Comments on "Where o' where can Aerie and..
#1
Posted 06 April 2004 - 04:35 PM
No. No, they really are defunct.
#2
Posted 07 April 2004 - 06:49 PM
You certainly have a provocative story going here! I like your exchange between Lilacor and your main character.
However, might I suggest that you put paragraph breaks between the change in speakers? It will make your dialogue easier to read, and it will be better appreciated for it's humor -- especially the Lilacor exchanges.
You also might want to consider contacting Mo, our co-moderator for some assistance with proofreading. She is starting a list of gallant volunteers to help on that front.
MG
#3
Posted 08 April 2004 - 03:18 PM
#4
Posted 08 April 2004 - 06:19 PM
#5
Posted 09 April 2004 - 11:19 AM
Thanks for the support, I plan to write more soon!
Edit: Months later I noticed how bad my writing was
Edited by discharger12, 21 December 2004 - 07:15 PM.
No. No, they really are defunct.
#6
Posted 09 April 2004 - 11:21 AM
No. No, they really are defunct.
#7
Posted 09 April 2004 - 11:49 AM
A humerous tale, but it could use some style work. What my co Mod suggested above, that you seperate out your dialogue into seperate paragraphs... such as
"So, dude, wanna beer?" asked Neeber. "Sure." said Noober. "Cool, bottoms up!"
is harder to read than
"So, dude, wanna beer?" asked Neeber.
"Sure." said Noober.
"Cool, bottoms up!"
You get much better seperation and clarity. And in this case we realize that Neeber said cool, not Noober.
Also, there are a lot of free spell checkers and such out there (Check out Download.com). And I hate to harp on it, but something as simple as spelling really can make or break a story, because it can take your reader out and break the flow.
Welcome though and I hope that you enjoy your stay in FW FanFic
VH
#8
Posted 09 April 2004 - 04:19 PM
No. No, they really are defunct.
#9
Posted 09 April 2004 - 04:19 PM
Forgot what I updated..
UPDATE 4/10/04
I've added part II along with a few small changes to Part I
Enjoy
UPDATE 4/18/04
I've finally done part III, along with a few changes to part II. I also noticed that I had Edwina in Sendai's forest, which didn't make sense. So now I've included that with my story
Somethings like the bed in part II won't sound significant, but they will. Don't you worry.
No. No, they really are defunct.
#10
Posted 19 April 2004 - 12:57 PM
No. No, they really are defunct.
#11
Posted 22 April 2004 - 02:48 PM
Sorry for any frustration my bad spelling/grammer/inapproprateness caused.
Thanks again to MorningGlory, you have my eternal thanks! ;D
No. No, they really are defunct.
#12
Posted 09 December 2005 - 11:03 PM
No. No, they really are defunct.
#13
Posted 10 December 2005 - 06:33 AM
There were a few things I thought could be even better with some additional tweaking, though. Let me know if you want me to post it here or in PM/IM (or not at all).
One thing, however:
I'm sure it should read 'than'.Aerie in a to-the-death battle with none other then Edwina.
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#14
Posted 10 December 2005 - 04:15 PM
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#15
Posted 11 December 2005 - 01:54 PM
No. No, they really are defunct.