66 replies to this topic

[Celestine]

Thanks Domi for reviewing the story. I'm totally aware that the plot may not appeal to all people, and I appreciate you taking the time to put in your comments.

I have to admit that the first paragraph comes off as awkward.

While the attempt is made at elegant writing and a haunting scene, it comes accross - in my opinion only - as pretencious. In view of the whole "angsty" plot of the story, a bit less of "purple" adjectives, long rows of "pretty" description and simpler language may be the way to make it work. What I would do with the opening scene for example - again, I am not sure at all that it will sound better, than your initial text but I think it might make it a bit clearer and more economical:

The light engulfed Enielle. She blinked in confusion, trying to focus her vision, but the world was still a mess. And, Gods, it was so bright! The wind was picking up... She gave up squinting and closed her eyes, trying to steady herself, but a strong gush of cold air almost threw her off balance.

Thanks for the suggestion. The same paragraph comes off as clearer but also very different from the style in the rest of the story. I'm used to writing in the usual way so it'll be difficult to re-write the rest of story to match the first paragraph. I appreciate the constructive comments, only that i'm still trying to find a style that's suited to myself and some more trial and errors.

Edited by Celestine, 11 June 2004 - 10:17 PM.

[Beyshaliban]

A living spellchecker... how convinient

Even though I know the clou I'm chewing my fingernails as the plot unfolds.

Tell me... will you be revising and/or reposting your other beautiful stories as well? (say yes)

Bey

[Celestine]

Thanks Bey.

A living spellchecker... how convinient

hehe. you forgot grammar_checker too.

Tell me... will you be revising and/or reposting your other beautiful stories as well? (say yes)

umm.. hehe. I was thinking of catching up on several stories here first before attempting to write another story. Work + writing leaves me little time to read.

Thank you for your kind words.

[farsal]

A nice new chapter! I love the fire crackling descriptions. I am sad that you are getting close to the end of the story and I hope you have something else planned for your readers in the not too distant future.

[Celestine]

A nice new chapter! I love the fire crackling descriptions. I am sad that you are getting close to the end of the story and I hope you have something else planned for your readers in the not too distant future.

ah, thanks so much for your support, Farsal. The story is indeed coming to an end, think maybe a couple of chapters more. B)

[Sillara]

But when? :turnip:

Sillara

[Shadowhawke]

Hey Celestine! Just popped in to see a little more of Enielle... I really love the plot changes... and I'm sooo sad that it's ending soon [/tear]. So yeah, like Farsal, hope you have something else lined up .
Good on ya, Celestine

[Beyshaliban]

You escaped my, now "official", nagging for additions with this update, Celestine.

Your overwork adds wonderful substance to a beautiful story.

And on you go and work on the rest of the revision.



Bey

[Celestine]

thanks Bey. *hugs* sorry about the slow update (this one is 3 months late). Had so some crap to do in RL. hehe.

[Shadowhawke]

Celestine!!!
Glad to see your new add-ons and the new twists... you've outdone yourself, my friend! :thumb: . Great work! Although I agree with some of the points Domi made, like simpler language, Enielle's Disappearance is still an awesome story! Well done! :thumb:

[Celestine]

thanks Shadowhawke. will keep that in mind.

[Erephine]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I've been waiting for this.... for such a long time now :thumb:

[Celestine]

Thank you for reading and commenting Lightspeed. Sorry it took me so long to finish it, I didn't have any ideas how to write the final chapter. hehe. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Erephine]

I just hope this won't be the last story we'll hear of you.

[Deathsangel]

It is beautiful!!! Breathtaking!!!! Awesome!!! Bewildering!!! But I have lost the clue . Let me try and recap and ask some questions, please... There are two major parts that confuse me.

In the beginning it is said a druidess, two drows and her two sibblings traveled with Enielle. Since Kelsey is none of the above stated I get confused, about the fact that she does understand who he is, when Imoen talks about him (besides the fact that I wonder if Imoen loves Kelsey or Enielle (Kelsey doesn't romance Imoen if the PC doesn't take him right? Or am I wrong?).

The other point and probably more important is the fact of Enielle herself. What I my eyes happened more or less is that another Enielle, from two months after they parted was summoned. This is be before Anomen gets his quest? I reckon I understand this from the fact when the godess Enielle shows him what he did wrong. In that light the godess Enielle never betrayed him, but went on without him because of him falling of his fate, and went on becoming a godess and five years after that this happens.

Please answer or else I can not sleep

On another side point the following little things:.

Enielle banged her fists against her invisible cage but she could get her hands through the energy. She stopped herself when she realized her captor was undead. - I reckon couldn't

"Your power, of course. Lord Anomen thought he could control me with the power he binded from you. I will take that for myself and ruled in his place." - shouldn't this be rule?

"Yusef Farrahd!" Anomen gasped as he recognized the face. - Refresh my memory I don't know him from the game

Edited by Deathsangel, 10 March 2005 - 06:44 AM.

[Celestine]

I just hope this won't be the last story we'll hear of you. 

I hope to write more when I'm more comfortable with my grammar. hehe

[Celestine]

It is beautiful!!! Breathtaking!!!! Awesome!!! Bewildering!!! But I have lost the clue . Let me try and recap and ask some questions, please... There are two major parts that confuse me.

In the beginning it is said a druidess, two drows and her two sibblings traveled with Enielle. Since Kelsey is none of the above stated I get confused, about the fact that she does understand who he is, when Imoen talks about him (besides the fact that I wonder if Imoen loves Kelsey or Enielle (Kelsey doesn't romance Imoen if the PC doesn't take him right? Or am I wrong?).

Yes, Kelsey only romances Immy when the PC doesn't take him. In this case, Enielle took Anomen and so Immy and Kelsey became an item. I'm not sure about the drow, I don't remember mentioning any drow unless I am confused, myself with the previous story.

The other point and probably more important is the fact of Enielle herself. What I my eyes happened more or less is that another Enielle, from two months after they parted was summoned. This is be before Anomen gets his quest? I reckon I understand this from the fact when the godess Enielle shows him what he did wrong. In that light the godess Enielle never betrayed him, but went on without him because of him falling of his fate, and went on becoming a godess and five years after that this happens.

Please answer or else I can not sleep

err. Ok, this is where I screwed up actually. I will try to explain. This is something like a parallel universe where a single quest (ie Anomen's personal quest) gives two different conclusion. In the first case, Anomen did not kill Sarek and he went on to be with Enielle. In the second case, which is the main part of the story, Anomen killed Saerk but he was so twisted by his father and his deed that he fell for Yuseff's plot. Yuseff is Saerk's son, the mage that escaped. Anomen killed the rest of the family. As you can imagine, Yusef hated Anomen to the core.

So I went on about how an unholy spell could actually summon the wrong Enielle. Of course I forgot to conclude that point. Sorry about it.

On another side point the following little things:.

Enielle banged her fists against her invisible cage but she could get her hands through the energy. She stopped herself when she realized her captor was undead. - I reckon couldn't

"Your power, of course. Lord Anomen thought he could control me with the power he binded from you. I will take that for myself and ruled in his place." - shouldn't this be rule?

"Yusef Farrahd!" Anomen gasped as he recognized the face. - Refresh my memory I don't know him from the game

thanks so much for correcting the sentences. I'll put in the corrections in a moment.

[Erephine]

I just hope this won't be the last story we'll hear of you. 

I hope to write more when I'm more comfortable with my grammar. hehe

Practice makes perfect.

[Deathsangel]

In the beginning it is said a druidess, two drows and her two sibblings traveled with Enielle. Since Kelsey is none of the above stated I get confused, about the fact that she does understand who he is, when Imoen talks about him.

I'm not sure about the drow, I don't remember mentioning any drow unless I am confused, myself with the previous story.

It stands in chapter three. As the captain tells to sir Anomen what the bards tell about Enielle and who travelled with her

[edit] re-reading parts there are still some strange occurences. The alternate Enielle (the one that is summoned) you don't know her party line-up, so she might know Kelsey. No problem there. However, the evil sir Anomen is told the party line-up of the godess Enielle from the same dimension. This is the line-up 'a druidess, two drows and her two sibblings traveled with Enielle'. This does not include Kelsey. You can correct this mistake by making the line-up ' a druidess, a drows, a human sorcerer and her two sibblings traveled with Enielle'

Edited by Deathsangel, 15 March 2005 - 12:07 AM.