Comments on "Crumbling Down"
#21
Posted 25 August 2009 - 04:36 AM
I double checked the link and it seemed to be okay (the link from SHS, right?), but I'll go back and check things again just in case
I hope everyone is still enjoying the story and that the plot hasn't been too terribly predictable I want things to remain exciting and that the reader thinks, "Ooooh! What next??"
The next chapter is, after the break-neck speed of Chapters 9 and 10, a slower, more thoughtful chapter: a chance stop and try to get a grip on things. We all need a chance to catch our breath now and then.
Constructive criticism is always welcome! You can either post it here or on the website itself, either one
Any other questions that have come to mind? Things people want to know?
#22
Posted 25 August 2009 - 04:25 PM
On a more useful note, I noticed one or two grammatical errors, but that counts more as nitpicking than as constructive criticism. I think the one that leapt out at me was where Imoen saw Cassie climbing at the end and the text referred to her as 'they'.
At the bottom of the tunnel was a small, faint figure, lacking the metallic glitter of armor. They struggled, trying to scale the incline.
Hopefully, something more useful next time. But I'm looking forwards to reading the chapter
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#23
Posted 03 September 2009 - 12:54 AM
This was a very touching chapter, and I think your pacing worked well given the tension and thriller-ish nature of the last few! I must admit, I was very surprised that Elhan gave in to Imoen like that, and then just up and left them. My impression of him in the game was that he was quite arrogant and suspicious, but perhaps that was just me.
That said, the reconnection with nature, not to mention the development between the siblings themselves, was done very touchingly. I really, really liked Imoen's real expression of concern over who exactly Cassandra was and how far she'd fallen to the Taint, and what followed was beautifully and tenderly done.
In short, I'm looking forwards to your next chapter.
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#24
Posted 03 September 2009 - 10:12 AM
Thanks for the comments! Chapter 11 was a hard one for me, at least the first half. I've re-written it twice entirely, and done edits on it even after it was posted. The love scene I like, but the conversations and tones leading up to it were difficult. I think I finally have it to where I'm happy with it.
Chapter 11 part 2 is coming up on Monday, and after that I have to take a hiatus due to work and my mom and sister coming to Europe for vacation (haven't seen them in over a year!)
I also made a very quick and dirty Photoshop portrait of Imoen, to match the Photoshop portrait of Cassandra, if anyone wants to see it:
Imoen of Candlekeep (and Cassandra of Bhaal)
There might be slightly more to the story of Imoen and Elhan, but we'll save that for when--and if--Imoen ever gives more details
#25
Posted 09 September 2009 - 07:59 PM
I liked the overall reflective feel of this second part. The fundamental shift that occurred was very big and needed to be talked about. I'm interested to see if the fallout alluded to here will occur.
To be honest, I was also a little surprised as to how quickly Imoen accepted Cass' word on her feelings without her soul given that it seems Imoen has been thinking about it for a long time, but I suppose doubts can also arise at a later date. As a whole, though, I felt you addressed the change both poignantly and realistically.
Hope your vacation goes well, and I look forwards to seeing your next chapter.
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#26
Posted 26 October 2009 - 02:24 PM
This chapter was interesting. Aside from the fact that you captured the grandeur of the Keep wonderfully, Imoen's antics and reactions to it throughout the chapter were very interesting. The part with the wagoneers seemed a little jarring given Cassandra's position, but with Imoen as the instigator it worked. I'll admit I was surprised as well by the revelations of what happened to Nalia and Aerie. You've painted the Majordomo here as a consummate professional, and I think that that played well too.
And with the promise of more development to come, I look forwards to seeing what you have for us next.
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#27
Posted 03 November 2009 - 02:52 AM
I wish I could leave some constructive criticism for this chapter, but there's really nothing I can think of except for the tiny spelling mistake of 'chiseled' at the end. Both sequences were realistic and flowed smoothly, and your pacing was as sharp as always.
Can't wait to see what you've got next.
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#28
Posted 03 November 2009 - 03:19 AM
#29
Posted 13 November 2009 - 03:45 PM
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#30
Posted 16 November 2009 - 02:33 PM
A few tiny nitpicks, but mainly to do with spelling again. I think you spelt 'garish' as 'garnish' and Keldorn as 'Keldor' once, but those are pretty inconsequential. Can't wait to see the showdown that will eventuate.
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#31
Posted 20 November 2009 - 02:39 AM
I fixed the typos: three in total that I found (and probably a few more that I didn't), among them the "garnish" and "Keldor".
