Alright guys, fire away, but think happy thoughts if you're shooting to kill!
Comments on "Late Goodbye"
Started by Icelandic-Boy, Jun 13 2004 07:57 PM
4 replies to this topic
#2
-Ashara-
-Ashara-
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- Guest
Posted 13 June 2004 - 09:11 PM
An interesting idea to carry over the Bhaalspawn to NWN, though it become a very complicated tale indeed. 
....When I lost Viconia, I was devastated. I was feared. I was hated. I was admired. I was hunted. But I was not loved, despite of all my efforts, even the elves wanted nothing to do with me, nor did anyone pay any attention to all the good deeds I had done. Instead, they focused on what I was.
There is a contradiction of sorts in this paragraph, because "I was admired" contrasts against "nobody payed any attention to all the good deeds" Perhaps expanding on who admired the PC can be beneficial, since I suspect that you suggest that that was dark people who admired PC's killing power. You also draw heavily on the compassion from the reader in your openning for your PC;
But when reading that Aribeth had made call to all would-be-heroes, I was intruiqed, and so went to Neverwinter. And, of course, I choose not to reveal all of my wizard-powers during my ?training?, it would simply just cause too much trouble and far too many questions.
perhaps a ; after training or "since" or whatever feels the best to you after 'training" will be beneficial. I liked the way the unorthodoxal way the character is introduced into NWN, though I think it is a bit of an overkill (no pun intended) that he managed to destroy orcs only. Imo, adding a few causlties might make him less of a victimized hero in his own eyes and still would gain his appreciation and addmittance into the Academy.
INo one seemed to have listened to my pray.
Perhaps "my prayer"? or "me pray"?
I blame myself for Fenthick?s death because of my arrogance.
When I faced Desther, I became arrogant at the time, I was so used to winning, I did not prebear myself as well as I should had, and I was seriosly wounded after our fight, and when I, Desther and Fenthick teleported back to Castle Never, I collapsed.
The day I woke up, was the day they hanged Fenthick.
This paragraph relies on your reader knowing NWN plot. Unfortunately, it is a trap when writting the game ff, as I have noticed. You might want to give a few more details about Desther, the way you introduced Aribeth in.
Should someone be punished for thinking someone to be his friend, and then find out they weren?t? Should he be executed for trusting someone?
Uhm... perhaps, to avoid triple someone you can simplify to smthg like
Should one be punished for thinking a false man to be his friend? Should one be executed for trusting?
The people demanded Fenthick?s blood, but I was known among them as they?re savior, and my words could have changed Fenthick?s fate, but instead, an innocent soul was executed, all because I became arrogant.
their savior.
When I loaded a game in BG2, I saw a line telling me I could import my BG character into the Neverwinter game. Before I knew it, I had this above inside my head and some time to kill, and this is the result.
Hope I?ve managed to capture some emotions in it.
I want to say that I am NOT an english speaker, nor do I have a spell-checker. Been meaning to get it, but I just haven?t done it. So if you intend to flame all this just because of spelling-errors, please be gentle. That?s all I ask for.
As for wether if I might continue, well.....I have no clue. Who knows, maybe. Then again, maybe not. For all I know, you people might hate me for writing this.
It is an interesting retell and an attempt to show the world's sorrow converge onto one man. However, squished in such a short piece it made me see the character as one-dimensional, simplified. While it is clear from the feelinspellholdstudios.netgs you have shown that you tried to portray a very complex character. So I will cheer for you to expand it into a full tale set in the key points of NWN game with flashbacks to BG. I hope you do not take the grammar tips I did left behind as flames - the only reason I put them in is because I am an ESL myself and cherish the grammar feedback, because it helps me when I re-edit a story
....When I lost Viconia, I was devastated. I was feared. I was hated. I was admired. I was hunted. But I was not loved, despite of all my efforts, even the elves wanted nothing to do with me, nor did anyone pay any attention to all the good deeds I had done. Instead, they focused on what I was.
There is a contradiction of sorts in this paragraph, because "I was admired" contrasts against "nobody payed any attention to all the good deeds" Perhaps expanding on who admired the PC can be beneficial, since I suspect that you suggest that that was dark people who admired PC's killing power. You also draw heavily on the compassion from the reader in your openning for your PC;
But when reading that Aribeth had made call to all would-be-heroes, I was intruiqed, and so went to Neverwinter. And, of course, I choose not to reveal all of my wizard-powers during my ?training?, it would simply just cause too much trouble and far too many questions.
perhaps a ; after training or "since" or whatever feels the best to you after 'training" will be beneficial. I liked the way the unorthodoxal way the character is introduced into NWN, though I think it is a bit of an overkill (no pun intended) that he managed to destroy orcs only. Imo, adding a few causlties might make him less of a victimized hero in his own eyes and still would gain his appreciation and addmittance into the Academy.
INo one seemed to have listened to my pray.
Perhaps "my prayer"? or "me pray"?
I blame myself for Fenthick?s death because of my arrogance.
When I faced Desther, I became arrogant at the time, I was so used to winning, I did not prebear myself as well as I should had, and I was seriosly wounded after our fight, and when I, Desther and Fenthick teleported back to Castle Never, I collapsed.
The day I woke up, was the day they hanged Fenthick.
This paragraph relies on your reader knowing NWN plot. Unfortunately, it is a trap when writting the game ff, as I have noticed. You might want to give a few more details about Desther, the way you introduced Aribeth in.
Should someone be punished for thinking someone to be his friend, and then find out they weren?t? Should he be executed for trusting someone?
Uhm... perhaps, to avoid triple someone you can simplify to smthg like
Should one be punished for thinking a false man to be his friend? Should one be executed for trusting?
The people demanded Fenthick?s blood, but I was known among them as they?re savior, and my words could have changed Fenthick?s fate, but instead, an innocent soul was executed, all because I became arrogant.
their savior.
When I loaded a game in BG2, I saw a line telling me I could import my BG character into the Neverwinter game. Before I knew it, I had this above inside my head and some time to kill, and this is the result.
Hope I?ve managed to capture some emotions in it.
I want to say that I am NOT an english speaker, nor do I have a spell-checker. Been meaning to get it, but I just haven?t done it. So if you intend to flame all this just because of spelling-errors, please be gentle. That?s all I ask for.
As for wether if I might continue, well.....I have no clue. Who knows, maybe. Then again, maybe not. For all I know, you people might hate me for writing this.
It is an interesting retell and an attempt to show the world's sorrow converge onto one man. However, squished in such a short piece it made me see the character as one-dimensional, simplified. While it is clear from the feelinspellholdstudios.netgs you have shown that you tried to portray a very complex character. So I will cheer for you to expand it into a full tale set in the key points of NWN game with flashbacks to BG. I hope you do not take the grammar tips I did left behind as flames - the only reason I put them in is because I am an ESL myself and cherish the grammar feedback, because it helps me when I re-edit a story
#3
Beyshaliban
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- Member
- 738 posts
With A Vengeance
Posted 14 June 2004 - 12:21 AM
Ahh... yes, I remember the promise to be able to import BG characters to NWN. But from what I've heard that is not possible, due to the rule changes or some such?
Anyway, a good idea to start a NWN story. Someone did that a while ago, but stopped continuing it, for whatever reason.
There are more ESLs around than one would guess. So no sweating about that. A spell and grammar checker is helpful, and a dictionary as well.
May I ask what your native language is? Is your Username an indication?
You had an interesting idea and you should definitely expand it. Giving more detailed background to those who never played NWN (like me. I started several times, but it just didn't grip me the way BG did. I'm still willing to give it a try, tho.)
If you want more indepth help before you post, you can PM MorningGlory, our dedicated moderator. She will try to match you up with a proof-reader, if you wish.
Bey
Anyway, a good idea to start a NWN story. Someone did that a while ago, but stopped continuing it, for whatever reason.
There are more ESLs around than one would guess. So no sweating about that. A spell and grammar checker is helpful, and a dictionary as well.
May I ask what your native language is? Is your Username an indication?
You had an interesting idea and you should definitely expand it. Giving more detailed background to those who never played NWN (like me. I started several times, but it just didn't grip me the way BG did. I'm still willing to give it a try, tho.)
If you want more indepth help before you post, you can PM MorningGlory, our dedicated moderator. She will try to match you up with a proof-reader, if you wish.
Bey
#4
MorningGlory
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- Member
- 796 posts
Posted 14 June 2004 - 12:54 PM
Welcome, Icelandic-Boy!
Glad to see you don your hip boots and wade right in here with the rest of us.
I read your story, and I would like to compliment you on it. It's fresh, it's clean, and it is entertaining. I enjoyed it. Difficult to write/conceive any type of cross-over, but you made a good stab at it and I hope you don't stop there.
By the way, we do have many resources here for both novice and seasoned writers. We have many ESL people here that participate, and a rag-tag bunch of us that barely know English and have lived either in UK or the US all our lives. Should you want some help with a beta-reader, a proof-reader, or just an old-fashioned editor, please let me know. I like to pair up people individually (and, I might add, have been accused of being a 'matchmaker' in the process, *harummph*) on the basis of strengths/needs, so if I can help at all, please pm me.
Again.. WELCOME! It is wonderful to have you with us and we look forward to more in the future.. that's 'near' future, btw...
MG
Glad to see you don your hip boots and wade right in here with the rest of us.
I read your story, and I would like to compliment you on it. It's fresh, it's clean, and it is entertaining. I enjoyed it. Difficult to write/conceive any type of cross-over, but you made a good stab at it and I hope you don't stop there.
By the way, we do have many resources here for both novice and seasoned writers. We have many ESL people here that participate, and a rag-tag bunch of us that barely know English and have lived either in UK or the US all our lives. Should you want some help with a beta-reader, a proof-reader, or just an old-fashioned editor, please let me know. I like to pair up people individually (and, I might add, have been accused of being a 'matchmaker' in the process, *harummph*) on the basis of strengths/needs, so if I can help at all, please pm me.
Again.. WELCOME!
It is wonderful to have you with us and we look forward to more in the future.. that's 'near' future, btw...MG
#5
-Icelandic-Boy-
-Icelandic-Boy-
-
- Guest
Posted 14 June 2004 - 06:50 PM
Yes, I hail from Iceland.
Listen, truth to be told, when I was writing this, I was just writing what came into my head, and I knew that there would be parts I would forget that I shouldn't had, and other sentances that could be put differendly.
I am also aware of the timeline between NWN and the first expansion pack, that both happen around the same time. But damnit, this is MY fic, and I feel I can bend couple of things. A lot of people have done it, so why not me?
OH, and while I remember. In case you somehow didn't realise it, I was writing it as a diary of sort. Thought I'd mention that.
As for continuing, I honestly don't know. I have written couple of stories, some about NWN and BG, some about other stuff. But in the end, I always end up bored and stope writting it. So....let's just say that you shouldn't hold your breath.
Let's leave it at that.
Listen, truth to be told, when I was writing this, I was just writing what came into my head, and I knew that there would be parts I would forget that I shouldn't had, and other sentances that could be put differendly.
I am also aware of the timeline between NWN and the first expansion pack, that both happen around the same time. But damnit, this is MY fic, and I feel I can bend couple of things. A lot of people have done it, so why not me?
OH, and while I remember. In case you somehow didn't realise it, I was writing it as a diary of sort. Thought I'd mention that.
As for continuing, I honestly don't know. I have written couple of stories, some about NWN and BG, some about other stuff. But in the end, I always end up bored and stope writting it. So....let's just say that you shouldn't hold your breath.
Let's leave it at that.
