When Forests Attack

Chantrys walked through the forest at a quick pace, her ash bow bouncing lightly against her shoulder. A faint blush overlay the stars that twinkled in the cold sky. The Umar Hills remained as beautiful as ever, and her dawn patrol had yielded nothing more threatening than two rabid gibberlings and a large brown bear. She sighed happily, her heart full. It was at times like these that she felt sorry for all of the silly folk that lived in cities. They would never?

?ACHOO!?

She paused to mop her nose with a handkerchief. How annoying. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Chantrys moved forward once more. Her thoughts returned to the coming day, and the pleasure of being young and in love and free of her divine father?s taint. Kelsey would still be sleeping when she returned to the cabin. She grinned suddenly, thinking of exactly how she would wake him. It would definitely be a good morning.

?ACHOO! ACHOO!?

The ranger wiped her streaming eyes. Why am I sneezing so much? I hope I?m not coming down with something. Shaking her head, she stepped?

?ACHOOOOOO!!!?

She blew her nose, her chest and throat tightening unbearably. Dammit! Now I know something?s wrong. She went as fast as she could to the cabin, sneezing at least ten more times before she reached the door.

Kelsey opened his eyes as she rushed into the bedroom. ?Chantrys?? he murmured sleepily. ?You?re back early.?

?It?s not my fault,? she got out before being interrupted by the biggest sneeze yet.

He sat up, rubbing his eyes. ?Bless you?by Waukeen?s purse! Are you all right? You look??

?Don?t say it.? Chantrys fell to her knees beside the bed, rummaging through the drawers. ?Where did I put that other handkerchief??

?I think it?s still in your pack.? Kelsey untangled himself from the sheets and got out of bed, shivering in the chilly air. He pulled his robes on as quickly as possible. ?Shall I get some coffee started??

?Sure,? she croaked, reaching under the bed.

?On second thought, I?d better make some tea. You sound awfully hoarse. We still have honey, right??

?We?d better.?


***


?What?s wrong with me?? Chantrys wailed, staring at herself in the mirror. Her face was splotched with pink, her eyes red-rimmed and swollen. And her nose? It was a curse, she decided. An evil insidious curse.

Kelsey?s sigh was clearly audible. ?Nothing?s wrong with you, dear,? he said, trying to hand her a cup of tea. ?Maybe Jaheira can have a look at you when she gets here.?

An explosive sneeze sent the cup flying, splashing hot liquid everywhere. ?Jaheira? But she?s in Iriaebor!?

?Didn?t you read the letter? She has some urgent business in Athkatla and thought she?d stop by for a visit.? He handed her a second cup, without incident this time.

Chantrys took a sip, cradling the crockery in her wide, strong hands. ?She certainly gets around.?

?I heard that.?

They turned to see the druid standing in the doorway, smiling slightly. ?Still good at sneaking up on me, I see,? said Chantrys.

?Of course I am,? said Jaheira without a trace of modesty. ?Like Imoen, I have had years of practice.?

?Would you like some tea?? asked Kelsey with a welcoming smile. ?I was just about to start some breakfast, if you?re interested.?

?Food would be most wel??

?ACHOO! ACHOOACHOOACHOOOO!!!?

?Goodness, Chantrys!? Jaheira peered into Chantrys?s face, and then stepped back at another series of sneezes. ?Are you all right??

?What do YOU think??

Jaheira shot an acid glance from her tilted green eyes, but her voice remained mild. ?Temper...?

?Sorry, Jaheira.?

?You might have a touch of a spring cold. Perhaps I can do something about it.? Jaheira placed a strong brown hard on the ranger?s forehead, whispering a prayer to Sylvanus. A gentle blue glow swirled around Chantrys for a moment, and then dissipated. ?There. How do you feel now??

?Better, I think.? Chantrys took a few experimental breaths. ?My chest feels a little less stuffy, and?ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Ah, crap.?

?Hmmm.?

And so began an exhaustive session of question and answer, punctuated by numerous fits of coughing and sneezing. Kelsey sat back and ate his breakfast during Jaheira?s interrogation. It seemed like the best thing, and quite possibly the only thing he could do for the time being.

