25 replies to this topic

[Dalis'ilhea]

Well, I've just started Chapter four a break from work and time to see if I can become any better. And I've come up with a new revelution!!! I'm going to, once finished, edit it because I feel that with lots of help (more likely then not more then lots :bash: ) it may be a damn sight easier to read and a bit more clear on some points, but back to writing now.

[Dalis'ilhea]

Extended Chapter three and the reason that Chapter 4 is separate is becasue I wanted to use the chapter heading

[Erephine]

Mind the three 'S':

1. Spelling

It got better from chapter 1 (hardly could read that) to a "moderate" level, but there's still quite a bit of spelling problems in it. Proof-read your chapters before posting, it really helps. Also consider getting someone to proof-read them for you, if your spelling isn't good enough.

2. Structure

A bit chaotic, the way it's told. Not just at one point I had problems to follow the general storyline. Also try using more convincing links between sentences, especially those referring to direct speech as attributes.

3. Style

Two main problems here: The story is (mostly) told in present tense. Not generally a good thing for stories like that one. The main problem is the "mostly" part. The tense is not consistant, and changes several times in relatively few sentences. Change the tense only when the story requires you to. General style could use a bit of improvement as well.

And so it's a bit more "constructive" critisism:

Examples:

When the guards footsteps trail off into silence, she attacks the lock, quickly and efficiently, and soon there is a satisfying click as it gives and opens. Opening and closing the door behind her she moves quickly up the hall, her soft leather shoes making hardly any sound on the carpeted floor.
More footsteps ahead of her and she quickly ducks into an adjacent passage and waits. Footsteps coming closer. She pulls out a small, black metal club and waits; the guard walks past the passage archway, so close if he stops he'll hear her breath near his ear.

would translate into something like

As soon as the guards' heavy footsteps had faded away she rushed to the door and started working on the lock, quick and efficiently, and soon a metallic click could be heard as the mechanism gave away and the lock opened. Anxiously trying not to cause any noise, she shut the door behind her, and crossed the hall, her soft leathered shoes hardly making any sound on the carpeted floor.
She quickly cowered into a small adjacent passage at the sound of footsteps ahead. Footsteps coming closer. Pulling out a small black club made of metal she waited, a cold shiver running down her back as the guard walking past her so closely that if he had stopped, he would have heard her breathe.

And an example for direct speech:

?And you have my thanks for that but what am I meant to call you, if you are my new patron? I?m not about to all you ?The Benefactor? am I? the last delivered mockingly
?The Benefactor? its not as bad as some of the names I?ve been given in my existence?
Incredulous ?You can?t be serious?

"And you have my thanks for that... but what am I meant to call you, if you are my new patron? I?m not about to all you ?The Benefactor? am I?" she asked in a definately mocking tone.
"The Benefactor? That's not as bad as some of the names I?ve been given in my existence." he replied bluntly.
"You must be kidding!" she exclaimed incredulously. 

Edited by Lightspeed, 05 October 2004 - 03:58 AM.

[Dalis'ilhea]

I'm agreeing with you, but (apart from hating the fact you're right ) I find it hard to proof read my own writing, (ps the previous chapters were done in notepad and I can't spell well when I'm using a computer ) Chapter 4 was done in Word and as I said

more likely then not more then lots

so... :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: more comments and point out more errors and I'll see about editing it when I can (my course for college doesn't leave much time for computers)

[Erephine]

I can imagine proof reading own texts is a bit hard - I just do it while writing.

[Dalis'ilhea]

Writing on paper I can edit automaticly but putting it onto computer I find to be :bash: :bash: :bash: :bash: