grating, with a lush garden upon all sides.
Deirdre: Up! Down! Left! Right!
Others: *stare*
Deirdre: Well, it said ?upon all sides.?
The group was admitted through the gilded gateway
Minsc: Boo's little eyes are glittering.
Xan: Wonderful. An avaricious hamster.
and Grignr was ledalong
Viconia: What is this word, ?ledalong??
Deirdre: Ledalong is Legolas' cousin. Grignr is roleplaying.
a stone pathway bordered by plush
Deirdre: Plush? Like a plush toy? I could use one of those now. *mutters* Rip, shred, tear, kill...
vegitation lustfully
All: 
enhanced by the moon's shimmering rays.
Deirdre: I misread that as ?shimmying? and laughed like crazy.
Xan: There is no hope for you.
Others:
Xan: There is no hope for any of us. We're all doomed, Deirdre in particular.
Deirdre: That's the Xan we know and love.
Viconia: Who speaks for me?
Upon reaching the palace
Viconia: They are standing on an object known as ?reaching the palace??
the group was granted entrance,
Minsc: Why are they let in before explaining?
and after several minutes of explanation,
Deirdre (soldier 1): Psst. Where do we get killed?
Viconia (guard): Soon. Don't worry.
Deirdre (soldier): Whew. I was beginning to think I'd never get out.
led through several winding corridors
Deirdre: Were they in multiple places at once?
Xan: A Simulacrum spell?
Ipsissimus: No, it's the infinite summoning spell CLUAConsole:CreateCreature(?grignr?,999)
Viconia: I understood little of that, but one copy of the dimwitted jaluk is more than enough.
to a richly draped chamber.
Deirdre: Draped in...
Confronting the group was a short stocky man seated upona golden throne. Tapestries of richly draped regal blue silk covered all walls of the chamber,
Viconia: Regal blue silk, apparently.
Deirdre: That's just...wrong. You shouldn't use a word to refer to a room and then use it again to describe the decorations. You especially can't use the same phrase twice. *rubs forehead* My head hurts.
Viconia: *passes her a small bottle* Here. These help.
Xan: What is that?
Viconia: A mild painkiller. Why?
Xan: It is unfair that she should have some method of escape.
Viconia: It might keep her quiet.
while the steps leading to the throne were plated with sparkling white ivory.
Deirdre: Ildera isn't here, so I'll say this for her. Oooh...shiny.
The man upon the throne had a naked wench seated at each of his arms, and a trusted advisor seated in back of him.
Deirdre: *swallows several pills* It's still not making sense. I know the words, but I feel my head fuzzing up.
Viconia: *takes pill bottle back* Not so many at once.
Deirdre: Why? You just want the pills for yourself, don't you?
Viconia: Because they are mildly addictive, as you have just demonstrated, and too many will kill you.
Deirdre: In that case, give them back!
Viconia: You will not escape without us, and there are not enough pills in the bottle for all of us.
Deirdre: Suicide buddies?
At each cornwr
Minsc: What is this ?cornwr??
Ipsissimus: It's Welsh. Theis' idea of representing minorities.
of the chamber a guard stood at attention,
Deirdre: Guard. Location 1133x1531, also known as ?Attention.?
with upraised pikes supported in their hands,
Deirdre (guard): Pike, I will always support you.
Deirdre (pike): *sob* That's so beautiful.
Deirdre: Why am I doing this alone now?
Xan: The rest of us have already succumbed to despair.
Irenicus: You will engage in the story, or you will all suffer.
Xan: Suffer now, suffer later. What difference does it make? *sigh* Though putting off our inevitable demise for a while longer does sound appealing.
golden chainmail adorning their torso's
Minsc: Their torso's what, asks Boo.
Viconia: *grins* I have a few ideas. *whispers something to Xan*
Xan: *turns absolutely white and edges away*
Deirdre: Careful, Vicky. I think you broke the elf.
Viconia: The Darthiir elgg'caress are expendable.
and barred helmets emitting scarlet plumes
Xan: Of gas or cloud?
Viconia: How would you know? You cannot cast those spells.
Deirdre: No, it was smoke! They were all high on Lotus!
enshrouding their heads.
Deirdre: So their heads are surrounded by red smoke. I rest my case.
The man rose
Minsc: Pretty flowers do not have genders. *puzzled frown*
from his throne to the dias surrounding it.
Viconia: A dais is a raised platform on which a throne rests.
Deirdre: But this is a dias, which is a floating thingy around a throne. If he rose to it, and it's surrounding the throne, what else could it be?
His plush turquois robe dangled loosely from his chuncky frame.
Deirdre: So he's fat and his robe is too big. What, is he wearing a tent?
Xan: What is ?turquois??
Ipsissimus: *teleports in again* It's French. It's pronounced ?tur-KWAH?
The soldiers surrounding Grignr fell to their knees with heads bowed to the stone masonry of the floor in fearful dignity to their sovereign, leige.
Deirdre: So he was a sovereign known as Leige. Any relation to King Lear?
"Explain the purpose of this intrusion upon my chateau!"
Ipsissimus: *reading from Pocketplane.net* ?Proof that Blue loves you!?
"Your sirenity,
Deirdre: ?Sir? plus ?entity,? naturally. In the one rule Jim Theis follows, he left out the other t.
resplendent in noble grandeur,
Xan: A type of clothing?
Deirdre: "New this year in Ecordian fashion statements--the Noble Grandeur! It's elegant, it's daring, it fits well on morbidly obese people."
we have brought this yokel
Deirdre: Yokel, barbarian, same difference.
before you (the soldier gestured toward Grignr)
Viconia (Leige): Did you just give him the finger?
for the redress
Viconia: You others are paranoid already. I need to say nothing.
or your all knowing wisdon
Deirdre: Yes, it's an either/or. Either we strip Grignr and put some clothes back on him, or you give us the All-Knowing Wisdon. Not much of a choice.
Viconia: I thought the pills were missing. No wonder you could force yourself to say that.
in judgement regarding his fate."
Xan: Would this Judge Ment rule sufficiently in our favor to release us?
"Down on your knees, lout, and pay proper homage to your sovereign!"
Deirdre: Unless Leige is the king of Ecordia, he's not Grignr's sovereign.
Viconia: *slaps her*
Deirdre: *blinks* What just happened?
Viconia: You had a small seizure. You seem to have enough knowledge of Theis' world to map out the politics.
Deirdre: Kill me. Now.
commanded the pudgy noble of Grignr.
Deirdre (Grignr): Yay me! I have a noble!
"By the surly beard of Mrifk,
Deirdre: Mrifk's beard needs to take its happy pills. *offers bottle* Here, everyone. They help.
Grignr kneels to no man!" scowled the massive barbarian.
Deirdre: Griggy-poo needs happy pills too. Oh! I made a rhyme! *giggles*
Viconia: *slaps her again* First of all, you have had far too many pills. Second, never call him that again.
Deirdre: Ohhhh...pretty colors... *passes out*
Irenicus: Heal her, Drow. She must not escape, even into her own mind.
Viconia: I have no plans to let her. *casts Heal*
Deirdre: My head...what just happened? The last few minutes are a total blank.
Xan: *sigh* I envy you.
"You dare to deal this blasphemous act to me!
Deirdre: *chanting* Blasphemy! Blasphemy! Blasphemy is not for me! Blasphemy! Blasphemy! There's no escaping blasphemy!
You are indeed brave stranger, yet your valor smacks of foolishness."
Viconia (valor): Ah. I see ?Of Foolishness.? *smacks it*
Deirdre: You stole my line.
Viconia: No wonder my statement was so pathetic.
"I find you to be the only fool, sitting upon your pompous throne,
Deirdre (throne): I rule all. I am the best, and all other thrones pale in comparison to me!
Viconia: Especially that Iron one.
Xan: Was that the Tiax throne?
enhancing the rolling flabs of your belly
Minsc: Boo says he has a spell of Flab Enhancement.
Xan: Tenser's Transformation, version one?
Deirdre: Flesh to fat?
Viconia: Polymorph to jelly?
in the midst of your elaborate luxuryand ..." The soldier standing at Grignr's side smote him heavily in the face with the flat of his sword,
Deirdre (soldier): I smote him heavily in the face
With the flat of my sword
Because King Leige, he told me too
And because I was quite bored.
Viconia: I am bored. Now someone tell me to smack Deirdre.
cutting short the harsh words
Deirdre (harsh words): But we wanted to be tall...
and knocking his battered helmet to the masonry with an echo-ing clang.
Deirdre: And the Freemasons wondered what the noise was.
Minsc: Boo does not think that that is what a Freemason is.
Xan: And Boo would know, of course.
The paunchy noble's sagging round face
Xan: If it is sagging, it is not that round.
Viconia:
Xan: Merciful Seldarine, stop it!