Finally, Jaheira sat back. ?Well. I believe I know what the problem is.?

?Yes?? asked Chantrys and Kelsey together.

?You are suffering from an allergic reaction to something in the forest.?

?Me? Allergic?? Chantrys coughed weakly, protesting, ?But I?ve never felt like this before?why is this happening now??

?Who knows?? said Kelsey. ?It?s spring, plants are blooming all over the forest. Maybe there?s a new plant out there that you react badly to.?

?Or perhaps your body has simply decided that a particular plant is now an irritant.? Jaheira calmly sipped at her tea. ?Bodies are inconvenient that way.?

?Well, this is unpleasant,? Chantrys sighed. "I suppose I could just suffer until the plants settle down, but what if something happens between now and then??

?What do you mean?? asked Kelsey. ?It isn?t as if you?re bedridden.?

?True, but if I were in a fight, and I started sneezing??

?Relax.? Jaheira applied herself to the cold food in front of her. ?You have handled such things before under conditions that would break a lesser woman. Why should you begin to worry now??

Kelsey snorted. ?Famous last words??

There was a knock on the door. Chantrys got up to answer it, coughing only a few times before wrenching the door open. ?Yes??

?L-lady Chantrys?there is a problem in the village??

?I knew it."

?Mielikki preserve us.?

Chantrys struggled to retain her composure as she stared at the helpless village of Imnesvale. The central square was a living, breathing carpet of white, extending almost to the surrounding buildings. A few kobolds lounged on the rim of the fountain, growling and chatting amongst themselves.

?Well,? said Kelsey, his lips twitching suspiciously. ?I don?t know what I expected, but it wasn?t a raging attack of cuteness.?

?You and me both, love.?

?Why did Minister Lloyd not tell us that the village was occupied by rabbits?? asked Jaheira. ?The whole village did not have to evacuate to your cabin. Surely they could have taken care of this themselves.?

?Maybe the kobolds scared the villagers off,? Kelsey suggested.

Jaheira snorted. ?Yes, those kobolds are truly frightening. See how that one tried to pass a flask of firewine and missed. They must be fearsome warriors indeed.?

?Shove it, Jaheira,? Chantrys growled. ?The villagers are sensible folk. Well, most of them. They wouldn?t call me unless something was truly?ACHOOOOOO!!!?

Furry heads turned towards the group.

?Oops.?

One of the kobolds rose and shoved his way through the crowd. Kicking aside a particularly stubborn bunny, he came to an angry halt before Chantrys. ?You! You dare show your face here??

Chantrys tried not to gag on the firewine fumes. ?Excuse me??

?You know what I?m talking about, you murderer!?

Others in the crowd took up the cry. ?Killer of Bhaalspawn! Murderer of Toop the Brave!?

Chantrys glanced at Kelsey and Jaheira to see if they knew what was going on. They looked utterly mystified. She sighed. ?What the hell are you talking about? Who...or what...is Toop the Brave??

The kobold barked a short, guttural laugh. ?Do not play games with us! You cannot fail to remember Toop and his mighty Bhaalspawn companions!?

A furious chant arose from the crowd. ?Toop! Mighty Toop! Wise Chinchilla! And?er?the other ones! Holy are their names!?

?They were gods among kobolds!?

?And rabbits."

The kobold glared at the rabbit, adding reluctantly, ?And rabbits. Mighty were their deeds and many were the foes they slew. They fought for the rights of kobolds??

?And rabbits.?

??and rabbits everywhere.?

Kelsey shook his head. ?I don?t remember ever running into them.?

?Liar! You met them in the Marching Mountains!?

?We did??

Jaheira gasped suddenly. ?We did run into a group of kobolds who said they were Bhaalspawn?I seem to recall a rabbit as well.?

?I thought it was a joke,? said Kelsey.

?And anyway,? said Chantrys, ?we didn?t kill them. They attacked us, and we defended ourselves, and then they ran away.?

?Again you expect us to swallow your pitiful attempts at deceit! We found their bodies not far from your encounter!?

Chantrys scratched her head. ?But Bhaalspawn disintegrate when they die, so if you found their bodies, then they weren?t really??

?You hear that, my brethren?? the kobold bellowed, pumping his reedy arms. ?They mock our faith!?

?I say we bite their noses off!?

?Go for the kneecaps!?

?Now wait just a minute,? said Kelsey reasonably. ?Surely we can work something out.?

The kobold drew a thin glittering blade.

?Or not.?

Without further ado, the crowd charged. Chantrys and Jaheira stepped in front of Kelsey, drawing their weapons to meet the first wave. The low murmur of Kelsey?s spellcasting was quickly buried in the bloodthirsty roar that echoed through the village. Chantrys quickly dispatched the kobold leader before turning her attention to the rabbits.

?You may kill me,? a rabbit cried, ?but ten will take my place! To me, my bristly brothers!?

A small horde of rabbits swarmed around the group?s feet, nearly causing Jaheira to stumble. She recovered quickly and lashed out with her staff, catching a rabbit and sending it soaring.

As the fur well and truly began to fly, Chantrys started to feel very strange. She felt flushed, overheated. The world slowly began to spin, first one way, and then the other. Her throat constricted, and she struggled to draw enough air into her lungs to remain conscious. Her blade faltered, and she swayed.

?Chantrys!? Jaheira cried, swinging her staff at a kobold. ?Get a hold of yourself!?

Wheezing, the ranger fell on Jaheira.

Jaheira cursed fluently and creatively in a number of languages. ?Kelsey!? she sputtered, ?Come here and take care of Chantrys!?

?I?d like to (Damn! That's a wasted spell!) Jaheira, but I?m in a bit of a jam right (Ouch! Get off me!) now.?

She flicked a glance at Kelsey. The sorcerer was completely overrun by rabbits, the fuzzy creatures intent on biting and scratching. Kelsey was trying his best to get away, but the rabbits clung to his arms and legs, making movement difficult and spellcasting near impossible.

Jaheira hissed in irritation. She swung her staff again and again at the rabbits around her feet, but the weight of the ranger?s limp body added to the difficulty of hitting small agile opponents. ?Perhaps we should retreat for now,? she suggested.

?Fine (Ow! Stop that!) by me."

Step by step, Jaheira backed up until she was standing next to Kelsey. She then concentrated her blows in his vicinity, knocking the rabbits off of him.

?Ouch, Jaheira!?

?Sorry.?

After what seemed like a very long time, Kelsey was free. Supporting Chantrys between them, the pair retreated from the village.

A voice drifted up from the village square. ?By Toop, we actually won?I mean, flee! Flee our wrath while you still can!?

Mocking laughter echoed in their ears as they disappeared into the woods.

?I cannot believe this.? Minister Lloyd tried to draw himself up to his full height, but a glare from Jaheira deflated him. He returned to pacing the rough pine floorboards. ?Our Ranger-Protector was defeated by?by rabbits??

?Don?t remind me,? coughed Chantrys. ?I?ve heard rumors of cults rising around Sendai and Yaga-Shura, but this is just ridiculous. I suppose I should be grateful that Volo wasn?t there to document our scuffle for posterity.? She took a sip of tea, making a face. ?What, no honey??

?Bitch, bitch, bitch.? Jaheira slung a dollop of honey into the mug. ?There. Better??

?Much.?

?You should not be complaining, Chantrys. You should be praising Mielikki that your reaction to the rabbit fur was not more serious.?

?No one ever said I was?ah?ah?ACHOO! A good patient.?

?Oh, believe me, I know. Do you remember our battle against Abazigal??

?My ribs still ache on rainy days.? Chantrys winced, as if the old pains had been conjured up anew by Jaheira?s words. ?Damn those dragon claws.?

Jaheira shook her finger at the ranger?s nose. ?It took Anomen and myself a full day to heal your wounds. Even then you were at us constantly to work faster.? She sniffed. ?No patience.?

?Pot, meet kettle,? Chantrys muttered.

?What??

?I said, where?s Kelsey??

?He?s still upstairs,? said Minister Lloyd, ?working on something or other. Sent most of the village out to the woods to find special ingredients.?

?Ah, good, I was hoping he would begin soon. Now, finish your tea, Chantrys.?

?Yes, Jaheira. Whatever you say, Jaheira.?

?And be quiet while you are at it.?

?I love your visits,? Chantrys grumbled into her tea. ?They?re so soothing.?

Kelsey?s voice floated down the stairs. ?Could you come up here for a second, dear??

?Be right there.?


***


?Hmmmm.? Kelsey frowned at the kettle before tossing a small pinch of ochre powder inside. The contents foamed, belching purple flame. He ignored it and gathered a small amount of fuschia goop on a spoon. ?Open up, love.?

Chantrys obediently opened her mouth, swallowing the goop. A moment later, she shuddered. ?Ugh. This is worse than Nalia?s cooking.?

?But do you feel better??

?It?s hard to say. Right now I just want to throw up to get that awful mess out of my mouth. Can?t you make the potion taste better??

?Look, do you want a potion that works or a potion that tastes good??

Chantrys just sighed. A sudden fit of sneezing sent her backwards over the side of the chair and onto the floor.

?Hmmmm.?

Jaheira poked her head into the room. ?Anything to report??

Kelsey felt a sudden urge to salute, but suppressed it as best he could. ?Nothing yet.?

?Why not??

?Leave him alone,? said Chantrys, picking herself up off the floor. ?It?s hard to develop potions, especially since we don?t know how many things I?m allergic to.?

The druid frowned. ?From what I understood at noon, it was rabbit fur and rhodelia pollen.?

?I?ve taken those things into account, but the potion is still not working. There must be something else.?

?Just?work faster. The villagers are getting restless.? Jaheira?s face was gone as suddenly as it had appeared.

?Slave driver.?

Chantrys smiled weakly, and Kelsey bent his head once more over the scattered herbs and flowers littering his workroom table. There has to be something I haven?t tried?some herb, some powder?something. He brought his fist down, rattling the wood and knocking over a vase.

?Oops,? said Chantrys, yawning.

He picked up the vase, but not before the water spread all over his notes. This is just not a good day. He glanced at Chantrys, who was trying to cough and yawn at the same time. For anyone. ?Sorry, dear. Didn?t mean to waste your flowers.?

?Oh, that?s all right. They?re Jaheira?s dock flowers, anyway. She has plenty of them.? Chantrys sneezed again. ?She?s been making the root into a tea for me. I keep telling her to try something else, ?cause it tastes even worse than that potion of yours, but she insists that a horrible taste is Nature?s way of showing that medicine is doing some good. So then I said what about mistletoe berries?those are poisonous and I bet they don?t taste good, and SHE said??

Kelsey tuned Chantrys out, concentrating on the dock blossoms. Perhaps they had some medicinal use, and if not, he could always ask Jaheira for the root. He plucked the delicate green flowers from their stems and ground them into a wet paste before tipping them into the cauldron.

The liquid bubbled and hissed alarmingly. Once the mixture settled down, Kelsey lifted another dollop out, noting that the fuschia goop had changed into a clear gel speckled with blue. ?Here, Chantrys.?

She wrinkled her nose at the spoon. ?That?s pretty, but still not very appetizing.?

?Just try it and then I?ll let you go to sleep.?

?All right, already.? She accepted the spoon, swallowing with a great show of reluctance.

?Good. I?ll help you to bed as soon as I damp down the flame and clean up a little.?

?Don?t worry about it?I?m feeling quite sleepy already. Maybe I?ll just?sleep?here.?

?Are you sure??

A gentle snore was the only reply. Kelsey puttered quietly, clearing wet plants from his desk and loosely covering the cauldron. Finally, he picked Chantrys up and carried her to bed. As he carefully set her down on the bed, he smiled to himself. Her breathing was smooth, unmarred by wheezing. He kissed her forehead before heading back to the workroom.

?This is the remedy, then?? Jaheira looked skeptically at the bottle. ?What are all these blue flecks??

?I?m a sorcerer, Jaheira, not an encyclopedia.?

?What will you call it? Kelsey?s Allergy Relief??

?Now, now, I don?t name everything after myself. In fact, I was thinking of calling it a Potion of Claritin.?

?Why??

?Has a nice ring to it.?

?In any case, it?s been working pretty well.? Chantrys beamed. ?Look, no sniffles!?

?You do seem better. Are there any side effects??

?I beg pardon, lady druid,? said Minister Lloyd timidly, ?but might this discussion be held at a later time? Nelleck has just returned from the outlying farms, and the problems have come to a head.?

?Aye, the rotten little buggers are eating my spring planting!? Nelleck flung his hat and cloak angrily in the direction of a chair. ?They?re in my stables too, eating up my supplies and breeding like??

?Rabbits??

??Tis no laughing matter, Lady Chantrys.?

?Sorry. I guess we?d better get over there.?


***


Chantrys peeked around the corner of Minister Lloyd?s house, shading her eyes to cut the noon glare. The kobolds had apparently broken down the door of the inn, and were busy sharing out Vincenzo?s best ale. Even the rabbits had gotten into the act, groups of three or four crowded around saucers of liquor. Good. This plan will be even easier with drunken opponents.

She retreated to the clearing where Kelsey and Jaheira waited. ?I think we?ll be fine. They?re busy getting hammered.?

?Vincenzo?s not going to be happy.?

?Don?t worry. He?ll blame it on the Umar Witch and have something new to write about.?

?I wish he?d stop writing those silly books. Doesn?t he have an inn to run??

?That?s what the stable boy is for.?

?I grow weary of this pointless conversation. Shall we confront this new cult??

?Yes, Jaheira.? Kelsey waved his hand and vanished. Moments later, agile fingers poked at Chantrys?s ribs.

?How many times do I have to tell you that I?m not ticklish?? she said, rolling her eyes at the air.

?I keep hoping that you?ll change your mind someday.?

?Dream on.? Chantrys turned and strode confidently towards the village square. Jaheira soon caught up, and while she couldn?t hear Kelsey, she was sure that he was getting settled in the appropriate location.

It didn?t take the kobolds and rabbits long to notice their guests.

?Why, if it isn?t the fainting violet,? said a rabbit. ?Come back for more?? He belched obscenely.

Chantrys just laughed, to the rabbit?s consternation. ?Nice one. I didn?t think a puny thing like you had it in you.?

?I?ll show you what we?ve got. Charge!? The rabbits bounded up to Chantrys, rubbing their bodies against one another and sending a huge cloud of fur flying around the ranger.

She smiled, not bothered in the slightest. ?You guys are so cute. You know that??

?Hey,? said a rabbit, ?I thought she was supposed to be allergic.?

?Yeah, now what do we do??

?Keep trying! Maybe it?s a front!?

Chantrys continued to smile. Jaheira covered her mouth, trying not to laugh.

?She?s not sneezing?or fainting??

?Maybe we should just bite her.?

Drawing her blade, Chantrys held it up and regarded it thoughtfully.

?Are you kidding me? Have you seen that sword??

?It looks awful sharp.?

?Sure does. Maybe we should run away.?

?But what about Toop? What would he say about that??

Jaheira put her left hand behind her back, motioning frantically.

A cloud of thick black smoke billowed in the square, covering everything but the coughing sounds from the rabbits and kobolds. As the fog dissipated, a kobold stood on the rim of the fountain. He was unusually brawny for a kobold, and carried a gigantic halberd with ease.

?What the??

?SILENCE!!!? The new kobold waved his weapon, nearly beheading a slow bunny. ?Bow down before your god!?

?Could it be? Are you??

?I am Toop the Brave, kobold among kobolds??

?And rabbits??

?Yes, whatever.?

?Hey, aren?t you dead??

Toop raised his arms and a lightning bolt came down from the clear sky, singeing the tail of the unfortunate rabbit who had spoken.

?Um?never mind?? The other rabbits and kobolds gathered around the fountain, bowing and scraping for all they were worth.

?Now hear this, my faithful! It is time for you to find your church!?

?A church? We get a church? Oh, goody!?

?Quiet! Go to the ruined temple to the northwest, and restore it to a building fit for my divine grace.?

?How are we supposed to do that? We don?t have hands or opposable thumbs or??

Another lightning bolt shot down from the sky.

?Yes, my Lord! We will do as you ask!?

"And another thing! Quit bugging Chantrys! She's my...um...Chosen One!"

"But she's not even a kobold! Or a rabbit!"

"You're a slow learner, aren't you." Toop began to raise his arms.

"I take it back, my Lord! She's your Chosen One!"

?Good. Now go!? There was a short, awkward pause before Toop vanished in another cloud of smoke.

The rabbits glanced timidly at Chantrys, edging away. "Um...sorry?"

"I accept your apology. Better go build that temple now."

"Y-yes, ma'am."

As the kobolds and the rabbits left the village, Jaheira stepped closer to Chantrys. ?So,? she murmured, ?it seems as though the plan has worked.?

?Yes.? Chantrys sheathed her sword.

"Kelsey, your timing was?adequate.?

?Why, thank you, Jaheira.? He appeared next to Chantrys, smiling. ?Coming from you, that?s quite a compliment.?

Chantrys raised her hand, covering a yawn. ?Can we go home now? I feel a bit tired, all of a sudden.?

?In a moment,? said Jaheira. ?I would like to make sure that the buildings are empty.? Without waiting for a reply, she went into the inn.

?I thought you were marvellous, Kelsey.?

?It?s wonderful what you can do with Monster Summoning and Domination, isn?t it??

A couple of extremely inebriated rabbits flew out of the inn?s doorway. Lurching to their feet, they staggered off, muttering darkly about party poopers.

?Yes.? Chantrys sat on the rim of the fountain, pulling Kelsey down next to her. She rested her head on his shoulder. ??Scuse me for a second, I just want to??

?Chantrys??

She snuggled closer. ?Wha???

?Never mind. Just rest your eyes.?

When Jaheira returned from the buildings, Chantrys was snoozing peacefully. ?Should we wake her??

?Nah.? Kelsey looked down, his gaze softening. ?I?ll just carry her back to the cabin.?

?Are you sure you can carry her??

?That?s what spells are for.?


***


The next morning, Minister Lloyd patted his stomach, distended by an excellent breakfast. ?Well, it?s good that you defeated the cult, Chantrys. Now we of Imnesvale can rest happily in our own beds, and leave you to the peace of the forest.?

?Thank you, Lloyd. I?m always glad to be of service.?

?I can?t believe you didn?t kill them!? Nelleck?s eyebrows jumped fiercely as he spoke. ?Rabbits are vermin! Vermin, I tell you!?

?But they?re so cute?their little twitchy noses and those puffy little tails??

?Thank you again,? said Minister Lloyd firmly. ?Your timely intervention was all that was needed. Come along, Nelleck.?

The farmer allowed himself to be ushered out the door, muttering all the while about soft-hearted rangers who didn?t understand the realities of farming life.

?And that is that,? said Chantrys. ?Now we can have a nice, relaxing?ACHOO!?

?Time for your Claritin, love.? Kelsey fumbled in the cupboard and pulled out a large glass flask. He measured out a small dose and handed the spoon to Chantrys, who took her medicine stoically.

?Just as well that everyone has left. I?m going to need a nap very soon.?

?Yes, you do tire easily nowadays. I should do something about that.?

?Just change your formula to a non-drowsy one, and we can get back to living happily ever after.?

?Except for when you refuse to wash up.?

?Kelsey, I told you when we first moved in together, I don?t do dishes!?

?I think this is my cue to leave,? Jaheira said, edging towards the door. ?Best of luck, Kelsey, Chantrys.?

?Why can?t you do a few dishes here and there? Why do I have to do them all??

?You?re the one who makes most of the mess, with your potion-concocting and midnight snacking.?

?MY midnight snacking? I?m not the one who thinks that a whole salmon and mashed turnips are an appropriate thing to eat late at night.?

Jaheira shut the door behind her, heaving a sigh of relief. Thank goodness that?s over. Whatever waits in Athkatla, it cannot be half as painful as getting caught in an inane argument. Squaring her shoulders, she strode away under the sun-dappled forest canopy.