Sadly, Crumbling Down will not be updating as planned on Monday My memory card I had Chapter 14 stored on, died, and that's the only copy of Ch 14 that I had. It wasn't finished yet, so I didn't lose as much as I could have (I lost about 6 pages, vs 20 for an average completed chapter), but it'll all have to be re-written. Going to start on that this weekend/next week.
#32
Posted 05 December 2009 - 02:59 AM
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#33
Posted 13 December 2009 - 08:28 AM
I'm revamping my website and just got all of Crumbling Down transferred over. I'm in the process of transferring over the comments, and I was wondering -- would anyone be terribly upset if I took the comments made *here*, and re-posted them on the website in the appropriate chapters of CD? If you mind, please drop me a note before December 27th (that's two weeks). Otherwise, I'll assume you're cool with it, and copy them over. If I do copy them over and you change your mind later (or you didn't read this before 27 Dec), let me know and I'll remove them again.
#34
Posted 23 December 2009 - 03:26 PM
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#35
Posted 07 January 2010 - 04:38 PM
Just one little nitpick earlier on; the line 'a deep, mellow voice whose mellow timbre and well-crafted words brough an almost' - I thought the repetition of 'mellow' could be replaced. There's the typo too, but that's pretty tiny. I'm just picking at the edges, I know.
I also really like how you've adapted the Taint. It makes a hell of a lot more sense like this. Cassie's despair is also eminently understandable. Looking forwards to what happens next!
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#36
Posted 15 January 2010 - 02:18 AM
Just a picky little thing; I liked how you renamed something like 'I Spy', but I think the first time you referenced it, as "The next hour was spent playing "Somewhere I See," with Imoen doing most of the seeing" you meant 'Something I see'.
But yes, I'm definitely looking forwards to what you have next. Thanks again!
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#37
Posted 15 January 2010 - 03:25 PM
Ch 16 is already 15 pages long and in full swing, so you'll be able to find out soon!
I actually did mean "Somewhere I see" even though the formula later uses "something". My idea (although obviously not fleshed out that much in the story, or at least not enough), was that the game goes something like this:
Imoen: "Somewhere I see.... something that's got two legs!"
Cassandra: "Me."
Imoen: "Uh-uh."
Cassandra: "You?"
Imoen: *shakes her head* "Nope."
Cassandra: "Imaginary friends don't count, you know."
Imoen: "C'mon. It's not THAT hard, geez."
etc.
#38
Posted 15 January 2010 - 03:43 PM
Hello!
Ch 16 is already 15 pages long and in full swing, so you'll be able to find out soon!
I actually did mean "Somewhere I see" even though the formula later uses "something". My idea (although obviously not fleshed out that much in the story, or at least not enough), was that the game goes something like this:
Imoen: "Somewhere I see.... something that's got two legs!"
Cassandra: "Me."
Imoen: "Uh-uh."
Cassandra: "You?"
Imoen: *shakes her head* "Nope."
Cassandra: "Imaginary friends don't count, you know."
Imoen: "C'mon. It's not THAT hard, geez."
etc.
Ah, I see. Explained like that, that makes sense, my apologies. I don't think it was quite as clear in the chapter, which is why I mentioned it.
Looking forwards to Chapter 16.
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#39
Posted 20 January 2010 - 09:31 PM
Now, apologies for the nitpicking. I picked up a few spelling mistakes through the chapter:
'The colores (colours) weren't quite the same as the auras of the arcane schools.'
'A slim, green-clad formed emerged out of the still-settling chao(s): an elvan/(elven) man'
'He limped on his left leg..., and there was no way of knowing (how) much of the blood on his uniform was his own.'
More importantly, I like the way you made us both sympathise with the elves as well as get really annoyed at them. You brought both facets out very well. Looking forwards to see how they extend into your future Suldanesselar chapters!
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain
#40
Posted 26 January 2010 - 03:33 AM
Just one little nitpick in terms of grammar; 'A single man, driven mad by anger and desperation, and brought the elven city to its knees' - should probably be 'had brought the elven city'.
Other than that, a very sweet romantic scene at the end that provided a counterpoint to Cassie's grim news. I'm interested to see how the second half of that unfolds!
Through lightning, travel shadow,
Through hell and all above,
Surviving sword and arrow,
Bound stronger by the love
***
And in the end a witness,
To where the death has lain,
Silent through the sorrow,
Where innocents lie slain