15 replies to this topic

[Aliya]

I think, you do have some of your favourite conversations from BG. And your task is write your favourite and funny, dialogs. Something like this:
Tiana: You!! Have you seen my husband?! I know he is around here somewhere!!

Anomen: SILENCE, BEFORE I CRACK YOUR SKULL!!! (*Snicker*)

Mazzy: Jan, I find you quite the enigma. This adventure has yielded us a crop of useful magical items and yet you turn your considerable powers to the never-ending quest to create the perfect turnip peeler. How can someone so clever be so shortsighted?
Jan: Well, Mazzy, you?re really asking two questions there. My shortsightedness was passed on to me by my dear departed father. I was born with the condition and I?ll thank you not to stare! As to your other question, it takes me back to my carefree days as a deckhand on a turnip mechant galleon. We sailed for distant Waterdeep, we did, braving foul seas, foul tempers and a desperate band of turnip pirates.
Mazzy: You are mentally incapable of answering a straight question, aren?t you gnome?
Jan: ?Twas on a cold winter?s night near the beginning of the Great Underwear Shortage that we set sail. I danced naked on the poop deck, which was the custom at the time. Well, my nose and other extremities were getting a bit frosty so I gathered up the tatters of my poor, abused, underwear and headed to the crow?s nest.
Mazzy: Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
Jan: Well, I never! You did ask, after all.
Mazzy: SHUT UP!!!

Edited by Aliya, 19 August 2008 - 11:39 AM.

[Vicen]

Heh interesting banter between those 2...I almost never take Jan and have never taken Mazzy...

For me I would say when Anomen goes crazy and fails his test and him and Keldorn go at it and fight dont remember the lines but it certainly is a hoot!

[Aliya]

This is my second favourite.

Keldorn: Imoen! What... are you pawing at me yet again? Do you think I do not notice? You are attempting to pickpocket me, aren't you?
Imoen: Well, no... I just...
Keldorn: Just what? Out with it girl. I won't have a party member stealing from me.
Imoen: No, no, that's not it! I... I was just... I was just trying to find out if you're as muscular under your armour as you look. Oh, I know that you're married and all that Keldorn... but do you have *any* idea how good you look? I... I can't help myself, I just what to touch you all the time!
Keldorn: Imoen! I... I have a daughter that is the same age as you!
Imoen: I don't know what it is Keldorn, maybe it's the Bhaal essence in me. I just want to run my fingers through your hair and nibble on your ears! Oh, Keldorn, you drive me so wild!
Keldorn: By Torm, no! This is terrible! I... I had no idea I had this effect on you...
Imoen: Oh get over yourself already, Keldorn! Sheesh.
*Imoen giggles*
Imoen: Here's your ring back. I won't take it again, I promise.

And the full version...

Jan: Anomen, my friend, I realise I've been less than polite with you in the past and I wish to apologize.
Anomen: Verily, you have played me most false.
Jan: Indeed! All know you're an unrepentant ass. 'Tis not my place to say so.
Anomen: Shut up, gnome.
Jan: Your ugliness, both in body and soul, thought true, is inappropriate for discussion and rankly impolite. You're stupid, poorly educated, and always smell faintly of lilacs, but it was wrong of me to bring attention to it.
Anomen: Silence before I CRACK YOUR SKULL!
Jan: Arrogant, drunken, priggish, whiny, pompous are common adjectives used to describe you, but I was wrong to say so. You are completely incapable of independent thought and soil yourself with regularity seldom found outside the nursery. I shall no longer bring these things up in front of the others.

[Danilus]

There are a few which stand out (mostly by Edwin)

Aerie: Why do you talk to yourself Edwin?
Edwin: What? Oh, why, hello Aerie. I, ah... don?t do anything of the... (No, now is not the time to make arguments). Why are you asking?
Aerie: I - I was just wondering when I get to meet him.
Edwin: (There?s no one to meet). There?s no one to meet. Get away from me! You?ll make me crazy, you will, and I?ll not have two pieces of it!!

When hes a woman:
Edwin: (I will kill ALL of them. Slowly. With ... with HOT pokey things and ... and coals and ... and prods. Yessss, prods. Many, many prods.)

And this one
Viconia: Dark alleyways whisper rumors of the prowess of Thayvian men, Edwin. Would this kind of vulgar tongue-wagging be claptrap or truth.
Edwin: This Thayvian male is as red-blooded as his cloak, Viconia. And has left many a concubine gasping under my erotic onslaught.

[Aliya]

Ahh...classic:
I recall only the first part, of my third favourite:

(If only you leave these two alone) Edwina: Pst... Aerie... - Whisper.
Aerie: Loud Voice - Edwin! You scared me imagine that. Oh, you don't know how silly you look! Now w-what do you want?

[Cal Jones]

Sarevok: Ranger! Turn your rodent?s gaze another direction! I will not be scrutinized as though by some ridiculous divining rod!
Minsc: Boo has an uncanny judge of character, but you ... you give him trouble.
Sarevok: I shall give him more than that if this continues! I nearly conquered a nation! I will not be judged by a creature that stores nuts in its cheeks!
Minsc: Food storage aside, Boo controls himself far better than you do. Do you see him ranting about mere glances? Let?s look.
Sarevok: What?
Minsc: There, you see? No rant. In fact, right now we see him snuffling about for a comfy place to sleep. Admirable restraint.
Sarevok: I?m still in hell, aren?t I? This is insanity.
Minsc: Ah, finally a calming look across your face. Boo?s handywork, no doubt. Doesn?t that feel better?
Sarevok: Let?s ... let?s go kill something. Soon.

[Aliya]

"Rodent gaze" isn't it?
Never heard of this...

Still, perfect for relaxation...

[Vhaira]

Great thread

I have to contribute something, although I'm not sure I have it word for word...

Haer'Dalis:(at Trademeet) Ah, the great city of commerce... perhaps we can sell Jaheira.
Jaheira: *sigh* cut your wit, Bard, the day has been long already without you adding hours to it.

I also love this one, and I KNOW it, too.

Minsc: Friend Xan, do you trust Minsc?
Xan: What? Why would you ask such a thing?
Minsc: Please, just answer Minsc.
Xan: Well...you're not so bad for a human. Too bad you'll end up as a casualty of our hopeless cause, which, as I pointed out before, has every chance to...
Minsc: Yes, yes. Please give Minsc your hand and close your eyes.
Xan: Minsc, what's come over you? Let go of me!
Minsc: Please, no peaking.
Xan:Very well, but you should know you behavior starts to worry me more each day. Perhaps you should...
Minsc: Here. Feel the furry bundle of goodness that is Boo, and let his hamster fuzziness clear away your troubles. Smile little wizard, for no troubles can resist the soothing touch of a hamster!
Xan: What?! Let me go you deceiver, let me go!
Minsc: Boo, your powers seem to have been too much for the little elf. Look how he dances around after you have freed his mind of worries.
Xan: What were you doing? Are you trying to kill me? Great gods of Evermeet, please, don't let me catch the plague!
Minsc: Oh, no need to thank Minsc. Boo was the one that brought you such joy.
Xan: Joy?! You call THIS joy?!! Have you any idea what diseases can I get from touching that rodent?! Oh gods, I need to wash my hands! They're starting to itch! (sneeze)
*Squeak*
Minsc: Yes Boo, he seems more alive than ever. Look, he's turning red from excitement and his whole body seems to puff with merriment. Oh, you'll get some extra nuts tonight mister. You certainly deserve them.

[Aliya]

Jan: Korgy old pal, have I ever told you how much you remind me of my uncle, Uriah Twin-Hammers?
Korgan: Watch yer step, gnome. If ye make me angry, I?ll bury the head of me axe so far up yer backside yer breath will smell like magic metal!
Jan: That?s exactly the kind of thing Twin-Hammers would say. He was a ruthless, savage, bloodthirsty outlaw who would kill anyone or anything that got in his way. He used to repeatedly terrorize a certain gnomish village he frequently wandered through in his neverending quest for profit and bloodshed.
Korgan: A man after me own black heart! Carry on, gnome ... ye got me blood stirrin?!
Jan: Of course, all good things come to an end. Fed up with Uriah?s antics, the village hired a hero to protect them and enforce the law - the legendary Clint Hackman (so named for his habit of chopping his foes to little bits). With the townsfolk peering from their windows the outlaw and the famous lawman stared each other down in the center of the dusty, deserted street. Cold as ice, Uriah said: ?I?ve killed women and children. I?ve killed everything that walks or crawls on this earth. And now I?m here to kill you.? Alas, Uriah met his end on that street. With his first blow he broke his hammer on Hackman?s shield, and that was it. Weaponless, he wasn?t much of a match for the mighty Clint. If my uncle had only been named Two-Hammer because he carried two weapons he still might be alive today. But Uriah got his nickname for the mighty hammer he carried in his belt and the even mightier ... uh, ?hammer? he had *beneath* his belt, if you get my drift. A fine instrument to have, but not much good in a fight.
Korgan: HAR! HAR! HAR! ?Tis a good thing ye know yer audience, gnome ... me axe stays in me belt.

Captain Har Har, is on the bridge!

