123 replies to this topic

[Shadowhawke]

Mmm... well-paced battle scene, and I liked the link between the first and the last in terms of anti-climacticness. Heh. I must admit, I'm curious as to the mastiffs though. Are they a new kind of creature you've designed?

Just one little thing, though - I'm a little confused as to Xan's place in the battle. While in the beginning you seemed to insinuate that he was helping Nalia, he seemed to be doing a lot of other things during the battle. Apart from that piece of clarification, though, I thought the whole battle scene went smoothly.


An enjoyable read yet again.

[Tempest]

Nope, no original critters involved-the Shadow Mastiff and Nightwing are both straight from the basic 3.5E Monster Manual. The battle with Umar (the Shade Lord) will be use another critter from the Monster Manual as Umar's embodiment as well-I'm avoiding using new critters whenever possible, and if I pull out an unusual critter, odds are it's from one of the 3.5E books.

Yeah, I should have been more clear, but when the party saw the scale of the battle, Xan let Nalia take care of the crystal while he helped in the battle.

Cookie for anyone who catches the reference in the title (Kellen is hereby disqualified from the offer because he already knows), though it will become slightly more obvious with the next chapter's title.

[Choo Choo]

Ooouch. I suppose Nalia's going to be okay, but still, ouch.

[Dark-Mage]

I liked the way you handled the Umar ruins quest, Tempest. Very dramatic read. What were the spells Umar used againsts Alexandria (the two cast in quick sucession) and Nalia (that bolt of negative energy) if you dont mind me asking?

[Tempest]

What were the spells Umar used againsts Alexandria (the two cast in quick sucession) and Nalia (that bolt of negative energy) if you dont mind me asking?

The first two: quickened unholy blight and confusion. The latter: finger of death.


My apologies for the hiatus-real life has been busy as hell, and as you might have gathered from the chapter, I just wanted to get this one done and over with so I could move on.

[Shadowhawke]

Heh, you're certainly right - you haven't lost that flair for the cliffhanger edge. I absolutely adored how you portrayed Umar - her evilness was a beautiful contrast to the Shade Lord, who I always found rather pathetic. I also like the sub-plot of her attempting to rebuild the temple to Shar - that was really interesting, and I like how that led to the altar having different powers. And of course, the little touches of humour were very much appreciated.

Nice work yet again, I can't wait to see this resolved!

[Tempest]

Heh, you're certainly right - you haven't lost that flair for the cliffhanger edge.

Flair for the cliffhanger edge? *Thinks back* Have I done many cliffhangers? Ending on ominous notes, perhaps, but I think this is one of the very few times I've ended a chapter in the middle of action.

I absolutely adored how you portrayed Umar - her evilness was a beautiful contrast to the Shade Lord, who I always found rather pathetic.

I treated the Shade Lord *as* Umar in this. Umar herself, in her abilities, I took mostly from the Nightwalker in the Monster Manual-her attacks were taken, with a few modifications, from the Nightwalker's listed round-by-round tactics. Fortunately, Xan kicked in before Umar could pull her genuinely nasty trick.

I also like the sub-plot of her attempting to rebuild the temple to Shar - that was really interesting, and I like how that led to the altar having different powers.

The Shade Lord and its activities always sounded to me like Shar's preferred sort of business, and this one may come back to bite Alexandria in the rear later on... perhaps...

And of course, the little touches of humour were very much appreciated.

Forgive me if I crack the fourth wall now and then. I really was feeling bored, so characters got snarkier than usual.

Nice work yet again, I can't wait to see this resolved!

Friday, probably. Now that this is just about over with, I can move on with stuff. Expect the plot to thicken a bit, possibly seasoned with a bit of romance-or the lead-up to it...

[Tempest]

Making an announced absence, for once. I probably won't get the next chapter posted tomorrow or even next week. Finals start next week, along with the rest of the usual end of semester ruckus, so I'll be very busy and probably won't have time to do much writing. Missed last week on account of an engineering class project, I'm afraid. Those of you in or graduated from college know how it is at this time of year.

[Shadowhawke]

Hey Tempest!

Great to see a new chapter up, especially with the way you left us hanging . Now, I have to say... *several* things I like about this new chapter. Firstly, the way you dealt with Merella and the Temple. I always wished I could have done something like that in-game, and it was highly satisfying to see you do something about that in a realistic way. Secondly, the general group interactions. Again - insightful, funny, and developing all at once. And then thirdly, Alex and Moira's conversation. I must admit, I wasn't entirely sure what the first part was about. I know that you never came out and set it outright, leaving it to subtle implication. But I must admit, I reread it a few times and still couldn't understand what they were specifically referring to with Alex's willpower, and so I think it might help a little if you clarified it. However, the rest of it flowed smoothly, fascinatingly, and enjoyably. The last note it ended on was perfect.

