3 replies to this topic

[Jolyth]

Well, the story has an interesting beginning. Unfortunately, I had a diffucult time following it. Is English your first language? I do not mean that in a bad way, only that the sentences seem a bit broken. Also, you appear to be a bit comma happy.

If I may make a few suggestions:

The moon is full and its cold light illuminates the ruined city of Saradush. I stop and listen to the fading echoes of my footsteps. I pull my cloak more tightly against the chill air. Nothing now lives in this dead city, monument to Amelyssan's ambitions and my failure.

While this portion is descriptive, I can see the ruined city in my mind, the flow reads like an old telegram message. ("Urgent" stop "Need you to come" stop.) Try this:

I stop and listen to the fading echoes of my footsteps, pulling my cloak more tightly to ward off the chill air. Nothing now lives in this city. It is a lifeless monument to Amelyssan's ambitions and my own failure.

He stands in the shadows and watches her. He has followed her here. He always follows. He sees her breath fog the air. She drops to her knees, bends her head, her unbound hair falls to obscure her profile, and she assumes an attitude of prayer.

You switch from a personal point of view to a view noted by a third person. I had trouble following this because I have no idea who the first person is and the transfer to the third person was a bit awkward. Is the "I" the "she"? Also, since you are mentioning a view from a third party, it might be best to say that

"he watches as she drops to her knees, her unbound hair falling to obscure her profile as she bends her head. He sees her breath in the fog, creating a halo about her person as she assumes an attitude of prayer."

Later, you switch back to the first person and that once agin throws the reader off. It is difficult to follow the flow of the story.

In all honesty, I think it is interesting and would like to see where it is leading. Who are the lovers? Is the PC feeling guilty over the ruin of Saradush? Or exhilaration?

I would very much like to see more.

[farsal]

First, I would like to thank Jolyth for her constructive and valid criticisms.

The style of the piece is due to two reasons. When I started this piece, it was simply, an attempt to write a descriptive paragraph but instead of choosing to write about, "The hoary oak, its mighty and ancient branches spread..."or "The small black dog sits upon the Persian carpet." I thought I would try my hand at a "Baldur's Gate" descriptive paragraph. However, I became immediately uncomfortable with its inherently melodramtic tone. Simply writing "the way of the sword" or "Bhaal's children" felt unnatural and embarassing. I had hoped by pulling back on description that I would counteract its histionic qualities.

The other reason, this is my first attempt at "creative" fiction since I was in eighth grade, which is over twenty years ago. I am, obviously, very rusty.

I do have ideas about a bigger and more complex story, but I will attempt to improve my skills before posting again.

Again, my thanks to Jolyth, for your insights and to everyone else who read my inadequate effort.

Oh yes. Ah...English is my mother tongue. Farsal will now slink away in humiliation!

[Jolyth]

Oh yes. Ah...English is my mother tongue. Farsal will now slink away in humiliation!

Please do not do that! That was not my intention when I commented on your piece. If descriptive writing was what you were after, then you achieved your goal. As I said, I could see the picture clearly in my mind.

The point of posting a story is to draw on the feedback and learn. That's what I am doing.

Please continue to post. This story has potential and I would like to see more.

Jolyth

[farsal]

I very much appreciated the feedback but I feel if the reader takes the time to offer a thoughtful critique than the writer owes the reader a thoughtful effort!

I do plan on posting again!