[Danilus]

From ToB Minsc and Sarevok

Minsc: Eh, so, ?Sarevok?, if that is your real name, what do you remember of our previous battles?
Sarevok: What are you getting at, ranger? I remember you well enough.
Minsc: I am not completely convinced that you are who you say you are, standing there saying you are.
Sarevok: And I am too feel bad that I do not have your validation? No, if my identity is a problem for you then let my actions speak instead.
Minsc: Boo agrees. You are welcome beside us if you effectively apply the boots of goodness.
Sarevok: Your deluded comments are unnecessary. (CHARNAME) directs my wrath as (HE or SHE) sees fit.
Minsc: A fine choice of mentor, but again, you do not seem like a ?Sarevok? to me. Too much humble, and not enough, ?RAAAAGH, feel my unholy rage.?

Poor deluded Minsc

[Aliya]

Aerie: You seem to be limping, Jan. Have you been hurt recently?
Jan: No, lass, I?m not hurt and the limp is not new. I?ve had it as long as you?ve known me. 'Tis a wooden leg you see. I was smuggling crackers into Waterdeep several years back. The Council had outlawed them due to near constant cracker-related debauchery, you see... I couldn?t let THAT pass. The Council had sealed off all ports and mobilized the army to stop all cracker entry. The city was shut down, martial law was declared and people huddled in their homes for fear and want of crackers. I could not stand idly by while such persecution was visited on the somewhat innocent peoples of Waterdeep. So I smuggled crackers. Salted, unsalted, and herb-riddled alike, it mattered not. All came in and all were consumed in secret orgies of cracker-related tomfoolery. Then came the unpleasant business with the hanging. I hadn?t seen Picklefeather?s eyes bulge like that since that Wyvern kicked him in the ba... (Oops! Innocent elvish lass, have to watch the tongue) uh... in the arm. (Yes, that will do.) The moral of the story is, you reap what you sow. I still own a warehouse full of saltines. I send a box each year to all my friends. Seem to have fewer friends each year as a result, but that's to be expected.
Aerie: What does that have to do with your wooden leg?
Jan: What wooden leg? I have no wooden leg.
Aerie: Grrrr! You?re IMPOSSIBLE!
Jan: Why yes, I suppose I am, at that. (grin)

[Discordia]

Aerie: I have a question for you, Imoen... you have the taint of Bhaal within you? Does this mean you will turn into the Slayer as well?
Imoen: I certainly hope not. I... I've been thinking more and more lately about that, myself, though.
Aerie: It must be an awful feeling. I cannot imagine how <Protagonist> deals with it.
Imoen: Yeah... s/he's been dealing with it longer, too. Sometimes, when it's quiet... I can hear the taint in my heart whispering to me. It says awful things and I almost want to scream to shut them out.
Aerie: (gasp!) You... you haven't done anything that it's said, have you?
Imoen: Well... other than that time I got up in the middle of the night to snatch a bag of cinnamon cookies, heck no.
Aerie: Oh, goo-... what? Cinnamon cookies?
Imoen: Ha ha! Oh, come on, Aerie! Lighten up, willya? I'll tell ya what, if I have any desires to murder you in the middle of the night, you'll be the first to know, okay?
Aerie: That's not very funny, Imoen. <Charname> never makes fun of his/her condition that way.
<Charname>: Well, it's been so much easier when I discovered all the Slayer really wants is a sandwich...
Aerie: Oh, fine. Everyone seems determined to make fun of me. I'll stand back here, thank you.

Edited by Discordia, 04 September 2008 - 03:49 AM.

[Aliya]

Jan: Minsc! Look out behind you!
Minsc: Where? He who sneaks on Minsc loses teeth!
Jan: C'mon Boo! Quickly, come to Jan!
Minsc: Stop it! Boo is not for you, tiny! You'll hurt him!
Jan: He likes me. Gnomes are far cuddlier than oafish humans.
Minsc: No, I know what is best when talking of Boo. If you could hear his wishes, you would agree, but you cannot. The words of Boo are for Minsc alone.
Jan: You can't fault a fellow for trying.
Minsc: I can and will. And another thing; no more sneaking Boo crackers! He is getting rather portly, and the crumbs make for an itchy bedroll.

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Jan: Ah, Minsc! 'Tis truly a beautiful day, no?
Minsc: Weather is nice, maybe.
Jan: It is day to get out into the world, breathe in the fresh air.
Minsc: (grunt)
Jan: Too bad, though...
Minsc: What is too bad?
Jan: It's too bad that I won't live to enjoy it.
Minsc: What do you mean?
Jan: Hadn't you heard, old friend. I've got the Calimshan Itch. Alas, poor Jan! (sob, sob)
Minsc: An itch? Can you not scratch it?
Jan: Only death will cure this itch. I shall not live out this day. Oh, terrible powers of the heavens! Why will you let me die without granting me a final wish? Cruel, cruel fate!
Minsc: What can Minsc do to help? A tragedy, this is! I will slay those that need slaying!
Jan: I do have one final wish...no, no. I do not wish to burden my companions with my death. My teensy-weensy wish is unimportant. Travel on, good Minsc. Carry the torch and so forth.
Minsc: It is only fair, big-nosed little one. We will do all that we can to aid you.
Jan: Truly, it is a small thing. As a child I had a pet hamster, named Spanky. Those were the only pure days in my life. Every day was perfection. Oh, the pain! If I could just hold a hamster while I die, perhaps I could capture the innocence of my youth and die a happy gnome.
Minsc: You will not steal Boo from me! I know your tricks!
Jan: Tis no trick, (cough, cough). Neverthelesss, you are correct about one thing, my oafish friend. I do not deserve happiness. Please, leave me to my excruciatingly painful death. I am close now... Spanky I miss you!
Minsc: Boo shall comfort the little dying gnome for a moment. Only a moment!
Jan: Ah, thank you, Minsc. May I have a moment alone?
Minsc: Alone? No, I draw the line... hey! Stand still! I warn you!
Jan: At last Boo is mine! I cannot believe this stupid trick worked. Come, noble hamster, a life of frivolity awaits.
Minsc: I'll throttle with your own arms if you do not return him this instant! This is no longer amusing! It was never amusing! I am not laughing!
Jan: Alright, alright. It was only a jest, Minscy. I meant no harm.
Minsc: That's right, you apologize! It's hard enough keeping Boo's roaming in check without you stealing him. Bad Jan! There will be a booting if this happens again!

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Jan: So Viconia, I suppose you must be a drow, eh?
Viconia: Speak not to your betters, surface slave.
Jan: My brother, Elgar Buttercup, had skin the shade of charcoal, too. Well, technically it WAS charcoal. He died in a nasty fire, you see.
Viconia: You do love the sound of your own voice, don't you gnome?
Jan: My own voice? Heartless wench! Do you not know? I am deaf. I have never heard the sound of my own voice. I read lips... (sob)... only lips...
Viconia: Deaf? Truly? In the Underdark the deaf are killed or used in pain threshold experiments.
Jan: I heard that! In fact, it reminds me of the time I was eaten by an avatar of Lolth. I was stuck inside her stomach with a miserable drow called Biffle Chump for days. Of course, I was forced to eat him. A matter of survival, you understand. Nothing personal. He tasted a bit like chicken.
Viconia: [to Protagonist] How is it that you travel with such a wee buffoon?
Protagonist: Truthfully, it all goes back to the time that Jan's cousin, Plooty Paladin-piper, got caught in a nasty flesh golem eating contest...
Jan: Aye, Plooty had a way of attracting golems. Brilliant, really. You start with a saucer of milk - golems are suckers for milk...
Viconia: I refuse to listen to this.

[MrToughGuy]

Korgan: Aerie, ye wingless freak! Ye better spend some time practisin? yer spells afore the next battle! I won?t put with anymore of yer screw-ups!

Aerie: Leave me alone, you brute. I?m in no mood for this today.

Korgan: Aye, yer never in the mood for nothin? but weepy sentimentality! Stop playin? adventurer and crawl back to yer cage in the circus! At least if people pay a copper or two to see yer gangly, misshapen form ye might be worth somethin?!

Aerie: I can look after myself, you vile little man! (CHARNAME) knows I can hold my own when the rough stuff starts!

Korgan: Yer nothin? but a scrawny, whinin?, stump-backed, miscastin? mage wannabe!

Aerie: I?m sick of your insults, you bastard! You?re worth less than the feces of an unwashed kobold! You?re stupid, bigoted, mean, small minded and small membered! Now leave me alone or I?ll cast a spell of withering on that pathetic excuse for a manhood you?re always scratching at between your legs!

Korgan: Aye, that?s I been waitin? for! You?ll be blushin? fer a week when ye calm down and realize what y?eve said, lassie! My work here is done - Har, har, har!

[Aliya]

Cernd: As the simple wasp must coerce the flower to release its nectar, so will I rip your throat from its moorings and drain your lifeblood if I do not see Deril and my child! UNDERSTAND?!
Protagonist: Cernd, that was quite the outburst. I didn't think you had it in you.
Cernd: It's not so much in me as in a puddle around me. Scared myself, I did. It worked though.

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Minsc: Ooh, squirrels, Boo! I know I saw them! Quick, throw nuts!
Jaheira: Minsc, could you please maintain a little grace while in nature's presence? Sometimes I simply do not know how you came by your title of ranger.
Minsc: Do you wish me dour and sour like most others? No, I say not. The animals run and play without care, and I would too... if such a thing would not squish Boo flat.
Jaheira: But your duties are serious things, Minsc. Do you realise that?
Minsc: I am very serious! Boo would not let me shirk my duties! I would not want to shirk anything! No sir, no shirking!
Jaheira: Admirable, Minsc, but you use that word like you don't know what it means.
Minsc: Eh, well... no... but it sounds sharp and painful and I always reserve such things for freaks that might steal those squirrels' nuts!
Jaheira: Good job, Minsc. You keep it up.