107 replies to this topic

[Solar's Harper]

...does that count as spoiler

If it does, I'm sure we can blank it out.
And on that note I second Shadowhawke's vote, out of confidence in your abilities as a great writer Orthodoxia.

[Epantiras]

Urgh I've just read chapter 16 which left a big "WTF!?" (or an equally vulgar word) on my lips, followed by a grin and a "I want moar". Mixed feelings?
I liked this chapter more than the previous one, it's quite easy to follow the plot and there is good character interaction. I like the idea of Gann and Aneele's bodies receiving wounds while they're in the dreamworld, reminds me of Matrix

The scene right before entering the portal in "dream West Harbor", when Gann reaches for Aneele's hand, that gave me chills down the spine: I was fearing because (especially in Bioware games) right before the FINAL SHOWDOWN WITH THE BAD GUY one expects the two heroes to kiss and I love you blah blah *but* for goodness' sake it did not happen! XD it's like an anti-cliché scene, I liked it in the end. Ah poor Gann... henpecked Gann ;-) she's always mean to him - and sometimes I'd say he does desereve it.

I forgot, seeing Aneele waiting for the ravagers to kill the dream persons of her memories was disturbing, I remember I was tempted to reload because I could not save dream Neeshka - "Aaargh! No!! My adopted sister!" - but I can see Aneele's point of view. Well done Orthodoxia

Otherwise dark things might be in store for his soul, and the Wall would be the least of his worries.

I'm not sure I've understood this, what could be worse than the Wall?

I was a little surprised that Gann and Aneele had time to talk to one another during the fight with the Faceless man, and that she decided to engage him in melee. In the game *entering nerd mode* I played a wizard and had Gann to help me - ok, wizards are more fagile than warlocks and less good at swinging weapons - I summoned a pool of grease and let Gann deal with the Faceless man and the incarnations, who could not help but keep slippering on the grease (oh man that was fun). But I must admit that my tactic could work in a game but NOT in a written story, it would be anti-climax. The fight is between Aneele and the Faceless man, Gann is just a supporting character there.

Example of anti-climax:

ME "Akachi, it's either you or me!"
GANN "Oh my love you look sooo pretty with that mask. But I'm still the prettiest of the two :heart:"
AKACHI "Nw m gnn kck yr ss!" *summons two incarnations*
ME "WTF? What's this? He's summoned his Mini-mes" *summons a pool of grease"
AKACHI "Wtf s ths sht?" *trips*
INCARNATION #1 "Fck y!" *slips*
INCARNATION #2 "G fck yrslf!" *slips*
ME "Tank, no, I meant, Gann! Go and kill them!"
GANN "Dreamless wretch!" (or whatever idiotic thing he usually yells) *attacks*
INCARNATION #1 AND #2 "Aaargh!" *die*
POOL OF GREASE "Blob!" *disappears*
ME "Oh rothé dung!"
FACELESS MAN "D fckng tflng!" *attacks me*
ME "Aaargh!" *starts running in circles*
...

Yes, I guess the scene is much better in your fanfiction ;-)

Edited by Epantiras, 17 May 2009 - 08:22 AM.

[Orthodoxia]

...does that count as spoiler

If it does, I'm sure we can blank it out.
And on that note I second Shadowhawke's vote, out of confidence in your abilities as a great writer Orthodoxia.

That makes one of us with confidence but I'll try

Urgh I've just read chapter 16 which left a big "WTF!?" (or an equally vulgar word) on my lips, followed by a grin and a "I want moar". Mixed feelings?
I liked this chapter more than the previous one, it's quite easy to follow the plot and there is good character interaction. I like the idea of Gann and Aneele's bodies receiving wounds while they're in the dreamworld, reminds me of Matrix

I'd agree with good character interaction if there weren't so much dialogue from the game But no more! All other chapters are game free!!
...Matrix... *violent twitching starts now*

The scene right before entering the portal in "dream West Harbor", when Gann reaches for Aneele's hand, that gave me chills down the spine: I was fearing because (especially in Bioware games) right before the FINAL SHOWDOWN WITH THE BAD GUY one expects the two heroes to kiss and I love you blah blah *but* for goodness' sake it did not happen! XD it's like an anti-cliché scene, I liked it in the end. Ah poor Gann... henpecked Gann ;-) she's always mean to him - and sometimes I'd say he does desereve it.