Viconia: Ahh...this is wonderful. I need but speak, and the darthiir flinches. In fact, I had nothing to say.
flushed suddenly pale, then pastily lit up
Deirdre: Lit up? Is his face glowing? Well, Sarevok had glowy eyes...
to a lustrous cherry red radiance. His lips trembled with malicious rage,
Viconia: For trembling lips always indicates malicious rage.
Deirdre: What is he, a Beshaban and a Tempusite?
while emitting a muffled sibilant gibberish.
Deirdre: Mffsss
Minsc: What was that?
Deirdre: Just trying the ?muffled sibilant gibberish? thing.
Viconia: *Gags her*
Deirdre: Mff, mfff mff mff mff. *gesticulating wildly* Mff mff mff! (translation: ?hey, what was that for? Get it off!?)
Xan: It is hopeless.
Viconia: I find this an improvement to her inane babble.
Deirdre: Out of luck, then. Can't trap a rogue for long, we always land on our feet. *ahem* I cannot be caged! I cannot be controlled! Understand this as you die--er, suffer, that is--ever pathetic, ever fools!
Irenicus: Shut up.
His sagging flabs rolled like a tub of upset jelly,
Deirdre: Slime obsession!
then compressed as he sucked in his gut in an attempt to conceal his softness.
Xan: Am I the only one who found the sentence vaguely nauseating?
Others: No.
The prince regained his statue, then spoke to the soldiers surrounding Grignr, his face conforming to an ugly expression of sadistic humor. "Take this uncouth heathen to the vault of misery, and be sure that his agonies are long and drawn out
Deirdre: *scribbles something* Look! Drawn-out agonies! At least, I drew them...
Viconia: What did you draw?
Deirdre: Grignr fanart.
Minsc: It is pretty, but it is just scribbles.
Deirdre: Um...As an elf, I have to draw the person inside. With Grignr, there isn't one.
before death can release him."
Death: IT WILL LAST A VERY LONG TIME, THEN. I'M CERTAINLY NOT TAKING HIM.
Deirdre: Another plot hole?
Irenicus: No. A force more powerful--the will of the author.
Deirdre: Irenicus? How did Death get here?
Irenicus: As he said. Through a plot hole.
Deirdre: What plot hole?
Irenicus: This work is full of them, godchild. Death noticed your plight, and arrived expecting to collect. His entrance created a plot hole in Discworld, and when he was finished here, he used it to leave.
Xan: In other words, no escape for us.
Irenicus: Not after the last time.
chapter 2, continued
the soldier's mouth wrinkled to a sadistic grin of knowing mirth
Minsc: Boo calls that a Grin +6 of Knowing Mirth [cursed].
as he prodded his prisoner on with his sword point.
Deirdre: Watch the alliteration, Theis! Prodding prisoners with points is pointlessly provocative.
After an indiscriminate
Viconia: They do not discriminate? Were this not the world of Jim Theis, I might consider a journey.
period of marching through slinking alleyways
Deirdre: Again with the creepy crawly things. First it's the writhing mouth, now it's slinking alleyways.
and dim moonlighted streets the procession confronted a massive seraglio.
Xan: The procession confronted it? Had this...seraglio...offended the procession?
Deirdre: My lore rating's 198 and I don't know what a seraglio is.
Xan: *casts Identify, which fizzles* We are doomed not to know.
The palace area was surrounded by an iron grating, with a lush garden upon all sides.
Deirdre: Up! Down! Left! Right!
Others: *stare*
Deirdre: Well, it said ?upon all sides.?
The group was admitted through the gilded gateway
Minsc: Boo's little eyes are glittering.
Xan: Wonderful. An avaricious hamster.
and Grignr was ledalong
Viconia: What is this word, ?ledalong??
Deirdre: Ledalong is Legolas' cousin. Grignr is roleplaying.
a stone pathway bordered by plush
Deirdre: Plush? Like a plush toy? I could use one of those now. *mutters* Rip, shred, tear, kill...
vegitation lustfully
All:
enhanced by the moon's shimmering rays.
Deirdre: I misread that as ?shimmying? and laughed like crazy.
Xan: There is no hope for you.
Others:
Xan: There is no hope for any of us. We're all doomed, Deirdre in particular.
Deirdre: That's the Xan we know and love.
Viconia: Who speaks for me?
Upon reaching the palace
Viconia: They are standing on an object known as ?reaching the palace??
the group was granted entrance,
Minsc: Why are they let in before explaining?
and after several minutes of explanation,
Deirdre (soldier 1): Psst. Where do we get killed?
Viconia (guard): Soon. Don't worry.
Deirdre (soldier): Whew. I was beginning to think I'd never get out.
led through several winding corridors
Deirdre: Were they in multiple places at once?
Xan: A Simulacrum spell?
Ipsissimus: No, it's the infinite summoning spell CLUAConsole:CreateCreature(?grignr?,999)
Viconia: I understood little of that, but one copy of the dimwitted jaluk is more than enough.
to a richly draped chamber.
Deirdre: Draped in...
Confronting the group was a short stocky man seated upona golden throne. Tapestries of richly draped regal blue silk covered all walls of the chamber,
Viconia: Regal blue silk, apparently.
Deirdre: That's just...wrong. You shouldn't use a word to refer to a room and then use it again to describe the decorations. You especially can't use the same phrase twice. *rubs forehead* My head hurts.
Viconia: *passes her a small bottle* Here. These help.
Xan: What is that?
Viconia: A mild painkiller. Why?
Xan: It is unfair that she should have some method of escape.
Viconia: It might keep her quiet.
while the steps leading to the throne were plated with sparkling white ivory.
Deirdre: Ildera isn't here, so I'll say this for her. Oooh...shiny.
The man upon the throne had a naked wench seated at each of his arms, and a trusted advisor seated in back of him.
Deirdre: *swallows several pills* It's still not making sense. I know the words, but I feel my head fuzzing up.
Viconia: *takes pill bottle back* Not so many at once.
Deirdre: Why? You just want the pills for yourself, don't you?
Viconia: Because they are mildly addictive, as you have just demonstrated, and too many will kill you.
Deirdre: In that case, give them back!
Viconia: You will not escape without us, and there are not enough pills in the bottle for all of us.
Deirdre: Suicide buddies?
At each cornwr
Minsc: What is this ?cornwr??
Ipsissimus: It's Welsh. Theis' idea of representing minorities.
of the chamber a guard stood at attention,
Deirdre: Guard. Location 1133x1531, also known as ?Attention.?
with upraised pikes supported in their hands,
Deirdre (guard): Pike, I will always support you.
Deirdre (pike): *sob* That's so beautiful.
Deirdre: Why am I doing this alone now?
Xan: The rest of us have already succumbed to despair.
Irenicus: You will engage in the story, or you will all suffer.
Xan: Suffer now, suffer later. What difference does it make? *sigh* Though putting off our inevitable demise for a while longer does sound appealing.
golden chainmail adorning their torso's
Minsc: Their torso's what, asks Boo.
Viconia: *grins* I have a few ideas. *whispers something to Xan*
Xan: *turns absolutely white and edges away*
Deirdre: Careful, Vicky. I think you broke the elf.
Viconia: The Darthiir elgg'caress are expendable.
and barred helmets emitting scarlet plumes
Xan: Of gas or cloud?
Viconia: How would you know? You cannot cast those spells.
Deirdre: No, it was smoke! They were all high on Lotus!
enshrouding their heads.
Deirdre: So their heads are surrounded by red smoke. I rest my case.
The man rose
Minsc: Pretty flowers do not have genders. *puzzled frown*
from his throne to the dias surrounding it.
Viconia: A dais is a raised platform on which a throne rests.
Deirdre: But this is a dias, which is a floating thingy around a throne. If he rose to it, and it's surrounding the throne, what else could it be?
His plush turquois robe dangled loosely from his chuncky frame.
Deirdre: So he's fat and his robe is too big. What, is he wearing a tent?
Xan: What is ?turquois??
Ipsissimus: *teleports in again* It's French. It's pronounced ?tur-KWAH?
The soldiers surrounding Grignr fell to their knees with heads bowed to the stone masonry of the floor in fearful dignity to their sovereign, leige.
Deirdre: So he was a sovereign known as Leige. Any relation to King Lear?
"Explain the purpose of this intrusion upon my chateau!"
Ipsissimus: *reading from Pocketplane.net* ?Proof that Blue loves you!?
"Your sirenity,
Deirdre: ?Sir? plus ?entity,? naturally. In the one rule Jim Theis follows, he left out the other t.
resplendent in noble grandeur,
Xan: A type of clothing?
Deirdre: "New this year in Ecordian fashion statements--the Noble Grandeur! It's elegant, it's daring, it fits well on morbidly obese people."
we have brought this yokel
Deirdre: Yokel, barbarian, same difference.
before you (the soldier gestured toward Grignr)
Viconia (Leige): Did you just give him the finger?
for the redress
Viconia: You others are paranoid already. I need to say nothing.
or your all knowing wisdon
Deirdre: Yes, it's an either/or. Either we strip Grignr and put some clothes back on him, or you give us the All-Knowing Wisdon. Not much of a choice.
Viconia: I thought the pills were missing. No wonder you could force yourself to say that.
in judgement regarding his fate."
Xan: Would this Judge Ment rule sufficiently in our favor to release us?
"Down on your knees, lout, and pay proper homage to your sovereign!"
Deirdre: Unless Leige is the king of Ecordia, he's not Grignr's sovereign.
Viconia: *slaps her*
Deirdre: *blinks* What just happened?
Viconia: You had a small seizure. You seem to have enough knowledge of Theis' world to map out the politics.
Deirdre: Kill me. Now.
commanded the pudgy noble of Grignr.
Deirdre (Grignr): Yay me! I have a noble!
"By the surly beard of Mrifk,
Deirdre: Mrifk's beard needs to take its happy pills. *offers bottle* Here, everyone. They help.
Grignr kneels to no man!" scowled the massive barbarian.
Deirdre: Griggy-poo needs happy pills too. Oh! I made a rhyme! *giggles*
Viconia: *slaps her again* First of all, you have had far too many pills. Second, never call him that again.
Deirdre: Ohhhh...pretty colors... *passes out*
Irenicus: Heal her, Drow. She must not escape, even into her own mind.
Viconia: I have no plans to let her. *casts Heal*
Deirdre: My head...what just happened? The last few minutes are a total blank.
Xan: *sigh* I envy you.
"You dare to deal this blasphemous act to me!
Deirdre: *chanting* Blasphemy! Blasphemy! Blasphemy is not for me! Blasphemy! Blasphemy! There's no escaping blasphemy!
You are indeed brave stranger, yet your valor smacks of foolishness."
Viconia (valor): Ah. I see ?Of Foolishness.? *smacks it*
Deirdre: You stole my line.
Viconia: No wonder my statement was so pathetic.
"I find you to be the only fool, sitting upon your pompous throne,
Deirdre (throne): I rule all. I am the best, and all other thrones pale in comparison to me!
Viconia: Especially that Iron one.
Xan: Was that the Tiax throne?
enhancing the rolling flabs of your belly
Minsc: Boo says he has a spell of Flab Enhancement.
Xan: Tenser's Transformation, version one?
Deirdre: Flesh to fat?
Viconia: Polymorph to jelly?
in the midst of your elaborate luxuryand ..." The soldier standing at Grignr's side smote him heavily in the face with the flat of his sword,
Deirdre (soldier): I smote him heavily in the face
With the flat of my sword
Because King Leige, he told me too
And because I was quite bored.
Viconia: I am bored. Now someone tell me to smack Deirdre.
cutting short the harsh words
Deirdre (harsh words): But we wanted to be tall...
and knocking his battered helmet to the masonry with an echo-ing clang.
Deirdre: And the Freemasons wondered what the noise was.
Minsc: Boo does not think that that is what a Freemason is.
Xan: And Boo would know, of course.
The paunchy noble's sagging round face
Xan: If it is sagging, it is not that round.
Viconia:
Xan: Merciful Seldarine, stop it!
Viconia: Ahh...this is wonderful. I need but speak, and the darthiir flinches. In fact, I had nothing to say.
flushed suddenly pale, then pastily lit up
Deirdre: Lit up? Is his face glowing? Well, Sarevok had glowy eyes...
to a lustrous cherry red radiance. His lips trembled with malicious rage,
Viconia: For trembling lips always indicates malicious rage.
Deirdre: What is he, a Beshaban and a Tempusite?
while emitting a muffled sibilant gibberish.
Deirdre: Mffsss
Minsc: What was that?
Deirdre: Just trying the ?muffled sibilant gibberish? thing.
Viconia: *Gags her*
Deirdre: Mff, mfff mff mff mff. *gesticulating wildly* Mff mff mff! (translation: ?hey, what was that for? Get it off!?)
Xan: It is hopeless.
Viconia: I find this an improvement to her inane babble.
Deirdre: Out of luck, then. Can't trap a rogue for long, we always land on our feet. *ahem* I cannot be caged! I cannot be controlled! Understand this as you die--er, suffer, that is--ever pathetic, ever fools!
Irenicus: Shut up.
His sagging flabs rolled like a tub of upset jelly,
Deirdre: Slime obsession!
then compressed as he sucked in his gut in an attempt to conceal his softness.
Xan: Am I the only one who found the sentence vaguely nauseating?
Others: No.
The prince regained his statue, then spoke to the soldiers surrounding Grignr, his face conforming to an ugly expression of sadistic humor. "Take this uncouth heathen to the vault of misery, and be sure that his agonies are long and drawn out
Deirdre: *scribbles something* Look! Drawn-out agonies! At least, I drew them...
Viconia: What did you draw?
Deirdre: Grignr fanart.
Minsc: It is pretty, but it is just scribbles.
Deirdre: Um...As an elf, I have to draw the person inside. With Grignr, there isn't one.
before death can release him."
Death: IT WILL LAST A VERY LONG TIME, THEN. I'M CERTAINLY NOT TAKING HIM.
Deirdre: Another plot hole?
Irenicus: No. A force more powerful--the will of the author.
And the mirror, it reflects a tiny dancing skeleton, surrounded by a fleshy overcoat and swaddled in
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
#4
Ipsissimus
-
- Member
- 356 posts
[Insert witty statement]
Posted 05 December 2009 - 04:12 PM
The final installment of chapter 2.
"As you wish sire, your command shall be heeded immediately," answered the soldier on the right of Grignr as he stared into the barbarians seemingly unaffected face.
Deirdre: So he's a barbarian who makes careful decisions, and he lies with his face. That makes him a barbarian/cleric/bard.
All: GARY STU!
Deirdre: ...which rhymes with ?Griggy-poo.?
Viconia: How did you get the pills back?
Deirdre: Pickpocketing, FOR THE WIN! *blinks* I don't even know what that meant.
The advisor seated in the back of the noble
Deirdre: I have this image of a little window in the noble's back, with the adviser visible behind it.
slowly rose
Viconia: To build tension, no doubt.
and advanced to the side of his master,
Deirdre: That being a more technologically progressed stage
motioning the wenches seated at his sides to remove themselves.
Viconia: What? ?Wenches, remove yourselves??
Deirdre: Divide by zero error?they can't remove themselves!
He lowered his head and whispered to the noble.
Deirdre (Adviser): Sir, we should have the barbarian dressed first. He is causing severe mental anguish simply through his existence.
"Eminence,
Viconia: Bootlicker.
Xan: He was first addressed as ?Leige,? and now he is ?Eminence.?
Deirdre: The sovereign formerly known as ?Leige.?
the punishment you have decreed will cause much misery to this scum,
Deirdre: Hey! Slime discrimination.
yet it will last only a short time, then release him to a land beyond the sufferings of the human body.
Xan: Theis is not going to describe an afterlife? I am grateful. *sigh* They say the smallest blessings count.
Why not mellow him in one of the subterranean vaults for a few days, then send him to life labor
Deirdre: Life Labor, it's a happy little prison city.
in one of your buried mines.
Minsc: If the mine is buried, are they doing work to find it?
To one such as he, a life spent in the confinement of the stygian pits
Viconia: Keep those stygian pits controlled there, Grignr. *blinks* I did not realize the tone of that until I said it.
Deirdre: Viconia didn't spot a double entendre? This is getting to her!
Viconia: Not a double entendre. Merely an unintended meaning.
Deirdre: Yeah, because no one in their right mind references Grignr's underarms.
will be an infinitely more appropiate and lasting torture." The noble cupped his drooping double chin in the folds of his briming palm,
Deirdre (Leige Eminence): I'm melting!
Viconia: What does it meant that his palm is briming?
meditating for a moment upon the rationality of the councilor's word's, then raised his shaggy brown eyebrows
Deirdre: Fluffy! Ripper! Up!
and turned toward the advisor, eyes aglow.
Deirdre: Another Bhaalspawn?
Viconia: No. A Loviatari, causing pain simply through his existence.
Minsc: Boo thinks we used that already.
"...As always Agafnd,
Deirdre: *snrk* It's sort of funny, but I don't want to dignify it with a proper laugh.
you speak with great wisdom.
Viconia (Agafnd): Great Wisdom, how have you fared?
Your words ring of great knowledge concerning the nature of one such as he ,"
Deirdre: They've used that phrase twice. Grignr is now ?the barbarian formerly known as Grignr.?
Xan: We used that one already.
sayeth , the king.
Deirdre:
How dare he use the high speech! RRRAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!
Irenicus: *writing* Subject 1b appears to be growing claws.
Minsc: Little Deirdre, it is all right to be upset, but you do not need to take it out on the walls.
Viconia: Or your head. *smirk* Irenicus may not allow you healing a second time, and then where will you be?
The noble turned toward the prisoner with a noticable shimmer reflecting in his frog-like eyes,
Deirdre: I thought his eyes were glowing. I'm disappointed.
and his lips contorting to a greasy grin.
Viconia: Tsk, tsk. Wipe your mouth, jaluk.
"I have decided to void my previous decree. The prisoner shall be removed to one of the palaces
Deirdre (Grignr): Hooray!
underground vaults.
Deirdre (Grignr): Damn.
There he shall stay until I have decided that he has sufficiently simmered,
Deirdre: ?Take one Ecordian and place him in a pot. Add saffron, mint, and ginger, and place over a fire until it has simmered for five minutes.?
Viconia: A good idea, to boil him slowly. But who would eat him?
Deirdre: Ohh, I might. Werewolves get hungry. Besides, it would mean that he wouldn't be around to cause problems.
Xan: I applaud your selflessness. Eating the monster would probably kill you.
whereupon he is to be allowed to spend the remainder of his days at labor in one of my mines."
Deirdre: It said ?at labor.? I misread that as ?in labor.? Dear gods, the image of little baby Grignrs popping out just won't go away now.
Upon hearing this, Grignr realized that his fate would be far less merciful than death to one such as he, who is used to roaming the countryside at will. A life of confinement would be more than his body and mind could stand up to.
Deirdre: *snarl* How do you think I feel? Trapped here again because my sicko scribe thought it would be funny! Just imagine how my claustrophobic little sister felt?she's used to flying! You self-satisfied, obnoxious, wimpy little would-be meatshield!
Viconia: *raises eyebrows* An interesting array of curses. Try this: Verin, yibin lotha orn'la tlu vlees kulggen.
Deirdre: You said basically what I said.
Viconia: Ah, but it was in Drow.
This type of life would be immeasurably worse than death.
Deirdre: Well, that's GOOD TO KNOW!
Viconia: *casts Hold Person* Ah. The dead magic zone is gone.
Irenicus: Temporarily disabled, and only for clerical powers.
?I shall never understand the ways if your twisted civilization. I simply defend my honor
Deirdre: Help! PALADIN ALERT!
Xan: I have noticed that you have an unreasoning hatred of paladins. Is there a reason?
Deirdre: Welllll...a while back there was an interesting little...what would you call it? A love square, I guess. Created a lot of problems. It would have been a lot less painful for everyone if Ajantis hadn't been there.
and am condemned to life confinement, by a pig who sits on his royal ass wooing whores,
Viconia: Why bother wooing them? All you need to do is pay them.
and knows nothing of the affairs of the land he imagines to rule!" Lectures Grignr ?
Deirdre (Grignr): *grunt* Hello, class. Today we will be discussing ?Civilization and its Discontents.?
"Enough of this! Away with the slut before I loose my control!"
Viconia: I thought Leige was the one ?wooing whores.?
Seeing the peril of his position,
Deirdre: Is that like ?the courage of your convictions??
Grignr searched for an opening.
Deirdre: He wanted to find a mousehole. He was hungry.
Minsc: Stop that! You are scaring Boo!
Crushing prudence to the sward,
Deirdre: A sward being a wide grassy area. So he stepped on it? Aww...poor Prudence.
he plowed into the soldier at his left arm taking hold of his sword,
Xan: I cannot tell whether Grignr or the soldier is holding the sword.
Viconia: *smirk*
Xan: Stop that!
and bounding to the dias supporting the prince
Deirdre: Yes, it is clearly a floating platform of some sort.
before the startled guards could regain their composure. Agafnd leaped Grignr and his sire,
Minsc: His father was there?
but found a sword blade permeating the length of his ribs
Deirdre: That's...a very weird attack. Shouldn't it be going through his ribs?
before he could loosed his weapon.
Deirdre: Tense change! AAAAHHH!
The councilor slumped to his knees
Viconia: He is a flexible one.
as Grignr slid his crimsoned blade from Agfnd's rib cage. The fat prince stood undulating
Deirdre: Slime obsession.
in insurmountable fear before the edge of the fiery maned comet,
Deirdre & Viconia: What the dosib uoi'nota? (f*cking hell)
Xan: Yes, where did the comet come from?
his flabs of jellied blubber pulsating to and fro in ripples of flowing terror.
Deirdre: Slime--
Viconia: *covers her mouth* Do not say it. I know it, you know it, Irenicus knows it because you have just said it. Ouch!
Minsc: Are you hurt?
Viconia: The waele ligrr bit me! (idiot girl)
Deirdre: *grin*
"Where is your wisdom and power now, your magjesty?" Growled Grignr.
Deirdre: Leige got renamed again?
The prince went rigid as Grignr discerned him glazing over his shoulder.
Deirdre: Yes, he was making doughnuts.
Xan: The barbarbian or the noble?
Deirdre: Um...I can't tell.
He swlived to note the cause of the noble's attention,
Viconia: I had not realized that the na'caroth could write. (translation: barbarian)
raised his sword over his head, and prepared to leash a vicious downward cleft,
Minsc: Upon himself?
Xan: One would hope so.
Viconia: Hope? You?
but fell short as the haft of a steel rimed pike
Deirdre: Is that like being rimed with frost? That must be some pretty fragile steel, then.
clashed against his unguarded skull.
Minsc: The words were saying that he had a helmet earlier.
Viconia: This story has less sense than the imbecile ranger.
Then blackness and solitude.
Deirdre: BUT you're never alone with me, myself and I!
Viconia: Am I the only sane one left?
Xan: No.
Viconia: Darthiir, you do not count. You flinch each time I speak.
Silence enshrouding and ever peaceful reind supreme.
Deirdre: I thought Leige Eminence was the king here.
"Before me, sirrah! Before me as always! Ha, Ha Ha, Haaaa...", nobly cackled.
All: ?
Deirdre: There is so much wrong with that sentence, I don't even know where to start.
Xan: How might one ?cackle nobly??
Minsc: Who is talking?
Viconia: It looks as though the speaker is bleating, not laughing.
Deirdre: The grammar...the grammar. *shouting* Vith'os, Theis! Dos lu' dosst waele statha!
Viconia: My, my. Such vehemence. But good luck finding someone willing to.
Deirdre: *sobs hysterically, and starts banging her head against the wall*
That's all for chapter 2. Soon we move on to chapter 3...the Revenge of the Pit. Yes, beware of pits, for Rodents of Unusual Size lurk in their depths.
"As you wish sire, your command shall be heeded immediately," answered the soldier on the right of Grignr as he stared into the barbarians seemingly unaffected face.
Deirdre: So he's a barbarian who makes careful decisions, and he lies with his face. That makes him a barbarian/cleric/bard.
All: GARY STU!
Deirdre: ...which rhymes with ?Griggy-poo.?
Viconia: How did you get the pills back?
Deirdre: Pickpocketing, FOR THE WIN! *blinks* I don't even know what that meant.
The advisor seated in the back of the noble
Deirdre: I have this image of a little window in the noble's back, with the adviser visible behind it.
slowly rose
Viconia: To build tension, no doubt.
and advanced to the side of his master,
Deirdre: That being a more technologically progressed stage
motioning the wenches seated at his sides to remove themselves.
Viconia: What? ?Wenches, remove yourselves??
Deirdre: Divide by zero error?they can't remove themselves!
He lowered his head and whispered to the noble.
Deirdre (Adviser): Sir, we should have the barbarian dressed first. He is causing severe mental anguish simply through his existence.
"Eminence,
Viconia: Bootlicker.
Xan: He was first addressed as ?Leige,? and now he is ?Eminence.?
Deirdre: The sovereign formerly known as ?Leige.?
the punishment you have decreed will cause much misery to this scum,
Deirdre: Hey! Slime discrimination.
yet it will last only a short time, then release him to a land beyond the sufferings of the human body.
Xan: Theis is not going to describe an afterlife? I am grateful. *sigh* They say the smallest blessings count.
Why not mellow him in one of the subterranean vaults for a few days, then send him to life labor
Deirdre: Life Labor, it's a happy little prison city.
in one of your buried mines.
Minsc: If the mine is buried, are they doing work to find it?
To one such as he, a life spent in the confinement of the stygian pits
Viconia: Keep those stygian pits controlled there, Grignr. *blinks* I did not realize the tone of that until I said it.
Deirdre: Viconia didn't spot a double entendre? This is getting to her!
Viconia: Not a double entendre. Merely an unintended meaning.
Deirdre: Yeah, because no one in their right mind references Grignr's underarms.
will be an infinitely more appropiate and lasting torture." The noble cupped his drooping double chin in the folds of his briming palm,
Deirdre (Leige Eminence): I'm melting!
Viconia: What does it meant that his palm is briming?
meditating for a moment upon the rationality of the councilor's word's, then raised his shaggy brown eyebrows
Deirdre: Fluffy! Ripper! Up!
and turned toward the advisor, eyes aglow.
Deirdre: Another Bhaalspawn?
