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Comments on "Dreams: Prologue to a TOB Fic"

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#1 Ipsissimus


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Posted 18 April 2010 - 12:45 PM

An interesting take on growing up in Candlekeep. Isn't Cadderly a Chosen of Deneir? Heh, talk about a first kiss to remember :)

Certainly an unusual idea, for Sarevok to both hate and...love? desire? the PC, and it should be an intriguing theme for you to explore later. I think I'll enjoy reading this--assuming you want to keep writing. Pretty please? And I love the idea of a past history between Sarevok and the PC. Logically, it should be there, and it so rarely is... Yep, definitely interested.

Now, the nitpicky stuff. I might sound a little harsh here, so if I do, sorry! And of course, feel free to ignore anything I say :) Your story, your rules.

I think that your narration style is a bit awkward. The use of "you" gives it the feel of something being dictated--like at a BG2 chapter intro screen, or a DM telling the players something. You could use past-tense second person instead, so instead of "As you wake, you feel pain... You realize you are not in that temple now," it becomes "As she woke, she felt pain... She realized she was no longer in that temple." Or in second person, present tense, it becomes "She realizes she is no longer in that temple." First person would become "As I woke, I felt pain... I realized I was no longer in that temple." It depends on how you want to write it, and what your PC is like. Second person is handy, I've found, for showing action and interaction. First person is useful for a more introspective character.

Additionally, you need more punctuation. "The silver haired man looks angry with you as he breaks up the innocent tryst and sends you to the private area of the keep to do some mundane task" might be punctuated instead "The silver-haired man looks angry with you as he breaks up the innocent tryst. After a few sharp words, he sends you off to another section of the keep. No doubt some other mundane task needs doing." A lengthy sentence is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can cause readers to get confused and lose the point of the sentence. Don't be afraid to use more short sentences--there isn't a punctuation tax, is there? :) I'd also suggest reading sentences out loud. It feels weird and slightly embarrassing, though it can help identify too-long or oddly punctuated sentences.

Last, you had several minor mistakes and typos. If you want, I can try find them, but I'd suggest that after writing a chapter, you take a break and look at it again later.

Edit: And of course, don't be afraid to register here. We don't bite, I promise.

Edited by Ipsissimus, 18 April 2010 - 12:46 PM.

And the mirror, it reflects a tiny dancing skeleton, surrounded by a fleshy overcoat and swaddled in
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants

#2 disari

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Posted 19 April 2010 - 02:29 AM

Thanks for the critique.. I wanted it to be a dream state and so I wanted the reader to feel outside looking in but still a part of it I will rethink that

perspective perhaps... I haven't written much lately.. This is a fic. I've had in mind for a long while.. It seems to be going well.. if it seems

a bit hurried I want to take advantage of the muse while it is with me.. As for Cadderly I never thought the encounter had any context.. Sarevok has

plenty of mages to cast a glamour on him.. I guess in my own mind I always thought Cadderly was Sarevok.. Smile who is to say it isn't.. I honestly

didn't know he was a character from elsewhere. I am a member of shs for quite a while now but sign in screen doesn't always work for me.. well back to my muse.. perhaps i will even get back to the other fic I started here a few yrs back....

Sarevok is one character I thought was really interesting especially after TOB I was really excited to play his romance
mod. It was well done but didn't really fit into my idea of what could be.. I read a fic quite a while ago at fanfic called Twin souls or shared souls that was quite good. I thought I would give it a spin of my own..

Edited by disari, 19 April 2010 - 02:51 AM.

#3 Ipsissimus


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Posted 19 April 2010 - 01:25 PM

Barring Simulacrum and the like, how could Sarevok be in two places at once? He's already "Koveras" in the library, and as the monks say, he's been there awhile, reading Alaundo's prophecies. SaintZenn's fic "Misery and Happiness" at this site also deals with the possibility of a shared past between Sarevok and the PC, I believe. Also, for future reference, it might be better to post parts of a serial as replies to one topic, rather than as separate topics. Keeps things organized better.
And the mirror, it reflects a tiny dancing skeleton, surrounded by a fleshy overcoat and swaddled in
A furry hat, elastic mask, a pair of shiny marble dice, some people call them snake-eyes, but to me they look like mice
-- "Nothing's gonna change my clothes", They Might Be Giants

#4 Shadowhawke


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Posted 22 April 2010 - 04:19 AM

Hi disari!

First of all, welcome to Scribbles! Secondly, I hope you don't mind if I PM you about the format of your chapters... as Ipsissimus mentioned, it's general practice here to post parts of stories all in the one thread for tidiness and convenience's sake.

As for your story, it's always interesting to see more about Charname's past with Sarevok. You do achieve a nice dreamlike quality, but in some instances commas still have to be used to clarify the meaning of the sentences so that you don't break the lovely flow that makes it so dreamlike. :)

For example, the sentence

The dreamscene switches to a large dormitory like place many small cots are lined up in it with sleeping children..

contains two separate ideas; the large dormitory-like place, where many small cots are lined up. It's usually better to separate two ideas like that, either with a semi colon or separating them into different sentences. Otherwise as a reader I read the first half, and then have to mentally readjust to align the meanings of both ideas together instead of seamlessly reading through.

Also, I think when you use the two full stops to make a pause '..', you mean to use an ellipsis, which is three full stops '...'. That's a tiny grammatical nitpick, however!

On the whole, I can definitely understand getting used to the flow of writing again, and I hope these comments help. As for Sarevok, I can't wait until he comes more onto the scene.

Welcome again!

Edited by Shadowhawke, 22 April 2010 - 04:24 AM.

Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love


And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain