60 replies to this topic

[NiGHTMARE]

Crazy Celvan is the somewhat odd gnome in the docks district who has lyrics for certain party members. I'm trying to come up with lyrics for those of the Bioware crew he doesn't have anything for, namely Cernd, Edwin, Haer'Dalis, Imoen, Jan, Korgan, Nalia, Viconia and Yoshimo. The problem is that poetry has never been one of my talents, so I'm struggling somewhat . Therefore, any help would be greatly appreciated.

Here are a couple of the lyrics he has in the unmodded game:

"There once was an elf proud and fair,
men withered once under her stare.
But she loved one man true,
and he died...as men do,
and now there is naught but grief there."

"There once was a warrior true,
with the sense knocked out of him, too.
but in a hamster he found,
some wisdom profound,
and now where goes he goes his Boo!"

"There once was a man so afraid
that his soul was to be soon waylaid,
see, the wizard's returned
in his sphere, he has learned,
but has he learned if a soul can be weighed?"

I've managed to come up with three of my own:

"There once was a man who seemed content,
until he was given a brand new intent.
He left and began a simpler life,
but 'twas all at the expense of his beautiful wife.
Now he wonders if he can ever repent."

"There once was a evil wizard of red,
who inspired in others feelings of dread.
With fearsome magic and powerful spells,
this is one mage who certainly excels.
Be nice to this guy or you'll end up dead!"

"There once was an elf with the blackest of skin,
who had her doubts about the nature of sin.
An innocent child she refused to kill,
and now her old goddess wishes her great ill.
She's forever an outcast from the rest of her kin.

So to recap, I still need rhymes for Haer'Dalis, Imoen, Jan, Korgan, Nalia and Yoshimo. Criticisms of and suggestions for the three already written are of course welcome .

Edited by NiGHTMARE, 30 October 2005 - 10:03 AM.

[Kulyok]

The serious flaw I see is breaking the original rhythm. I would try to preserve it, otherwise it may look as clear fan-made material.

Quality-wise, I like the first one, though I think the last one is OOC, but never mind, different interpretations and all that.

The second, when I read it aloud, looked somewhat awkward to me. The last two lines in particular. My opinion: whatever you do, get rid of "certainly"

The third is very interesting, but again, breaking the original rhythm in my eyes is a serious flaw.


Overall, if it's an optional component, I'd download that.

[Ghreyfain]

Yeah, the originals are limericks that seem to be 8-8-6-6-8, so breaking that wouldn't seem right.

[NiGHTMARE]

I'm afraid you'll have to explain how the original rhythm is being broken . If the last line being a self-contained sentence is any part of it, one of the originals does that too:

"There once was a knight pure of heart,
from his wife he is always apart.
Has his heart grown colder
as his deeds grew bolder?
What is finished can never restart."

[Kulyok]

Example: "and now her old goddess wishes her great ill" - well over six syllables, whereas "as his deeds grew bolder?" - exactly six.

[Ghreyfain]

"There once was a man who seemed content, (9 syllables)
until he was given a brand new intent. (11)
He left and began a simpler life, (
but 'twas all at the expense of his beautiful wife. (13)
Now he wonders if he can ever repent." (11)

"There once was a evil wizard of red, (10)
who inspired in others feelings of dread. (10 or 11, heh)
With fearsome magic and powerful spells, (10)

...and so on.

[Rabain]

Perhaps something like this?:

There once was a wizard of red,
who inspired in others much dread.
With the most fearsome of spells,
this mage did excel,
Now be nice to this guy or you're dead!"

[NiGHTMARE]

How are these:

"There once was a man quite content,
until he found a new intent.
But sadly the druid's life
was no place for his wife,
and alone to the wild he went"

"There once was an evil wizard red,
who inspired great feelings of dread.
With deadly, powerful spells,
this great mage clearly excels.
What a shame he's such a bighead!"

"There once was an elf black of skin,
who questioned the nature of sin.
A child she would not kill,
now Lolth wishes her ill.
Forever an outcast from her kin."

Edited by NiGHTMARE, 30 October 2005 - 11:48 AM.

[Kulyok]

Very good.

I have problems with the last lines in two and three, though. In three, in the very last line there're clearly nine syllables; perhaps "An outcast for good from her kin"? "Forever" steals a bit too much space.

In number two, the last two lines do not sit well with me. Rabain's "this mage did excel, be nice to this guy or you're dead!" are a tiny bit more rhythmic - again, my opinion only.

[NiGHTMARE]

Ah yes, for some reason I was thinking 'forever' was only two syllables, rather than three. How about just removing the 'for', "Ever an outcast from her kin"?

For the other, perhaps "this great mage doth excel. Leave him be or end up dead!"?

Edited by NiGHTMARE, 30 October 2005 - 12:20 PM.

[Kulyok]

Ah yes, for some reason I was thinking 'forever' was only two syllables, rather than three. How about just removing the 'for', "Ever an outcast from her kin"?

My problem is the stress in this line. In others, it clearly falls to the end of the line, "and now where goes he goes his Boo!" or "has he learned if a soul can be weighed?" Logically, the stress should fall on "kin", but I just can't feel it. I am not of much help here, I am afraid. "And banned her for good from her kin" ?

For the other, perhaps "this great mage doth excel"?

Yes, I think it works. Perhaps even "great mage doth excel", because Celvan had 5-syllable lines, as well ("some wisdom profound") - and it sounds more melodic to me, too.

[NiGHTMARE]

My problem is the stress in this line. In others, it clearly falls to the end of the line, "and now where goes he goes his Boo!" or "has he learned if a soul can be weighed?" Logically, the stress should fall on "kin", but I just can't feel it. I am not of much help here, I am afraid. "And banned her for good from her kin" ?

How about 'exile' instead of 'outcast'?

[Kulyok]

"Ever an exile from her kin" - I am afraid the stress would fall on "exile", regardless. I don't know... I'll think on something else overnight(it just stuck in my head), but hopefully someone comes with another solution earlier.

[MorningGlory]

Limericks are generally made up of anapestic meters, and not so much how 'many' syllables (although there is a prescribed formula) fit into the individual meter, but how they are accomplished by keeping with the inherent rhythm of the anapest. That, and the limerick is usually built with lines 1, 2, and 5 holding three such 'meters,' and lines 3 and 4 holding two such meters. That is, iirc... It doesn't appear that the in-game rhymes necessarily follow this, however.

MG

[Archmage Silver]

Interesting... I made this one:

"There once was a dwarf evil of mind,
the evil in his heart, others would find.
greed has his black heart too,
ladies he tries to woo,
but he is shunned by his kind."

I think it's in the same style, but I'm not certain. Yep, it's Korgy.

Edited by Archmage Silver, 30 October 2005 - 02:00 PM.

[Rabain]

From the way the other rhymes are built lines 1 and 2 should have the same meter and rhyme. Lines 3 and 4 the same meter and rhyme (as each other) and line 5 should rhyme with line 2.

There once was an elf black of skin,
Who questioned the nature of sin.
And now Lolth causes ill
For a child she'd not kill,
She's forever estranged from her kin.

@Ashara: Nice but a still sounds a bit off, I think this might sound a bit better:

There once was an heir to a hold,
To the poor she would give all her gold
Will she tighten her belt
Or lose all her wealth
And end up turned out in the cold.

Might as well have a go at this one too:

There once was a dwarf who did drink,
And evil his heart so you'd think.
But give him a beer
And if a lady is near
He'd shag her before you could blink.

( I know it's coarse but it's all I could think of...not that I always think of ...well you know.)

Edited by Rabain, 30 October 2005 - 02:31 PM.

[Archmage Silver]

For Jansen:

"There once was a gnome tinker,
in battle he would not whimper.
Inventor of great skill,
owner of a great will,
he told tales of a miller."

And Korgy:

"There once was a dwarf evil of mind,
the evil in his heart, others would find.
greed has his black heart too,
ladies he tries to woo,
but he is shunned by his kind."

Edited by Archmage Silver, 30 October 2005 - 02:46 PM.