Viconia: No. A Loviatari, causing pain simply through his existence.
Minsc: Boo thinks we used that already.
"...As always Agafnd,
Deirdre: *snrk* It's sort of funny, but I don't want to dignify it with a proper laugh.
you speak with great wisdom.
Viconia (Agafnd): Great Wisdom, how have you fared?
Your words ring of great knowledge concerning the nature of one such as he ,"
Deirdre: They've used that phrase twice. Grignr is now ?the barbarian formerly known as Grignr.?
Xan: We used that one already.
sayeth , the king.
Deirdre:
How dare he use the high speech! RRRAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!Irenicus: *writing* Subject 1b appears to be growing claws.
Minsc: Little Deirdre, it is all right to be upset, but you do not need to take it out on the walls.
Viconia: Or your head. *smirk* Irenicus may not allow you healing a second time, and then where will you be?
The noble turned toward the prisoner with a noticable shimmer reflecting in his frog-like eyes,
Deirdre: I thought his eyes were glowing. I'm disappointed.
and his lips contorting to a greasy grin.
Viconia: Tsk, tsk. Wipe your mouth, jaluk.
"I have decided to void my previous decree. The prisoner shall be removed to one of the palaces
Deirdre (Grignr): Hooray!
underground vaults.
Deirdre (Grignr): Damn.
There he shall stay until I have decided that he has sufficiently simmered,
Deirdre: ?Take one Ecordian and place him in a pot. Add saffron, mint, and ginger, and place over a fire until it has simmered for five minutes.?
Viconia: A good idea, to boil him slowly. But who would eat him?
Deirdre: Ohh, I might. Werewolves get hungry. Besides, it would mean that he wouldn't be around to cause problems.
Xan: I applaud your selflessness. Eating the monster would probably kill you.
whereupon he is to be allowed to spend the remainder of his days at labor in one of my mines."
Deirdre: It said ?at labor.? I misread that as ?in labor.? Dear gods, the image of little baby Grignrs popping out just won't go away now.
Upon hearing this, Grignr realized that his fate would be far less merciful than death to one such as he, who is used to roaming the countryside at will. A life of confinement would be more than his body and mind could stand up to.
Deirdre: *snarl* How do you think I feel? Trapped here again because my sicko scribe thought it would be funny! Just imagine how my claustrophobic little sister felt?she's used to flying! You self-satisfied, obnoxious, wimpy little would-be meatshield!
Viconia: *raises eyebrows* An interesting array of curses. Try this: Verin, yibin lotha orn'la tlu vlees kulggen.
Deirdre: You said basically what I said.
Viconia: Ah, but it was in Drow.
This type of life would be immeasurably worse than death.
Deirdre: Well, that's GOOD TO KNOW!
Viconia: *casts Hold Person* Ah. The dead magic zone is gone.
Irenicus: Temporarily disabled, and only for clerical powers.
?I shall never understand the ways if your twisted civilization. I simply defend my honor
Deirdre: Help! PALADIN ALERT!
Xan: I have noticed that you have an unreasoning hatred of paladins. Is there a reason?
Deirdre: Welllll...a while back there was an interesting little...what would you call it? A love square, I guess. Created a lot of problems. It would have been a lot less painful for everyone if Ajantis hadn't been there.
and am condemned to life confinement, by a pig who sits on his royal ass wooing whores,
Viconia: Why bother wooing them? All you need to do is pay them.
and knows nothing of the affairs of the land he imagines to rule!" Lectures Grignr ?
Deirdre (Grignr): *grunt* Hello, class. Today we will be discussing ?Civilization and its Discontents.?
"Enough of this! Away with the slut before I loose my control!"
Viconia: I thought Leige was the one ?wooing whores.?
Seeing the peril of his position,
Deirdre: Is that like ?the courage of your convictions??
Grignr searched for an opening.
Deirdre: He wanted to find a mousehole. He was hungry.
Minsc: Stop that! You are scaring Boo!
Crushing prudence to the sward,
Deirdre: A sward being a wide grassy area. So he stepped on it? Aww...poor Prudence.
he plowed into the soldier at his left arm taking hold of his sword,
Xan: I cannot tell whether Grignr or the soldier is holding the sword.
Viconia: *smirk*
Xan: Stop that!
and bounding to the dias supporting the prince
Deirdre: Yes, it is clearly a floating platform of some sort.
before the startled guards could regain their composure. Agafnd leaped Grignr and his sire,
Minsc: His father was there?
but found a sword blade permeating the length of his ribs
Deirdre: That's...a very weird attack. Shouldn't it be going through his ribs?
before he could loosed his weapon.
Deirdre: Tense change! AAAAHHH!
The councilor slumped to his knees
Viconia: He is a flexible one.
as Grignr slid his crimsoned blade from Agfnd's rib cage. The fat prince stood undulating
Deirdre: Slime obsession.
in insurmountable fear before the edge of the fiery maned comet,
Deirdre & Viconia: What the dosib uoi'nota? (f*cking hell)
Xan: Yes, where did the comet come from?
his flabs of jellied blubber pulsating to and fro in ripples of flowing terror.
Deirdre: Slime--
Viconia: *covers her mouth* Do not say it. I know it, you know it, Irenicus knows it because you have just said it. Ouch!
Minsc: Are you hurt?
Viconia: The waele ligrr bit me! (idiot girl)
Deirdre: *grin*
"Where is your wisdom and power now, your magjesty?" Growled Grignr.
Deirdre: Leige got renamed again?
The prince went rigid as Grignr discerned him glazing over his shoulder.
Deirdre: Yes, he was making doughnuts.
Xan: The barbarbian or the noble?
Deirdre: Um...I can't tell.
He swlived to note the cause of the noble's attention,
Viconia: I had not realized that the na'caroth could write. (translation: barbarian)
raised his sword over his head, and prepared to leash a vicious downward cleft,
Minsc: Upon himself?
Xan: One would hope so.
Viconia: Hope? You?
but fell short as the haft of a steel rimed pike
Deirdre: Is that like being rimed with frost? That must be some pretty fragile steel, then.
clashed against his unguarded skull.
Minsc: The words were saying that he had a helmet earlier.
Viconia: This story has less sense than the imbecile ranger.
Then blackness and solitude.
Deirdre: BUT you're never alone with me, myself and I!
Viconia: Am I the only sane one left?
Xan: No.
Viconia: Darthiir, you do not count. You flinch each time I speak.
Silence enshrouding and ever peaceful reind supreme.
Deirdre: I thought Leige Eminence was the king here.
"Before me, sirrah! Before me as always! Ha, Ha Ha, Haaaa...", nobly cackled.
All: ?
Deirdre: There is so much wrong with that sentence, I don't even know where to start.
Xan: How might one ?cackle nobly??
Minsc: Who is talking?
Viconia: It looks as though the speaker is bleating, not laughing.
Deirdre: The grammar...the grammar. *shouting* Vith'os, Theis! Dos lu' dosst waele statha!
Viconia: My, my. Such vehemence. But good luck finding someone willing to.
Deirdre: *sobs hysterically, and starts banging her head against the wall*
That's all for chapter 2. Soon we move on to chapter 3...the Revenge of the Pit. Yes, beware of pits, for Rodents of Unusual Size lurk in their depths.
And the mirror, it reflects a tiny dancing skeleton, surrounded by a fleshy overcoat and swaddled in
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
#5
Ipsissimus
-
- Member
- 356 posts
[Insert witty statement]
Posted 05 December 2009 - 10:23 PM
The gang's all here...with considerably more than a ?dose? of insanity.
Xzar: Eek! Mommy, the bunnies have us!
Edwina: This two-bit mage is no match for Edwina Odesseiron (and there will be fireballs for anyone who thinks otherwise, oh yes indeed).
Tiax: One day TIAX will lock people in cages!
Deirdre: Am I the only sane one here? *wide-eyed* NO!
Consciousness returned to Grignr in stygmatic pools as his mind gradually cleared of the cobwebs
Xzar: No, no. You can't put cobwebs in minds, can you mommy?
Edwina (Xzar's mother): No, sweetie, you can't.
Tiax: If Tiax says, so shall it be! One day, he shall festoon all minds with cobwebs!
cluttering its inner recesses,
Deirdre: Too easy.
Edwina: I find myself agreeing.
yet the stygian cloud of charcoal ebony
Deirdre: ...so he stuck a burnt twig in his ear?
remained. An incompatible shield of blackness,
Edwina: Did the idiot blind himself?
Deirdre: Of course. He stabbed himself with a twig.
enhanced by the bleak abscense of sound.
Xzar: Heehee, got his ear too.
Grignr's muddled brain
Deirdre: *whispers* Watch this. *louder* No one's brain is as muddled as Grignr's.
Tiax: Tiax shall not be tricked! None equal Tiax in his astuteness, and now you, bard, will suffer! One day, Tiax will rule all, and you will sing of his
greatness until your throat is sore!