So yes, thanks for another great read, and I look forwards to the next one!

[Tempest]

I take it my long absence due to real life issues is forgiven?

I'll have to be honest with this chapter-it did not go anything like what I had actually intended. It had been my intention for Merella to die, but for Moira to then resurrect Merella in a heartfelt scene-hence the thing in a previous chapter or two about Moira having the material component for a raise dead spell on hand. Was specifically setting it up to be used, but when I began writing this chapter, I found things simply flowed differently and ran with it.

Moira's comment on Alexandria's willpower, and Alex's reaction to Merella's possession, were references to Alexandria's bhaalspawn nature, and the possibility of Alexandria being overtaken by the essence of Bhaal.

I think I should also note, as I'm bringing it up often in the tale, that while Moira and Alexandria are two different classes-favored soul and cleric, respectively, I'm also playing with the difference between their classes, and more specifically their training, a bit. Alexandria had only a short formal initiation into the Selunite priesthood and limited formal training, and most of that was centered on the practical side of things rather than theology. Moira's spent two months in training and instruction with the church of Ilmater, and she was familiar with the church's doctrines well before her family's death, but her training as an Ilmateri was in a different direction than, say, Alexandria's would have been as an adventuring Selunite. I will probably end up elaborating on this further in the story, but Moira was trained more as a healer than as a warrior, while Alexandria favors the martial side of the cleric's path.

[Shadowhawke]

I must say/repeat, I do like the character interaction between Moira and Alex, and especially the realism you attribute to it. Especially how you've portrayed them as so human. Great work for this chapter - I'd say the only nitpick I have with it was that I reckon the dialogue could have used some description to flesh it out that much more. Aside from that, though, I thought your take on Moira's story was original and compelling, and I really enjoyed it.

Looking forwards to the next one, Tempest!

[Tempest]

I must say/repeat, I do like the character interaction between Moira and Alex, and especially the realism you attribute to it. Especially how you've portrayed them as so human. Great work for this chapter - I'd say the only nitpick I have with it was that I reckon the dialogue could have used some description to flesh it out that much more. Aside from that, though, I thought your take on Moira's story was original and compelling, and I really enjoyed it.

Looking forwards to the next one, Tempest!

Feedback is appreciated as always, though you do seem to be the only one commenting these days.

I'm glad my efforts to portray Moira and Alex as being very human have been so successful-with Moira in particular, I was worried ever since her introduction that I might turn her into a Mary Sue-certainly she was when I first introduced her in ASE. They are definitely noble, even heroic individuals, but also have their flaws, insecurities, and issues. Alex in particular has a growing flaw that I've noticed creeping in throughout the tale, though it was not intentional: as she's growing more experienced in the world, more accustomed to increasingly heavy responsibility and to personal cost, she is growing emotional and mental calluses, for the same reasons she has physical ones, and I believe that a growing struggle for her is keeping in touch with reality. Back on the Sword Coast, she was down-to-earth and pretty approachable, but these days, she's growing increasingly distant and aloof-Moira can certainly attest to her being difficult to approach.

I have to decline Moira's story being very original, unfortunately. When considering Moira's backstory and character, I looked towards Anomen and his backstory, trying to learn what the dynamics of the Delryn family were, and what part Moira had. Anomen, who is perhaps my favorite canon BG2 NPC, gives a surprising amount of insight into what the Delryns must have been like, and I wrote Moira's tale accordingly, including my personal interpretation of Anomen. It seemed to me that the Delryns were a massively dysfunctional family after Anomen's mother's death, and that Moira was the clue barely keeping the family together-when she died, they fell apart.

Point taken about the description, however. Looking back, it really could have done with a lot more description of the characters. I seem to be great at describing places and events, but characters, not so much.

I'll get plenty of opportunity to work on that, however-expect another period of mostly talking and development until the next major round of action and battle crops up, which it most definitely will. As far as I know, no other BG2 fanfic writer has done what I have in mind... (though I could be wrong).

[Shadowhawke]

I must say, even if you feel the chapter got away from you, I didn't think it was 'off' at all. Jaheira's talk with Alex was very reminiscent of many such talks that you've sprinkled your works with, and I once again enjoyed the original take on the consequences of Alex getting into a relationship. Very nice. I would have to say that the only thing that struck me as a little off about the conversation was how suddenly you rushed to it without providing a little more of a background before it so that its introduction doesn't feel forced or abrupt. That said, that was the only nitpick I had - I absolutely adored Alex's ruminations on what it meant to be a hero. Absolutely epic, stellar stuff. I'm looking forwards to more of your pearls of wisdom and heart soon.

[Tempest]

If there are any other readers out there who want to comment-seriously, I don't bite. I welcome feedback, even, or indeed especially, negative feedback-Shadowhawke's praise can only inflate my ego, and that could just lead to all sorts of problems.

I feel this chapter did get away from me-Alexandria's ruminations struck me as downright preachy, a sense I try to avoid in writing. When I do try to quietly get a message or point across, I'm usually more subtle than that, or I use a character as my mouthpiece, giving no indication that that character especially right or not, depending on the character and context. I had intended that Alexandria's ruminations only go on for a paragraph or two, before setting up for the next chapter, but oh well.

As for the consequences of Alex getting into a relationship and Jaheira's concerns thereof-well, Jaheira's concerns are valid, as are a few concerns she didn't mention, because she knew Alex *would* have hit her-concerns that may or may not come up in time. Actually, I can all but guarantee they will, but not under circumstances like this. Alexandria is a flawed person, but fortunately for her, Jaheira is around to work against Alexandria's exploitable flaws.

Also, in response to a few PM's I've gotten, I'm giving a public response-while this tale does now have a female/female romantic relationship in the wings (perhaps, I do have quite a few surprises left in my bag of tricks, including a couple of very nasty ones...), I would not consider this fanfic to now be a "slash" fic-romance is not the primary focus of the story, and explicit sexual situations will, mark my words, never appear in this story-I wouldn't be comfortable writing such situations, and I doubt I could pull any such situation off effectively. For those uncomfortable with the idea of such a relationship, perhaps take a page from Jaheira's book on this-her feelings on the genders involved are irrelevant, as her worries and concerns about the relationship in question are focused on the *people* involved.

/endpreaching

[Leila]

Unfortunately, I'm not all that great at expressing myself when it comes to these things, one of the reasons I haven't commented yet, so please bear with me.

I can't say I like where the relationship between Moira/Alex is going--not because it's fem/fem, but because they seem so incompatible. I don't know what it is, but if I were to see them on the street I'd assume they had a sisterly relationship. There's no real chemistry. If that's what you were going for, you did great, and it'd make much more sense for the two to get into a relationship that wouldn't really go anywhere simply because they find each other attractive; it happens far too often. If not... my apologies. :S

The last chapter did come off as preachy, and was remarkably short at that, but that doesn't make it worse than your previous work. It was a pleasure looking into her mind, and to be honest I didn't think you were trying to tell the readers something until you explained yourself.

As for the general story, I really do enjoy it, and I like the twists you give to quests we've all done a thousand times. The only thing that's really stood out to me is the use of firearms. Don't get me wrong, it makes sense to the setting, it's just a bit to get used to. And the only thing I can say I truly dislike are the numerous battle descriptions--but that's -definitely- just a personal preference, and I know many enjoy them. It makes the peeks into Alex's thought process all the nicer.

[Tempest]

Unfortunately, I'm not all that great at expressing myself when it comes to these things, one of the reasons I haven't commented yet, so please bear with me.

It's no problem.

I can't say I like where the relationship between Moira/Alex is going--not because it's fem/fem, but because they seem so incompatible. I don't know what it is, but if I were to see them on the street I'd assume they had a sisterly relationship. There's no real chemistry. If that's what you were going for, you did great, and it'd make much more sense for the two to get into a relationship that wouldn't really go anywhere simply because they find each other attractive; it happens far too often. If not... my apologies. :S

My plans are a little more complicated than that. Moira's intentions, Alexandria's feelings, and my plans for the grand scheme are three distinct concepts, and my bag of tricks is nowhere near empty. The lack of chemistry is intentional, I'll say that much...

The last chapter did come off as preachy, and was remarkably short at that, but that doesn't make it worse than your previous work. It was a pleasure looking into her mind, and to be honest I didn't think you were trying to tell the readers something until you explained yourself.

I know the chapter was short, but it did what I needed it to. I do have genuine trouble distinguishing, when writing, between the thoughts and feelings of my characters, and my own-that the two were one and the same were why I was worried I was getting preachy.

As for the general story, I really do enjoy it, and I like the twists you give to quests we've all done a thousand times.

Thank you.

The only thing that's really stood out to me is the use of firearms. Don't get me wrong, it makes sense to the setting, it's just a bit to get used to.

I know it's hard to get used to, in Faerun, but I feel this was an appropriate direction for the story. I have plans for what comes after the BG tale, and the introduction of firearms now will make sense. More technology will show up as time goes on, though probably not very obtrusively-this is, to be honest, author appeal: I enjoy the idea of technological progress and advancement in fantasy settings-not steampunk, but a sense of genuine progress and learning.

And the only thing I can say I truly dislike are the numerous battle descriptions--but that's -definitely- just a personal preference, and I know many enjoy them. It makes the peeks into Alex's thought process all the nicer.

Alas, Baldur's Gate involves quite a bit of combat. I, too, prefer the thought and contemplation to battle, but it's quite necessary. :/

[Dark-Mage]

Hey, Tempest. Just a quick note to let you know that I'm still reading, and enjoying, Malleus Animorum. Unfortunately I don't really have any indepth criticism to offer.

The way the story is progressing is good, and your battle scenes are well written. Looking forward to seeing what happens next. Keep up the good work :-)

[Leila]

Your sister most certainly suffered that damage, and she?s not as useful anymore.

Eh..? Forgive me for not remembering, but does Alex know about Imoen? That implies quite a bit, and I was surprised she didn't say anything about it.

I really like your portrayal of Nalia. It's a pleasant mix of her SoA and ToB personalities. Also, I'm always curious as to why Bioware made Bhaal seem so... I dunno, unsophisticated, when his descriptions implied he was very ritualistic. So, I'm glad you've made him as such, and that he has much more control over Alex than she initially believed. It would be a rude awakening to know that your fate is to turn to darkness, especially when you've done so much good.

I'm curious as to what Moira's alignment is. To be honest, ever since your last comment I've been feeling a bit of dread with regards to her 'intentions.' And now with the emphasis on Alex being vulnerable... or perhaps I'm looking too much into it?

This was a good chapter. ^^ It really shows off your skill at keeping personalities balanced; too many people fall into the caricature trap.

[Tempest]

Eh..? Forgive me for not remembering, but does Alex know about Imoen? That implies quite a bit, and I was surprised she didn't say anything about it.

She doesn't know Imoen is her biological sister, but does think of her as a sister-Alex may or may not think about this more in time. She's suspected for a long time now (since midway through ASE) that Imoen is more than she appears to be, but she doesn't know Imoen's true nature.

I really like your portrayal of Nalia. It's a pleasant mix of her SoA and ToB personalities. Also, I'm always curious as to why Bioware made Bhaal seem so... I dunno, unsophisticated, when his descriptions implied he was very ritualistic. So, I'm glad you've made him as such, and that he has much more control over Alex than she initially believed. It would be a rude awakening to know that your fate is to turn to darkness, especially when you've done so much good.

My interpretation of Bhaal is less ritualistic, and more sophisticated-I don't think Bhaal would be so overtly menacing and bloodthirsty. My interpretation is that Bhaal is the sort of person who fully appreciates his own superiority and doesn't feel the need to flaunt it. He's confident in his own abilities, and in Alex's [predictable] nature.

As for Nalia, she will be diverging a bit from her canon personality once certain events start happening-and they'll start happening soon. I confess that I never really got a good handle on her canonical SoA personality, so I've been taking more from her ToB persona.

I'm curious as to what Moira's alignment is. To be honest, ever since your last comment I've been feeling a bit of dread with regards to her 'intentions.' And now with the emphasis on Alex being vulnerable... or perhaps I'm looking too much into it?

Moira is Neutral Good. That said, just being cryptic and having a plan doesn't mean she's out to hurt anyone. I'll leave it as saying that Moira is perhaps the most far-sighted member of the party-not in terms of looking at the big picture like Jaheira, but in that she tends to think about and plan for the future a great deal. She is very patient, and does play a long-term game.

This was a good chapter. ^^ It really shows off your skill at keeping personalities balanced; too many people fall into the caricature trap.

Thank you.


In two weeks, I'll be leaving on vacation with my family, so don't count on an update. But then, I might surprise myself. Going to have a flight and several long drives to think and plan, if I'm not too busy.

[Leila]

Moira is Neutral Good. That said, just being cryptic and having a plan doesn't mean she's out to hurt anyone.

That's true. I guess I'm just always expecting the worst. :S