I didn't know Shar-Teel was Jewish . . .
Well done.
Comments: Leaf, Bough, and two sweating Barbarians
Started by BobTokyo, Jun 26 2004 02:18 AM
5 replies to this topic
#1
BobTokyo
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- Member
- 1235 posts
Posted 26 June 2004 - 02:18 AM
Good take on a day in the life of an Evil party.
I didn't know Shar-Teel was Jewish . . .
Well done.
I didn't know Shar-Teel was Jewish . . .
Well done.
#2
Tancred
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- Member
- 209 posts
Hapless Paladin
Posted 28 June 2004 - 10:46 AM
*slaps forehead* And I MEANT to go back and change 'shmuck' too! D'oh.
Anyway, thanks.
Anyway, thanks.
#3
-Ashara-
-Ashara-
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- Guest
Posted 28 June 2004 - 11:16 AM
I liked how the story developed and the pacing was fast enough not to bore and slow enough to get clued in with a perfect stop in the middle to talk to the barbarians.
The portrayal of barbarians themselves was quite successful, and gave a good picture of brutal force without much brain. Their reasoning for cutting the tree down was brilliant characterization-wise. It is exactly simple enough and absolutely inconsiderable for a smarter person to see such logic.
What I felt divided about was the dryad's thoughts included as a part of the text; It may have flowed better if the whole encounter went from the party POV using body language and inter-party banter to show what they think the dryad is thinking.
Montaron killing Dryad for promising to cover them with fame was great and strong ending, but a bit of paragraphing there might have been helpful for a reader - I pit a bunch of notes here, because I really liked it and felt that it can be made to exert more impact, but I like it as is as well.
Suggestions:
He nodded, seemingly thoughtful, and the Dryad watched them slowly push aside the walls of the clearing, off on their journey once more. "I promise I shall speak well of you to anyone who I see!" she called after them and turned back to her beautiful tree, smiling.
While I liked the idea that he does not have a name, perhaps a descriptive term such as a ?young man?, ?man in black cloak?, ?the leader of the group? etc can help here, because later on, we will have two ?he??s. Also, I think it might be interesting to unite a couple of sentences here to eliminate everyone?s ?turning?s and make it more cohesive.
The content woodland being never saw the crossbow bolt that killed her. She didn't even have time to scream. Her last feelings were confusion... confusion and sadness as she felt the tree cry out. Then she died.
I would suggest with starting the paragraph with the ?Dryad? or Woodland being or something like that. Also it may be better if she ?heard the tree cry out? or ?felt her tree shudder?
He looked through the bushes, face twisted in sudden scorn, and gave silent approval of Montaron?s marksmanship.
"Oh no you damn well won't..." he muttered under his breath.
Here, is where I thought it can be helpful to use an extra identifier to deistinguish between PC and Montaron.
Good story with an interesting twist!
The portrayal of barbarians themselves was quite successful, and gave a good picture of brutal force without much brain. Their reasoning for cutting the tree down was brilliant characterization-wise. It is exactly simple enough and absolutely inconsiderable for a smarter person to see such logic.
What I felt divided about was the dryad's thoughts included as a part of the text; It may have flowed better if the whole encounter went from the party POV using body language and inter-party banter to show what they think the dryad is thinking.
Montaron killing Dryad for promising to cover them with fame was great and strong ending, but a bit of paragraphing there might have been helpful for a reader - I pit a bunch of notes here, because I really liked it and felt that it can be made to exert more impact, but I like it as is as well.
Suggestions:
He nodded, seemingly thoughtful, and the Dryad watched them slowly push aside the walls of the clearing, off on their journey once more. "I promise I shall speak well of you to anyone who I see!" she called after them and turned back to her beautiful tree, smiling.
While I liked the idea that he does not have a name, perhaps a descriptive term such as a ?young man?, ?man in black cloak?, ?the leader of the group? etc can help here, because later on, we will have two ?he??s. Also, I think it might be interesting to unite a couple of sentences here to eliminate everyone?s ?turning?s and make it more cohesive.
The content woodland being never saw the crossbow bolt that killed her. She didn't even have time to scream. Her last feelings were confusion... confusion and sadness as she felt the tree cry out. Then she died.
I would suggest with starting the paragraph with the ?Dryad? or Woodland being or something like that. Also it may be better if she ?heard the tree cry out? or ?felt her tree shudder?
He looked through the bushes, face twisted in sudden scorn, and gave silent approval of Montaron?s marksmanship.
"Oh no you damn well won't..." he muttered under his breath.
Here, is where I thought it can be helpful to use an extra identifier to deistinguish between PC and Montaron.
Good story with an interesting twist!
#4
Tancred
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- Member
- 209 posts
Hapless Paladin
Posted 28 June 2004 - 11:32 AM
Well, that's exactly what happens in-game; you get a REP bonus for saving the Dryad, which is a real pain when you're trying to keep an evil party together. Solution? Kill the Dryad afterwards.Montaron killing Dryad for promising to cover them with fame was great and strong ending
As for the rest, I'm looking at the flaws you mentioned now. Thanks.
#5
-Notmrt-
-Notmrt-
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- Guest
Posted 29 June 2004 - 02:57 AM
nice work heeh arather refreshing to have some antiheros lol
#6
MorningGlory
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- Member
- 796 posts
Posted 02 July 2004 - 09:23 PM
Nice take on this aspect of the game, Tancred. My anticipation grew as I read on, wondering how you were going to pull it off with the evil party and was very, very pleasantly rewarded with your ending.
Btw, I personally liked the effect of "...confusion and sadness as she felt the tree cry out..." I felt it emphasized the connection between the dryad and her tree, together as one, as it were. The dichotomy you used here with the sensory 'feel' and 'hear' expressed it very well. Very nice touch.
A fine read, and as Bob T pointed out (and I concur) 'very well done'. A couple of nice turnips for you, young lad? :turnip: :turnip: Er, a little bribe to get you going on another one for us. We wait patiently.
MG
Btw, I personally liked the effect of "...confusion and sadness as she felt the tree cry out..." I felt it emphasized the connection between the dryad and her tree, together as one, as it were. The dichotomy you used here with the sensory 'feel' and 'hear' expressed it very well. Very nice touch.
A fine read, and as Bob T pointed out (and I concur) 'very well done'. A couple of nice turnips for you, young lad? :turnip: :turnip: Er, a little bribe to get you going on another one for us.
We wait patiently.MG