You've got chills down the spine That makes me very happy to hear I try to avoid cliché-s as much as I can. I don't think that anyone deserves the nightmare that is Aneele. I wouldn't wish Ele'ena as a romance on my worst enemy. And two personalities combined... *shudder* You know, I'm supposed to write a semblance of a romance here and even I have problems seeing it happen

I forgot, seeing Aneele waiting for the ravagers to kill the dream persons of her memories was disturbing, I remember I was tempted to reload because I could not save dream Neeshka - "Aaargh! No!! My adopted sister!" - but I can see Aneele's point of view. Well done Orthodoxia

Aneele, or rather Ele'ena, grew to dislike the people she traveled with for reasons which are quite silly, if I dare say so myself

Otherwise dark things might be in store for his soul, and the Wall would be the least of his worries.

I'm not sure I've understood this, what could be worse than the Wall?

That meant that should Aneele not come back or come back in less than one piece Safiya is going to have a field trip with Gann's soul. And mind. And the rest of his body in a purely Thayan fashion.

I was a little surprised that Gann and Aneele had time to talk to one another during the fight with the Faceless man, and that she decided to engage him in melee. In the game *entering nerd mode* I played a wizard and had Gann to help me - ok, wizards are more fagile than warlocks and less good at swinging weapons - I summoned a pool of grease and let Gann deal with the Faceless man and the incarnations, who could not help but keep slippering on the grease (oh man that was fun). But I must admit that my tactic could work in a game but NOT in a written story, it would be anti-climax. The fight is between Aneele and the Faceless man, Gann is just a supporting character there.

Example of anti-climax:

ME "Akachi, it's either you or me!"
GANN "Oh my love you look sooo pretty with that mask. But I'm still the prettiest of the two :heart:"
AKACHI "Nw m gnn kck yr ss!" *summons two incarnations*
ME "WTF? What's this? He's summoned his Mini-mes" *summons a pool of grease"
AKACHI "Wtf s ths sht?" *trips*
INCARNATION #1 "Fck y!" *slips*
INCARNATION #2 "G fck yrslf!" *slips*
ME "Tank, no, I meant, Gann! Go and kill them!"
GANN "Dreamless wretch!" (or whatever idiotic thing he usually yells) *attacks*
INCARNATION #1 AND #2 "Aaargh!" *die*
POOL OF GREASE "Blob!" *disappears*
ME "Oh rothé dung!"
FACELESS MAN "D fckng tflng!" *attacks me*
ME "Aaargh!" *starts running in circles*
...

Yes, I guess the scene is much better in your fanfiction ;-)

I justify it with "FANFICTION!" They have to make time and talk between swings so I'll make time for them to talk between swings No one said it had to make sense
Hmmm, grease works on him? I usually hit him until he falls dead.

Thank you very much for the review

Edited by Orthodoxia, 17 May 2009 - 09:08 AM.

[Shadowhawke]

Hey Orthodoxia! Great to see a new chapter up. I liked the realism of it all - I can imagine ten days of straight sleep to be very reasonable under the circumstances she's been in. I have to say, it was also fascinating to see Aneele's thoughts and personality after the regaining of her soul - as well as Gann's reaction and discomfort. The way she was so similar to how she was before, and yet also very different, was really interesting given all that she's gone through. Also loved how she blew up at them That's the spirit eater we've come to know and love throughout your story.

[Orthodoxia]

Thank you very much for the comment
I tried very hard to keep the balance between what Ele'ena was and what Aneele is now, and it's not easy. Especially knowing where to draw a line and how much is too much. But it was so sweet to write Aneele all confused by everything and Gann and others expecting something from her

Gah, just a few more chapters to go and then the story is over. Let's hope it has a satisfying ending

[Epantiras]

I think you handled Ele'ena's awakening very well ;-)
The screaming dwarf was really funny and I liked to see Ele'ena's reactions when examining her ruined face and seeing her companions once again.
Gann: blue - peacock - highborn lady XD
Safiya needing something in her hands to tear to oblivion was a very nice addition too - ack that happens to me a lot.

[Orthodoxia]

I was really worried if I would manage to get it right. How does one feel after being affected by a soul devouring curse? And how does one act after months of not feeling anything? I'm still glad it's over Now, onto new impossible tasks.

Safiya needing something in her hands to tear to oblivion was a very nice addition too - ack that happens to me a lot.

And that's why you draw so much

[Epantiras]

Aneele hoped that somehow, somewhere the dwarf woman would be discouraged. Or disintegrated. It was all for naught.

That was EPIC

There hasnââ?¬â?¢t been a pitchfork mob after him for good four and a half months now.

That's how I imagine Gann's daily rutine.

I like how you managed to make this chapter interesting, even if it does not feature fights (well, except the Baatezu summoning), epic battles or other ground shaking things. I guess it's because you're no longer telling the story of the game, now you can unleash your true creativity ;-)

The text is well written, I like how you describe the characters moves and thoughts between each dialogue line (like Aneele playing with Okku's fur while talking to Gann).
Safiya's concern for Aneele and Gann's inability to "holding himself back" is interesting and gives her a lot of character depth. Overall, I'd say that both the wizardess and the hagspawn are well "fleshed out". Okku is not as characterized as them though - but I'm not complaining, I'm not a rainbow bear fan.

The tension between Aneele and Gann is increasing and the reader can feel it. That's true, she knows him too well and he cannot count on his "aura of mystery" for a +5 bonus to seduction ;-P it makes me think, however, that Gann is interested in her just because he thinks she's a "difficult" prey - she's not one of his raving fangirls. BTW did he try to make her jealous by talking about the fangirls in the theatre?

Anyway, I hope Aneele will soon punch Gann in a "painful spot".

I was wondering...

Spoiler

are Aneele's nightmares caused by Myrkul's spirit? Or is it caused by her soul's "sojour" in the Wall? If I remember correctly, Safiya dreams of the Wall sometimes for that reason.

Edited by Epantiras, 12 June 2009 - 01:56 PM.

[Orthodoxia]

Did I ever mention how much I love your reviews? If not then, I really love your reviews

I like how you managed to make this chapter interesting, even if it does not feature fights (well, except the Baatezu summoning), epic battles or other ground shaking things. I guess it's because you're no longer telling the story of the game, now you can unleash your true creativity ;-)

Thank you but I wish my creativity would have better timing and not show up in "minute to twelve" as it were

The text is well written, I like how you describe the characters moves and thoughts between each dialogue line (like Aneele playing with Okku's fur while talking to Gann).
Safiya's concern for Aneele and Gann's inability to "holding himself back" is interesting and gives her a lot of character depth. Overall, I'd say that both the wizardess and the hagspawn are well "fleshed out". Okku is not as characterized as them though - but I'm not complaining, I'm not a rainbow bear fan.

I think that text would've been naked if I didn't add the little things they do. And Okku was a bit sleepy today, he'll talk more next time

The tension between Aneele and Gann is increasing and the reader can feel it. That's true, she knows him too well and he cannot count on his "aura of mystery" for a +5 bonus to seduction ;-P it makes me think, however, that Gann is interested in her just because he thinks she's a "difficult" prey - she's not one of his raving fangirls. BTW did he try to make her jealous by talking about the fangirls in the theatre?

They both have that problem now. Aneele knows she wasn't the nicest person to him so she does wonder why he would take interest in her and Gann, well I think it's interest, gratitude, genuine friendship and maybe something more <- I have no idea what it could be And no, he didn't do it to make her jealous, he did it to prevent the girls from camping outside the theater

I was wondering...

Spoiler

are Aneele's nightmares caused by Myrkul's spirit? Or is it caused by her soul's "sojour" in the Wall? If I remember correctly, Safiya dreams of the Wall sometimes for that reason.

No. Collective experience dating from before KoS to now. Who wouldn't have nightmares?

Thank you for the awesome review

[Jazhara7]

I'd like to apologize for any delay in making corrections. I was absent these past few weeks and am now lying in bed with post-spinal headache. Sorry for any trouble this might have caused.


-

[Orthodoxia]

It's nothing Jaz Get some rest and get well.

[Shadowhawke]

May I just say how much I liked your new chapter?

Aneele summoning the demon was epic. I loved the fallout and her conflicted thoughts about it, as well as her answer of 'uncomfortable' as opposed to 'sorry'. I think you're doing a great job of showing her struggle to recuperate after everything.

The parts with Safiya and Gann were also great. I couldn't help but feel so sorry for Aneele at the end when it didn't work as she'd expected... just hoping that she and the blue hagspawn will be able to walk together again soon! You've done a masterful job so far, Orthodoxia. Can't wait for more.

[Orthodoxia]

Thanks for the review Shadowhawke

Aneele is one very much confused individual right now, and she needs all the help she can get

[Shadowhawke]

Wow, I can certainly see that! Her thoughts with Gann and going to see the Shaman, and the way you portrayed his reaction about that was great! And I've always loved what you do between Aneele and Okku - the different characters all bring out such different sides to her, making her a truly deep character. One who I can't wait to find out about later!

[Epantiras]

She struggled as hell not to flay skin off his face or open a portal beneath his feet and drop him into first inhospitable plane she could find.

This is my favourite sentence

Oh, well, let's review

The first part about Aneele's bandages problems remind me of Minority Report

Spoiler

when Tom Cruise has a new pair of eyes implanted and is forced to keep the bandages for x hours or he'd become blind forevah.

I like they way you described Gann's "invigorating smile of outmost evil" and his attitude in general. I know of such kind of people with impossibly huge egos who can intimidate people by just entering the room. And I, just like Aneele, wish I could send them to a *very* inhospitable plane - actually, I was thinking of Carceri or the Demonweb Pits 9_9
Anyway, I was sad to see Gann using his epic charisma to roll 100+ in Intimidating Aneele. Poor girl, she's a prisoner of her own flaws and insecurity.
This effect is very strong in the story because we hear her thoughts but not Gann's, therefore we don't know the true reasons behind his actions, we know only Aneele's own explaination of this.

And OMLOM he took her hand! I was thinking "WTF IS HE DOING NOW?" it was a good moment for Aneele to bring pain and suffering to his lower parts but no, she could hardly dare to look at his face! That's a huge difference between her former (soulless) self. And I see Gann likes exploiting this.

Because he wasnââ?¬â?¢t accustomed to combining comfort and truth.

I personally don't doubt Gann's ability to comfort other people, but as you wrote he's accustomed to lies and half-truths... but he doesn't like when others lie to him. Knowing that Aneele decided to ask Nakkââ?¬â?¢kai instead of him is a great blow on his pride, plus he thougth he had *control* over Aneele since he could send the fox and the raven to spy her - then she told him that she knew of them all along 9_9 he must be mad at her.

I can't remember Gann having animal companions in the game so I guess you made them up. I'd say it's a good idea, I can't understand why spirit shamans can't have animal companions (sorcerers DO have familiars!). I liked the idea of him sending them to spy Aneele while Safiya does the same with Kaji. They're basically controlling Aneelee and taking decisions in her place! She's always someone else's puppet and it seems she cannot solve this problem.
I liked the way you described Daeghun's being able to control her without being present. I see he's often in Aneele's thougths, I almost feel like that the way she builds (or does not build) relationships with others mirrors the relationship she had with her father.

Oh noes, I'm going Sigmund Freud! Maybe I should stop psycho-analyzing your fan-fiction

Anyway, great job. It's hard to keep me interested in reading a text which lacks violence / blood / gore / Malus Darkblade, but I'm waiting for the next chapters with impatience!

AWWW WRITE MOAR!!

Edit: I see some letters remained inside my keyboard, so excuse the typos!

Edited by Epantiras, 29 June 2009 - 06:08 AM.

[Orthodoxia]

Wow, I can certainly see that! Her thoughts with Gann and going to see the Shaman, and the way you portrayed his reaction about that was great! And I've always loved what you do between Aneele and Okku - the different characters all bring out such different sides to her, making her a truly deep character. One who I can't wait to find out about later!

I'm glad I was able to present Aneele as a deep and real person, it means I don't fail as a writer completely But I love her character dearly so when writing her I try to give it my all.

The first part about Aneele's bandages problems remind me of Minority Report

Spoiler

when Tom Cruise has a new pair of eyes implanted and is forced to keep the bandages for x hours or he'd become blind forevah.

I should hope that with little Thayan magic there is little chance of that happening.

Anyway, I was sad to see Gann using his epic charisma to roll 100+ in Intimidating Aneele. Poor girl, she's a prisoner of her own flaws and insecurity.
This effect is very strong in the story because we hear her thoughts but not Gann's, therefore we don't know the true reasons behind his actions, we know only Aneele's own explaination of this.

Much like her he is largely confused and frustrated since she acts like a skittish mouse around him. But yeah, this is written from Aneele's perspective so...

And OMLOM he took her hand! I was thinking "WTF IS HE DOING NOW?" it was a good moment for Aneele to bring pain and suffering to his lower parts but no, she could hardly dare to look at his face! That's a huge difference between her former (soulless) self. And I see Gann likes exploiting this.

Ele'ena is a chicken, always was and hopefully will not forever be. Grow a spine girl

Because he wasnâââ??¬ââ??¢t accustomed to combining comfort and truth.

I personally don't doubt Gann's ability to comfort other people, but as you wrote he's accustomed to lies and half-truths... but he doesn't like when others lie to him. Knowing that Aneele decided to ask Nakkâââ??¬ââ??¢kai instead of him is a great blow on his pride, plus he thougth he had *control* over Aneele since he could send the fox and the raven to spy her - then she told him that she knew of them all along 9_9 he must be mad at her.

I don't really think he has ever been truthful to women he'd been seducing, younger ones especially, telling them what they want to hear. It could also be that Aneele despite knowing him better refuses to believe it - she's deliberately oblivious like that

I can't remember Gann having animal companions in the game so I guess you made them up. I'd say it's a good idea, I can't understand why spirit shamans can't have animal companions (sorcerers DO have familiars!). I liked the idea of him sending them to spy Aneele while Safiya does the same with Kaji. They're basically controlling Aneelee and taking decisions in her place! She's always someone else's puppet and it seems she cannot solve this problem.
I liked the way you described Daeghun's being able to control her without being present. I see he's often in Aneele's thougths, I almost feel like that the way she builds (or does not build) relationships with others mirrors the relationship she had with her father.

Actually all shamans have their own spirit companions (you just don't get them in game), Nak'kai has his two snow leopards and I thought Gann should have some too. As far as them following her around it has more to do with everyone worrying where the hell had she went, since she was famous for disappearing on them, especially now while she is still recovering. Aneele might see the whole situation differently though...
As for Daghun, well Aneele is convinced he doesn't care for her especially since she knows she was indirectly responsible for the death of his wife. And she is absolutely convinced Gann has no interest in her since she doesn't have anything to offer to him. See the pattern emerging here

Oh noes, I'm going Sigmund Freud! Maybe I should stop psycho-analyzing your fan-fiction tongue.gif

Oh please go on, You're discovering things I hadn't even planned on putting in. Hmmm, perhaps that speaks more of my own psyche...

Anyway, great job. It's hard to keep me interested in reading a text which lacks violence / blood / gore / Malus Darkblade, but I'm waiting for the next chapters with impatience!

AWWW WRITE MOAR!!

You're going to kill me next week I just know it I'll have to guard my liver carefully. But other than that, thanks for a grand review

Edited by Orthodoxia, 29 June 2009 - 11:33 AM.

[Epantiras]

You're going to kill me next week I just know it unsure.gif I'll have to guard my liver carefully. But other than that, thanks for a grand review

Next week!? Damn I can't survive that long, my curiosity will kill me first XD
No, don't reveal me anything, I want to be spoiler free.

Nakkââââ?¬Å¡¬âââ?¬Å¾¢kai

What in the Abyss has happened here!?

Edited by Epantiras, 29 June 2009 - 12:15 PM.

[Shadowhawke]

Wow, an amazing, sad end to an amazing story.

Thanks so much for sharing this with us, Orthodoxia. I have to admit, my heart broke when Aneele was trying to describe her feelings for Gann, and then seeing what happened later. I love the ambiguity of the ending - of her also being able to find a new beginning hopefully with everything. A lovely, lovely story, with amazing parallels and an absolutely enchanting and real main character.

[Epantiras]

The last chapter was surprising - but after all I think it could not end in a different way... well, a Gann + Safiya ending would have been cool but inappropriate ;-)

she tried to find her way through the crowd without getting squashed by large men.

Damn I love the way you describe things! You can understand a lot about characters from such a simple sentence.
There's a clash between the merry people and Aneele's grim thougths... [Freud] the city of happy people becomes a cage itself, and she needs to find a place to hide from the others and from the ghost of the spirit-eater she used to be. [/Freud]

Aww thank you for including

Spoiler

my beloved

Mephasm! I'm sure that the bottle has unknown side effects ;p

Anya was... Anya. I've always pictured as an pretty (idiotic) girl with no personality depth... which mirrors the way many Gann-haters perceive him! They're a nice couple. Please note, I'm NOT a Gann hater ;-)
I like they way you describe her dress, "just enough to tease but not look indecent."

Later, when you write "Her chances for a normal happy life were just about as possible as Anya going unnoticed in the crowd" it seems you're protraying Anya as total opposite to Aneele. Am I mistaken?

The scene of Aneele giving the Founder's ring to Safiya was great, the red wizardess is always so cold and deteached, it's good to see she has learn friendship.
Aneele is a coward ;-) but not ungrateful. I was afraid she was going to run away without thanking the others.

Argh now I wonder what was her gift for Gann! And is it me or Aneele was... jelous? [Freud] She might not be in love, but Gann's unwanted attenction made her feel special at least... or maybe she thought that he lost interest in her as soon as he discovered she could not dreamwalk anymore. Bastard! [/Freud]

Now I look foward your next story - and Aneele VS

Spoiler

zombie Bishop

Edited by Epantiras, 01 July 2009 - 08:04 AM.

[Orthodoxia]

Wow, an amazing, sad end to an amazing story.

Thanks so much for sharing this with us, Orthodoxia. I have to admit, my heart broke when Aneele was trying to describe her feelings for Gann, and then seeing what happened later. I love the ambiguity of the ending - of her also being able to find a new beginning hopefully with everything. A lovely, lovely story, with amazing parallels and an absolutely enchanting and real main character.

You are welcome and thank you This was a story that both frustrated and relaxed me. I hope I'll be able to come up with something new soon.

Aww thank you for including

Spoiler

my beloved

Mephasm! I'm sure that the bottle has unknown side effects ;p

It better not. It cost her an arm and a leg

Anya was... Anya. I've always pictured as an pretty (idiotic) girl with no personality depth... which mirrors the way many Gann-haters perceive him! They're a nice couple. Please note, I'm NOT a Gann hater ;-)
I like they way you describe her dress, "just enough to tease but not look indecent."

I see Anya as someone who grew very happy very fast once she discovered her ability to dreamwalk. She blossomed for the lack of better word.

Later, when you write "Her chances for a normal happy life were just about as possible as Anya going unnoticed in the crowd" it seems you're protraying Anya as total opposite to Aneele. Am I mistaken?

That is how Aneele sees herself. Despite accepting her scaring she suspects she will never be beautiful or at least pretty in the eyes of others.

The scene of Aneele giving the Founder's ring to Safiya was great, the red wizardess is always so cold and deteached, it's good to see she has learn friendship.
Aneele is a coward ;-) but not ungrateful. I was afraid she was going to run away without thanking the others.

Finally! Someone agrees that she is coward! And she likes Safiya, she thinks of her as a good friend.

Argh now I wonder what was her gift for Gann! And is it me or Aneele was... jelous? [Freud] She might not be in love, but Gann's unwanted attenction made her feel special at least... or maybe she thought that he lost interest in her as soon as he discovered she could not dreamwalk anymore. Bastard! [/Freud]

Of course she's jealous. She likes Gann (not love, yet) As for Gann, well we never see how he reacts to sudden kiss. We only see Aneele who, in return, sees red

Now I look foward your next story - and Aneele VS

Spoiler

zombie Bishop

If only. I have some ideas of what I would write but no set concept yet Brainstorming is a... yes, well, that.