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#1 discharger12

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Posted 06 April 2004 - 04:35 PM

Comments!
Defunct, but r teh rly, lol: Tork NPC, WOWCAAVB?, Barbados NPC, Anti-Ding0 Chinchilla NPC, Attack of the Bears!

No. No, they really are defunct.

#2 MorningGlory

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Posted 07 April 2004 - 06:49 PM

Hi, discharger12!

You certainly have a provocative story going here! I like your exchange between Lilacor and your main character.

However, might I suggest that you put paragraph breaks between the change in speakers? ;) It will make your dialogue easier to read, and it will be better appreciated for it's humor -- especially the Lilacor exchanges. :D

You also might want to consider contacting Mo, our co-moderator for some assistance with proofreading. She is starting a list of gallant volunteers to help on that front.

MG

#3 Lord Kain

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Posted 08 April 2004 - 03:18 PM

i'm reminded of a fanfic i read on fanfiction.net where Aerie and Viconia decided so SHARE the PC. Of course in that fic they didn't have the two elves making out. Well not so far anyway.

#4 Rastor

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Posted 08 April 2004 - 06:19 PM

You've got me wondering where this is going, that's for sure.
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#5 discharger12

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 11:19 AM

I currently do not have any spell checkers on my computer..
Thanks for the support, I plan to write more soon!

Edit: Months later I noticed how bad my writing was :P

Edited by discharger12, 21 December 2004 - 07:15 PM.

Defunct, but r teh rly, lol: Tork NPC, WOWCAAVB?, Barbados NPC, Anti-Ding0 Chinchilla NPC, Attack of the Bears!

No. No, they really are defunct.

#6 discharger12

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 11:21 AM

I forgot to add that a teaser includes Aerie in leather.. and being not-so innocent :)
Defunct, but r teh rly, lol: Tork NPC, WOWCAAVB?, Barbados NPC, Anti-Ding0 Chinchilla NPC, Attack of the Bears!

No. No, they really are defunct.

#7 VigaHrolf

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 11:49 AM

Discharger...

A humerous tale, but it could use some style work. What my co Mod suggested above, that you seperate out your dialogue into seperate paragraphs... such as

"So, dude, wanna beer?" asked Neeber. "Sure." said Noober. "Cool, bottoms up!"
is harder to read than

"So, dude, wanna beer?" asked Neeber.

"Sure." said Noober.

"Cool, bottoms up!"

You get much better seperation and clarity. And in this case we realize that Neeber said cool, not Noober.

Also, there are a lot of free spell checkers and such out there (Check out Download.com). And I hate to harp on it, but something as simple as spelling really can make or break a story, because it can take your reader out and break the flow.

Welcome though and I hope that you enjoy your stay in FW FanFic

VH

#8 discharger12

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 04:19 PM

Thanks for the tips, I'll update it soon :)
Defunct, but r teh rly, lol: Tork NPC, WOWCAAVB?, Barbados NPC, Anti-Ding0 Chinchilla NPC, Attack of the Bears!

No. No, they really are defunct.

#9 discharger12

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 04:19 PM

UPDATE: 4/9/04

Forgot what I updated.. :P

UPDATE 4/10/04

I've added part II along with a few small changes to Part I

Enjoy :)

UPDATE 4/18/04

I've finally done part III, along with a few changes to part II. I also noticed that I had Edwina in Sendai's forest, which didn't make sense. So now I've included that with my story :)

Somethings like the bed in part II won't sound significant, but they will. Don't you worry. ^_^
Defunct, but r teh rly, lol: Tork NPC, WOWCAAVB?, Barbados NPC, Anti-Ding0 Chinchilla NPC, Attack of the Bears!

No. No, they really are defunct.

#10 discharger12

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Posted 19 April 2004 - 12:57 PM

It would REALLY help if someone could PM me about proofreading my story. If you have the time...
Defunct, but r teh rly, lol: Tork NPC, WOWCAAVB?, Barbados NPC, Anti-Ding0 Chinchilla NPC, Attack of the Bears!

No. No, they really are defunct.

#11 discharger12

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Posted 22 April 2004 - 02:48 PM

Thanks to MorningGlory my story has been totally revamped, and should be a tale fit for.. a decent human being. I've changed a particular part that was bugging people to something a little more 'appropriate'

Sorry for any frustration my bad spelling/grammer/inapproprateness caused.

Thanks again to MorningGlory, you have my eternal thanks! ;D
Defunct, but r teh rly, lol: Tork NPC, WOWCAAVB?, Barbados NPC, Anti-Ding0 Chinchilla NPC, Attack of the Bears!

No. No, they really are defunct.

#12 discharger12

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Posted 09 December 2005 - 11:03 PM

I?m incredibly sorry that it took so long for me to start writing on this again. I actually did make a Part IV last year, but my computer was wiped, and the person I sent it to lost it, and decided that he was fairly busy. After finding a new editor, I wrote a second Part IV, but the person stopped coming to the forum and my computer got wiped again! So, finally, I?ve decided to take heart and work on this after so long. Again, I?m sorry for promising something I didn?t accomplish. On time, that is.
Defunct, but r teh rly, lol: Tork NPC, WOWCAAVB?, Barbados NPC, Anti-Ding0 Chinchilla NPC, Attack of the Bears!

No. No, they really are defunct.

#13 SConrad

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Posted 10 December 2005 - 06:33 AM

Nice to see a new part of this story being introduced. I think most of us had lost hope of seeing the fanfic continued! :)

There were a few things I thought could be even better with some additional tweaking, though. Let me know if you want me to post it here or in PM/IM (or not at all). ;)

One thing, however:

Aerie in a to-the-death battle with none other then Edwina.

I'm sure it should read 'than'. ;)

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#14 Shadowhawke

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Posted 10 December 2005 - 04:15 PM

I second SConrad; it's good to see you're continuing this fic. :). I must say, it definitely keeps the reader on their toes.

Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love

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And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain


#15 discharger12

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Posted 11 December 2005 - 01:54 PM

Thanks very much. :)
Defunct, but r teh rly, lol: Tork NPC, WOWCAAVB?, Barbados NPC, Anti-Ding0 Chinchilla NPC, Attack of the Bears!

No. No, they really are defunct.