Edwina: A pity. I almost believed that would work (though of course, I could have tricked him).
reeled from the shock of the blow he had recieved to the base of his skull.
Deirdre: Yeah, because a dragon hit him.
Xzar: *jumps* DRAGONS?!
Deirdre: Yep.
Xzar: With...with rabbit feet, mommy?
Deirdre: What other kind could it have been?
Xzar: *whimpers*
Deirdre: That worked. Xzar is so wonderfully predictable.
The events leading to his predicament were slow to filter back to him.
Edwina: Naturally, the events wanted nothing to do with this simian.
He dickered
Deirdre: Word choice, please!
with the notion that he was dead and had descended or sunk, however it may be, to the shadowed land beyond the the aperature of the grave,
Xzar: Oooh, I hope so.
Deirdre: Why?
Xzar: I'm running short on zombies.
but rejected this hypothesis
Deirdre (Grignr): I can do science me!
Edwina: I reject your reality, and substitute my own (because my reality is, of course, superior).
when his memory sifted back within his grips. This was not the land of the dead, it was something infinitely more precarious than anything the grave could offer.
Deirdre: Oh, I don't know about that. With this nutcase around, death isn't safe either.
Xzar: I'll have you know that I dig up bodies because sticking them in the ground is icky. *coos* And the flower fairies don't like that, do they?
Deirdre: I wish I could believe that.
Death promised an infinity of peace, not the finite misery of an inactive life of confined torture, forever
Edwina: A contradiction in terms. Finite misery cannot be forever (though I would not expect this idiot of an author to realize that).
Tiax: When TIAX rules, all scribes will write only of his greatness!
Deirdre: That's consistent, at least.
concealed from the life bearing shafts
Deirdre: Theis' version of the storks, apparently. Someone needs a little lesson on the birds and the bees.
Edwina: I shudder to think how he could remain ignorant of the famous Erotic Onslaught.
Deirdre: Oh, now I'm shuddering. Hearing Edwin say that was annoying, but hearing Edwina say that is disturbing.
of the beloved rising sun. The orb that had been before taken for granted,
Edwina: *blows whistle* Passive voice!
Xzar: Oh mommy, whatever do we do?
Irenicus: Keep reading. You can do no other.
yet now cherished above all else.
Deirdre: Grignr, sweetie, if you love something, you have to let it go.
To be forever refused further glimpses of the snow capped summits of the land of his birth, never again to witness the thrill of plundering unexplored lands beyond the crest of a bleeding horizon,
Xzar: A bleeding horizon? Aww, give it a band-aid.
Deirdre: I didn't know you broke the fourth wall too.
Xzar: A fringe benefit of insanity.
and perhaps worst of all the denial to ever again encompass the lustful excitement of caressing the naked curves of the body of a trim yound wench.
Tiax: Never again to hear forty thousand minions singing praises in his name.
Deirdre: Tiax, he doesn't have forty thousand minions.
Tiax: But Tiax misses his own minions. *sniff*
Deirdre: Oh, just leave him. He's insane, but he's happy. *looks around* And the same could be said of almost everyone here.
Edwina: Everyone but me, no doubt.
Deirdre: I repeat what I said.
This was indeed one of the buried chasms of Hell
Deirdre: Been there, done that, didn't buy the t-shirt.
concealed within the inner depths of the palace's despised interior.
Xzar: How do they fit it there?
A fearful ebony chamber devised to drive to the brinks of insanity the minds of the unfortunately condemned,
Deirdre: *singing* Poor unfortunate souls! In pain...in need
Edwina: *singing* And do I help them? Oh yes indeed!
through the inapt solitude of a limbo of listless dreary silence.
Tiax: Tiax suspects that the scribe meant inept. All are inept when compared to Tiax!
This one's short, but only because Theis divided it into 3 and 3 1/2. Any suggestions on who to torture next, people?
Xzar: Eek! Mommy, the bunnies have us!
Edwina: This two-bit mage is no match for Edwina Odesseiron (and there will be fireballs for anyone who thinks otherwise, oh yes indeed).
Tiax: One day TIAX will lock people in cages!
Deirdre: Am I the only sane one here? *wide-eyed* NO!
-3-
Consciousness returned to Grignr in stygmatic pools as his mind gradually cleared of the cobwebs
Xzar: No, no. You can't put cobwebs in minds, can you mommy?
Edwina (Xzar's mother): No, sweetie, you can't.
Tiax: If Tiax says, so shall it be! One day, he shall festoon all minds with cobwebs!
cluttering its inner recesses,
Deirdre: Too easy.
Edwina: I find myself agreeing.
yet the stygian cloud of charcoal ebony
Deirdre: ...so he stuck a burnt twig in his ear?
remained. An incompatible shield of blackness,
Edwina: Did the idiot blind himself?
Deirdre: Of course. He stabbed himself with a twig.
enhanced by the bleak abscense of sound.
Xzar: Heehee, got his ear too.
Grignr's muddled brain
Deirdre: *whispers* Watch this. *louder* No one's brain is as muddled as Grignr's.
Tiax: Tiax shall not be tricked! None equal Tiax in his astuteness, and now you, bard, will suffer! One day, Tiax will rule all, and you will sing of his
greatness until your throat is sore!
Edwina: A pity. I almost believed that would work (though of course, I could have tricked him).
reeled from the shock of the blow he had recieved to the base of his skull.
Deirdre: Yeah, because a dragon hit him.
Xzar: *jumps* DRAGONS?!
Deirdre: Yep.
Xzar: With...with rabbit feet, mommy?
Deirdre: What other kind could it have been?
Xzar: *whimpers*
Deirdre: That worked. Xzar is so wonderfully predictable.
The events leading to his predicament were slow to filter back to him.
Edwina: Naturally, the events wanted nothing to do with this simian.
He dickered
Deirdre:
Word choice, please!with the notion that he was dead and had descended or sunk, however it may be, to the shadowed land beyond the the aperature of the grave,
Xzar: Oooh, I hope so.
Deirdre: Why?
Xzar: I'm running short on zombies.
but rejected this hypothesis
Deirdre (Grignr): I can do science me!
Edwina: I reject your reality, and substitute my own (because my reality is, of course, superior).
when his memory sifted back within his grips. This was not the land of the dead, it was something infinitely more precarious than anything the grave could offer.
Deirdre: Oh, I don't know about that. With this nutcase around, death isn't safe either.
Xzar: I'll have you know that I dig up bodies because sticking them in the ground is icky. *coos* And the flower fairies don't like that, do they?
Deirdre: I wish I could believe that.
Death promised an infinity of peace, not the finite misery of an inactive life of confined torture, forever
Edwina: A contradiction in terms. Finite misery cannot be forever (though I would not expect this idiot of an author to realize that).
Tiax: When TIAX rules, all scribes will write only of his greatness!
Deirdre: That's consistent, at least.
concealed from the life bearing shafts
Deirdre: Theis' version of the storks, apparently. Someone needs a little lesson on the birds and the bees.
Edwina: I shudder to think how he could remain ignorant of the famous Erotic Onslaught.
Deirdre: Oh, now I'm shuddering. Hearing Edwin say that was annoying, but hearing Edwina say that is disturbing.
of the beloved rising sun. The orb that had been before taken for granted,
Edwina: *blows whistle* Passive voice!
Xzar: Oh mommy, whatever do we do?
Irenicus: Keep reading. You can do no other.
yet now cherished above all else.
Deirdre: Grignr, sweetie, if you love something, you have to let it go.
To be forever refused further glimpses of the snow capped summits of the land of his birth, never again to witness the thrill of plundering unexplored lands beyond the crest of a bleeding horizon,
Xzar: A bleeding horizon? Aww, give it a band-aid.
Deirdre: I didn't know you broke the fourth wall too.
Xzar: A fringe benefit of insanity.
and perhaps worst of all the denial to ever again encompass the lustful excitement of caressing the naked curves of the body of a trim yound wench.
Tiax: Never again to hear forty thousand minions singing praises in his name.
Deirdre: Tiax, he doesn't have forty thousand minions.
Tiax: But Tiax misses his own minions. *sniff*
Deirdre: Oh, just leave him. He's insane, but he's happy. *looks around* And the same could be said of almost everyone here.
Edwina: Everyone but me, no doubt.
Deirdre: I repeat what I said.
This was indeed one of the buried chasms of Hell
Deirdre: Been there, done that, didn't buy the t-shirt.
concealed within the inner depths of the palace's despised interior.
Xzar: How do they fit it there?
A fearful ebony chamber devised to drive to the brinks of insanity the minds of the unfortunately condemned,
Deirdre: *singing* Poor unfortunate souls! In pain...in need
Edwina: *singing* And do I help them? Oh yes indeed!
through the inapt solitude of a limbo of listless dreary silence.
Tiax: Tiax suspects that the scribe meant inept. All are inept when compared to Tiax!
This one's short, but only because Theis divided it into 3 and 3 1/2. Any suggestions on who to torture next, people?
And the mirror, it reflects a tiny dancing skeleton, surrounded by a fleshy overcoat and swaddled in
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
#6
Ipsissimus
-
- Member
- 356 posts
[Insert witty statement]
Posted 06 December 2009 - 04:15 PM
Edwina: I am sure I can sustain whatever this incompetent can dish out.
Viconia: Hello, little wingless darthiir.
Aerie: Eek! *scoots away* W-why me?
Xzar: I WANT MY MOMMY!
A tightly rung
Aerie: I-is it a bell, then?
elliptical circle or torches
Edwina: Make up your mind, simian.
cast their wavering shafts prancing morbidly
Viconia: *snort* A contradiction in terms.
Xzar: Morbidly...oooh. *giggles*
Aerie: If...if anyone could prance morbidly, he could.
over the smooth surface of a rectangular, ridged alter.
Edwina: And another. A thing cannot be smooth and ridged.
Viconia: Unless Theis is merely being unclear again.
Edwina: Ah. Never mind.
Expertly chisled
Aerie: What's ?chisleing?
Edwina: It refers to the removal of the wings of the rare Avariel Whinepigeon.
Aerie: That's?that's just mean! B-besides, we're on equal terms now, right, Irenicus?
Irenicus: The little bird grows a spine. But she is right, Red Wizardess, you are all to suffer equally. And as your suffering should come from the story, rather than each other, yours is likely to increase.
Edwina: *gulp* (I'm not frightened. Not in the least, and I'll fireball anyone who says otherwise.)
Viconia: *smirks* Dead magic zone, belggir. (translation: braggart)
forms of grotesque gargoyles graced
Viconia: Careful, rivvil. Do not use alliteration.
the oblique rim protruberating the length of the grim orifice of death,
Xzar: I AM BECOME DEATH, the destroyer of worlds! Hahahahaha!
Edwina: Say what you will, I'm not looking in his mouth.
Viconia: A grim orifice if I ever saw one.
staring forever ahead into nothingness in complete ignorance of the bloody rites
Xzar: Mmm...blood... *licks lips* Makes me hungry.
enacted in their prescence.
Aerie: I-I don't think that the statues are paying attention.
Viconia: I find myself almost impressed by that remark, darthiir.
Aerie: I-I'm not looking for your approval, Drow.
Edwina: Hmm. Points for the venom, but a minus for the stutter. Hmm. Out of ten, I give her a seven.
Brown flaking stains decorated the golden surface of the ridge surrounding the alter,
Edwina: The altered what?
which banked to a small slit at the lower right hand
Xzar: Altars have hands? And you thought I was insane.
corner of the altar. The slit stood above a crudely pounded pail
Viconia: Did they take a hammer to it?
Edwina: Naturally. Theis described to them how to craft a bucket.
which had several silver meshed chalices hanging at its sides.
Aerie: If you have a mesh chalice, d-doesn't the liquid just spill out?
Dangling at the rimof golden mallet,
Edwina: *blows whistle* Missing article!
the handle of which was engraved with images of twisted faces and groved
Viconia: In some tongues, the letters p and v are interchangeable.
Edwina: Nowhere near your usual standard, Drow (let alone near mine).
Aerie: I don't get it...
at its far end with slots designed for a snug hand grip.
Viconia: As opposed to a loose grip.
The head of the mallet was slightly larger than a clenched fist
Edwina: This makes no sense. My lovely hands are far more delicate than a Rashemani berserker's are.
and shaped into a smooth oval mass.
Viconia: A head or an eye?
Xzar: Ohh, I'm not picky. I'll take either one.
Edwina: Necromantic creep.
Xzar: Perverted biophil.
Viconia: Boys, boys. Can't we get along?
Edwina: You will pay for that, Drow. Mark my words, one day...
Encircling the marble altar
Viconia: Yes, they were standing on a dias.
was a congregation of leering shamen.
Xzar: Yes, the Heroes of Ecordia, the Sha-men! Collect 'em all!
Eerie chants of a bygone age, originating unknown eons before the memory of man,
Edwina: Pathetic. What about, ?ancient, eerie chants?? What is wrong with that?
Viconia: You are...correcting...Jim Theis.
Edwina: *gibbers*
Aerie: I-I'm not letting him escape. *chants Heal*
Edwina: Damn you. Damn you all.
Xzar: Insanity doesn't help against torture.
Edwina: Of course, you would know.
were being uttered from the buried recesses of the acolytes' deep lings.
Aerie: W-what's a ?ling??
Viconia: *smirks* I believe I have a few ideas.
Orange paint was smeared in generous globules over the tops of thw Priests' wrinkled shaven scalps,
Edwina: Apart from the orange paint, they could almost be complimented on their fashion.
Rest: *stare*
Edwina: The Zulkir of Thay is bald, and most imitate him.
Xzar: In Thay, it's monkey see, monkey do!
Viconia: Is our little wizardess a rebel?
Edwina: *mutters* How would you like to be bald, Drow?
while golden rings projected from the lobes of their pink ears.
Edwina: See? Fashion sense. More than you monkeys have.
Ornate robes of lusciour purple satin enclosed their bulging torsos,
Edwina: Or not.
attached around their waists with silvered silk lashes
Viconia: Mmm...lashes...
latched with ebony buckles in the shape of morose mis-shaped skulls.
Xzar: Skulls...
Dangling around their necks were oval fashoned medalions held by thin gold chains,
Edwina: Medallions...
featuring in their centers blood red rubys which resembled crimson fetish eyeballs.
Xzar: Eyeballs! Where?
Aerie: What-what was that noise?
Xzar: My stomach rumbled. I'm hungry.
Cushoning their bare feet were plush red felt slippers with pointed golden spikes projecting from their tips.
Edwina: Red and gold...perfection.
Viconia: And they could be used as weapons.
Aerie: Is...is that all you think about?
Situated in front of the altar, and directly adjacent to the copper pail
Xzar: Kick it! Kick it!
was a massive jade idol; a misshaped, hideous bust of the shamens' pagan diety.
Edwina: It's ?deity,? you simian.
Xzar: But their god is on a diet.
Aerie: Then...then he's a dieting deity.
The shimmering green idol
Viconia: Jade does not ?shimmer.?
was placed in a sitting posture on an ornately carved golden throne
Edwina: ?It sat on a golden throne.?
Viconia: You forgot to mention the ornate carvings.
Edwina: Aah! I am perfecting it, is that not enough for you monkeys?!
raised upon a round, dvory plated dias;
Viconia: See? The diases indeed float.
it bulging arms and webbed hands resting on the padded arms of the seat.
Aerie: Do they worship a frog god?
Xzar: Half-frog. Oooh, now I'm hungry again.
Its head was entwined in golden snake-like coils hanging over its oblong ears,
Viconia: Hmph. Modern art.
which tappered off to thin hollow points.
Aerie: How are the points hollow?
Its nose was a bulging triangular mass, sunken in at its sides with tow gaping nostrils.
Edwina: Yes, noses are roughly triangular. They are often concave on the sides, and the nostrils may be large. This tells us nothing of what the nose looks like (though no doubt it is still inferior to my own).
Dramatic
Xzar: *hums* Duh duh duh...
beneath the nostrils was a twisted, shaggy lipped mouth, giving the impression of a slovering sadistic grimace.
Viconia: Oh, wipe your lips, statue.
Edwina: It can't. Not if they are so deformed.
At the foot of the heathen diety a slender, pale faced female, naked but for a golden, jeweled harness enshrouding her huge outcropping breasts,
Edwina: *stare*
Viconia: Do not tell me that you would consider a woman with physically impossible proportions, one being described by Jim Theis, attractive.
supporting long silver laces which extended to her thigh, stood before the pearl white field
Viconia: Pearl and ivory are not the same.
with noticable shivers traveling up and down the length of her exquisitely molded body.
Xzar: Not molded, chisled!
Her delicate lips trembled beneath soft narrow hands as she attemped to conceal herself from the piercing stare of the ambivalent idol.
Xzar (idol): *singing* I'm glaring now, but I don't care! Someone get me out of here!
Glaring directly down towards her was the stoney, cycloptic face of the bloated diety.
Xzar: He does need a diet!
Gaping from its single obling socket
Xzar: Socket...
was scintillating, many fauceted scarlet emerald,
Edwina: I would complain, but scarlet is a better color.
a brilliant gem seeming to possess a life all of its own.
Viconia: Yes, they used to throw parties at their blood sacrifices, and the emerald enjoyed it very much.
Xzar (emerald): Mommy rock, I'm all grown up! I have a life of my own!
A priceless gleaming stone, capable of domineering the wealth of conquering empires
Edwina: As opposed to the empires that didn't conquer. Those were safe.
Viconia: Being conquered.
...the eye of Argon.
Xzar: EYES...
Viconia: That was truly pathetic. Chapter two was far, far worse.
Aerie: We're...we're not scared, Irenicus!
Edwina: And I didn't break down once.
Xzar: Can we have a snack break?
Viconia: Hello, little wingless darthiir.
Aerie: Eek! *scoots away* W-why me?
Xzar: I WANT MY MOMMY!
-3 1/2-
A tightly rung
Aerie: I-is it a bell, then?
elliptical circle or torches
Edwina: Make up your mind, simian.
cast their wavering shafts prancing morbidly
Viconia: *snort* A contradiction in terms.
Xzar: Morbidly...oooh. *giggles*
Aerie: If...if anyone could prance morbidly, he could.
over the smooth surface of a rectangular, ridged alter.
Edwina: And another. A thing cannot be smooth and ridged.
Viconia: Unless Theis is merely being unclear again.
Edwina: Ah. Never mind.
Expertly chisled
Aerie: What's ?chisleing?
Edwina: It refers to the removal of the wings of the rare Avariel Whinepigeon.
Aerie: That's?that's just mean! B-besides, we're on equal terms now, right, Irenicus?
Irenicus: The little bird grows a spine. But she is right, Red Wizardess, you are all to suffer equally. And as your suffering should come from the story, rather than each other, yours is likely to increase.
Edwina: *gulp* (I'm not frightened. Not in the least, and I'll fireball anyone who says otherwise.)
Viconia: *smirks* Dead magic zone, belggir. (translation: braggart)
forms of grotesque gargoyles graced
Viconia: Careful, rivvil. Do not use alliteration.
the oblique rim protruberating the length of the grim orifice of death,
Xzar: I AM BECOME DEATH, the destroyer of worlds! Hahahahaha!
Edwina: Say what you will, I'm not looking in his mouth.
Viconia: A grim orifice if I ever saw one.
staring forever ahead into nothingness in complete ignorance of the bloody rites
Xzar: Mmm...blood... *licks lips* Makes me hungry.
enacted in their prescence.
Aerie: I-I don't think that the statues are paying attention.
Viconia: I find myself almost impressed by that remark, darthiir.
Aerie: I-I'm not looking for your approval, Drow.
Edwina: Hmm. Points for the venom, but a minus for the stutter. Hmm. Out of ten, I give her a seven.
Brown flaking stains decorated the golden surface of the ridge surrounding the alter,
Edwina: The altered what?
which banked to a small slit at the lower right hand
Xzar: Altars have hands? And you thought I was insane.
corner of the altar. The slit stood above a crudely pounded pail
Viconia: Did they take a hammer to it?
Edwina: Naturally. Theis described to them how to craft a bucket.
which had several silver meshed chalices hanging at its sides.
Aerie: If you have a mesh chalice, d-doesn't the liquid just spill out?
Dangling at the rimof golden mallet,
Edwina: *blows whistle* Missing article!
the handle of which was engraved with images of twisted faces and groved
Viconia: In some tongues, the letters p and v are interchangeable.
Edwina: Nowhere near your usual standard, Drow (let alone near mine).
Aerie: I don't get it...
at its far end with slots designed for a snug hand grip.
Viconia: As opposed to a loose grip.
The head of the mallet was slightly larger than a clenched fist
Edwina: This makes no sense. My lovely hands are far more delicate than a Rashemani berserker's are.
and shaped into a smooth oval mass.
Viconia: A head or an eye?
Xzar: Ohh, I'm not picky. I'll take either one.
Edwina: Necromantic creep.
Xzar: Perverted biophil.
Viconia: Boys, boys. Can't we get along?
Edwina: You will pay for that, Drow. Mark my words, one day...
Encircling the marble altar
Viconia: Yes, they were standing on a dias.
was a congregation of leering shamen.
Xzar: Yes, the Heroes of Ecordia, the Sha-men! Collect 'em all!
Eerie chants of a bygone age, originating unknown eons before the memory of man,
Edwina: Pathetic. What about, ?ancient, eerie chants?? What is wrong with that?
Viconia: You are...correcting...Jim Theis.
Edwina: *gibbers*
Aerie: I-I'm not letting him escape. *chants Heal*
Edwina: Damn you. Damn you all.
Xzar: Insanity doesn't help against torture.
Edwina: Of course, you would know.
were being uttered from the buried recesses of the acolytes' deep lings.
Aerie: W-what's a ?ling??
Viconia: *smirks* I believe I have a few ideas.
Orange paint was smeared in generous globules over the tops of thw Priests' wrinkled shaven scalps,
Edwina: Apart from the orange paint, they could almost be complimented on their fashion.
Rest: *stare*
Edwina: The Zulkir of Thay is bald, and most imitate him.
Xzar: In Thay, it's monkey see, monkey do!
Viconia: Is our little wizardess a rebel?
Edwina: *mutters* How would you like to be bald, Drow?
while golden rings projected from the lobes of their pink ears.
Edwina: See? Fashion sense. More than you monkeys have.
Ornate robes of lusciour purple satin enclosed their bulging torsos,
Edwina: Or not.
attached around their waists with silvered silk lashes
Viconia: Mmm...lashes...
latched with ebony buckles in the shape of morose mis-shaped skulls.
Xzar: Skulls...
Dangling around their necks were oval fashoned medalions held by thin gold chains,
Edwina: Medallions...
featuring in their centers blood red rubys which resembled crimson fetish eyeballs.
Xzar: Eyeballs! Where?
Aerie: What-what was that noise?
Xzar: My stomach rumbled. I'm hungry.
Cushoning their bare feet were plush red felt slippers with pointed golden spikes projecting from their tips.
Edwina: Red and gold...perfection.
Viconia: And they could be used as weapons.
Aerie: Is...is that all you think about?
Situated in front of the altar, and directly adjacent to the copper pail
Xzar: Kick it! Kick it!
was a massive jade idol; a misshaped, hideous bust of the shamens' pagan diety.
Edwina: It's ?deity,? you simian.
Xzar: But their god is on a diet.
Aerie: Then...then he's a dieting deity.
The shimmering green idol
Viconia: Jade does not ?shimmer.?
was placed in a sitting posture on an ornately carved golden throne
Edwina: ?It sat on a golden throne.?
Viconia: You forgot to mention the ornate carvings.
Edwina: Aah! I am perfecting it, is that not enough for you monkeys?!
raised upon a round, dvory plated dias;
Viconia: See? The diases indeed float.
it bulging arms and webbed hands resting on the padded arms of the seat.
Aerie: Do they worship a frog god?
Xzar: Half-frog. Oooh, now I'm hungry again.
Its head was entwined in golden snake-like coils hanging over its oblong ears,
Viconia: Hmph. Modern art.
which tappered off to thin hollow points.
Aerie: How are the points hollow?
Its nose was a bulging triangular mass, sunken in at its sides with tow gaping nostrils.
Edwina: Yes, noses are roughly triangular. They are often concave on the sides, and the nostrils may be large. This tells us nothing of what the nose looks like (though no doubt it is still inferior to my own).
Dramatic
Xzar: *hums* Duh duh duh...
beneath the nostrils was a twisted, shaggy lipped mouth, giving the impression of a slovering sadistic grimace.
Viconia: Oh, wipe your lips, statue.
Edwina: It can't. Not if they are so deformed.
At the foot of the heathen diety a slender, pale faced female, naked but for a golden, jeweled harness enshrouding her huge outcropping breasts,
Edwina: *stare*
Viconia: Do not tell me that you would consider a woman with physically impossible proportions, one being described by Jim Theis, attractive.
supporting long silver laces which extended to her thigh, stood before the pearl white field
Viconia: Pearl and ivory are not the same.
with noticable shivers traveling up and down the length of her exquisitely molded body.
Xzar: Not molded, chisled!
Her delicate lips trembled beneath soft narrow hands as she attemped to conceal herself from the piercing stare of the ambivalent idol.
Xzar (idol): *singing* I'm glaring now, but I don't care! Someone get me out of here!
Glaring directly down towards her was the stoney, cycloptic face of the bloated diety.
Xzar: He does need a diet!
Gaping from its single obling socket
Xzar: Socket...
was scintillating, many fauceted scarlet emerald,
Edwina: I would complain, but scarlet is a better color.
a brilliant gem seeming to possess a life all of its own.
Viconia: Yes, they used to throw parties at their blood sacrifices, and the emerald enjoyed it very much.
Xzar (emerald): Mommy rock, I'm all grown up! I have a life of my own!
A priceless gleaming stone, capable of domineering the wealth of conquering empires
Edwina: As opposed to the empires that didn't conquer. Those were safe.
Viconia: Being conquered.
...the eye of Argon.
Xzar: EYES...
Viconia: That was truly pathetic. Chapter two was far, far worse.
Aerie: We're...we're not scared, Irenicus!
Edwina: And I didn't break down once.
Xzar: Can we have a snack break?
And the mirror, it reflects a tiny dancing skeleton, surrounded by a fleshy overcoat and swaddled in
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants
