44 replies to this topic

[TC Dale]

Hello, hello!

I double checked the link and it seemed to be okay (the link from SHS, right?), but I'll go back and check things again just in case

I hope everyone is still enjoying the story and that the plot hasn't been too terribly predictable I want things to remain exciting and that the reader thinks, "Ooooh! What next??"

The next chapter is, after the break-neck speed of Chapters 9 and 10, a slower, more thoughtful chapter: a chance stop and try to get a grip on things. We all need a chance to catch our breath now and then.

Constructive criticism is always welcome! You can either post it here or on the website itself, either one

Any other questions that have come to mind? Things people want to know?

[Shadowhawke]

Ah, I think it's fine now. I too rechecked it - I think the original problem I had was that Part I and Part II had melded together. Perhaps it was just me.

On a more useful note, I noticed one or two grammatical errors, but that counts more as nitpicking than as constructive criticism. I think the one that leapt out at me was where Imoen saw Cassie climbing at the end and the text referred to her as 'they'.

At the bottom of the tunnel was a small, faint figure, lacking the metallic glitter of armor. They struggled, trying to scale the incline.

Hopefully, something more useful next time. But I'm looking forwards to reading the chapter

[Shadowhawke]

Hey TC Dale!

This was a very touching chapter, and I think your pacing worked well given the tension and thriller-ish nature of the last few! I must admit, I was very surprised that Elhan gave in to Imoen like that, and then just up and left them. My impression of him in the game was that he was quite arrogant and suspicious, but perhaps that was just me.

That said, the reconnection with nature, not to mention the development between the siblings themselves, was done very touchingly. I really, really liked Imoen's real expression of concern over who exactly Cassandra was and how far she'd fallen to the Taint, and what followed was beautifully and tenderly done.

In short, I'm looking forwards to your next chapter.

[TC Dale]

Hey there

Thanks for the comments! Chapter 11 was a hard one for me, at least the first half. I've re-written it twice entirely, and done edits on it even after it was posted. The love scene I like, but the conversations and tones leading up to it were difficult. I think I finally have it to where I'm happy with it.

Chapter 11 part 2 is coming up on Monday, and after that I have to take a hiatus due to work and my mom and sister coming to Europe for vacation (haven't seen them in over a year!)

I also made a very quick and dirty Photoshop portrait of Imoen, to match the Photoshop portrait of Cassandra, if anyone wants to see it:

Imoen of Candlekeep (and Cassandra of Bhaal)

There might be slightly more to the story of Imoen and Elhan, but we'll save that for when--and if--Imoen ever gives more details

[Shadowhawke]

Beautiful pictures! They certainly helped give an image to the characters when I was reading this latest chapter.

I liked the overall reflective feel of this second part. The fundamental shift that occurred was very big and needed to be talked about. I'm interested to see if the fallout alluded to here will occur.

To be honest, I was also a little surprised as to how quickly Imoen accepted Cass' word on her feelings without her soul given that it seems Imoen has been thinking about it for a long time, but I suppose doubts can also arise at a later date. As a whole, though, I felt you addressed the change both poignantly and realistically.

Hope your vacation goes well, and I look forwards to seeing your next chapter.

[Shadowhawke]

Hi TC Dale! Great to see you back, and great to know that the family visit went so well.

This chapter was interesting. Aside from the fact that you captured the grandeur of the Keep wonderfully, Imoen's antics and reactions to it throughout the chapter were very interesting. The part with the wagoneers seemed a little jarring given Cassandra's position, but with Imoen as the instigator it worked. I'll admit I was surprised as well by the revelations of what happened to Nalia and Aerie. You've painted the Majordomo here as a consummate professional, and I think that that played well too.

And with the promise of more development to come, I look forwards to seeing what you have for us next.

[Shadowhawke]

You sure know how to build up an atmosphere. Imoen's nightmare was very interesting... not like any of the other Bhaal dreams we've seen before, but perhaps there's a reason for that. You left us on quite the cliffhanger as well, I noted.

I wish I could leave some constructive criticism for this chapter, but there's really nothing I can think of except for the tiny spelling mistake of 'chiseled' at the end. Both sequences were realistic and flowed smoothly, and your pacing was as sharp as always.

Can't wait to see what you've got next.

[TC Dale]

Thankees! The typo at the end is corrected (and a grammatical mistake I found on re-reading it). We're entering the final stretches of the story, now that Cassie and Imoen are back on the surface (I'm guessing, very roughly, maybe 17 chapters total). I hope things stay exciting for you!

[Shadowhawke]

The use of Pincher and his friends to stoke Cassie's Taint was very interesting. The last line of the entire chapter had a poetic simplicity to it as well. I'm looking forwards to the confrontation.

[Shadowhawke]

*Whistles*. All right, I thought I'd go the other side of constructive criticism this time and point out the things that really worked well for you. First of all, Alan. Brilliant description; only a few lines of depiction and action, and he was there as a pretty firmly sketched character. Secondly, the get-together at Aran's; it made a lot of sense tactically and politically, and it was both interesting and in character to see Keldorn and Cassandra clashing like that. Thirdly, your portrayal of the Shadow Thieves in all of its breadth was awesome.

A few tiny nitpicks, but mainly to do with spelling again. I think you spelt 'garish' as 'garnish' and Keldorn as 'Keldor' once, but those are pretty inconsequential. Can't wait to see the showdown that will eventuate.

[TC Dale]

Hi! Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad everything's still fitting together pretty well and staying interesting

I fixed the typos: three in total that I found (and probably a few more that I didn't), among them the "garnish" and "Keldor".

Sadly, Crumbling Down will not be updating as planned on Monday My memory card I had Chapter 14 stored on, died, and that's the only copy of Ch 14 that I had. It wasn't finished yet, so I didn't lose as much as I could have (I lost about 6 pages, vs 20 for an average completed chapter), but it'll all have to be re-written. Going to start on that this weekend/next week.

[Shadowhawke]

Wow, you've completely redone the atmosphere of Bodhi's lair. From creepy to downright disturbing and frightening. The memories of Nalia definitely helped with that, as well as the damn cliffhanger at the end. I'm itching to see how you work it out!

[TC Dale]

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! (That is: hi!)

I'm revamping my website and just got all of Crumbling Down transferred over. I'm in the process of transferring over the comments, and I was wondering -- would anyone be terribly upset if I took the comments made *here*, and re-posted them on the website in the appropriate chapters of CD? If you mind, please drop me a note before December 27th (that's two weeks). Otherwise, I'll assume you're cool with it, and copy them over. If I do copy them over and you change your mind later (or you didn't read this before 27 Dec), let me know and I'll remove them again.

[Shadowhawke]

I certainly wouldn't be upset, and I will endeavour to post more on your website from now on. I just wanted to drop in and say *wow* about the confrontation with Bodhi. You really make the confrontation with the undead a whole lot more visceral than a lot of other fantasy stories I've seen, and the reminders of the past were haunting. The Christmas special also made me chuckle as well. Thanks again for sharing all your work with us, and I hope you have a Merry Christmas too.

[Shadowhawke]

Loved it. Imoen's surprise was wonderful, and the solemn tone at the beginning was appropriate. Cassie not being invited also really struck a chord; definitely in line with the darker, more realistic tone.

Just one little nitpick earlier on; the line 'a deep, mellow voice whose mellow timbre and well-crafted words brough an almost' - I thought the repetition of 'mellow' could be replaced. There's the typo too, but that's pretty tiny. I'm just picking at the edges, I know.

I also really like how you've adapted the Taint. It makes a hell of a lot more sense like this. Cassie's despair is also eminently understandable. Looking forwards to what happens next!

[Shadowhawke]

Nice to see the second part of this chapter. Given the build-up to Irenicus, I can't wait to see what happens in Suldanesselar in your world and with your version of the taint.

Just a picky little thing; I liked how you renamed something like 'I Spy', but I think the first time you referenced it, as "The next hour was spent playing "Somewhere I See," with Imoen doing most of the seeing" you meant 'Something I see'.

But yes, I'm definitely looking forwards to what you have next. Thanks again!

[TC Dale]

Hello!

Ch 16 is already 15 pages long and in full swing, so you'll be able to find out soon!

I actually did mean "Somewhere I see" even though the formula later uses "something". My idea (although obviously not fleshed out that much in the story, or at least not enough), was that the game goes something like this:

Imoen: "Somewhere I see.... something that's got two legs!"
Cassandra: "Me."
Imoen: "Uh-uh."
Cassandra: "You?"
Imoen: *shakes her head* "Nope."
Cassandra: "Imaginary friends don't count, you know."
Imoen: "C'mon. It's not THAT hard, geez."

etc.

[Shadowhawke]

Hello!

Ch 16 is already 15 pages long and in full swing, so you'll be able to find out soon!

I actually did mean "Somewhere I see" even though the formula later uses "something". My idea (although obviously not fleshed out that much in the story, or at least not enough), was that the game goes something like this:

Imoen: "Somewhere I see.... something that's got two legs!"
Cassandra: "Me."
Imoen: "Uh-uh."
Cassandra: "You?"
Imoen: *shakes her head* "Nope."
Cassandra: "Imaginary friends don't count, you know."
Imoen: "C'mon. It's not THAT hard, geez."

etc.

Ah, I see. Explained like that, that makes sense, my apologies. I don't think it was quite as clear in the chapter, which is why I mentioned it.

Looking forwards to Chapter 16.

[Shadowhawke]

Again, I really appreciate the touches of realism that you add to this series. The Prismatic Wall was very interesting, although I must admit I was surprised Irenicus resorted to that rather than the even-harder-to-combat Rhynn Lanthorn defence.

Now, apologies for the nitpicking. I picked up a few spelling mistakes through the chapter:

'The colores (colours) weren't quite the same as the auras of the arcane schools.'

'A slim, green-clad formed emerged out of the still-settling chao(s): an elvan/(elven) man'

'He limped on his left leg..., and there was no way of knowing (how) much of the blood on his uniform was his own.'

More importantly, I like the way you made us both sympathise with the elves as well as get really annoyed at them. You brought both facets out very well. Looking forwards to see how they extend into your future Suldanesselar chapters!

[Shadowhawke]

Love the second half. The way you painted the darkness of the situation and emphasised it without even giving us the talk with Ellesime was very well done. Imoen's reaction was also inspired, and in line with everything else you've done.

Just one little nitpick in terms of grammar; 'A single man, driven mad by anger and desperation, and brought the elven city to its knees' - should probably be 'had brought the elven city'.

Other than that, a very sweet romantic scene at the end that provided a counterpoint to Cassie's grim news. I'm interested to see how the second half of that unfolds!