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[HELP WANTED] Proof reading for a small kit mod


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#1 Ulb

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Posted 09 August 2017 - 05:37 AM

Hey,

 

if anyone could go over this kit description and check for spelling, grammar and weird sounding stuff (I'm not a native speaker, obviously) I'd be grateful.

 

 

INFERNAL MELODIST: An Infernal Melodist is a Bard with fiend's blood somewhere in <PRO_HISHER> lineage. The Bard embraces <PRO_HISHER> fiendish nature by playing terrible and frightening melodies that have a chance to frighten opponents who hear them and also stir and focus the fiendish parts of <PRO_HISHER> soul, giving <PRO_HIMHER> a chance to transform into a powerful 'Fiendish Avatar' for a short duration.

FEATURES:

– Has a unique Bard Song which improves as the Infernal Melodist advances in levels.

'BARD SONG': The Infernal Melodist's song can focus <PRO_HISHER> fiendish heritage, giving <PRO_HIMHER> a chance equal to <PRO_HISHER> level (up to 30% at level 30) to turn into a FINDISH AVATAR for one turn. Playing the song however requires such focus that the Bard can spent little attention on <PRO_HISHER> surroundings and thus suffers a penalty of -4 to AC and -2 to all saving throws while playing.
In addition all opponents within a 30' radius who hear the Bard's song must save vs. spell or be affected in a way depending on the Bard's level:

  Level 1: Opponents must save vs. spell (+2 bonus) or become affected by fear for 5 rounds.
  Level 6: Opponents must save vs. spell (+2 bonus) or become affected by a crippling fear which reduces their movement rate by 30% for 5 rounds.
  Level 12: Opponents must save vs. spell (no bonus) or become affected by a crippling fear which reduces their movement rate by 50% for 5 rounds.
  Level 18: Opponents must save vs. spell (-2 penalty) or become affected by a crippling fear which reduces their movement rate by 50% for 5 rounds.
  Level 24: Opponents must save vs. spell (-4 penalty) or become affected by a crippling fear which reduces their movement rate by 50% for 5 rounds.

'FINDISH AVATAR': The Infernal Melodist turns into an avatar of the fiendish part of <PRO_HISHER> soul for one turn, gaining bonuses depending on <PRO_HISHER> level:
  Level 1: STR +2, CON +2, hit points +100%, gains bonuses from 'Fiendish Soul' trait, can attack 3 times per round with a magical +3 weapon (no penalty for none proficiency).
  Level 12: STR +3, CON +3, hit points +100%, gains bonuses from 'Fiendish Soul' trait, can attack 4 times per round with a magical +4 weapon (no penalty for none proficiency).
  Level 18: STR +4, CON +4, hit points +100%, gains bonuses from 'Fiendish Soul' trait, can attack 5 times per round with a magical +5 weapon (no penalty for none proficiency).

'FIENDISH SOUL': While in Fiendish Avatar form the Bard gains the following bonuses for each point of Charisma <PRO_HESHE> has above 15: +1 thac0, +5% Resistance to Acid, Cold, Electricity, Fire and Magic Damage.

– May use the 'Restraint' ability at will.

RESTRAINT: The Infernal Melodist restrains <PRO_HIMHER>self from getting too absorbed in <PRO_HISHER> music. While 'Restraint' is active <PRO_HESHE> suffers no penalties for playing <PRO_HISHER> Bard Song but has no chance to turn into a Fiendish Avatar either.

– Can not be of good alignment.

Edited by Ulb, 09 August 2017 - 05:39 AM.


#2 Miloch

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 07:10 AM

It didn't require many changes, though you have a typo (findish > fiendish) in a couple spots. I did not proof it for consistency with existing kit descriptions either, so you may want to do that. I also am not going to judge your kit itself, though I will say one thing: it doesn't seem to have any real disadvantages ("cannot be good" does not really count).

 

INFERNAL MELODIST: An Infernal Melodist is a Bard with fiend's blood somewhere in <PRO_HISHER> lineage. The Bard embraces <PRO_HISHER> fiendish nature by playing terrible and frightening melodies that have a chance to frighten opponents who hear them. These tunes also stir and focus the fiendish parts of <PRO_HISHER> soul, giving <PRO_HIMHER> a chance to transform into a powerful 'Fiendish Avatar' for a short duration.

FEATURES:

– Has a unique Bard Song that improves as the Infernal Melodist advances in levels.

'BARD SONG': The Infernal Melodist's song can focus <PRO_HISHER> fiendish heritage, giving <PRO_HIMHER> a chance equal to <PRO_HISHER> level (up to 30% at level 30) to turn into a FIENDISH AVATAR for one turn. Playing the song however requires such focus that the Bard can spend little attention on <PRO_HISHER> surroundings and thus suffers a penalty of -4 to AC and -2 to all saving throws while playing.
In addition, all opponents within a 30' radius who hear the Bard's song must save vs. spells or be affected in a way depending on the Bard's level:

  Level 1: Opponents must save vs. spells (+2 bonus) or become affected by fear for 5 rounds.
  Level 6: Opponents must save vs. spells (+2 bonus) or become affected by a crippling fear that reduces their movement rate by 30% for 5 rounds.
  Level 12: Opponents must save vs. spells (no bonus) or become affected by a crippling fear that reduces their movement rate by 50% for 5 rounds.
  Level 18: Opponents must save vs. spells (-2 penalty) or become affected by a crippling fear that reduces their movement rate by 50% for 5 rounds.
  Level 24: Opponents must save vs. spells (-4 penalty) or become affected by a crippling fear that reduces their movement rate by 50% for 5 rounds.

'FIENDISH AVATAR': The Infernal Melodist turns into an avatar of the fiendish part of <PRO_HISHER> soul for one turn, gaining bonuses depending on <PRO_HISHER> level:
  Level 1: STR +2, CON +2, hit points +100%, gains bonuses from 'Fiendish Soul' trait, can attack 3 times per round with a magical +3 weapon (no penalty for no proficiency).
  Level 12: STR +3, CON +3, hit points +100%, gains bonuses from 'Fiendish Soul' trait, can attack 4 times per round with a magical +4 weapon (no penalty for no proficiency).
  Level 18: STR +4, CON +4, hit points +100%, gains bonuses from 'Fiendish Soul' trait, can attack 5 times per round with a magical +5 weapon (no penalty for no proficiency).

'FIENDISH SOUL': While in Fiendish Avatar form the Bard gains the following bonuses for each point of Charisma <PRO_HESHE> has above 15: +1 THAC0, +5% Resistance to Acid, Cold, Electricity, Fire and Magic Damage.

– May use the 'Restraint' ability at will.

RESTRAINT: The Infernal Melodist restrains <PRO_HIMHER>self from getting too absorbed in <PRO_HISHER> music. While 'Restraint' is active <PRO_HESHE> suffers no penalties for playing <PRO_HISHER> Bard Song but has no chance to turn into a Fiendish Avatar either.

– Cannot be of good alignment.

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#3 Ulb

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 09:27 AM

Thanks a lot Miloch!

 

 

I also am not going to judge your kit itself ..

 

Ya, I know the kit is op. (It's basically a Jester + a buffed up fighter on demand.)

 

Truth be told, it's more or less just an excuse I quickly came up with to play with the Butcher animation. I thought about dumping it but since it is already finished I might as well throw it out there, maybe someone will enjoy it.



#4 The Imp

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Posted 12 August 2017 - 09:47 AM

FEATURES:
– Has a unique Bard Song which improves as the Infernal Melodist advances in levels.
...
– May use the 'Restraint' ability at will.
...
– Can not be of good alignment.
Erhm, it might look better if they were:
FEATURES:
– Has a unique Bard Song which improves as the Infernal Melodist advances in levels.
– May use the 'Restraint' ability at will.
– Can not be of good alignment.

And then the descriptions for each of those...

Yep, Jarno Mikkola. my Mega Mod FAQ. Use of the BWS, and how to use it(scroll down that post a bit). 
OK, desert dweller, welcome to the sanity, you are free to search for the limit, it's out there, we drew it in the sand. Ouh, actually it was still snow then.. but anyways.


#5 Ulb

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Posted 13 August 2017 - 02:02 AM

I agree, thanks!

 

Btw, I'm thinking of changing the kit up a little.

Instead of proccing the transformation via bard song you would gain one charge of the transformation (as special ability, not stacking) on critical hits.





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